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Mark One

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*Comes in, orders a hot toddy*    Sorry, going to have to take this one to go, got one heck of a cold and don't want to make your new singer in the lounge sick, what with her voice already a bit hoarse from the cigarettes.  

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40 minutes ago, tcgram said:

*Comes in, orders a hot toddy*    Sorry, going to have to take this one to go, got one heck of a cold and don't want to make your new singer in the lounge sick, what with her voice already a bit hoarse from the cigarettes.  

Have you heard - she's a boiler man!  And even worse,she keeps winking at me:o

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Bendy Wendy came in earlier for her pint of stout and she noticed that flyer for weeveltons high street.  She reckons it's a no go area for "free spirits".

 

1. Citizens Advice Bureau:  you can't get in there.  A voice behind the door tells you they're busy in a training meeting or they're being fumigated.  Sounds of industrial machinery often heard.

 

2:  Samaritans:  since when does that establishment require a gorilla dressed in a penguin suit with a wire in his ear?  The sound of Sowing Machines and Oriental voices can be heard inside.

 

3:. Pound Shop:. Wierd bald guy sat stroking a white cat seems to live in there.  All goods on display seem fake or nailed down.  A well built bloke with a German accent always muscles in and explains that those tinned meatballs are his whenever you try to place them into one of the nailed down baskets.

 

4:  charity Shop:. Always busy with scantly dressed ladies and a bloke with a batten and a long ginger mustache.  When ever a local drunk stumbles in, this man runs up and demands a £50 entry fee!?

 

5: Alcoholics anonymous:. Full of Nuns!  Always seen coming and going carrying briefcases.

 

6 Dave's Care for the Homeless:  you're told that the business has folded before being advised to visit weevelton council.  Stuffed squirrels litter the place and have been seen being loaded onto vans.

 

7. Weevelton Council Offices.  Full of camp men.  Seems to target cocktail drinkers and men dressed like ladies - or women copying blokes... no-one knows.

 

 

 

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6 hours ago, Mark One said:

Have you heard - she's a boiler man!  And even worse,she keeps winking at me:o

Well as charming and handsome of a bloke as you are, can you blame her??

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43 minutes ago, tcgram said:

Well as charming and handsome of a bloke as you are, can you blame her??

Aww thank you darling, that is so sweet.  But I have to draw the line at...them!  What would the neighbours say!  It would be pitchforks at dawn and a lit bonfire after dusk.

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Hmmmm, what’s this? Wow a box of Christmas movies on Vhs, I wonder which one I should play.

we’ve got the following.

1) Santa vs the martians

2) it’s a wonderful wife..... oh life, need to get my specs fixed.

3) nightmare before Christmas

 4) the bass rankin stop animation line up, I love that Burgermeister character what a hoot.

we’ll just have a £15 and three drink minimum cover charge for the blokes to make this a Christmas to remember.

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Um, I hope the 14 inch colour portable telly does its job then. Paula's not too happy about the vid though.  He'd planned a Puss in Boots Spectacular on the 25th but your money spinner sunk that one. His brother(?) Tony came in and couldn't resist a sit on Santas lap.

Sexy-Slut-on-Santas-Lap.jpg

It's a right b@gger having an attractive babe/bird/...erm bod on your lap.  But from what I could discern with my carefully placed clutch I'm pretty sure this one's the real deal.  But I was taking no chances as seen with my outstretched hands in the photo.  Paula gave me the dead eye afterwards.

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Well it's gone 7pm Inthe Harpy with plenty of merryment.  Cyril the Vulture hit the Bucks fizz and ended up taking off his trousers.  Paula looked rough from last night's session and defo needed a shave today -cringe factor 10.  Darren, well it's Darren, what more can I say...see pic below...

x9gjphh46b7y.jpg?auto=webp&s=46d9ab5abf1

 

The pigs in their blankets on cocktail sticks went down well with plenty coming back up later on and into the river no doubt.  Oh, the barbel and lettuce butties didn't do too well but Dark Derek kept them company with his depressive mood - he dislikes Christmas, see.  But as the night progressed and the red claret flowed....well he became confused about getting some kip and rising out of his pit.

tenor.gif

Ernie and Edna Bullcock turned up this afternoon in their traditional garb. Oh after all of these years the love is stil there even if Erns waistline isn't.

200.webp?cid=ecf05e47j4zyj2us5d5seu2ou4r

Gotta nip outside now though, there is a festive punch up taking place outside.  The mother in law as called out Paula!!!

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Jesus Christ!  I only nipped for crafty kip in my redesigned bedroom (thank you, Rashore x) and a few hours later I rolled out of bed and cracked me head on the skirting.  Got up, and saw this outside the window!!!

 

AgileNaughtyGoldenretriever.webp

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14 hours ago, Mark One said:

Jesus Christ!  I only nipped for crafty kip in my redesigned bedroom (thank you, Rashore x) and a few hours later I rolled out of bed and cracked me head on the skirting.  Got up, and saw this outside the window!!!

 

AgileNaughtyGoldenretriever.webp

Well you do like your martinis shaken and not stirred.

 

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24 minutes ago, newbloodmoon said:

Well you do like your martinis shaken and not stirred.

 

Well the big drink has calmed down into a more serene, picteresque vista of warm and soothing splender.

1e88d5bdbf8bf71e-sail-boat-gifs-find-sha

God knows where we are though.  Vintage Jim( who knocked himself out in the gents when the Harpy went adrift) reckons we're heading towards Skegness.

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1 hour ago, Mark One said:

Well the big drink has calmed down into a more serene, picteresque vista of warm and soothing splender.

1e88d5bdbf8bf71e-sail-boat-gifs-find-sha

God knows where we are though.  Vintage Jim( who knocked himself out in the gents when the Harpy went adrift) reckons we're heading towards Skegness.

its definitely skeggy i remember seeing that bit of sea .............. enjoy

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Yep, Matt.  Looks like skeggy mate.  The air is rich with fish and chips, stale beer and freshly made ring donuts.

tumblr_n626n9ZoLO1s2wio8o1_1280.gif

Might head on though and try my chances in that ghost town known as MableThorpe.   Skeggy beach seems troubled at the moment with one of those freaks of nature.  You know you hear horrible stories about the sewage system mutating god's good creatures.  One bloke who took a swim in skeggy sea spent the next year glowing in the dark!

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while your good ole"mabes" as the locals call it look out for four fingered jacks whelk stall i guarantee thems the cheweyest whelks around

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Well, I've seen more life in a bag of filler sand!

mablethorpe-seafront.jpg

I did though manage to enquire about 4 fingers Jack, Matt.  A suicidal looking life guard told me about him before he returned to routing through some bins.  Apparently, jack's in a bad way after some depressed seals with airborne support from some manic and very desperate seagulls ambushed his stall.

 

After ransacking his stall he lost all of his fingers and was then carried out to sea by 55 albatrosses who, according to the Life guards mate had all lost the will to live in MableThorpe.  This additional lifeguard saw it happen but was unable to save jack on account of him having a wooden leg which slowed him down.

 

In other news, a pigeon landed on deck today with a message from weevelton.  Gotta go for now and read the message.

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Comes aboard all sopping wet. “Man I had the wildest hallucination after falling overboard and having to swim ashore. Ya see, there were these gals in fur bikinies shoving pointed sticks and spears in my face. Truth be told I was getting pretty scared until they scampered off.... Whoa, why am I glowing a faint noxious green?”

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5 hours ago, newbloodmoon said:

Comes aboard all sopping wet. “Man I had the wildest hallucination after falling overboard and having to swim ashore. Ya see, there were these gals in fur bikinies shoving pointed sticks and spears in my face. Truth be told I was getting pretty scared until they scampered off.... Whoa, why am I glowing a faint noxious green?”

Yes, these foreign waters are a periless place.  I'm pretty sure I heard voices last night along the shore, screaming for us to take them with us.  Even the fish have been jumping out of the big drink and into my nets.

 

*Places a arm around Mr Moons shoulder*

Now, now my dear fellow.  Try not to fret.  Nature has blessed you.  Your flouresent persona may come in handy once we get back to weevelton.  Night-time carpark attendant, emergency light source in a power cut, etc.

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I've read the note and it was from Big Mirk at the Dragon.

 

Just before Christmas, the mother-in-law was piping on about quitting smoking next year, you know in 1974.  She was also moaning about her feet so I struck a deal with her.  Quit the fags and the pipe and I'll get Rashore to deliver her a water bed which I'm told eases and relaxes the body.  It also means she cannot smoke in bed anymore, but knowing that brutal Doris down to a tee, I knew it would only be a matter of time before she lit one up.

 

Anyhows, she's found out what I'd actually done.  I had the bed filled with petrol and erm, no, don't worry,

The old battle-axe isn't dead.  I mean come on, thats impossible in her case.  But it seems a rogue mouse somehow burrowed into workings and it's ruined her carpet, oiled her antique grappling hook, tarnished the ceremonial long sword and poisoned one of her cats.

 

 

So it's a worryingly slow boat back to weevelton.  Almost tempted to take my chances in MableThorpe.

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Oh lordy indeed.  We'd only just sailed past the coast of Skegness when a very bad tempered and old looking pidgeon landed on deck.  It's tiny message was infact one of those Terry Pratchet inspired iconograph thingies.  It seems that the mother-in-law guild have had their imps working overtime throughout the night knocking up this photograph

78e3701015b7391d6ceb4a6b1528c6f4--old-la

I just hope I can convince Doris that I filled her bed with petrol because it doesn't "go off" like tepid water does.  *Fingers crossed*

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Well just in case the mother-in-law guild goes on the rampage should I unlock the cricket closet? We just might have to pass out the bats after we liquor up everyone with liquid courage.

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Follow your heart, my friend.

 

Oh and good news. Ive bottled some of that sea water.

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That’s a right good idea, glow in the dark sea water, gin, vodka, and some lemon zest as a garnish. Could call it the liquid pandemic.

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May I take this opportunity to wish all of my regulars a happy new year.  The first drinks are on me.  Let's hope 1974 is a better year.

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On 12/27/2020 at 5:28 PM, Mark One said:

Might head on though and try my chances in that ghost town known as MableThorpe.

I braved the Arctic water temperature and had a paddle in Mablethorpe!

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I thought I'd call in seen as how it is new years and all, How ya doin Mark uno, got any Baileys I'll have a quadruple over ice in a latte coffee glass if thats ok, Man I think I'll go and play DJ over on me music thread when I am drunk enough, might end up just being me and the coat rack dancing the night away but it wouldn't be the first time.... Wishing you all the best for 2021 folks and .....

Nope, I'm not drunk enough yet....Oh, go on.... get the prosecco out. Nothing for it but a bit of fizz...... By the by, have you noticed how the crosses are the perfect 2 meters....

sorry these aren't from the 70's but still....

 

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