sees Posted November 12, 2016 #1 Share Posted November 12, 2016 (I could fill a whole thread on this topic, but will get the ball rolling here...) - How do you keep an idiot in suspense?..........(I'll tell you later) - Beethoven was so deaf, he thought he was a plumber - Hard work never killed anyone....but why take a risk? - I was an Atheist, until I realised I was God. - Doctor tells a man "you've got hypochondria"; man says "not that as well!" - Sceptics may or may not rule, O.K? - If you talk to God you're praying - if he talks back you're schizophrenic - When you wake up in the morning SMILE, and get it over with (W.C.Fields) - I wouldn't say he's emotional, but he cries if a traffic light is against him - How many sociologists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's the system that needs changing! - How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the bulb has got to WANT to change... Famous last words - "what does this button do?" - "nice doggie...." - "pull the pin and count to what?" - "don't be so superstitious" - "now watch this!" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sees Posted December 19, 2016 Author #2 Share Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) Stewart Francis (Canadian stand up...very dry delivery) "I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there...." I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice." "I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth." "I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer." "There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians." "I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified" "My dad has a weird hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic" "My girlfriend say's that I'm afraid of commitment....well she's not my girlfriend...more a wife" "Crime in a multi storey car park....that's just wrong...on so many levels..." Edited December 19, 2016 by sees 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SHaYap Posted December 19, 2016 #3 Share Posted December 19, 2016 Malaysian boy made good ... pretty tame by today's standards but a good laugh is a good laugh ... ~ ~ [ 00.18:22 ] Harith Iskander Champion of The Funniest Person In The World 2016 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sees Posted December 26, 2016 Author #4 Share Posted December 26, 2016 This one liner requires visualising it.... When is the worst time to play charades? When having a heart attack! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sees Posted December 27, 2016 Author #5 Share Posted December 27, 2016 http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galactic Goatman Posted January 6, 2017 #6 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Trees don't like difficult questions, because they are often stumped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sees Posted January 8, 2017 Author #7 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Some Tim Vine one-liners:- - I'm a paranoid dyslexic. I have a feeling everyone is out to met gee. - I said to the doctor "I feel like the whole world is ganging up on me." He replied "hold on a minute.....hey lads he's in here!" - I went to the doctors. He said "you've got hyprochondria." I said "Oh no not that as well!" - I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't make Tuesdays." - "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I replied "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'" - "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." - I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...' - So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." - So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I asked "Why?" He replied "My dog's died." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man by the Sea II Posted January 11, 2017 #8 Share Posted January 11, 2017 'War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.' Ambrose Bierce 'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'. Bob Newhart 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sees Posted January 11, 2017 Author #9 Share Posted January 11, 2017 4 hours ago, Old Man by the Sea II said: 'War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.' Ambrose Bierce 'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'. Bob Newhart What do you get when you play country music backwards? You get back your wife, your dog and your truck. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Habitat Posted January 11, 2017 #10 Share Posted January 11, 2017 2 hours ago, sees said: What do you get when you play country music backwards? You get back your wife, your dog and your truck. In that order ? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sees Posted January 11, 2017 Author #11 Share Posted January 11, 2017 24 minutes ago, Habitat said: In that order ? Ha! Well that may depend on the person singing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sees Posted January 11, 2017 Author #12 Share Posted January 11, 2017 (edited) I love Jewish humour so..... - Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. - Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering. - What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. Edited January 11, 2017 by sees 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevewinn Posted June 28, 2017 #13 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Paddy & Mick. Paddy and Mick are going on Holiday on a Air Fungus trijet, the plane is flying along, the next minute the Pilot comes on and says 'ladies and gentlemen just to inform you we have lost power to number 1 engine, not to worry this plane is equipt with three engines, and is perfectly capable of flying on two engines, all it means is were going to be an hour late arriving' Paddy turns to Mick and says an hour late arriving oh well,.......30 minutes later the captain comes on again and says 'just to inform you, we have lost number 2 engine on the tail, but not to worry, this plane can fly on one engine but where going to be a further hour late in arriving' Paddy turns to Mick shakes his head and says were going to be two hours late in arriving, a further 20 minutes go by and the captain comes on again and says, 'sorry to report we've lost our final engine' paddy turns to Mick and says where going to be up here all bloody day. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sees Posted August 15, 2017 Author #14 Share Posted August 15, 2017 A woman remarking on her dress to Groucho "oh, this dress? Just something I threw on""Yeah, you almost missed!" "Doctor, doctor - I keep losing my memory" "I see. When did this first happen?" "When did what first happen?" On getting older...."do I look 55?" "Not anymore" "I tried to blow out the candles on the cake but the heat drove me back!" "Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a piglet!" "Hmmm....how long have you felt like this?" "About a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekk!" In New York someone gets mugged every 3 minutes...and he's getting pretty fed up with it! What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? .......single! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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