newbloodmoon Posted March 28, 2018 #276 Share Posted March 28, 2018 Noah’s Ark Found...Sorta Billionaire playboy Shecky McWeasleteets built his popular watering hole “the copper flamingo” 6 years after visiting Turkey and finding the famed boat of the bible. Carbon dating on some of the wood has proven that it was around at the time of the flood. Since it was no longer in it’s boat shape charges could not be brought against Shecky for destroying a historic religious artifact. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acute Posted March 28, 2018 Author #277 Share Posted March 28, 2018 AUSTRALIA EXPELS CRIMINALS. In a shock twist, Australia is set to send criminals of European descent back to the British Isles. Two hundred years ago, all Australians (except for the indigenous Aboriginals) were "Crims", personally manhandled onto convict ships by Queen Victoria, the so-called 'Burly Queen'. In a controversial statement, the current kangaroo-eating Aussie PM, Malcolm Turnbull, has proposed the repatriation of "undesirables" back to Britain and Ireland, "starting with those filthy dirty cheating mongrel ball-tampering low-life drongo Pommy cricketing galahs." 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark One Posted March 28, 2018 #278 Share Posted March 28, 2018 There is plenty of Bull in newspapers. Rupert Murdoch's News Corp have issued a statement after being accused of printing what the man on the street refers to as Bull S**t. A spokesman for the News corporation cleared up the matter earlier today: "What such honorable readers have stated is in fact a misconception. There are no cows or indeed bulls involved in the paper recycling process. But on several occasions, redundant copies of our publications have been added into the feed supplied to pigs. So its evidently more pigs swill than cattle dung." 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acute Posted April 2, 2018 Author #279 Share Posted April 2, 2018 (edited) STONEHENGE TO BE MOVED. After years of legal wrangling, the tunnel under Stonehenge, proposed to divert the busy M4 away from its current route through the centre of the monument, has been scrapped in favour of relocating the crumbling prehistoric eyesore. In a barely coherent interview with Sky News, the former disgraced London Mayor, Ken Dodd, has revealed the location of choice as Bermondsey, near Tower Bridge. He said: "All the really cool stuff is in the capital, so why not Stonehenge?" Edited April 2, 2018 by acute 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acute Posted May 27, 2018 Author #280 Share Posted May 27, 2018 HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT CRISIS TALKS. Despite being cancelled 14 times in the last two weeks, talks are to go ahead in Mercia with the aim of averting a new 7th-century war on the Offlow-Halfshire border. The meeting between Oswiu of Northumbria and King Æthelred will take place on Tuesday at a neutral location in the DMZ. (Dudley McDonaldZ) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Golden Duck Posted July 3, 2018 #281 Share Posted July 3, 2018 The Lion Sleeps Tonight - Song Most Stuck In Mind Scientists hypothesize the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim away. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acute Posted September 20, 2018 Author #282 Share Posted September 20, 2018 RELIGIOUS FLYING BAN. Following a string of near-misses at UK airports, the Civil Aviation Authority is to introduce a ban on Angels and Cherubs flying within 5 miles of an airport. The new regulation will come into effect in January, and will be enforced by a mythical team of Cloud Inspectors on griffins. All offenders will be detained, de-winged, then discharged. As Chris Garton, Chief Operating Officer at Heathrow explained: "Laws have recently been passed to exclude drones, but we have an even bigger problem with angel-strike." 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark One Posted September 21, 2018 #283 Share Posted September 21, 2018 Fly Killer saves a Moth from death. An wall mounted 18w Fly Killer was in the news today. The CCTV in Norman Cheesemans Cafe captured something remarkable last saturday night. As several intoxicated punters awaited their ordered suppers, a jovial looking moth was captured on film as it fell into a spiral not far from the grills of the wall mounted insect death trap - before it made contact and got killed erm...again. Local Moth Expert, Bert Pratt viewed the footage and confirmed that the insect had suffered a massive heart attack in mid flight and had then begun its final descent towards the sticky floors of Cheesemans cafe. Pratt blamed the hot fumy atmosphere inside the cafe as the obvious cause of the moths untimely death. But what happened next has stunned Moth fans around the globe. The electric shock recieved by the small winged critter had actually brought it back to life...well for around 0.4 of a second, before it was fried. So the said moth actually ended up more or less like Cheesemans fried slices - toast. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MWoo7 Posted October 13, 2018 #284 Share Posted October 13, 2018 FOUND IT, crickey cripes I thought it was on some other site. Okay. FAKE NEWS ... likely only postings at ? spacey flowerpower site ?... UM something my post .. sometime::: "The poll, published on Faceducks, was closed after receiving 15,000,000 votes from users in 150 different countries. It asked a simple question: "Do you care about privacy online? Yes or No." , published on Faceducks was closed after recieving A stunning 14,999,903 users answered No. The 97% of votes were deemed statistically insignificant and were possibly responses from bots." 14:28.13.Oct2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acute Posted November 11, 2018 Author #285 Share Posted November 11, 2018 'Disrespectful' French President Emmanuel Macron wears stilettos at remembrance service. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acute Posted November 23, 2018 Author #286 Share Posted November 23, 2018 Youngsters Will Have No Legs and Huge Thumbs by 2050. 1 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acute Posted December 9, 2018 Author #287 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Funding Secured For Mount Trumpmore. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acute Posted December 24, 2018 Author #288 Share Posted December 24, 2018 JESUS WAS BORN IN WEST BROMWICH! says Sandwell Metropolitan Borough Council's Tourism Department. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acute Posted December 28, 2018 Author #289 Share Posted December 28, 2018 MAYBOT DISMANTLED? Confusion surrounds media reports that Theresa May has been purchased by Google and scrapped for parts, in order to make a driverless car that doesn't turn or stop. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Space Commander Travis Posted December 31, 2018 #290 Share Posted December 31, 2018 (edited) America's Donald Trump came fourth in an America's Donald Trump Lookalike Contest in Kecksburg, Pennsylvania last weekend. The organizers said that it was a valiant effort, but it was a little too over-done, and no one, not even America's Donald Trump, would really look that ridiculous. Edited December 31, 2018 by Vlad the Mighty space 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acute Posted January 14, 2019 Author #291 Share Posted January 14, 2019 FBI Wins Nasal Audit Battle. US President and secret alcoholic, Donald Trump, has been ordered by the Supreme Court to have his nose measured once every week for evidence of deception. In a closed hearing, the FBI argued successfully that Trump tells (on average) seventeen lies per hour, and can't even be trusted with a sharp pencil. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MWoo7 Posted January 15, 2019 #292 Share Posted January 15, 2019 (edited) To borrow... well kinda~eeh/eehrm~SORTA!!!! FROM NEWBLOODMOON KID Found … well sorta …. we have found our next earth and its right next door. Just forget that we don’t know how to crawl yet -- HECK ! we can’t even get around in our own backyard. However! we’ve a nice cozy little earth in the Andromeda Galaxy just a hop skip and worm hole away in about 6000 years. I can’t wait. Well I guess even then in the future because that was MILLION, our mistake, it has come to our attention this edit because its actually 2.5 MILLION ! Light Years, not 2.5 Light Years. Edited January 15, 2019 by MWoo7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Golden Duck Posted January 16, 2019 #293 Share Posted January 16, 2019 (edited) House Of Commons Emptied All members were caught out when John Bercow directed "eyes to the right and nose to the left" without saying "Simon Says!" Edited January 16, 2019 by Golden Duck 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
'Walt' E. Kurtz Posted January 16, 2019 #294 Share Posted January 16, 2019 The future is near 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acute Posted January 23, 2019 Author #295 Share Posted January 23, 2019 ERG Plan To Scupper 'Remain'. The Honourable Jacob Peasoup-Fogg, the Member of Parliament for the 18th century, has put forward an amendment to immediately reinstate the Julian Calendar. If adopted, we will already have left the EU, been through the transition period, and crashed out with a no-deal Brexit. 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acute Posted January 25, 2019 Author #296 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Headless Chickens Come Home To Roost. BAE Systems confirmed today that the availablility of parts for the Maybot cannot be guaranteed after a no-deal Brexit. A spokesman for 10 Downing Street was dismissive of potential supply-chain difficulties, while admitting to enacting contingency plans. "We are confident that the Prime Minister has many years of not stopping, not turning, and not listening, ahead of her. However, we have rented a lock-up under a railway arch in Hackney, and stocked it with transistors, valves, bits of wire, and sticky tape, as a precaution." He then added: "The best way to avoid the PM going offline is to vote for her deal." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acute Posted January 31, 2019 Author #297 Share Posted January 31, 2019 PM Rushed To A&E ! Prime Minister Theresa May was treated at Guy's Hospital this morning after suffering an attack of Brexit Vertigo caused by her constant U-turns. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acute Posted April 17, 2019 Author #298 Share Posted April 17, 2019 The Masses of The Great Unwashed. For the third day running, hundreds of anti-soap protestors have brought London roads to a standstill. Dozens of arrests were made, as activists led by Julian Assange smeared feces on passing office workers in smart suits. The group, calling themselves Disinfection Rebellion, are thought to have modelled their actions on the weekly Smelly Vest protests in Paris. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Essan Posted April 17, 2019 #299 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Millions Donated After Disaster Following the disastrous fire at a church in Paris this week, some of France's richest billionaires have pledged hundreds of millions of pounds to help rebuild ..... the city of Beira devastated by a cyclone last month leaving tens of thousands homeless. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MWoo7 Posted April 26, 2019 #300 Share Posted April 26, 2019 (edited) Misc.: relative, kind of thought this TITLE said this, ah kind of thing... Origin: """"In meeting with Twitter chief, Trump complains about lost followers After bot shutdown " SOURCE: SOMEWHERE ON THE NET. I thought that said, meeting with Twitter Trump complains about losers. After, bots shutdown, they couldn't take it anymore. Edited April 26, 2019 by MWoo7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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