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acute

Breaking (fake) News Headline

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newbloodmoon

Noah’s Ark Found...Sorta 

Billionaire playboy Shecky McWeasleteets built his popular watering hole “the copper flamingo” 6 years after visiting Turkey and finding the famed boat of the bible. Carbon dating on some of the wood has proven that it was around at the time of the flood.  Since it was no longer in it’s boat shape charges could not be brought against Shecky for destroying a historic religious artifact.

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acute

AUSTRALIA EXPELS CRIMINALS.

In a shock twist, Australia is set to send criminals of European descent back to the British Isles.

Two hundred years ago, all Australians (except for the indigenous Aboriginals) were "Crims", personally manhandled onto convict ships by Queen Victoria, the so-called 'Burly Queen'.

In a controversial statement, the current kangaroo-eating Aussie PM, Malcolm Turnbull, has proposed the repatriation of "undesirables" back to Britain and Ireland, "starting with those filthy dirty cheating mongrel ball-tampering low-life drongo Pommy cricketing galahs."

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Mark One

There is plenty of Bull in newspapers.

Rupert Murdoch's News Corp have issued a statement after being accused of printing what the man on the street refers to as Bull S**t.  A spokesman for the News corporation cleared up the matter earlier today:

"What such honorable readers have stated is in fact a misconception.  There are no cows or indeed bulls involved in the paper recycling process.  But on several occasions, redundant copies of our publications have been added into the feed supplied to pigs.  So its evidently more pigs swill than cattle dung."

 

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acute
Posted (edited)

STONEHENGE TO BE MOVED.

After years of legal wrangling, the tunnel under Stonehenge, proposed to divert the busy M4 away from its current route through the centre of the monument, has been scrapped in favour of relocating the crumbling prehistoric eyesore.

In a barely coherent interview with Sky News, the former disgraced London Mayor, Ken Dodd, has revealed the location of choice as Bermondsey, near Tower Bridge.  He said: "All the really cool stuff is in the capital, so why not Stonehenge?"

Edited by acute
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