I have waited 16 years for this very day

[preacherman76]

Hello everyone. I have a task to perform today that I have waited 16 years to accomplish. I'll save you all the heart crushing details and just tell you that I have a daughter I haven't seen or spoken to for the last 16 years. Today is her 18th birthday. She is now a legal adult. My plain, for the last 16 years has been to write and hand deliver a letter to her. This is something I have thought a great deal about. Over the years the message I planed to give her has evolved, as I have changed over the years. When she was first taken from me, I pictured this letter being an indictment towards her Mother. Over time though, and after facing some hard truths, and also finding forgiveness toward myself, and those who were involved, My thoughts have changed as to the nature of the message I will send. I have looked forward to this day for a very long time. I now want to tell her I hope she had a great childhood. That I hope her Mother and step Dad were awesome people, and that she had a amazing life up till this point. That I have thought of her every single day, and have said a thousand prayers begging God for her happiness. That if she chose to, that there are a lot of people including two of her step brothers that would love to meet her. That I know I can never be a Father to her, but how much I would love to be her friend.

As I sat down this morning to begin writing this long awaited message, something happened that I did not see coming. I am lost. I couldn't muster up a single word to say. I have the same feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had when she was first taken from me. Fear of the final rejection, directly from her this time has given me serious pause. I feel like if she rejects this message, which she may very well do, that I'm not sure I can handle it. The day it was finalized that I wasn't going to be part of her childhood, I stood out in my front yard in a serious mental cross road. I either had to get past all this and move on with my life, or I had to jump off a bridge. And I honestly didn't know which direction in that choice that I would go. Thankfully I chose to live. And of course I will continue down that path, even if rejected.

I feel like I'm frozen in fear. What's worse is knowing absolutely nothing about her. I don't even know if she knows I exist.

I don't know what I'm looking for from you good folks. I don't know what I want you to say, or if you could say anything that would help me at all. I have to find a way to get rid of this ball of emotion that I can feel from the bottom of my stomach, all the way to my throat. It's paralyzing me.

[Keel M.]

Hey preacherman, there may be areas on this forum where we don't agree, but I felt moved by your story so I wanted to respond. The first thing I want to address is your daughter's knowledge of whether or not you exist. If she doesn't, make an introduction. If she doesn't know you, what can she reject? If the letter is hand addressed, she may be curious enough to open it and curious enough to then read what you have to say. As for the rest, if it were me, I'd write almost word for word what you typed here to us. At least the first two paragraphs. Write it as though you're talking to her rather than writing a letter. 

One thing I have learned is that kids see more than parents think in regard to their relationship. If she was young enough and there was no badmouthing of you by her mother then things could be better than you think. If her mother did badmouth you, tell your daughter you'd like the chance for her to get to know you on her own without mom's interference. She is old enough to decide for herself who you are and what place she wants you to have in her life. I know marriages don't work out for a thousand reasons, but unless either parent is a really bad person (somehow I doubt you fit into this category) they should have a presence in the child's life.

I will say a prayer that you have a good reunion with your daughter and that things turn out better than you could possibly hope for.

[preacherman76]

11 minutes ago, Nonentity said:

Hey preacherman, there may be areas on this forum where we don't agree, but I felt moved by your story so I wanted to respond. The first thing I want to address is your daughter's knowledge of whether or not you exist. If she doesn't, make an introduction. If she doesn't know you, what can she reject? If the letter is hand addressed, she may be curious enough to open it and curious enough to then read what you have to say. As for the rest, if it were me, I'd write almost word for word what you typed here to us. At least the first two paragraphs. Write it as though you're talking to her rather than writing a letter. 

One thing I have learned is that kids see more than parents think in regard to their relationship. If she was young enough and there was no badmouthing of you by her mother then things could be better than you think. If her mother did badmouth you, tell your daughter you'd like the chance for her to get to know you on her own without mom's interference. She is old enough to decide for herself who you are and what place she wants you to have in her life. I know marriages don't work out for a thousand reasons, but unless either parent is a really bad person (somehow I doubt you fit into this category) they should have a presence in the child's life.

I will say a prayer that you have a good reunion with your daughter and that things turn out better than you could possibly hope for.

Thank you for this. Your post I guess was the final straw, as tears are running down my face right now. I feel like she was taken from me all over again. I've spent so much time trying to get over all this. Today was suppose to be a great day for me. You are right though, I just gotta push through and write this letter. Just lay it all out and let the cards fall where they may.

[Keel M.]

Ask yourself which is worse: rejection or regret. You can write the letter and either be accepted or rejected. Not writing it will only lead to regret on your part probably for the rest of your life. 

[Space Commander Travis]

I can only echo what's been said already Preacherman, wishing you the very best.

[GlitterRose]

I know someone who's living through something similar, and it's really difficult.

I hope you're able to reconnect with her and that it's everything you hoped it would be. 

[sarah_444]

Also offering support and best wishes. I can only imagine how difficult this road has been, and still is for you. Healing and moving forward takes time, and the experience of a lot of difficult emotions (as you know). I hope you can find the strength to write her letter and that it goes positively for you both.  

[preacherman76]

Thank you guys so much. I have just finished writing the letter, and I feel pretty good about. 

Now I have to track her down

[+OverSword]

Definitely tell her everything you wrote in the OP.  Especially about her brothers.  Even if for whatever reason she is reluctant to know you she may really want to meet siblings.  Do it today, don't put it off.

 

Good luck my brother.

Edited September 28, 2017 by OverSword

[preacherman76]

18 minutes ago, OverSword said:

Definitely tell her everything you wrote in the OP.  Especially about her brothers.  Even if for whatever reason she is reluctant to know you she may really want to meet siblings.  Do it today, don't put it off.

 

Good luck my brother.

I won't be able to get the letter to her till I get laid off of work in about a month. She either lives in New Hampsire or Florida. Those are the two addresses I've found. Soon as I'm out of work I'm going to find her. Even if I have to drive the entire east coast to do it. 

Thanks man

[HandsomeGorilla]

It must be done. 

Good luck. 

[Redefining Success]

Preacher, 

I was in an almost identical position. 

I had not seen or heard from my daughter in the past 11 years, partly due to ignorance on both parents part, but, more stubbornness on mine. 

When her mother's name was mentioned I'd bet angry, until last year when I finally realised it's wasted energy to hate.

My better half contacted her mother via face book and got the ball rolling,  she got in touch with my dad and the rest is history, that was march this year, we speak every other day and she has been down to stay a couple of times and is due again in the next few weeks.

My best advice, feel free to choose other wise if you wish, is to go slow. If you do find her, give her the letter, tell her where you are staying and let her take it in, and she can make the next move. I had myself prepared for the flip side, if she didn't want to know me, at least she knew I still cared for her and loved her regardless. I also feared if she had been fed lies about me, I told her everything once we spoke, I was no saint in my younger days thanks to what I suspected was serious depression and expect the phone to hang up and that would be the end of things. 

Your daughter, like mine, have reached an age where they can make there own choices. Be honest with her 100%, wether the relationship breakdown, lack of communication, was your fault or not, that is all in the past, and it will stay there, once you find her, your setting the foundation for a future in each others lives, regardless of distance, my daughter is a mere 350 miles away, and were doing fine so far.

I couldn't think of a word to write when I had her email address, sought advice from a select few people, and I was a blubbering wreck when I first spoke to her on the phone, did toughen up by the time of our first meet though.

 

You have my best wishes.

Edited September 28, 2017 by Redefining Success

[quiXilver]

I can imagine the pain you have endured and it is a crippling pain.  No one should suffer that. 

If she knows you are out there, she is no doubt very curious about you.  I'm so glad this day has come and you are making contact, in any form.

 

My best friend growing up was adopted, not the same situation as yours, but there are some energetic similarities.  Even though my friend had a wonderful adopted family who loved and nurtured him through a fantastic childhood; he could never shake the desire to get to know the rest of his family.

 

He eventually found them and now has a beautiful relationship with them as well as his adopted family. 

With a heart such as yours, I sense much healing and good to come out of this.

Congratulations mate. 

[aka CAT]

preacherman,

What you wrote is good.  Profound, it may take your daughter some time to mull it over while coming to terms with her own feelings.   In any case, if you'll resist having any expectations of her, I imagine there is much she'll want to know about you and her step brothers in order to discover more about herself as well.

May you soon locate her, as I pray you realize greater fulfillment in one another.

0:-) MGby'all.

Edited September 28, 2017 by aka CAT

[freetoroam]

5 hours ago, preacherman76 said:

What's worse is knowing absolutely nothing about her. I don't even know if she knows I exist

Hi preacherman, this is truly a very moving post, it is a very hard situation for you to be in now you are contemplating an actual contact. 

I would like to ask if you have had any contact with her mum over the years....eg: maybe because you were paying child support or was there no contact at all? 

The reason i ask is because if she knows nothing about you ,  do you know if she believes her stepfather is her real dad,?

This could be a real shock for her for many reasons....depending on what she does know and how you approach this is going to depending  on   --- what she does know.

How much do you know about her at this stage, does she have step brothers or sisters she lives with, does she work, is she going to university? 

All these need to be looked at before you send the letter. 

Jeeze...this is so deep and there are so many questions to ask before you can even look for the one answer you so would like to know....will she accept you?

My heart is really feeling for you here, but you have to tread very carefully.

Edited September 28, 2017 by freetoroam

[Redefining Success]

Feel free to pm me preacher, if you wish too.

I also agree with free, tread carefully and slowly.

[Kismit]

Preacher, You know where she is, so you must have mutual connections. Your original post is also a pretty decent letter. 

Is there someone in your mutual connections who could give her a letter?

My advice though. Is don't put it off, be brave, be a Dad for your little girl. It may take time, but she will eventually want to meet a gentleman who is strong enough to forgive, and brave enough to step up, who just wants to make sure she is o.k. because he loves her.

[preacherman76]

3 hours ago, freetoroam said:

Hi preacherman, this is truly a very moving post, it is a very hard situation for you to be in now you are contemplating an actual contact. 

I would like to ask if you have had any contact with her mum over the years....eg: maybe because you were paying child support or was there no contact at all? 

None what so ever. In fact the first sign I got that something was very wrong was when they suddenly stopped taking child support from me. Once she got married, she didn't want anything from me, Its a long story.

The reason i ask is because if she knows nothing about you ,  do you know if she believes her stepfather is her real dad,?

This could be a real shock for her for many reasons....depending on what she does know and how you approach this is going to depending  on   --- what she does know.

Its possible she believes her step Dad is her real Father. I understand I may be kicking a bee's nest here. This is something I have thought a lot about, and it may sound selfish but her Mother should have known this day was coming, and should have told her the truth from the beginning. Assuming she hasn't told her the truth.

How much do you know about her at this stage, does she have step brothers or sisters she lives with, does she work, is she going to university? 

The last thing I knew about her for sure was at the time she loved big bert from sesame st, lol.

All these need to be looked at before you send the letter. 

Jeeze...this is so deep and there are so many questions to ask before you can even look for the one answer you so would like to know....will she accept you?

My heart is really feeling for you here, but you have to tread very carefully.

I decided, being I don't know what all this will mean to her, that I would hand her the letter and walk away without even officially introducing myself. This way I'm giving her space to work through whatever she needs to. And to give her space to decide if she'd even want to talk to me. In the letter I made it clear this is a open invitation, that my door will always be open, even if its 10 years down the road.

[preacherman76]

1 hour ago, Kismit said:

Preacher, You know where she is, so you must have mutual connections. Your original post is also a pretty decent letter. 

Is there someone in your mutual connections who could give her a letter?

My advice though. Is don't put it off, be brave, be a Dad for your little girl. It may take time, but she will eventually want to meet a gentleman who is strong enough to forgive, and brave enough to step up, who just wants to make sure she is o.k. because he loves her.

Unfortunately no. I haven't see or spoken to anyone who would know her today in 16 years.

Yes I'm definitely doing this. There isn't a doubt in my mind. 

[preacherman76]

4 hours ago, aka CAT said:

preacherman,

What you wrote is good.  Profound, it may take your daughter some time to mull it over while coming to terms with her own feelings.   In any case, if you'll resist having any expectations of her, I imagine there is much she'll want to know about you and her step brothers in order to discover more about herself as well.

May you soon locate her, as I pray you realize greater fulfillment in one another.

0:-) MGby'all.

Totally agree. I plan to take as much pressure off her as I possibly can. I'm basically just gonna hand her what I have to, and let her know that whatever she decided is perfectly ok. That she doesn't owe me anything.

I thank you for your prayer.

[preacherman76]

It will probably be a few weeks, but I'll be sure to let you guys know how I made out. Thanks again for all the great advice and words of encouragement. It really means a lot to me.

[LV-426]

Honestly, if you express your feelings as well with your daughter as you did here, I think you are giving yourself every chance of success, even if it takes a little time for everyone to adjust.

I wish you the best anyway, man. Hope everything works out for you

[spartan max2]

To find her use social media. In today's word I would be suprised if she wasn't on facebook or instagram, or at least the mom or stepdaughter has to be. 

That's the only advice I got. 

Best wishes 

[preacherman76]

16 hours ago, Redefining Success said:

Preacher, 

I was in an almost identical position. 

I had not seen or heard from my daughter in the past 11 years, partly due to ignorance on both parents part, but, more stubbornness on mine. 

When her mother's name was mentioned I'd bet angry, until last year when I finally realised it's wasted energy to hate.

My better half contacted her mother via face book and got the ball rolling,  she got in touch with my dad and the rest is history, that was march this year, we speak every other day and she has been down to stay a couple of times and is due again in the next few weeks.

My best advice, feel free to choose other wise if you wish, is to go slow. If you do find her, give her the letter, tell her where you are staying and let her take it in, and she can make the next move. I had myself prepared for the flip side, if she didn't want to know me, at least she knew I still cared for her and loved her regardless. I also feared if she had been fed lies about me, I told her everything once we spoke, I was no saint in my younger days thanks to what I suspected was serious depression and expect the phone to hang up and that would be the end of things. 

Your daughter, like mine, have reached an age where they can make there own choices. Be honest with her 100%, wether the relationship breakdown, lack of communication, was your fault or not, that is all in the past, and it will stay there, once you find her, your setting the foundation for a future in each others lives, regardless of distance, my daughter is a mere 350 miles away, and were doing fine so far.

I couldn't think of a word to write when I had her email address, sought advice from a select few people, and I was a blubbering wreck when I first spoke to her on the phone, did toughen up by the time of our first meet though.

 

You have my best wishes.

I don't know how I over looked this post, but that's a great story man. It gives me hope. That's awesome you now have a relationship with your kid. Congrats, Im glad it worked out.

[preacherman76]

Well it took longer then I wanted it to, but I'm heading North to find her this Thursday. I'll let cha all know how it went.