The god complex

[Blaid Drwg]

Since years I write frequently some things in the form of free writing. Some off them are very short pieces some are pretty long. So far I actualy never published one off them with the exception of bits and pieces off it to some very close friends. 

The following piece is a short one wich came to me a while back and for some reason I kept it on my external hardrive. Seeing this topic today I got the idea to publish it here. Do note that English is not my native tongue and thus Im not used to writing in English mostly I do that in my own native language.

 

The god complex

 

My thoughts are wandering arround to what or how I is unaware, lately, this is happening more and more. My thoughts shut down and people talk around me randomly at each other it becomes some sort off rhymed mood where the sounds arround me starting to symbiose with my state of mind and suddenly it will go completely quiet around me. I look around I see lips moving from people I do not know in conversation with each other but I do not hear any noise. I am aware of my entire environment, although I do not hear anything anymore, I see and feel all around me sharper than ever before, It's a strange thing. Colors look brighter, figures of buildings, statues, silhouettes like shadows of people or objects become sharper. I'm looking at one couple a hundred yards of me and concentrate on both and try to hear what they say. Strange enough, I take in every sound that comes out of their mouths, just theirs all other sounds around them or me are non-existent. No sounds of passing cars, no noise of a bicycle bell, no man's noise right next to me whistling on his fingers to a friend of him who radiated between half-stumbeling half hanging position against a statue because he did not control the power to stand on his own two feet anymore since he is drunk as an Irishman. "We gonna visit Illias?" Asks the woman to her male companion who looks strange at her as if he 
had  absolutely no idea to expect this question yet again he actually should have expected it. He hoped she had not asked the question but he expected the question and looked at her with a hint of some hidden sadness and rage knowing that his suspicion was confirmed with this. She did not even realize she betrayed herself by this one simple question as though she just asked to visit a joint friend. "Yes, it's good, I like it." Answered the man as determined as possible, but I heard the doubt in his voice, the doubt that did not strike her as completely odd because she tried to camouflage the truth from him as well as she could and he himself did everything he could to hide the dissapointment. I got rid of the couple and immediately knew what was going on between them. She did not know yet that he figured it out that she had betrayed him with his best friend and broke his heart into a thousands pieces in the proces. The tonations of the voice, the enormous rage and disappointment because his suspicion was confirmed, she betrayed him by sleeping with his best friend. In the meanwhile I stopped concetrating on the couples converstation and it surprised me that first of all, the conversation between two people could be heard at a distance of a 100 yards just like as if I were in between them and participated in the conversation and secondly that I was perfectly able to determine what was playing in this couples life and that just by how their voices sounded and the feelings that were associated with it while speaking. It's a very strange sensation to have a better knowledge than she herself and to know what is happening between them before they themselfs knew it, I could even say what would happen between them in the following hours and days, his rage would take the upperhand as the truth came out and he would murder his best friend and attempt to murder her. She would somehow escape death but would be marked for the rest of her life. It kept me wondering if there was a god or some other form off a higher being and he decided her punishment was to live on in agony wich would remind her what would happen when loyalty and love got brutalized in this kind of way. It would implie that there realy would be a heaven and hell in our plain of existence but it was not some place out there where we would arive after our own death. No it would implicate that we live in heaven and hell during our lifespam wich reminded me off what my father used to say when I did something that was out of order, God punishes inmeaditly. My sences told me right then at that point of time at that very spot that there is a god, question is who is he and where can I find him? Or am I god because I heared the conversation and as soon as I determined what was going on between them I did not see what would happen in the next few hours and days, but I actualy fantasized the outcome and because I fantasized it I saw it happen and that is why it will happen to them as I saw it or fantasized it or actualy acused it. I draw a blank and lose every sense of reality and get lost into a dark enormous abbys. No one is supposed to have this power and judge on anyone or anything just because you saw a fraction of there short spammed life as each life is a tiny oblivious dot in a vast and complex creation that time and space is. I cease to exist and can not stop the proces because I fantasized it as it would be a certain future event to happen, because I deemed it possible it has to happen.  

~~~YV~~~

Edited October 3, 2017 by Blaid Drwg
grammer