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Arterdir

A Self Contradicting Mystery

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Arterdir

Never have i ever been this conflicted about a simple yet complicated matter as i am today. For the past 4 years i've been pondering about a certain person whom i have never met and they apparently exist only in my head, i had assumed that it was natural to think of a fantasy about some perfect person you wish you'd meet but things felt a lot stranger than that, for example before i could clearly form a picture of this person i would always stumble upon hints such as seeing their name being repeated numerous times, popping up in every corner of my life with one prominent physical attribute of theirs which is their blonde hair, which is odd because where i'm from neither the name nor the attribute are common so the chances of constantly coming across them are low yet i keep noticing it, perhaps it is the other way around, perhaps my mind is tricking me into believing that because of this person's name or appearance keep showing up that it has some spiritual significance white it might have just been my subconscious mind getting used to picking up traits of such person which would meet my desire and then presenting it for my conscious mind to pick up upon by being attentive whenever these traits show up around me. Yet still there is this deep and complex feeling i have yet to understand, as if it was deeply embedded into my being because whenever i'd think about the person i would feel this strange vibe resonating with my core and sometimes i would feel like someone is calling my name and the call directly moves my soul.

Without even thinking hard about them i would feel this spark flaring in my head like an electric charge and the image of them is now automatically associated with that feeling and everything about them just feels right. Then i would dismiss these thoughts as to not have any obsessive attachment toward the matter(but i guess that's a contradiction in itself seeing as i am here, expressing obvious signs of such thing) The logical explanation i could think about is that my mind is trying to fill some gap both subconsciously and consciously with methods that would convince me in order to keep moving forward and have excited about what's to come, as self mechanism which would keep me on track or a go-to thought whenever things went south. But then again this is where it gets real conflicting because things like these happened to me before, i am not sure how but i would label it as intuition, like i would sometimes envision things that are far fetched yet one day they would manifest exactly how i wanted them and it would feel crazy yet just right at the same time, and on occasions such feelings were wrong as well so i could never know what to exactly expect, and it was time i used some outsider perspective on the matter, it would be a great help to hear from anyone with a little insight on my odd dilemma that i should move on from but i would rather hear your opinions first and see if someone had some similar experiences and if they'd figured it out plus this will add more to my perspective so please go ahead.

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Podo

Your post is very hard to parse as it is basically just one long run-on sentence. Are you saying that you find yourself often thinking about someone who is not real? Like a character from a story or something, or do you mean an archetypical outline of a person?

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Arterdir

No not from a story or the like, just someone who feels real but isn't.

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