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Timothy

So I just intervened in domestic violence

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Timothy

No names, just happened.

I ended up calling the police, horrible one sided argument going on in the apartment below, heard from the balcony. Police have just left and spoken to her at length. Told me it was the right thing to do and a priority if I hear anything, but now she’s still in the apartment below me alone with the same guy. 

Initially I listened for a while, horrible argument between a controlling guy and the woman that lives with him, have the audio on my phone. Went down and knocked on their door, he was yelling at her to not open it. Kept knocking, she did open it. 

Extremely visibly distressed, she stood there as I tried to talk some sense into the guy and that he can’t behave how he was. I’m not tall, he’s a magnitude bigger, but I think he knew he was in the wrong. He yelled at me to leave and pretended to come at me a few times, but didn’t touch me. Told me it was her fault and to get my foot out of the doorway (I was propping it open).

She looked so distressed, managed to give me a napkin to write my number on in case she needed it. He was telling her not to. 

I stayed there with my foot against the door for around 5 minutes until he seemed to calm down a bit, she looked thankful but helpless. Said she would be okay. 

I came back up to my apartment and had to call the police. The earlier anger and things he was saying, and that she opened the door and took my number against his will, I felt I had to. 

It’s quiet now, but I have no idea if she’s okay at all. Don’t know if I’ve brought any relief or added to the negative situation. 

Does anyone have advice? I don’t care at all about seeing the guy, but are there any other ways I can help her? 

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seeder

Police KNOW that domestics are USUALLY  "six of one and half a dozen of the other"......as we say in the UK.... which I guess you can translate as.....he says-she says....etc.....

Unless theres a crime involved such as assault or threats of assault..... the police are limited to just doing a check on the folks welfare.... arguing is not an offence....tho a breach of the peace is...

Its never fun to see of hear especially when you can hear it in your own place thru the walls, so yes, you did the right thing by calling the cops

Years ago in my bouncer days.... I was doing a circuit of the inside of a nightclub just checking all was OK....when I saw some guy... PUNCH some girl next to him....totally floored her....well...I went rushing in, gave the guy a punch on the jaw, put him in a headlock and dragged him out the fire exit....which is the typical way we used to remove troublemakers....threw him to the floor outside while saying a few colorful words to him about hitting women...WHEN.....this woman jumped on my back screaming and yelling..... pulling my hair, trying to scratch me etc... I got her off me and held her by the arms so she couldnt lash out.....turned out it was the girl the guy had just punched !!!!   They apparently were a couple who....with too much drink in them had a domestic in the club!  And now that woman was there to defend her man!!

Ended up chucking her out too.....but....I remember thinking...unbelievable!!

 

 

Edited by seeder
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quiXilver

You did what you could do.

Well done mate.

 

I guarantee you aided, that guy is now aware and will not soon forget the guy willing to come hold his foot in the door and show caring and concern for someone in distress... He knows you are there and that she is not isolated under his control.  He now knows and will remember that someone who can hear what's going on, is paying attention and far more important than paying attention... that someone has the will and the integrity to take action on what is heard to contribute to the safe environment for everyone.

 

You sir, have your **** together and are a great guy!  Keep it up and well done!

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LV-426

I'd backup what rashore said, kudos for trying to help.

Domestic abuse can be really complex though, and you just don't know what kind of situation you may be walking into the middle of. Had you got into a physical altercation with the guy, the women could just have easily jumped to his defence rather than yours. As well as the reasons rashore listed, it's predominantly about fear and control; a woman having her personaility broken down to the point she blames herself for the abuse.

It isn't just about a timid personaility. I've seen this happen to some of the strongest women I've known.

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and then

I very much respect you for your actions, Timonthy. Real compassion for the suffering of others is becoming more scarce these days and the willingness to ACT on that compassion, rarer still.  Good on you!  I have some experience with this terrible situation and Rashore is exactly correct.  The bottom line in these situations is that the victim HAS to be the one to ask for help - and MEAN it.   Sometimes, even then, they will end up dead at the hands of the abuser, even after the courts become involved.  I've told my daughter that if she's ever in a relationship with a guy who hits her, EVER, even once, GET OUT.  It will save her the emotional and physical pain and it will save her old dad from spending his declining years in prison.  

If I may offer some advice - actually confronting the two when they're in the heat of their little ritual - should be avoided if possible.  Unless the woman is screaming for help, just call the police.  The abusive "man" will likely moderate his behavior a bit just to avoid the hassle of their repeated visits.  Domestic abuse is one of only a handful of reasons that a U.S. citizen can be denied ownership of a firearm.  That should tell you how potentially deadly it can be to intervene in such situations.  That said, you did the right thing, IMO.

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and then
14 minutes ago, seeder said:

Police KNOW that domestics are USUALLY  "six of one and half a dozen of the other"......as we say in the UK.... which I guess you can translate as.....he says-she says....etc.....

Unless theres a crime involved such as assault or threats of assault..... the police are limited to just doing a check on the folks welfare.... arguing is not an offence....tho a breach of the peace is...

Its never fun to see of hear especially when you can hear it in your own place thru the walls, so yes, you did the right thing by calling the cops

Years ago in my bouncer days.... I was doing a circuit of the inside of a nightclub just checking all was OK....when I saw some guy... PUNCH some girl next to him....totally floored her....well...I went rushing in, gave the guy a punch on the jaw, put him in a headlock and dragged him out the fire exit....which is the typical way we used to remove troublemakers....threw him to the floor outside while saying a few colorful words to him about hitting women...WHEN.....this woman jumped on my back screaming and yelling..... pulling my hair, trying to scratch me etc... I got her off me and held her by the arms so she couldnt lash out.....turned out it was the girl the guy had just punched !!!!   They apparently were a couple who....with too much drink in them had a domestic in the club!  And now that woman was there to defend her man!!

Ended up chucking her out too.....but....I remember thinking...unbelievable!!

 

 

These pairings of abusers and co-dependents are common enough.  When other family members get involved, it rarely helps until the victim finally decides to get out of the situation.  The saddest aspect of it all is that it usually happens after children have lived in the hell for years, thus perpetuating the cycle.

My niece grew up in such a situation and recently saved the life of a guy who punched his dinner partner while they were arguing in a restaurant/bar.  Said niece was the manager, saw the argument escalate and then after he punched his wife(?), the lady reached down for a steak-knife on the table and stabbed him in the neck!  I don't think that hitting a woman is acceptable behavior from a man unless his life is literally being threatened by her.  As in, she has a weapon in hand and is physically attacking him.  Beyond an actual self-defense situation, a man has the advantage and needs to BE a man and walk away, no matter how angry he has become.   

Your encounter with that pair is pretty typical of what cops on domestic disturbance call-outs face, every day.  It is a sad, even bizarre type of relationship.

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oldrover

Well done Timothy. 

A few observations, the guy tried to intimidate you but it didn't work, therefore he's a coward, and one who knows you're listening and are willing to intervene. So he can't do his nasty little thing unchecked anymore, might be enough. 

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Timothy

Cheers for the kind words guys.

Thank God he wasn’t too off the rails, you never know what will happen. 

Yes I am hoping that just the awareness of it will help the situation, and he knows I live right above him. Although for now I’m making sure to lock the balcony door when I’m out. 

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Timothy
11 hours ago, and then said:

These pairings of abusers and co-dependents are common enough.  When other family members get involved, it rarely helps until the victim finally decides to get out of the situation.  The saddest aspect of it all is that it usually happens after children have lived in the hell for years, thus perpetuating the cycle.

My niece grew up in such a situation and recently saved the life of a guy who punched his dinner partner while they were arguing in a restaurant/bar.  Said niece was the manager, saw the argument escalate and then after he punched his wife(?), the lady reached down for a steak-knife on the table and stabbed him in the neck!  I don't think that hitting a woman is acceptable behavior from a man unless his life is literally being threatened by her.  As in, she has a weapon in hand and is physically attacking him.  Beyond an actual self-defense situation, a man has the advantage and needs to BE a man and walk away, no matter how angry he has become.   

Your encounter with that pair is pretty typical of what cops on domestic disturbance call-outs face, every day.  It is a sad, even bizarre type of relationship.

Emphasis on the bold. Your post is very accurate and very sad. It sounds simple to get out, but it’s so complex. 

And yes the cops are very limited in what they can do too. 

It’s a very sad and widespread aspect to a modern culture. 

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Podo

Good on you. You definitely did the right thing. However, it took huge balls to actually knock on the door. You could have just phoned the police, and not risked yourself.

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preacherman76
On ‎2‎/‎8‎/‎2018 at 10:17 AM, LV-426 said:

I'd backup what rashore said, kudos for trying to help.

Domestic abuse can be really complex though, and you just don't know what kind of situation you may be walking into the middle of. Had you got into a physical altercation with the guy, the women could just have easily jumped to his defence rather than yours. As well as the reasons rashore listed, it's predominantly about fear and control; a woman having her personaility broken down to the point she blames herself for the abuse.

It isn't just about a timid personaility. I've seen this happen to some of the strongest women I've known.

Yep. I learned a long time ago to not get involved in abusive relationships. You end up being the bad guy.

My wife has a friend that's been in a abusive situation for years. I've had so many pep talks with her, gave her a shoulder to cry on etc etc. I'm glad I never knocked him out like I wanted to, cause she is still with to this day.

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