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misszoolander

Am I an empath? Or just plain crazy?

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misszoolander

Hello guys, 

this is my first visit to a forum seeking advice. Please bear with me, my story is a long, dark and depressive. It will include topics such as suicide, so if you are prone to being highly sensitive negatively to suicide please, stop reading now. I also want to make it clear suicide is not the answer. If I can ****ing survive the earth shattering pain of self hatred and guilt, so can you. 

I commited 4 serious attempts last year after an abortion, the revelation of a rape and sudden abandonment and break up of a boyfriend. All within a period of a month. I came home to my bags packed, and no reason why. 

I gave up. I gave him, his family, my family, my friends even ****ing strangers so much. So, so, so much. So much time, emotional support, money, favours. I had friends literally call me at 1am to come over to thier house, listen to them talk about thier guilt on cheating on thier husband then council them and go home. The sick thing was - I got satisfaction from it. 

I have always been like this, 3 years ago my cousins baby drowned in the bath tub. None of my family could deal with her, she’s bi polar and borderline. I moved in for a year, and was her literal punching bag for her own grief and self hatred. Would I do it again? Absolutely. 

This is why I can’t distinguish whether I’m codependent, crazy or an empath. WTF is wrong with me. 

Why I may feel I could be an empath : I connect to people immediately, I have strangers tell me thier life story from the get go. I can literally get along with anyone unless I feel there’s a wall blocking me from doing so, however this is rare. When people tell me of thier expierences I can literally inside my mind envision it visually. If it’s a unpleasant expierence I will literally have a physical reaction such has shake my head, or shudder. It’s like a real weird manniersim I have. I can sense when someone is not quite with it, and I have the ability to find out why, by asking the right questions or even just guessing. I could give many, many examples here but it would be too long of a read. I will share just one that happened recently - a male friend of mine rang and asked on advice on why he’s loosing sex his sex drive to a woman he loves and is newly dating.

I instinctively asked him was he stressed about his business. Safe to say he was. I instinctively asked him if he watched a lot of porn before her. He admitted to getting into the hardcore ****. I told him that he’s having problems because a) raising a business is like raising a baby. A woman may loose her sex drive after a baby, so can I man when he’s raising a business. Secondly I told him that the porn and what he has seen visually has rewired his brain to crave that, but he himself (liking the rough stuff) is too afraid to bring this up with his girl because he may feel like she is different to those pro stars, he doesn’t want to objectify her, or degrade her.  He was mind blown. He actually shed a few tears on the phone. I also envisioned being in her shoes, and told him the conversation he needs to have with her to reassure her that the lack of his sex drive is not on her personally. I could feel her self doubt already and literally envision it in my mind. 

Why I think I might just be plain crazy: It’s like I’m a cup, and people fill it and sometimes it overflows and I can’t bear it. But I can’t say no. I’ve tried, I’m trying, it’s something I’m working with and I know deep down is my one biggest barrier to my own personal freedom and happiness. I get a sick satisfaction out of being this cup. Almost like I feel like I’m some type of Jesus sacrificing myself for the good of others. I strive genuinely to be a good person but Jesus however is a way, way better person than I am. I hang on to the loose concept of karma, that if I can only do good to people, good will come back to me. I get rejected, abused and taken advantage of time and time again. I have no concept of red flags. I literally take what people say to me and will believe them without doubts : Unless I get a strange warning sign in my belly area. But this happens rarely and I personally feel this only occurs if someone is completely toxic that even I (naive as ****) can pick up on it. 

My doctors may think I’m bi polar, but I’ve gone through periods of my life where I’m completely stable, it’s only when I’m around toxic people then get betrayed, used or taken advantage of; then does the self hate, self blame eventually sits in. I can’t even at times blame them, I will find a way to blame myself, try in my heart to forgive them, then hope karma rewards me in doing so. 

My suicide attempts (which I won’t delve too deeply in) have now made me aware that something is profoundly wrong with me. That I possibly may have codependency traits. Either that or I’m literally ****ed up. 

Please advise. 

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XenoFish
3 minutes ago, misszoolander said:

My suicide attempts (which I won’t delve too deeply in) have now made me aware that something is profoundly wrong with me. That I possibly may have codependency traits. Either that or I’m literally ****ed up. 

Please advise. 

My advice is talk to your health care provider (doctor) about how you're feeling. If need be please seek professional help. 

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misszoolander

I have, unfortunately they are chucking pills at me. Benzos to be exact. I won’t lie, they are a relief. 

The mental health system in NZ is an utter joke, I literally woke up to a man twice the size of me on top of me wanting to kiss me. (Another patient, I was so mind bogged on quitapine an anti psychotic drug). 

Ive paid 400 bucks per session for a private psych only for her to diagnose me with generalised anxiety disorder. My issues I know run deeper than that. 

Im in the waiting list for councilling but the meth problem here is so bad that health professionals are overloaded on cases of addiction rather than cases like mine. 

Its pretty hopeless. 

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XenoFish

Is there any form of stability in your life. A daily routine, something like that?

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misszoolander

I work two jobs which I’m fairly confident in. I was student nursing, in my final year. Unfortunately they wouldn’t take me back due to the attempts. - fair enough on their part. 

I need to make this clear, I’m not suicidal currently. I don’t have that drive currently. 

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XenoFish
Just now, misszoolander said:

I work two jobs which I’m fairly confident in. I was student nursing, in my final year. Unfortunately they wouldn’t take me back due to the attempts. - fair enough on their part. 

I need to make this clear, I’m not suicidal currently. I don’t have that drive currently. 

That's a hard demon to kill I know. First off empathy is a natural human function. Think of it as a form of sympathy. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/empathy

A lot of the emotional pain you've experienced in the past may be the source of your feelings. It's best to resolve them in a safe way. Journaling can help with this. With the addition of some breathing meditation to calm the mind. 

Is your diet fairly balanced? Are you getting enough of the stuff you need? If not try a multivitamin and see if it helps. 

I recently came out of deep depression myself. It sucked. I found that a daily routine, exercise, diet and just getting fresh air helped me out a lot. So did using a morning affirmation as well. 

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Piney
5 minutes ago, misszoolander said:

I work two jobs which I’m fairly confident in. I was student nursing, in my final year. Unfortunately they wouldn’t take me back due to the attempts. - fair enough on their part. 

I need to make this clear, I’m not suicidal currently. I don’t have that drive currently. 

A decent diet can help restore a imbalance. You might have too much "chemistry" in your life. Exercise helps too, along with some good yogurts and cheeses to help your microbiom which helps regulate your systems.

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misszoolander

I take magnesium which helps, and breathing meditation does help I agree. I’ve downloaded an app which literally tells me how to breathe. 

In my day to day life, I’m fairly rounded. Tons of friends, social butterfly, enjoy camping etc. 

I feel most at peace when camping. Especially if I’m by a lake. I just love it. 

I am sorry to hear you have expierenced the demon we know as depression. It’s truly undescrible how demotivating it can be. 

On a physiological sense medication does help, so does excersice etc. 

i guess, at this moment in time I’m a very young (26) confused people, trying to do the best I can in what I believe is a ****ty hard world (although at times beautiful I must admit). 

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XenoFish
1 minute ago, misszoolander said:

I take magnesium which helps, and breathing meditation does help I agree. I’ve downloaded an app which literally tells me how to breathe. 

In my day to day life, I’m fairly rounded. Tons of friends, social butterfly, enjoy camping etc. 

I feel most at peace when camping. Especially if I’m by a lake. I just love it. 

I am sorry to hear you have expierenced the demon we know as depression. It’s truly undescrible how demotivating it can be. 

On a physiological sense medication does help, so does excersice etc. 

i guess, at this moment in time I’m a very young (26) confused people, trying to do the best I can in what I believe is a ****ty hard world (although at times beautiful I must admit). 

Yep I think I might have a clue what's up. It's your perspective. Would you define yourself as an optimist, pessimist, or realist?

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misszoolander

I’m an optimist when it comes to people. I see the good, hardly the bad. When I do see the bad, I tend not to judge. 

 

Im definitely not a realist, however I love to be around realists, as they keep me grounded. 

 

Im a pessimist in regards to myself. What I can do better, I should’ve done this, I should’ve done that, said that, helped more, helped less. This is all brutal honestly that goes through my brain at times. Not however all the time, there are times where I can look at myself and be happy with the person I am. It’s only when I’ve been taken advantage of or abused mentally or physically that I tend to become highly pessimistic towards myself. 

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misszoolander

When it comes to how I view the world I would say I’m also pessimistic. Sometimes I will shut down the tv, or my fb news feed because I can’t handle seeing news of shootings, senseless death etc. I find it hard to bear. 

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XenoFish
Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, misszoolander said:

Im a pessimist in regards to myself. What I can do better, I should’ve done this, I should’ve done that, said that, helped more, helped less. This is all brutal honestly that goes through my brain at times. Not however all the time, there are times where I can look at myself and be happy with the person I am. It’s only when I’ve been taken advantage of or abused mentally or physically that I tend to become highly pessimistic towards myself. 

 

6 minutes ago, misszoolander said:

When it comes to how I view the world I would say I’m also pessimistic. Sometimes I will shut down the tv, or my fb news feed because I can’t handle seeing news of shootings, senseless death etc. I find it hard to bear. 

You like being around realist. What I suggest is being a realist towards yourself. Acknowledge your limitations. The could've, should've, and would've things. Yet do not hate yourself for them. Acknowledge it and move forward. If a new situations arises, then you can make a better decision based on past missteps. I mean once the past is gone, it's gone. Dwelling on it does nothing for your future. It's a lot like letting go of personal baggage. 

I don't pay attention to stuff going on it the world that much. I try to make my own microcosmic existence worth it. I found a lot of my personal freedom through philosophy which gave me a 'unique' world view. Might be worth a venture for yourself possibly.

Edited by XenoFish
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misszoolander

I have a lot of baggage to let go, not just mine, but other people’s as well. 

Realism for me might be a hard concept for me to take on, due to my nature being so subjective rather than objective. 

However I will bring this advice onboard and see if I have the mental ability/strength to become objective to the surrondings and people around me. 

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XenoFish
1 minute ago, misszoolander said:

I have a lot of baggage to let go, not just mine, but other people’s as well. 

Realism for me might be a hard concept for me to take on, due to my nature being so subjective rather than objective. 

However I will bring this advice onboard and see if I have the mental ability/strength to become objective to the surrondings and people around me. 

https://blog.cognifit.com/what-is-a-realist-8-signs-to-tell-if-you-have-a-realist-personality/

Being a realist isn't difficult. You just look at life and see it for what it is without it getting to you. Think of being a realist as being similar to a stoic.

22 stoic truth bombs

I do want you to do two things. The first is every morning say to yourself a few times "I will make the best of today no matter what happens." and the second is keep in touch with us. I would love to know your personal progress, and welcome to UM. 

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egg1head

you sound exactly like me man, we can talk about how to deal with it. *Snip* (Do not post personal information.)

 

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Dejarma

Am I an empath? Or just plain crazy?

if all this kinda stuff is real then you'd know you're not crazy

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XenoFish
7 minutes ago, Dejarma said:

Am I an empath? Or just plain crazy?

if all this kinda stuff is real then you'd know you're not crazy

Empathy is a normal human function. I really wish people would quit calling it a "psychic ability".

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Dejarma
35 minutes ago, XenoFish said:

Empathy is a normal human function.

it's not normal for some people= those who brake into an old person's home- tie them to a chair & rob them!

not enough so decided to cut their throats= just because they can.. i've been saying for years; the human race is splitting into 2 species:

those like you & I, & those who feel nothing when doing something like this

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XenoFish
1 hour ago, Dejarma said:

those like you & I, & those who feel nothing when doing something like this

Sorry, I'm not like you. I feel to much. I have to mentally numb myself so I don't have another nervous breakdown. 

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Dejarma
2 minutes ago, XenoFish said:

Sorry, I'm not like you. 

in what way are you not like me?

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XenoFish
5 minutes ago, Dejarma said:

in what way are you not like me?

The way you worded it, makes it sound like we're both psychopaths. 

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Dejarma
5 hours ago, XenoFish said:

The way you worded it, makes it sound like we're both psychopaths. 

how on earth you come to that conclusion i've no idea= i'm suggesting the exact opposite.. but no worries

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