Bunny Boiler

[PeterJGS]

I’m not sure what’s happened

But something seems to have clicked

In my head 

 

I was doing so well

For it all to come crashing down

 

I tell myself that I won’t do it again 

That I won’t let it

Get the better of me

Again. 

 

But here I sit

Glancing over my shoulder 

At you

 

I know that you’re on your phone 

But what are you doing?

Who are you talking to?

What are you saying?

 

Why are you smiling?

Why are you laughing?

 

I try so hard to fight the urges

But they keep winning 

Overwhelming me with 

Anxiety and paranoia 

 

This is exhausting. 

 

The evenings seem so long

And I time it just so right

That when you leave the room

I can look at your phone 

 

The window of opportunity is seconds

And I hate that I’ve given in

It just fuels my insecurity 

 

I can understand why I doubt your faithfulness 

You betrayed me last year

And we’re both aware of the fact. 

 

We were doing so well

So what’s changed?

Why am I such a wreck?

Why can I not believe a word?

 

Is it sad that I still trust you?

Is it weak of me that I still love you?

 

So where do I go from here?

You tell me that you love me

And reassure me that there’s no one else. 

 

When I sit back and analyse things

When would you even have the opportunity 

To be unfaithful?

Where is the evidence?

 

Am I letting this paranoia

Manifest so much that

I cannot believe reality

Anymore. 

 

Or should I trust this feeling in my gut?

 

Am I ill?

Do I need help?

Should I see the doctor?

Or is this all your doing?

 

Would I be better off without you?

Because I love our life together 

And I don’t question the fact 

That you love me too

 

So how can I diminish these thoughts?

It’s killing me

And it’s killing us. 

 

I’ll end up pushing you away. 

The last thing I want to be is 

A bunny boiler.  

 

But I feel like I’m already on the road

To insanity

And self destruction.