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The Aquisition


StarMountainKid

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The Acquisition

Well, the deal's finally been done. Negotiations dragged on longer than expected, mainly because of a certain high official who held out for a more lucrative personal compensation package. Money changed hands - lots of it - influence was cast about, some arms were twisted, but in the end we succeeded. We bought Jesus from the Christians.

We got it all, too: the copyrights, the trademarks, exclusive use of the images, the liturgies, the sacraments, the slogans, the philosophy, the Disciples, the statues, the crucifix's...all safely packed away in warehouses. In short, everything.

Of course, the fundamentalists put up the biggest objections to the purchase, but they also proved to be the greediest, so we stuffed cash down their throats, and in the end they seemed more satisfied with that than with their righteous opposition.

I don't know what they'll be worshiping now. I suppose they'll have to dig up someone else. I know there's a great void they're all staring into, but that's commerce.

The joke going around the office is, the second coming is going to be much bigger than the first. Much more profitable, that is. Some stockholders objected to the expense of this acquisition, but we think with the right promotion and advertising we can sell the product more effectively than some expect. We're looking at the long-term profitability of the thing. After all, it earned a nice yield for the previous owners for two thousand years.

We think we can adjust the product in certain ways that will make it more suitable to the average consumer of today. A little less demanding, a little less formal, more compliant to the changing tastes of this modern society of ours.

We've contracted the artistic department of a major film studio to transform this Jesus fellow into more of a modern day celebrity. We want to invent an agreeable persona for him, add a little personality to the rather austere, reserved and old fashioned righteousness. Perhaps a James Dean type, or maybe a Brando has been considered. After all, we must please the demographics. Keep the virtuous bits but add a little danger and sexuality. That always sells. Anyway, some personality that is attractive to both genders.

We think with the right kind of promotion this Jesus item could be The Next Big Thing. We've lined up several pop stars and Hollywood types for TV commercials, we've secured some placements in various upcoming films, we're looking at a video game or two, we're developing some innovative merchandising, a big budget blockbuster movie with a major star is on the drawing board. All in good taste, of course.

Also, we've thought of the Disciples as a sort of back-up band. They could be used as a warm-up act before The Real Thing appears in live performances. You know, get the audience in the mood. We could spin them off as independent artists, as well. Make albums on their own and maybe do a little touring in smaller venues.

Now, you may be wondering why the Christians would be willing to sell Jesus in the first place. Well, He just wasn't profitable any longer. More money was being spent on promotion and maintenance than in generating revenue. Attendance was down, consumers were turning to other genres of entertainment and contributions were falling off. The product just wasn't as popular as it once was. So the Church leaders thought to unload a failing line of merchandise and diversify.

All in all, I think the transaction will be beneficial to both sides. We have a brand we consider cost-effective and viable, the Church can move on to promote whatever they think best. Rumor has it they've been looking into acquiring stock in a major corporation. Pharmaceuticals possibly or oil or banking. They already have a head start in banking, as we all know. Investing to gain more liquidity and a better return on their capital. In other words, getting out of the religion business entirely.

We hope our new Jesus will appeal to you, and that you will find time to allow Him to enter your life. After all, we all need comfort and forgiveness and some hope for the future. Be assured no extra effort will be required. The price in capital and devotion will fit comfortably in your busy daily lives and budgets, with the added attraction of participating in the most current and fashionable cultural movement. All your friends will be there, you don't want to be left out. Jesus will soon be on stage, so to speak, and the lights you see shining and the music you hear playing will surround Him like a halo of shared ecstasy and rapture.

Be ready, He is making His long-awaited Second Coming, more popular than ever.

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