Anticipation and joy

[markdohle]

 

Anticipation and joy

When I was in boot camp in 1967, (I was in the Navy for four years)…I felt locked up there, and when I looked out at the people driving along the freeway, I thought how wonderful their lives must be, how free and in my mind’s eye, how easy.  It was because I was in a very stressful place.  I was 18 and it was the first time I was away from family.  I did my boot camp in San Diego.  It got better after a few weeks, but I never lost that moment of looking out at all the ‘free’ people. –Br.MD

The above quote brings to light a powerful moment in my life.  At the time, over 50 years ago, that desire to be free and away from the present circumstance, was strong.  Though I doubt I had any idea that I would be remembering it when I was 69.  Yet the desire to be as free as the young people, in the convertible, which was racing down the freeway, right outside ‘boot camp’, has never left me.  I can still fill the early morning chill, and my hankering for my old life, which at the time, seemed perfect.  Being home, going to school, delivering papers etc., took on an aura that was not true in any sense, yet alluring.  For while I loved my family, I did not find High School, a place that I desired to be at, when I was attending.  Nor did I love doing the paper route etc.  It was just better than where I was.

My life moved on.  In a few weeks, boot camp got much easier and I was soon on my way to Midway Island, which was truly a place that I enjoyed being part of.  I was there for a year, which of course, flew by way too quickly.  So I left there one day, got on the plane, and when I looked out the window at the Island, I was amazed how small it was, and how for one year it was my world.  I have found that I will always have to leave something behind, some with regret, and others gladly.

I find it easy to lose perspective on what is important, and will often seek to cling to ‘something’ that will promise me some permanence here in this world.  Yet that I the biggest illusion of all I guess.  Letting go, loss, finding new life, and hope, seems to be one of the constants in a world that unpredictable.  

One of the benefits of my vow of stability is that it keeps me in one place.  I may from time to time get in the grip of an illusion that there is a better life somewhere else, or a better community, or even a better me if only I could get there.  Yet, I could be on the planet Mars, and it would still be just me, just here, or there, or anywhere, with the same inner struggles and choices that must be faced.   So, yes, I am happy that when I feel some instability, I have my vow to keep me on track.  I guess marriage vows can do that for many.  Giving our word, and keeping it, is important.  If I don’t take root, I will just wander from one place to another.  That also applies to the inner life of the soul as well. 

As I age, I find a certain sense of anticipation, as well as joy, and happiness, which was not there when I was young.  It has been a long slow journey for me here (though in retrospect it has gone by very fast).  I am not one of those who walks a straight path, I tend to veer left, and right, and stop, and have a flat tire, from time to time.  Yes, I can get stuck, or feel stuck. Yet, slowly, ever so slowly, my life here makes more sense as my heart slowly opened up in trust of God’s love for me.  I am both a man of faith and doubt.  It is quite a dance, a good one. It keeps me digging, and trying to understand both in my head, and heart, what my life is about. 

So, as I age, my future in this world gets shorter.  I can no longer think of 30 years in the future, 20 maybe, a good chance it could be less.   It can be sobering to think about that, yet also freeing.  When my body is planted behind our abbey church when I reach the end of my life, what will it be like to stand before infinite truth, and to be seen fully? As has always been the case. Yet I will also know that I am being seen fully, yet loved.  At death, all hiding from ourselves is over.  Will that be the time that my hard heart will finally break open and all the tears that I have kept inside from fear, lead me deeper into the infinite ocean of living water? 

I sense that when I pray, God not only sees me, but all of his children.  We are each so connected, yet I am often unaware when I am not praying.  Outside of space and time is where we all pray and meditate.  It is there, when we stop and pray/meditate, that we touch reality, and see through the illusion of separation.

A man was dying, in a coma, was with his wife, she was holding his hand.  Suddenly he opened his eyes, they were filled with light.  He squeezed his wife’s hand and said, “I now understand”, smiled and died.  What did he mean?  We will each have to make up our minds with statements like these that people make just before they die.  Perhaps that is the deepening anticipation and joy I am experiencing as I age, when I will understand. –Br.MD