Adam & Eve … The Untold Story.

[JamieDarke]

I spent quite a bit of time on historical research last week. Its so weird when your brain takes you off topic; like when you’re lying in bed waiting to drift off to sleep and you start thinking about how far Friday is from Monday but how close Monday is to Friday then the next thing you realize you’re thinking about the cool birthday party your folks gave you when you turned thirteen!

It was just like that with me recently. I was reading about some random writer who suggested that the late great John Lennon was murdered because of a tug-of-war for possession of his spirit/psyche/soul by two alien factions; one wanting peace & the other war. Personally I seldom discount any alien theory no matter how improbable it may seem at first glance. Anyway, I eventually ended up reading “The Forgotten Books of Eden” which forms part of The Lost Books of the Bible.”

I found this version of the creation quite entertaining and at times it almost had me in stitches. It’s a far better one then that which appears in the Bible put together by Constantine and his crew at Nicea.

So Adam & Eve were evicted from the Garden of Eden because of a misdemeanor after Eve was tempted by Satan in the guise of a walking talking serpent. Their new abode was “The Cave of Treasures” situated atop some mountain.

I guess this move must have been quite traumatic for them. I mean in the garden they had plenty of water and the fruit found there “was much larger than the fruit of the land.” Just how much larger I’ll explain later. That and the fact that Adam lost his job as well because not only was he a gardener, he was also a zoologist … he named all the animals didn’t he?

And by the way I forgot to mention that God caused a divine wind to carry the walky talky Satan/serpent away and threw it on the seashore and it landed up in India. That’ll learn ya, you walky talky snakey thingee!

But back to the first couple. They must have been in a bad mood after their eviction because when they got to the cave they started muttering/praying in “their own language unknown to us but which they knew well.” Adam started b****ing to God about the nights being too long, the cave being pitch black inside and that that had no food.

Adam you see was a real dumbass. Satan, who must have found his way back from India, kept trying to tempt Adam, while he Satan, was in drag. He appeared to Adam as a beautiful woman, sometimes as several women and at times as an angelic being among other guises. Adam just couldn’t see thru Satan’s disguises so God had to keep baling him out. Adam used to sulk a lot too because whenever he couldn’t get his own way or when God stopped taking to him, “he fell down on the ground as if dead.” Then his mate had to pray to God to bring him back.

God must have got sick and tired of Adam’s whinging because he sent the angel Michael “as far as the sea that reaches unto India.” What’s this love affair with India about? There Michael took seventy golden rods which were from the Indian sea where there are precious stones and brought them to Adam. These rods would shine with light and put an end to Adam’s fear of darkness. What a baby!

Remember I said I’d get back to you about the big fruit? Okay. God brought Adam and Eve each two branches of a fig tree from the garden. A new wardrobe perhaps? On each branch there were two figs. Now get this … the weight of each fig was that of a watermelon! Didn’t I say this was a cool story? So they took the figs and began to eat them, but God had put into them a mixture of savory bread (nice) and blood (yuck!) Now maybe that’ll stop your b****ing for a while.

Later Eve gave birth to twins; Cain and his sister Luluwa. The meaning of Cain is “hater.” Wow, way to go A & E! And you wonder why he went off the rails and Luluwa means “beautiful” because she was more beautiful than her mother. Then another set of twins were born … Abel and his sister Aklia.

And so they all lived together like happy happy cavemen and cavewomen until Cain turned fifteen and Abel twelve. Then Adam had an idea. “We should find wives for them.” Duh! Now that ought to tax his brain. I mean a choice of two, three females if you count mamma. Then he saw the light and announced: “Cain can marry Abel’s twin sister and Abel can marry Cain’s twin sister.”

Anyway they put the marriage thing on hold for a while because the brothers had to sacrifice to God. Cain built an elaborate altar for his sacrifice while Abel just threw a few stones together. Then they sat back and waited to see if their offerings would be accepted. Soon a divine fire came down from heaven to accept Abel’s offering but Cain lucked out … no fire for him. Bummer!

Being blown off like this by God caused Cain to get seriously miffed off so he invited his brother to take a stroll with him out into a field. Here he wacked Abel with his staff until he was stunned. Abel then apparently told Cain to stop messing about and do a proper job of killing him. “Finish me off with a large stone brother.” Cain obliged and bashed Abel’s brains out with said large stone.

When Cain was seventeen and a half he married his sister Luluwa and they left home to go to the bottom of the mountain. There his sister “bare him children who in their turn began to multiply in degrees until they filled the place.” Like a population explosion.

Meanwhile back atop the mountain Adam and Eve had had any sex for seven years. Then she conceived … I’ll bet and a beautiful son was born. Oh oh, Luluwa was beautiful and look what happened. Adam named the boy Seth that means … wait for it … “that God has heard my prayer and has delivered me out of affliction.” But wait, that’s not all. It also means “power and strength.” And after that A & E never had sex again.

Adam told Seth to marry the late Abel’s twin sister Aklia and when he was fifteen he did so. Now by my reckoning Aklia must have been about twenty two when Seth was born which would have made her about thirty seven when they married. Was Aklia the very first cougar? When Seth was twenty, a son Enos was born plus other children. Enos grew up, married.  Exactly who? Cainan was born. Cainan married … Again who? And Mahalaleel was born.

Adam died at the end of 930 years on the 15th day of Barmudeh after the reckoning of the sun at the 9th hour – a Friday, the same day he was created. Seth’s children were named “Children of God” they did no earthly work and all they did was praise God with psalms and doxologies. All the time they heard the voices of angels when they went on errands or when they were going up to heaven. They lived only 15 “spiritual” cubits from the garden. One “spiritual cubit equals 3 cubits of man. Seems to me they didn’t only grow fruit in the garden! Must have been weed too.

Seth died aged 912 years on the 27th of the month Abib. By now Cain had a large progeny who married frequently being given over to lust so that their land was filled with them. Lameth the Blind was a son of Cain and he in turn had a son named Atun. Hmmm …shades of Ancient Egypt. Atun’s mother was Hazina. One day Lameth was with Atun who was guarding their cattle. Atun was afraid to be alone because he was afraid robbers would attack him.

Cain went looking for them and the boy Atun mistook him for a robber. I mean their land was “full of them” so maybe he didn’t recognize his own grandpa. Yeah right! Then Lambeth, remember he’s blind, has Atun point him in the direction of the “robber” and he shoots his father Cain in the side with an arrow. Now if I ever shot my old man in the side with an arrow he’d have had quite a bit to say to me. Not so Cain. Lameth the Blind then strikes Cain in the head with a stone from his sling, so hard that both Cain’s eyes pop out of his head and he falls to the ground dead, Atun the idiot tells Lameth that he’s just killed his father. This so angers Atun’s dad that he grabs his son and smashes his head with a rock until he’s dead. Like father, like son. It seems early historians wrote to be interesting and to pot with accuracy.

 

[Jodie.Lynne]

2 hours ago, JamieDarke said:

Personally I seldom discount any alien theory no matter how improbable it may seem at first glance.

Yep, this says it all.

[Jello]

This was written like a spin-off of Drunk History. I have no Christian or Catholic background so this is the first time I've read the whole story and now its imbedded in my head like a leech. 

[Ogbin]

On 5/13/2018 at 6:58 AM, JamieDarke said:

So Adam & Eve were evicted from the Garden of Eden because of a misdemeanor after Eve was tempted by Satan

It wasn't because of Eve that they were kicked out of Eden. It was because of Adam. Adam was created first and told directly by God not to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Adam was without excuse.

Genesis 2:7-9 "And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul. And the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed. And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil."

Genesis 2:15-17  "And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die."

Romans 5;12a "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin..."

1 Corinthians 15:22a "For as in Adam all die..."

 

Yes, Eve was the one who was deceived, but it was Adam who willfully and knowingly went against the Lord's commandment.

1 Timothy 2:14 "And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression."

2 Corinthians 11:3a "But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty..."

Genesis 3:13 "And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat."

Genesis 3:12 "And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat."

 

 

Edited May 25, 2018 by Ogbin

[Tatetopa]

Some people worry about the science in Star Wars and some folks argue over what Draco Malfoy was wearing when Harry Potter punched him in the nose.   I figure you can tell me why genetics was not at work back then to make us all inbred mutants or why incest went out of fashion.  And just what did the aliens have to do with it?

[SHaYap]

36 minutes ago, Tatetopa said:

And just what did the aliens have to do with it?

To spice up and old boring story

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[jmccr8]

Is it proper to tell untold stories and if you tell then it's not an untold story is it? By the way who told the untold story first and why? How do we know that someone didn't just make it up anyway?

jmccr8

[Jodie.Lynne]

5 hours ago, Tatetopa said:

Some people worry about the science in Star Wars and some folks argue over what Draco Malfoy was wearing when Harry Potter punched him in the nose.   I figure you can tell me why genetics was not at work back then to make us all inbred mutants or why incest went out of fashion.  And just what did the aliens have to do with it?

Ahhh maybe the aliens were there to conduct genetics altering procedures to avoid the inbred mutant thing......

Unless it was a time traveling James T. Kirk, because if it was, well, we know what happened........

[Piney]

7 hours ago, Tatetopa said:

And just what did the aliens have to do with it?

Probably to sell a book. That's what they always have to do with it.......

[Jodie.Lynne]

3 hours ago, Piney said:

Probably to sell a book. That's what they always have to do with it.......

Or to mine gold. Ya know, because an advanced alien race capable of traversing untold lights years doesn't have the tech to effortlessly mine precious ores.........

[Piney]

1 hour ago, JMPD1 said:

Or to mine gold. Ya know, because an advanced alien race capable of traversing untold lights years doesn't have the tech to effortlessly mine precious ores.........

Or use a ram scoop to gather it out of a binary planetary nebula.....

[SHaYap]

I hope they have a valid Inter Galactic License to run that ram scoop ...

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[jmccr8]

11 hours ago, third_eye said:

I hope they have a valid Inter Galactic License to run that ram scoop ...

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Ha, I beaming up and transforming them into gold ingots and in the cargo bay now almost got this load done and I'm outta here, see ya later.

jmccr8

[SHaYap]

3 minutes ago, jmccr8 said:

Ha, I beaming up and transforming them into gold ingots and in the cargo bay now almost got this load done and I'm outta here, see ya later.

jmccr8

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Not so fast ...

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[jmccr8]

6 minutes ago, third_eye said:

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Not so fast ...

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Sorry I'm on a tight schedule maybe next time bye and have a nice day.

jmccalien

Edited May 27, 2018 by jmccr8
spulling

[SHaYap]

2 minutes ago, jmccr8 said:

Sorry I'm a tight schedule maybe next time bye and have a nice day.

jmccalien

I knew you'd say that ... you asked for it ...

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Your gold smuggling days are over ...

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[jmccr8]

2 minutes ago, third_eye said:

I knew you'd say that ... you asked for it ...

~

 

 

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Your gold smuggling days are over ...

~

Hahaha that's not me that's one of Walker's clones, it's okay cuz they all have a shared memory and there are plenty of them and he seems to like it.

jmccalien

[Jodie.Lynne]

and I thought they smelled bad on the outside!