What to do when the children leave

[Justice please]

Now that my son is leaving I feel so empty inside. What have you done to feel better. Please no rude remarks I am already in so much pain.

[Taun]

If you are like most parents, you have lived your life for your children... Now it is time to live your life for yourself... And don't worry - your son will return from time to time, but he needs to live his life just as you need to live yours...

If you are the type person who has hobbys - indulge in them, if not perhaps you could volunteer at a childrens hospital (if one is nearby)...

Many years ago my only child died in infancy... I was devistated, but after a while I learned that there was an orphanage nearby and I volunteered to help out there... Soon I had dozens of "kids" and felt much more whole again...

[NightScreams]

All I know is what I plan to do...if my 27 yr old stepson ever leaves that is, I'm gonna walk around the house naked whenever I feel like it. However there is only so much you can do as it will get easier with time. Namely finding hobbies that continually occupy the time seems to help a lot along with hanging out with friends and family as much as you can. You might be able to take up babysitting? Just being around young ones will do a lot fo fill the void. You will feel empty for a while, it's more of a matter of keeping your mind busy until it gradually subsides.

[Kismit]

It is not an issue wich gets much coverage, but there is a huge problem for many women as thier babies leave the nest.

As young girls and teenagers we know what we like and who we are, but as a Mum, you sacrifice all of those things (willingly) for your children. And when they leave, decades have passed, music is different,  your friends are different, socializing is different. 

It can be very difficult to even remember who you were before you were a Mum.

My best advice is to join a group. A pottery class, a yoga class, a book club. But definitely make sure you step out and go looking for a  life you will enjoy.

Also make your son send you proof of life daily. It is important. Snap chat is actually really good for this.

[Daughter of the Nine Moons]

I feel you, my son is starting uni in September. I think that we have to trust as mums that we've done our best and raised good human beings that we can be proud of. And don't forget to tell them that.

[TonopahRick]

As others have said, hobbies are a great way to spend your time.  Hang out with friends who also have children that have moved away and share stories with them to find out how they cope.  Also, prepare for the coming of GRANDCHILDREN. 

[Justice please]

On 5/31/2018 at 9:58 PM, Goddess of the Mist said:

I truly understand as I am going through much the same.  I think the best way is to look at it like a new beginning - for both you and your son!  Change is exciting and brings about many new possibilities.  And we should be happy for our kids to be starting their own lives, too.  Think of all the great things they will do!   

 

Thank  you everyone who helped me with this subject. I do realize my son needs his own life and freedom to do what he wants to do in life. I am Latin and most of us usually hang on to our kids for a long time. Since I am a single mother and had to raise my son on my own. I am not very educated but taught my son all that I knew. I used to read to him when he was just a newborn. I would also use my hypnosis tapes on him too. I would play songs while he was sleeping and when he awoke he would sing the song completely during the day. I took him to apply for his first library card when he was five. My dad taught him how to play chess at that age too. He learned to play pool when he was 9 years old and beat my older brother. He became a professor at age 26 and teaches at a university. He is great in math and English as well. He is definitely gifted. We also went through heck in life together too. We recently had an argument and we hadn't spoken for a few days which is not like us at all. I realized the tremendous pain I was in and had to ask for help. I know I have to let him go but want to let him go on good terms not bad. He has the right to be happy.

[RAyMO]

don't fret everything will be great - he will find his own way and like it or not you will be involved. I'm sure he is proud of what you have achieved together and he will be proud of what he achieves by himself and he will want to share that pride and enthusiasm for life with you. Him moving out is not the end, its a new beginning for both of you - together but apart.

My two moved out - the wife fretted a bit - but we never lost touch and are still very much a family - the kids enjoy telling us of their new adventures, are not behind the door in asking for help, or giving us 'oldies' the benefit of their advice. As I said it will be fun.

While this is going on, get out and enjoy your new freedom too.

Edited June 2, 2018 by RAyMO

[+ouija ouija]

6 hours ago, Justice please said:

Thank  you everyone who helped me with this subject. I do realize my son needs his own life and freedom to do what he wants to do in life. I am Latin and most of us usually hang on to our kids for a long time. Since I am a single mother and had to raise my son on my own. I am not very educated but taught my son all that I knew. I used to read to him when he was just a newborn. I would also use my hypnosis tapes on him too. I would play songs while he was sleeping and when he awoke he would sing the song completely during the day. I took him to apply for his first library card when he was five. My dad taught him how to play chess at that age too. He learned to play pool when he was 9 years old and beat my older brother. He became a professor at age 26 and teaches at a university. He is great in math and English as well. He is definitely gifted. We also went through heck in life together too. We recently had an argument and we hadn't spoken for a few days which is not like us at all. I realized the tremendous pain I was in and had to ask for help. I know I have to let him go but want to let him go on good terms not bad. He has the right to be happy.

WOW! From one single mother of a son, to another: I applaud you!  Sounds like you've done a great job

I only get to see my son a couple of times a year, but something that really eases the pain of that is Skype. We talk on Skype for hours at a time and being able to see him is wonderful ...... so much better than a phone call. I can pick my laptop up and 'show' him round my garden, he can 'show' me what funny position the cat has got herself into. Just everyday stuff but it's like a tonic to me. Afterwards, I go around smiling and singing!

p.s. not sure about Kismet's suggestion that you make sure your son contacts you every day. I think that most young people with busy lives would really baulk at that. My feeling is that quality is better than quantity. 

Edited June 2, 2018 by ouija ouija
correcting punctuation ..... still not sure it's right!

[Justice please]

11 hours ago, RAyMO said:

don't fret everything will be great - he will find his own way and like it or not you will be involved. I'm sure he is proud of what you have achieved together and he will be proud of what he achieves by himself and he will want to share that pride and enthusiasm for life with you. Him moving out is not the end, its a new beginning for both of you - together but apart.

My two moved out - the wife fretted a bit - but we never lost touch and are still very much a family - the kids enjoy telling us of their new adventures, are not behind the door in asking for help, or giving us 'oldies' the benefit of their advice. As I said it will be fun.

While this is going on, get out and enjoy your new freedom too.

Thank you RayMo I needed to hear this. It is time I started a new life as well. I will always be here for him if he needs me.

[Justice please]

6 hours ago, ouija ouija said:

WOW! From one single mother of a son, to another: I applaud you!  Sounds like you've done a great job

I only get to see my son a couple of times a year, but something that really eases the pain of that is Skype. We talk on Skype for hours at a time and being able to see him is wonderful ...... so much better than a phone call. I can pick my laptop up and 'show' him round my garden, he can 'show' me what funny position the cat has got herself into. Just everyday stuff but it's like a tonic to me. Afterwards, I go around smiling and singing!

p.s. not sure about Kismet's suggestion that you make sure your son contacts you every day. I think that most young people with busy lives would really baulk at that. My feeling is that quality is better than quantity. 

Thank you your advice is good for me. Please take care.

[Justice please]

15 hours ago, TonopahRick said:

As others have said, hobbies are a great way to spend your time.  Hang out with friends who also have children that have moved away and share stories with them to find out how they cope.  Also, prepare for the coming of GRANDCHILDREN. 

thank you it is great advice as well.

 

[Justice please]

On 6/1/2018 at 2:51 AM, Daughter of the Nine Moons said:

I feel you, my son is starting uni in September. I think that we have to trust as mums that we've done our best and raised good human beings that we can be proud of. And don't forget to tell them that.

Yes I have thanked him for so many wonderful things he has done.

[Justice please]

On 5/31/2018 at 10:19 PM, Kismit said:

It is not an issue wich gets much coverage, but there is a huge problem for many women as thier babies leave the nest.

As young girls and teenagers we know what we like and who we are, but as a Mum, you sacrifice all of those things (willingly) for your children. And when they leave, decades have passed, music is different,  your friends are different, socializing is different. 

It can be very difficult to even remember who you were before you were a Mum.

My best advice is to join a group. A pottery class, a yoga class, a book club. But definitely make sure you step out and go looking for a  life you will enjoy.

Also make your son send you proof of life daily. It is important. Snap chat is actually really good for this.

Thank you Kismet I know for sure we will communicate.

[Justice please]

On 5/31/2018 at 9:58 PM, Goddess of the Mist said:

I truly understand as I am going through much the same.  I think the best way is to look at it like a new beginning - for both you and your son!  Change is exciting and brings about many new possibilities.  And we should be happy for our kids to be starting their own lives, too.  Think of all the great things they will do!   

 

Yes I have great hope for my son he is brilliant since a newborn baby.

[Justice please]

On 5/31/2018 at 6:08 PM, Taun said:

If you are like most parents, you have lived your life for your children... Now it is time to live your life for yourself... And don't worry - your son will return from time to time, but he needs to live his life just as you need to live yours...

If you are the type person who has hobbys - indulge in them, if not perhaps you could volunteer at a childrens hospital (if one is nearby)...

Many years ago my only child died in infancy... I was devistated, but after a while I learned that there was an orphanage nearby and I volunteered to help out there... Soon I had dozens of "kids" and felt much more whole again...

Thank you Taun I will listen to you I too have to start living myself. I feel it will be good for both of us.

[+ouija ouija]

All the suggestions to take up hobbies, voluntary work, study etc. are good for two reasons: firstly it's good for you to fill your time, learn new skills, help people and make new friends, but secondly, and I have only belatedly realised this: it is good for your son to see that your life doesn't fall apart just because he's not there ...... that would be a terrible weight for him to carry. It will be good and comforting for him to see that you are happy and fulfilled, that you can adapt positively to change. Plus, this will make it easier for him to visit(and leave).  

[Guyver]

On 5/31/2018 at 6:10 PM, NightScreams said:

All I know is what I plan to do...if my 27 yr old stepson ever leaves that is, I'm gonna walk around the house naked whenever I feel like it. 

This sounds both completely awesome and quite sad at the same time.  I hope you get to walk around naked soon.