Emotional Vampires

[LightAngel 6,951]

I'm sure we all have known a person who was draining the life out of us?!

Here is a little help if you know a person like that right now:

Quote

To protect your energy, it's important to combat draining people. The following strategies can help you identify and combat emotional vampires from an empowered place.

5 Types of Emotional Vampires

1. The Narcissist

2. The Victim

3. The Controller

4. The Constant Talker

5. The Drama Queen

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-freedom/201101/the-5-types-emotional-vampires-in-your-life

Edited June 29, 2018 by Saru
Trimmed for length - please avoid copy and pasting entire articles.

[LightAngel 6,951]

And I find these words from the link I posted very important: 

"Try to spend time with the loving, nurturing people, and learn to set limits with those who drain you. This will enhance the quality of your life."

[joc 15,039]

The old adage, Birds of a Feather Flock together is true to a large extent  And....if you don't want to become a crow...don't hang out with the crows...you will be assimilated.   

[openozy 1,795]

I grew up next door to a guy who was the constant talker type(the most annoying type I think)after a couple of hours of this guy even the toughest would be looking suicidal.

[Truthseeker007 2,882]

3 hours ago, LightAngel said:

I'm sure we all have known a person who was draining the life out of us?!

Here is a little help if you know a person like that right now:

The constant talkers drain me and I want to throat punch them.I have a few of them at my job.

[Relam 204]

11 hours ago, Truthseeker007 said:

The constant talkers drain me and I want to throat punch them.I have a few of them at my job.

Damn those are the worst, when i translate word from my native language to english, we call them: Washers 

[ouija ouija 34,764]

Yup, we've all had/have them in our life. It's especially tricky to deal with them when you think of them as a friend. I had a friend for many years whose company I enjoyed most of the time; we had shared interests and she could be very funny. But then we lost touch for about twenty years and when we met up again it was at a time when I had several physical and mental health issues. She tried to take over my life, telling me what to do in every situation and belittling everything I said. It got to a point where she would actually insinuate I was lying ..... about the most ridiculous things and some things that were really hurtful. In the end I just said to myself, why am I allowing myself to be made so unhappy? Why am I pretending she is still a friend when she so obviously isn't? I told her that our friendship had run its course and we'd grown apart so I wanted no more contact with her. The feeling of lightness and freedom after that was amazing! I was back in control of my life and a huge weight had fallen off me. My self esteem went up several notches.

Flushed with this success, a year later I told my sister I wanted nothing more to do with her. This was a much bigger decision to make, of course, but I haven't regretted it for a minute.

I guess it partly depends on how much time you're obliged to spend with the 'vampire'. Someone who was a friend of my father's(he is deceased), phones me about once a month and chats for over an hour every time. Actually, when I say 'chats', what happens is that she talks at me for the whole time ..... I am not required to say anything, just make sympathetic noises every now and again! At first I used to dread her calls, but now I just go with the flow and even manage to join in a bit!  The calls are still very draining(so much of the time she's chatting about people I don't even know!), but they're obviously comforting to her. She's living on her own and she obviously gets very lonely in the evenings.  I reckon I can put up with a call once a month(she can be extremely funny sometimes), but if we were living next door to each other .... well! I would have stopped talking to her a long time ago!

Another thing is: do you see the people you love as often as you would like to? I'm guessing the answer is 'no', so why would you waste time with people who drain the life out of you? Kick them to the kerb! My commiserations to those of you who have such people as work colleagues and have no choice but to put up with them.  

[LightAngel 6,951]

15 hours ago, ouija ouija said:

Flushed with this success, a year later I told my sister I wanted nothing more to do with her. This was a much bigger decision to make, of course, but I haven't regretted it for a minute.

 

As part of growing up, we are taught to respect our elders and our family.

With that "respect of authority" also comes the feeling of guilt should we choose to even think of disrespecting it. Of course, it is not just some kind of "operant conditioning" going on here, it's about love and care for those closest to us. On the other hand - it is a form of conditioning, as it is an external value that we then internalize but it also natural as well as such internalization is in itself natural. 

However, though, I have seen too many times how such internalization can lead to some very bad outcomes and people tormented and torn apart by their feelings. And this is especially the case with family members in cases when they are, in the lack of better words, just not good for us.

This could be anything from someone who's just jealous to someone who's physically abusive and everything in between. 

At the end of day, our biological relatives (it could be also our caregivers, if people are adopted) - are just people. It's a matter of circumstance that we are close to them early in life and for a relatively long period of time and is not something ordained by some institution, be it morality, religion, society or whatever else. And as people - our relatives should go through the same scrutiny as any other person in our lives.  

We should feel free to express ourselves and be ourselves, with a sense of responsibility, with whomever. A person has no greater claim on our feelings based on blood and I think this is something we should always remember. 

Going back to my initial claim - the guilt and torment we may sometimes feel when we need to part ways with a family member, is a result of conditioning from early childhood, something we were taught to do and something we can unlearn should it be necessary. However, in most cases, I hope at least, this is not something we need to unlearn, as most families are functional to a satisfactory and productive extent, such as my family. 

I think I was very lucky with the parents I got 

However, there have also been conflicts in my family which resulted in me putting some distance between myself and some family members.

 

Edit: Thank you for a thoughtful post.

Edited July 1, 2018 by LightAngel

[Goddess of the Mist 1,237]

I've been unfortunate enough to have the #1 Narcissist in my life a few too many times.  In a weird way, I seem to attract this.  One of them has left a lasting impact on my life that seems to nudge its way in every now and again even though it's been years!!  It's incredible what this kind of energy can do to you!

[The Wistman 6,010]

10 hours ago, Goddess of the Mist said:

I've been unfortunate enough to have the #1 Narcissist in my life a few too many times.  In a weird way, I seem to attract this.  One of them has left a lasting impact on my life that seems to nudge its way in every now and again even though it's been years!!  It's incredible what this kind of energy can do to you!

Goddess, I honestly think that narcissists are always looking for narcissistic supply, and can easily sense those from whom they can get it.  I know that I am one often targeted; it seems you are too.  We have to learn to keep our shields up, at least a bit at first, to guard against those who would drain us of our energy and harm us, to supply themselves of the energy they so crave.  Once they've established the relationship within the terms they can utilize, it is extremely difficult to uproot them and regain our power to retain balance and healthy joyousness. I grew up with one in the family, which took decades for me to finally overcome, with much difficulty and frustration.

Abbot Daido Loori, of the Zen Mountain Monastery in Mt. Tremper New York, said one night during a general assembly mondo (a question and answer session with the master, but this was for adepts and students alike) when he was asked the question: "What is the student's most vital action when beginning training on the spiritual path?"...answer: "You must first protect your mind."

[Goddess of the Mist 1,237]

4 hours ago, The Wistman said:

Goddess, I honestly think that narcissists are always looking for narcissistic supply, and can easily sense those from whom they can get it.  I know that I am one often targeted; it seems you are too.  We have to learn to keep our shields up, at least a bit at first, to guard against those who would drain us of our energy and harm us, to supply themselves of the energy they so crave.  Once they've established the relationship within the terms they can utilize, it is extremely difficult to uproot them and regain our power to retain balance and healthy joyousness. I grew up with one in the family, which took decades for me to finally overcome, with much difficulty and frustration.

Abbot Daido Loori, of the Zen Mountain Monastery in Mt. Tremper New York, said one night during a general assembly mondo (a question and answer session with the master, but this was for adepts and students alike) when he was asked the question: "What is the student's most vital action when beginning training on the spiritual path?"...answer: "You must first protect your mind."

Thank you for your thoughtful words, and I agree with you.  What's funny is that in one of my more traumatizing experiences with a narcissist, I sure did have my shield up.  This person was able to still break through it until I practically felt helpless.  I blame it on my mental state at the time, and maybe some unhealthy habits to boot.  I was also fairly young.  I think it takes some experience to build up to the point where you can recognize the negative and hurtful energy - and then know to avoid it and keep it out.  It can be very difficult to protect our minds, especially if we're going through an unstable time; but - it's definitely very important.  

[LightAngel 6,951]

On 2/7/2018 at 1:02 AM, Goddess of the Mist said:

 I think it takes some experience to build up to the point where you can recognize the negative and hurtful energy - and then know to avoid it and keep it out.  It can be very difficult to protect our minds, especially if we're going through an unstable time; but - it's definitely very important.  

 

True!

And I also think it's important to mention that emotional vampires are especially drawn to empaths. 

Just remember this, never try to reason with them because it won't work.

You deserve to feel good emotionally, never forget that 

[lightly 6,493]

I think I must be somewhat weird....   I seem to operate on the principal that anything worth doing is worth overdoing,..and that goes for relationships as well.   I've always tended to glom onto one "friend" at a time... I would sort of burn them out from my constant attention.  Then I would move on to the next person.   (Same thing with hobbies and activities)

i've beome so attached to a stranger on a days long bus trip that I would actually cry when we parted company! LightAngel mentions empaths... I've been described as one many times...Emotional vampire?   Maybe I'm both?   .. in  a way I guess I can tend to suck the life force out of people

Edited July 3, 2018 by lightly
Cuz

[Guest SpiritMediumDaniel]

There are people who are negative energies that are caught in a vicious circle. There are two separate realms that spirit  live within. An upper and lower. The lower is earth bound or planet bound The spirit who decide to not cross over for one reason or another live in the lower realm, along side of negative energies. The negative energies live there so they can connect with the (living/body) of a negative energy to suck their life force out of them.  Which in turn will usually turn that person into a negative energy throughout their life all the way until death of the body. When the body dies that energy uses it's free will to not cross over and remain earth bound continuing the cycle.

[LightAngel 6,951]

 

 

[ouija ouija 34,764]

Thanks for that, Light Angel.  It was good to be reminded that these 'vampires' are wounded souls. This doesn't mean you have to put up with their shenanigans, you have to take care of your own soul after all, but, if we can manage them in a civil manner that must be a good thing.

 

[Truthseeker007 2,882]

On ‎7‎/‎1‎/‎2018 at 9:39 AM, LightAngel said:

 

As part of growing up, we are taught to respect our elders and our family.

With that "respect of authority" also comes the feeling of guilt should we choose to even think of disrespecting it. Of course, it is not just some kind of "operant conditioning" going on here, it's about love and care for those closest to us. On the other hand - it is a form of conditioning, as it is an external value that we then internalize but it also natural as well as such internalization is in itself natural. 

However, though, I have seen too many times how such internalization can lead to some very bad outcomes and people tormented and torn apart by their feelings. And this is especially the case with family members in cases when they are, in the lack of better words, just not good for us.

This could be anything from someone who's just jealous to someone who's physically abusive and everything in between. 

At the end of day, our biological relatives (it could be also our caregivers, if people are adopted) - are just people. It's a matter of circumstance that we are close to them early in life and for a relatively long period of time and is not something ordained by some institution, be it morality, religion, society or whatever else. And as people - our relatives should go through the same scrutiny as any other person in our lives.  

We should feel free to express ourselves and be ourselves, with a sense of responsibility, with whomever. A person has no greater claim on our feelings based on blood and I think this is something we should always remember. 

Going back to my initial claim - the guilt and torment we may sometimes feel when we need to part ways with a family member, is a result of conditioning from early childhood, something we were taught to do and something we can unlearn should it be necessary. However, in most cases, I hope at least, this is not something we need to unlearn, as most families are functional to a satisfactory and productive extent, such as my family. 

I think I was very lucky with the parents I got 

However, there have also been conflicts in my family which resulted in me putting some distance between myself and some family members.

 

Edit: Thank you for a thoughtful post.

Very well said LightAngel!

My mom is very religious and she always thinks whatever she says is right. She can really suck the energy out of you when she goes on preaching about her Bible god. I have had to kick her out of my house once because she just wouldn't stop with her nonsense. She is stuck in her ways and sucks energy out of people with her preaching. I do feel bad for her because she don't seem to keep friends very long and is always getting new friends because the others have had enough.

[RabidMongoose 5,091]

On ‎29‎/‎06‎/‎2018 at 9:01 AM, LightAngel said:

I'm sure we all have known a person who was draining the life out of us?!

Here is a little help if you know a person like that right now:

The best advise I can give is to realise that 2% - 5% of the population are pure evil.

With most of them they are easy to spot because they`re outwardly vile. The best course of action with these is not to even bother with them. Avoid, cut-off, cease all contact and communication with forever. If at work wait for a few instances with witnesses and then simply complain about them to HR.

Sadly, some are high functioning. They hide behind fake masks and use them to manipulate others into thinking they are of good moral character. All while targeting four types of people for destruction:

People Person: If you are a good judge of character you might see through their fake mask and expose them. Therefore you are a threat that needs to be eliminated. In the workplace expect them to wait for opportunities to make complaints about you. They are trying to get you to quit or get you sacked. In work once you realise whats going on expose them to everyone and then go have a chat with HR. If outside of work get them out of your life and keep them out of it.

Perfect Person: Narcissists, and disorders containing narcissism such as sociopathy, mean the suffer cannot cope unless they are perfect. If you have an element of perfection about you (beauty, wealth, success, morality, high performer, some envied skill or quality, etc) you are perceived as someone that needs destroying.  They will try to erode your confidence, self-esteem, make you out to be a weirdo, make you out to be incompetent, sabotage you, isolate you, turn people against you. In work once you realise whats going on expose them and then go for a chat with HR. Outside of work get them out of your life and keep them out of it.

Victim Mentality: Sociopaths and psychopaths have problems with boredom. Its not the same boredom you know of and its torture to them. They will do anything to alleviate it and that means destroying people for drama and excitement. They like targeting people they perceive as having a victim mentality (they have something different about them) because its easier to press their buttons to get them to implode. Again expose, go to HR, get them out of your life.

The fourth target are those people who are combinations of the above.

They especially like it when their target is the kind of fool who only allows themselves to see the good in other people, or who thinks they can change them, or who blames themselves for their treatment. They also like it when their target is the kind of fool who they can suck back in with a few crocodile tears, gifts, and promises to change. All of these keep you going back for more abuse which never ever ends.... that is until you commit suicide.

[LightAngel 6,951]

On 4/7/2018 at 1:37 PM, Truthseeker007 said:

Very well said LightAngel!

My mom is very religious and she always thinks whatever she says is right. She can really suck the energy out of you when she goes on preaching about her Bible god. I have had to kick her out of my house once because she just wouldn't stop with her nonsense. She is stuck in her ways and sucks energy out of people with her preaching. I do feel bad for her because she don't seem to keep friends very long and is always getting new friends because the others have had enough.

 

I never had that kind of conflicts with my parents because they always let me, and my brothers believe in whatever we wanted to.

[LightAngel 6,951]

16 hours ago, RabidMongoose said:

With most of them they are easy to spot because they`re outwardly vile. 

 

As emotional vampires it would defeat their purpose to be outwardly vile as that would very quickly limit and diminish their supply of victims to feed on. 

I would say that psychopaths that are in the higher levels of impulsivity and lower levels of behavioral control - are indeed easy to spot, so there I agree with you, especially regarding boredom and coping with it.

I think that one thing that is important to mention is that people with some of the traits you mentioned, such as narcissism and psychopathy as well as Machiavellianism are, amazingly enough, fantastic at reading people. 

For example, a psychopathic mind is the kind of mind that has what is sometimes referred to as "cognitive empathy". They "cognitively" understand your feelings but are unable to "feel" your feelings. This means that they can very quickly have a snapshot of your mind without any emotional attachment to you, your thoughts or your feelings (something that would normally be known as "affective empathy"). When you get the feelings out of the way - things become easier.

In addition, maybe you've heard of the Dark Triad, a sinister combination of pathological traits that is sometimes used to evaluate how dangerous a person may be. In the Dark Triad, at least the version I've seen, the 3 traits that contribute to the overall evaluation are: Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy.

I would go as far as to say that we could perhaps combine all of the 3 into one group as they share so much amongst themselves and I'm not sure if they can entirely be separated into distinct disorders. I would say that within the Dark Triad there may be traits which are more prevalent than others, but I think that the existence of one of them coincides with the existence of others even if it in itself exists in a lesser degree. 

In terms of strategies of "spotting" these types of people, I would say they are usually a type of "trial and error" strategies. I would say that very few people are "psycho-snipers" from birth. I think it's much more like learning that fire burns when you're a kid.

We learn through recognizing patterns. Unfortunately, in this case, the patterns include some damage to ourselves, but then again - pain is a great teacher, or at least it should be.
 

Edited July 6, 2018 by LightAngel

[ouija ouija 34,764]

2 hours ago, LightAngel said:

 

We learn through recognizing patterns. Unfortunately, in this case, the patterns include some damage to ourselves, but then again - pain is a great teacher, or at least it should be.
 

This ^ ^

[RabidMongoose 5,091]

5 hours ago, LightAngel said:

 

As emotional vampires it would defeat their purpose to be outwardly vile as that would very quickly limit and diminish their supply of victims to feed on. 

I would say that psychopaths that are in the higher levels of impulsivity and lower levels of behavioral control - are indeed easy to spot, so there I agree with you, especially regarding boredom and coping with it.

I think that one thing that is important to mention is that people with some of the traits you mentioned, such as narcissism and psychopathy as well as Machiavellianism are, amazingly enough, fantastic at reading people. 

For example, a psychopathic mind is the kind of mind that has what is sometimes referred to as "cognitive empathy". They "cognitively" understand your feelings but are unable to "feel" your feelings. This means that they can very quickly have a snapshot of your mind without any emotional attachment to you, your thoughts or your feelings (something that would normally be known as "affective empathy"). When you get the feelings out of the way - things become easier.

In addition, maybe you've heard of the Dark Triad, a sinister combination of pathological traits that is sometimes used to evaluate how dangerous a person may be. In the Dark Triad, at least the version I've seen, the 3 traits that contribute to the overall evaluation are: Narcissism, Machiavellianism and Psychopathy.

I would go as far as to say that we could perhaps combine all of the 3 into one group as they share so much amongst themselves and I'm not sure if they can entirely be separated into distinct disorders. I would say that within the Dark Triad there may be traits which are more prevalent than others, but I think that the existence of one of them coincides with the existence of others even if it in itself exists in a lesser degree. 

In terms of strategies of "spotting" these types of people, I would say they are usually a type of "trial and error" strategies. I would say that very few people are "psycho-snipers" from birth. I think it's much more like learning that fire burns when you're a kid.

We learn through recognizing patterns. Unfortunately, in this case, the patterns include some damage to ourselves, but then again - pain is a great teacher, or at least it should be.
 

Its not that they are amazingly good at reading people. Its that they spend so much time looking for targets that they can quickly tell if you will do. Someone who is perfect, different from most others, and who only sees the good in people, is a prime target. They dont go after weak people either (contrary to how bullies are portrayed) but go after the strong and gifted.

To avoid taking a job where ASPDs (sociopaths and psychopaths) work just ask in the job interview if the staff go on their lunches together and socialise after work. People avoid sociopaths and psychopaths because they are vile. They have no friends because people cannot stand to be around them. 

Sociopaths want drama and excitement to alleviate their boredom and get it by destroying prime targets. They also have to be perfect so engage in a range of tactics to reduce everyone down below their level. The psychopath is similar but doesnt have to be perfect.

A good way to spot one is to ask them a moral dilemma question. If they will not answer it and are evasive they know you are trying to see if they give normal responses. If they do give a response you will notice it is odd or seems a bit off.

[LightAngel 6,951]

9 hours ago, RabidMongoose said:

Its not that they are amazingly good at reading people. Its that they spend so much time looking for targets that they can quickly tell if you will do. Someone who is perfect, different from most others, and who only sees the good in people, is a prime target. They dont go after weak people either (contrary to how bullies are portrayed) but go after the strong and gifted.

To avoid taking a job where ASPDs (sociopaths and psychopaths) work just ask in the job interview if the staff go on their lunches together and socialise after work. People avoid sociopaths and psychopaths because they are vile. They have no friends because people cannot stand to be around them. 

Sociopaths want drama and excitement to alleviate their boredom and get it by destroying prime targets. They also have to be perfect so engage in a range of tactics to reduce everyone down below their level. The psychopath is similar but doesnt have to be perfect.

A good way to spot one is to ask them a moral dilemma question. If they will not answer it and are evasive they know you are trying to see if they give normal responses. If they do give a response you will notice it is odd or seems a bit off.

 

I think it would be useful for further discussion to refer to all of these disorders (narcissism, anti-social personality disorder as well as borderline) as zero-empathy disorders, so I don't need to spell them out every time.

I don't think that they all spend a lot of time looking for targets. Some may be more calculating, some less. Just imagine if you take out that emotional burden of a social interaction, the affective response, a zero-empathy individual will find it much easier to just observe the situation from a strategic and cool standpoint. How calculating zeros are - depends on how much patience they have before they need their "reward" - this is really the only difference. And their tactics also vary - for example, when speaking of predators - compare the hunting tactics of a lion, a leopard and a cheetah - same goal but very different strategies - power vs. stealth vs. speed, respectively.

And yes, the strong and the gifted are for certain more appealing targets for them, however, only if they have a weak point, and zeros usually have a knack for figuring out what those are. They know how to push people's buttons. It just so happens that most "normal" people, no matter how strong and/or gifted they are - have a weak point.

I disagree that asking about staff lunches is a good strategy for zeros. I think that we should differentiate between people who are just obnoxious and zeros. The first group are usually people with very low self-esteem and overcompensating overinflated ego they use to cover up their ever eroding self-confidence. The latter are people who are emotionally flat and have predatorial nature. 

This leads me to my second point - and that's the moral dilemma question. I would say that zeros are very good at knowing exactly what the "right answers" to moral dilemmas are - because they know that those are exactly the kinds of things that could blow their cover. This is exactly where they are very well prepared.

Overall, I am not trying to paint a picture here of ASPDs as some elusive demons that we cannot tackle. But I would say that a lot of research on ASPDs, most of it in fact, has been done on convicts and the prison population. And I say that - the worst psychopath, the most dangerous one, is the one that doesn't get caught and those are the ones that you will most likely meet in real life.

Don't look at the crazy guys - look at those who surround themselves by people, always say the right things, are generally well liked - that is the mask of a psychopath - using people and circumstances as a lion uses the tall grass.  

 

 

[Sherapy 24,225]

1 hour ago, LightAngel said:

 

I think it would be useful for further discussion to refer to all of these disorders (narcissism, anti-social personality disorder as well as borderline) as zero-empathy disorders, so I don't need to spell them out every time.

I don't think that they all spend a lot of time looking for targets. Some may be more calculating, some less. Just imagine if you take out that emotional burden of a social interaction, the affective response, a zero-empathy individual will find it much easier to just observe the situation from a strategic and cool standpoint. How calculating zeros are - depends on how much patience they have before they need their "reward" - this is really the only difference. And their tactics also vary - for example, when speaking of predators - compare the hunting tactics of a lion, a leopard and a cheetah - same goal but very different strategies - power vs. stealth vs. speed, respectively.

And yes, the strong and the gifted are for certain more appealing targets for them, however, only if they have a weak point, and zeros usually have a knack for figuring out what those are. They know how to push people's buttons. It just so happens that most "normal" people, no matter how strong and/or gifted they are - have a weak point.

I disagree that asking about staff lunches is a good strategy for zeros. I think that we should differentiate between people who are just obnoxious and zeros. The first group are usually people with very low self-esteem and overcompensating overinflated ego they use to cover up their ever eroding self-confidence. The latter are people who are emotionally flat and have predatorial nature. 

This leads me to my second point - and that's the moral dilemma question. I would say that zeros are very good at knowing exactly what the "right answers" to moral dilemmas are - because they know that those are exactly the kinds of things that could blow their cover. This is exactly where they are very well prepared.

Overall, I am not trying to paint a picture here of ASPDs as some elusive demons that we cannot tackle. But I would say that a lot of research on ASPDs, most of it in fact, has been done on convicts and the prison population. And I say that - the worst psychopath, the most dangerous one, is the one that doesn't get caught and those are the ones that you will most likely meet in real life.

Don't look at the crazy guys - look at those who surround themselves by people, always say the right things, are generally well liked - that is the mask of a psychopath - using people and circumstances as a lion uses the tall grass.  

 

 

Indeed, the psychopath will be well respected, do volunteer work, and do some great act of kindness that instantly disarms your distrust system and be someone you know, someone you would never expect. 

[LightAngel 6,951]

4 hours ago, Sherapy said:

Indeed, the psychopath will be well respected, do volunteer work, and do some great act of kindness that instantly disarms your distrust system and be someone you know, someone you would never expect. 

 

That is the scariest part!