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Matt221

Random joke

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Matt221

I was in a restaurant the other day and I asked the waiter “What are the specials?” He said, “An influential 2 Tone ska band from Coventry.” 

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StarMountainKid

From a W.C. Fields movie. "is this hash on the menu?" Waitress looks and wipes the menu with her apron, "No, it's roast beef gravy."

 

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Dejarma

my all time favourite joke:

Patient>: doctor it hurts when i do this...

Doctor>: well don't do it then!...

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Mark One

Two vampire bats hanging from a tree.

Bat1:"Core blimey, look at all of that blood around your mouth mate."

Bat2:"Yeh-a-know, wicked isnt it."

Bat1:"Tell me where you got all of that claret."

Bat2:"Well, you see that tree over there..."

Bat1:"Yes..."

Bat2:"Well I didnt..."

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StarMountainKid

Messenger: "Caesar, the barbarians are about to attack!"

Caesar: "How many of them are there?"

Messenger: Um, MCLVI, no, um MVCVII, no, MCMVXVII, no, err MMCMVXIII, no it's MCXCVII, no..." etc.

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Mark One

Paddy and Mick replace a faulty lightbulb. 

Paddy turns off the electricity at the mains.  Mick swaps the lightbulb and flicks the switch.  The new lightbulb is tossed into the bin, mains is switched back on.

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MWoo7

eeeeh yeah I'm copping out with these... I've just nothing BOO!, the chance probabilities of my pulling a serendipitous funny bunny out of a hat right now is pretty much nil NULL!  dilbert-3.gif

1500x500.jpg

 

 

tumblr_kxdunr0it71qala8so1_1280.jpgb6971ba80a3fc835cd79b9d81b72b424.jpg

Edited by MWoo7

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Likely Guy

(Scene is the Oval Office during a morning security briefing.)

Security Official: "...and in other news Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed during a riot last night."

The President: "OH MY GOD! That's very very horrible! Call in the Joint Chiefs of Staff ASAP!"

Security Official: "With all due respect sir, I think you're over reacting a little."

The President: *pauses* "Tell me again... how many is a Brazilian?"

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MWoo7

Ran across this just sharing ....

POTUS (ginger guy ... ? oh the trumpet) making comment on California Fires and why Finnish people take care of their forests by Raking it.  THATS RIGHT, by raking the leaves, now read the following, warning you had better not have heart trouble or be on heart medication, warning FUNNY AS HELL ! UPDATE:: Comments will kill you... #25 raking quota for her day WHEW ! and then the comment, now scroll back up, I'm now heading to emergency I think I broke a laughing muscle.

https://www.boredpanda.com/finns-troll-trump-raking-leaves-wildfire-prevention/

I quit at #30

think I broke a blood vessel

laterzzzzzzzzzz

Edited by MWoo7
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Robotic Jew

My life

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MWoo7

A KIDS/KIDDOS! JOKE:
The [edit] special kids club church kid was in to get his/her flu shot and the young kid , make that THE! practicing practition he-man nurse mentioned that he/she~she/he was new and that this was their first day and he/she~she/he hoped the nervousness didn't show too bad!

*OH! there's no spoiler scripty toy insert in here , and there never will be tards I mean BOO!*

Well --- now you can HIGHLIGHT ! with your mouse the punch line ! down below  . . .

      SO! the Preachy   Special Kids Club kid told the other kid

GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT KIDDO!

Edited by MWoo7

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MWoo7

Thought it unique

 

A big kitty ....

.,.,., 2t4s49.gif  . . . . . well it wasn't the dog.

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MWoo7
Posted (edited)

KremC16:59.Tuesday.12.mar2019.CIA/NSA comm. intel: A man stops in at Lubyanka (KGB Fortress) ..... start of a dumb Russian joke of Putins.  Noted: Smelly city of Lube!yanka

 

full of wwaaankers and yankers obviously.

Edited by MWoo7

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MainerMikeBrown

I was at an auto racing event that was near a country road.  I asked a friend of mine, "Where does this road eventually go?"

His response, "It doesn't go anywhere.  It stays right there."

I walked right into that one!

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Myles

Q: Is Google male or female? 
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

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