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Prepare to groan


Stiff
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There's a nudist convention on in town this weekend.
I might go if I've got nothing on.

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Interviewer "describe yourself in three words".
Me "lazy"

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Woke up yesterday morning at 6am with a wicked hang over, listening to the neighbour mowing his bloody lawn. First reaction was to get up and throttle the b*****, then I thought...
Sod it, he'll just have to mow around me.

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I went to the doctors today as I think I'm addicted to crosswords. The doctor just told me not to get two down.

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Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.

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Dyslexic zombies love to eat Brians.

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About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.

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There are two rules for success: 
1) Don't tell all you know.

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BeneficialDopeyKrill-size_restricted.gif

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I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid.
It was terrible. I didn't know how to react.

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Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."

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When we were kids, my sister always said she'd go down in history.

On reflection, that's probably why she got such good marks.

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We call our grandad 'Spiderman'. Not because he's got superhuman powers but because he can't get out of the bath.

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I was bloody angry when I neighbours put a fence round their swimming pool....in the end I got over it

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Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. 
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

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I steadfastly refused to believe that I was both dyslexic AND gay.

I was in Daniel.

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Insomnia is such a terrible thing to live with.

On the plus side, only 3 more sleeps until Christmas.

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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

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There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes

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If I got 50p for every maths test I've failed I'd have about £9.20 by now.

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I went to the doctors the other day with a golf ball stuck up my ****. I said "can you get it out?"
He said "I don't know, its up a fairway".

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About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast

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