Stiff Posted July 15, 2018 #1 Share Posted July 15, 2018 There's a nudist convention on in town this weekend. I might go if I've got nothing on. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 15, 2018 Author #2 Share Posted July 15, 2018 Interviewer "describe yourself in three words". Me "lazy" 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 15, 2018 Author #3 Share Posted July 15, 2018 Woke up yesterday morning at 6am with a wicked hang over, listening to the neighbour mowing his bloody lawn. First reaction was to get up and throttle the b*****, then I thought... Sod it, he'll just have to mow around me. 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 15, 2018 Author #4 Share Posted July 15, 2018 I went to the doctors today as I think I'm addicted to crosswords. The doctor just told me not to get two down. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 15, 2018 Author #5 Share Posted July 15, 2018 Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 15, 2018 Author #6 Share Posted July 15, 2018 Dyslexic zombies love to eat Brians. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 15, 2018 Author #7 Share Posted July 15, 2018 About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 15, 2018 Author #8 Share Posted July 15, 2018 There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XenoFish Posted July 15, 2018 #9 Share Posted July 15, 2018 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Caspian Hare Posted July 16, 2018 #10 Share Posted July 16, 2018 Terrible! Awful! Atrocious! 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Meeseeks Posted July 16, 2018 #11 Share Posted July 16, 2018 My life in a meme 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 16, 2018 Author #12 Share Posted July 16, 2018 I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid. It was terrible. I didn't know how to react. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 16, 2018 Author #13 Share Posted July 16, 2018 Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?" Billy says, "In the car." Paddy says, "That's the quickest way." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 16, 2018 Author #14 Share Posted July 16, 2018 When we were kids, my sister always said she'd go down in history. On reflection, that's probably why she got such good marks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 16, 2018 Author #15 Share Posted July 16, 2018 We call our grandad 'Spiderman'. Not because he's got superhuman powers but because he can't get out of the bath. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt221 Posted July 16, 2018 #16 Share Posted July 16, 2018 That awkward moment between your wedding and your divorce. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt221 Posted July 16, 2018 #17 Share Posted July 16, 2018 I was bloody angry when I neighbours put a fence round their swimming pool....in the end I got over it 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 17, 2018 Author #18 Share Posted July 17, 2018 Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 17, 2018 Author #19 Share Posted July 17, 2018 I steadfastly refused to believe that I was both dyslexic AND gay. I was in Daniel. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 17, 2018 Author #20 Share Posted July 17, 2018 Insomnia is such a terrible thing to live with. On the plus side, only 3 more sleeps until Christmas. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt221 Posted July 17, 2018 #21 Share Posted July 17, 2018 It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt221 Posted July 17, 2018 #22 Share Posted July 17, 2018 There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 17, 2018 Author #23 Share Posted July 17, 2018 If I got 50p for every maths test I've failed I'd have about £9.20 by now. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stiff Posted July 17, 2018 Author #24 Share Posted July 17, 2018 I went to the doctors the other day with a golf ball stuck up my ****. I said "can you get it out?" He said "I don't know, its up a fairway". 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt221 Posted July 18, 2018 #25 Share Posted July 18, 2018 About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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