Jump to content
Join the Unexplained Mysteries community today! It's free and setting up an account only takes a moment.
- Sign In or Create Account -
Stiff

Prepare to groan

70 posts in this topic

Recommended Posts

Stiff

There's a nudist convention on in town this weekend.
I might go if I've got nothing on.

  • Haha 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

Interviewer "describe yourself in three words".
Me "lazy"

  • Like 1
  • Haha 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

Woke up yesterday morning at 6am with a wicked hang over, listening to the neighbour mowing his bloody lawn. First reaction was to get up and throttle the b*****, then I thought...
Sod it, he'll just have to mow around me.

  • Haha 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

I went to the doctors today as I think I'm addicted to crosswords. The doctor just told me not to get two down.

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.

  • Like 2
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

Dyslexic zombies love to eat Brians.

  • Haha 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

There are two rules for success: 
1) Don't tell all you know.

  • Like 1
  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
XenoFish

BeneficialDopeyKrill-size_restricted.gif

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The Caspian Hare

Terrible! Awful! Atrocious! :P

 

giphy.gif

  • Like 1
  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Browng0at

My life in a meme

 

 

image.jpeg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid.
It was terrible. I didn't know how to react.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

When we were kids, my sister always said she'd go down in history.

On reflection, that's probably why she got such good marks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

We call our grandad 'Spiderman'. Not because he's got superhuman powers but because he can't get out of the bath.

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Matt221

That awkward moment between your wedding and your divorce. 

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Matt221

I was bloody angry when I neighbours put a fence round their swimming pool....in the end I got over it

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. 
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

I steadfastly refused to believe that I was both dyslexic AND gay.

I was in Daniel.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

Insomnia is such a terrible thing to live with.

On the plus side, only 3 more sleeps until Christmas.

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Matt221

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Matt221

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

If I got 50p for every maths test I've failed I'd have about £9.20 by now.

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stiff

I went to the doctors the other day with a golf ball stuck up my ****. I said "can you get it out?"
He said "I don't know, its up a fairway".

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Matt221

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.