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Prepare to groan


Stiff

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I had a delivery of bubble wrap the other day. I said to the driver, "Just pop it in the garage".

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A man is walking through the forest and finds a suitcase with a fox and four cubs in it.
He rings the RSPCA to tell them.
"Oh dear, that's terrible" says the woman on the other end of the line. "Are they moving?"
"I don't know" replies the man "But if they are it would explain the suitcase".

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At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.

So he gave me a cushion to sit on.

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Jokes about White Sugar are rare. Jokes about Brown Sugar, Demerara.

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"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy?"I  hear you asl

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just watched a documentary about how ships are put together.

It was riveting.

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David Hasselhoff refers to himself as “the Hoff”

Must be less hassel.

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Use of the word 'Beefstew' as a password is not a good idea.

It's not Stroganoff.

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

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I have just accidentally knocked a lady over in Domino's Pizza.

Well, I say one...

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My Optician just informed me that I'm colour blind.


Well, that certainly came out of the orange.

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"Mummy, where do babies come from?"
"Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies."

"Do mummies eat it?"

"Only if they want new shoes"

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Just bought a dictionary today and just got it home to find out the pages are all blank...

....I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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Sad news about the New Musical Express stopping print production.
I used to keep mine in a pile near my bed, with American sitcom DVDs. 
Kept my Friends close - but my NMEs closer.

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Premature ejaculator seeks blonde with massive ti....

Never mind.

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Got pulled up by the police last night and ordered to get out of my car.
"You're staggering." Said the officer.
"You're not bad looking yourself." I replied.

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My mate has just told me that his parents have gone on a 'Sex tourism' holiday to India.

"Mumbai?" I asked.

"Yes" he replied, "And I think my Dad is too..."

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Just had a call from my doctor said he has a cure for my dyslexia..

That's music to my ****.

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I've just started to read a horror novel in Braille, something bad is about to happen....
I can feel it.

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  • 1 month later...

Someone asked me why I wanted 5 litres of Tippex

Big mistake....

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People are often shocked when they find out I'm not good with electrics.

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  • 3 weeks later...

***** == ***** == ***** == ***** == ***** == ***** == ***** == ***** ==

 

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow mwoo!

 

 

sideeye.jpg

***** == ***** == ***** == ***** == ***** == ***** == ***** == ***** == ***** ==

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