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Akhu999

Sexual Purity: Can it Be Reclaimed?

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Akhu999
I don't usually like being this transparent, but it's really the only way I can express this.

I was raised very conservatively and out of the several kids my parents had, though not the youngest, I was considered the goodie-two-shoes. And I really did feel like "the good one" most of the time. I even remember the first time I cursed, as a kid, and how grimey I felt afterward. But we know that life gets a lot more complex as we get older, so it's hard for me to pin-point exactly where things started to change, but at some point, I stopped feeling like I was good. But it's strange because although I knew I was a favored child, I also felt like the ugly duckling, for the most part, but maybe that was what kept me humble...to a degree.

I kind of envied one of my brothers who was such a rebel but so confident and got a lot of attention. I was more shy and introverted. So, when I would do something I knew or felt was wrong, I would sit in the guilt instead of reconciling it. So, I had this growing shame inside, but didn't have much of an outlet for it. I guess shame and guilt has a revolving door, because it seemed that nothing I did or didn't do could shake this inner feeling of being defective or damaged, and so, sometimes I tried to overcompensate with hyper-righteousness, if that's a word...so, you could say I was living a double life and, sometimes, I came across as snobbish, arrogant, and unlikable. It did help me in one sense because there were certain things I just wouldn't do because I felt I was above it. But I was very lonely.

One thing I was, however, was a hopeless romantic, and as a teenager going into adulthood, I used to fantasize, often, about finding that ideal love. I would get the butterflies, the jitters, and the fluttering warm feelings just thinking about it. I always envisioned having an old fashioned relationship with that love that people had read about in stories. Yet, I stayed single, probably because I had very low self worth which pervaded every area of my life. Because I was a perfectionist but failed academically, I gradually spiraled more and more into self doubt and self sabotage, to the point where I was a 35 y/o man still living at home with my mother, with no driver's license, automobile, or assets.

I finally did move out, earlier this year, because I just happened to get lucky enough to find a family who would rent out their shed for an affordable enough price. On one hand, my moving out was a victory in independence, a day I never really thought would happen, but on the other hand, I'm finally left with myself and have been experienced a rapid decline of the morals, self respect, dignity, and innocence/purity that I had left by being even more promoscuous than I've been in the past, almost trying to make up for lost times. Although I enjoy these experiences (the reason why I have them), in the moment, I'm fully aware of what I'm losing with each encounter...myself. I didn't realize that I had a true identity until this time of living on my own, and I also didn't fully realize how much of my identity that I had lost over the years. But, at this point, it's been turned up; it's like my self deprecation and self destruction is on auto-pilot, and I want to stop it but can't, as I feel like my overall value has dimished to such a degree. There's such a feeling of hopelessness that I have, and I really feel like an empty shell of a person...a zombie.

I used to dread going home, often times, when I lived back at home, I felt like I wasn't doing anything with my life or growing as a man, or that I even had control over my own life, which was embarrassing and depressing. I thought that would stop once I was living in my own space, but it didn't. Now, I dread going back to my own place almost every day. But I know there's no one to blame for it because I know that this is because of my own choices.

I finally met this man who I consider "Prince Charming". But every relationship I've ALMOST had ended before I got a chance to experience a deep intimacy with the person. As soon as it got serious, the person would alwaysturn on me or ghost on me, leaving me to feel deep betrayal and abandonment. Every time this happened, I felt a tremendous loss of a part of myself, probably because I was so open with these individuals. I always put my heart and soul into it because I went into it thinking long-term, and when they left, I was in shock like the carpet was snatched from under me. But I've always imagined that the person saw something wrong with me and was turned off. This gave me a deep sense of embarrassment/shame. Each time this happened, I promised never to open myself up to another person again, but of course I would always end up falling in love again. But the thing is, now, there isn't really much of anything left of me to open up. I find it very hard, if not impossible, to even feel love.

That's why this new man causes me a lot of anxiety and torment, because he's perfect, to me, and although it hasn't gone into the relationship stage, that's what I want with him, but I'm conflicted because it seems that although I've finally learned my lesson about opening up too soon, I feel like damaged goods and don't see how I could ever be good enough for this man, no matter what I do. I haven't gone into the details of this connection but it has all the makings of everything I used to dream about, but now, I'm not ready for it and don't know if I'll ever be ready. I'm crazy about the guy but I'm afraid of not being able to truly love him or that even if I did, he wouldn't be able to love me because I don't have anything to offer. How can he love me if I don't love myself and how can I ever love myself again? So, It's like I'm standing on the outside of my own life only as a spectator looking in and missing out on what I could've had had I not been reckless with my sexuality and my heart.

So, my question is, with what you've just read about my situation, do you think it's possible for me to get back to where I was and ever be worthy of a committed, long-term, loving, romantic relationship? Do some people go too far where they can never get back to themselves?

For a person who's done so much wrong and has so much guilt, can real innocence ever be recaptured?
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ouija ouija

Hi, Akhu999. Can real innocence be recaptured? Probably not, but I think it's possible to go into a new relationship feeling something very close. A lot depends on whether or not you have completely let go of what has gone before. It won't work if you are constantly bringing to mind(or, god forbid, talking to the new man about), past events and wallowing in guilt.

'Being worthy' doesn't really come into the equation IMO. Anybody and everybody can have a 'committed, long-term, loving , romantic relationship' because it's what you put into it now that matters. Perhaps you will learn to love yourself again through his good treatment of you.

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DebDandelion
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Akhu999 said:
*snip*

Hello. Ur writing struck a cord.

Out of experience I can tell you that the fairy tale love we dream off is not the love that we find in life.

You are worried that you might not want what you have at the moment. My dear, that decision one can only make once we have experienced it.

Relationships will change us, it is our job to ensure that it is for the better, if not, we have to get out .

Do not measure your self worth based on past experiences. So u lived with your.mom...so what? U are not doing it now...you have.moved out.

Focus on what you want to do, things that will improve your situation and stop focussing on the past. That is past, you can literally not change it. You can however focus on the present and your future.

U cannot regain purity, but your choices you made are choices you can learn from. You past shapes your perception so that you can do better in future.

Good luck

Edited by Daughter of the Nine Moons
Removed redundant quote
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Kittens Are Jerks
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Akhu999 said:

So, my question is, with what you've just read about my situation, do you think it's possible for me to get back to where I was and ever be worthy of a committed, long-term, loving, romantic relationship? Do some people go too far where they can never get back to themselves?

For a person who's done so much wrong and has so much guilt, can real innocence ever be recaptured?

I'm confused. What have you done that's so wrong?

Dust yourself off, go out and find a pedestal, and put yourself on it. There really is no good reason for you to feel the way you do. You should never ever feel unworthy, ashamed, or even guilty for having sexual relationships. Don't succumb to that vile double standard that has a way of making women feel like dirt for doing something that is perfectly natural.

Instead of trying to convince yourself you're worthy of this new man, focus instead on whether he's worthy of you.

Edited by Kittens Are Jerks
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Akhu999
On 8/12/2018 at 8:54 AM, Kittens Are Jerks said:

I'm confused. What have you done that's so wrong?

Dust yourself off, go out and find a pedestal, and put yourself on it. There really is no good reason for you to feel the way you do. You should never ever feel unworthy, ashamed, or even guilty for having sexual relationships. Don't succumb to that vile double standard that has a way of making women feel like dirt for doing something that is perfectly natural.

Instead of trying to convince yourself you're worthy of this new man, focus instead on whether he's worthy of you.

I'm a male who's gay. I've fir long tried to find peace with my orientation. Not sure if I've fully come to terms with it 100%, but it's more the way I've acted on it to the point of being desensitized that concerns me.

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Kittens Are Jerks
1 minute ago, Akhu999 said:

I'm a male who's gay. I've fir long tried to find peace with my orientation.

What's there to come to terms with? You are who you are. I realise it's easier said than done, but you really must try to embrace your sexuality, rather than beat yourself up for it. And so what if you were promiscuous? I'll never understand why society stigmatises such behaviour. There is nothing wrong with it. It does not taint you as a person, nor does it in any way make you damaged goods. And most of what I wrote earlier still stands. Find that pedestal!

 

11 minutes ago, Akhu999 said:

Not sure if I've fully come to terms with it 100%, but it's more the way I've acted on it to the point of being desensitized that concerns me.

What do you mean by becoming desensitised? Desensitised how (or to what)?

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GlitterRose

It sounds like you always wanted a lasting relationship, and other people walked out on you. 

You seem intelligent and capable.

If you're worried you have nothing to offer this person...change that. 

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Not A Rockstar
On ‎8‎/‎12‎/‎2018 at 5:26 AM, Akhu999 said:
 How can he love me if I don't love myself and how can I ever love myself again? So, It's like I'm standing on the outside of my own life only as a spectator looking in and missing out on what I could've had had I not been reckless with my sexuality and my heart.

So, my question is, with what you've just read about my situation, do you think it's possible for me to get back to where I was and ever be worthy of a committed, long-term, loving, romantic relationship? Do some people go too far where they can never get back to themselves?

For a person who's done so much wrong and has so much guilt, can real innocence ever be recaptured?

You ask some serious questions here and there is not a fast fix for the issue but there are clear ways for you to go to gain what you seem to be asking for.

To begin with, gay or straight, we need to decide what WE consider to be right behavior and stick to that as our morals. If YOU feel you have been too promiscuous in your youth and it upsets you then decide that as a more mature man now, that needs to stop. Deal with yourself honestly, but not with hate. Today you know things and have insights you did not have earlier. We all get a bit wiser as we go along as to what works for us. If it was your son, for example, saying this to you, you would no way see him as a done deal and fail. You would be advising him to change, learn from his past and move on with his head up. I suggest the same to you.

The relationship is not the sexual aspect of it alone. As a realist, maybe your sexuality is jaded, but, your caring about this man as a person of value to you is not, given trust and chance for that to prove out - or not. Your heart is hurt, but not jaded. You can find your rapport and warmth in this arena and let the sex be what it is. Everything has a price on it, but you as a person are a never ending project of growth and potential and part of being really magnificent someday is facing your shadows head on and dealing with them honestly and sometimes grabbing yourself by the scruff and saying "knock off the stoopid, you do not want this, you know you don't, so be your own best friend and just knock it off now."

You will thank yourself for it if you do determine your own morals and values and start holding yourself to that on a new day and view your past as your wild years where you learned better, same as we all do to different extremes.

The guilt? That takes time and weeding out what others believe and hanging on to what you do instead. A therapist might even be a help to chat with a time or two.

JMO. I hope it helps some. 

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Akhu999
On 8/13/2018 at 3:38 PM, Kittens Are Jerks said:

What's there to come to terms with? You are who you are. I realise it's easier said than done, but you really must try to embrace your sexuality, rather than beat yourself up for it. And so what if you were promiscuous? I'll never understand why society stigmatises such behaviour. There is nothing wrong with it. It does not taint you as a person, nor does it in any way make you damaged goods. And most of what I wrote earlier still stands. Find that pedestal!

 

What do you mean by becoming desensitised? Desensitised how (or to what)?

I guess it's hard to explain unless someone has experienced it him/herself but when you're, say, a virgin or even someone who has only had meaningful sexual encounters, there is a physical, mental, and emotional (or spiritual) sensitivity that comes along with it, as well as a strong sense of self esteem, dignity, respect, and character. I know because I once had a good degree of it, and can tell that I've lost a lot of it. 

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Kittens Are Jerks
7 hours ago, Akhu999 said:

I guess it's hard to explain unless someone has experienced it him/herself but when you're, say, a virgin or even someone who has only had meaningful sexual encounters, there is a physical, mental, and emotional (or spiritual) sensitivity that comes along with it, as well as a strong sense of self esteem, dignity, respect, and character. I know because I once had a good degree of it, and can tell that I've lost a lot of it. 

Casual sex isn't always empty. Sometimes it can be quite intimate and meaningful. And sometimes it can be better than what you have in a longer term relationship. And even if it isn't all that, it doesn't mean that it isn't beneficial in some way. If you are able to take it for what it is, what's wrong with enjoying the experience even if you're not going to call the person the next day?  Where is the loss of dignity, self-esteem or self-respect in that? 

How fast and free you've been with your sexual encounters in the past should not, and does not, define you as a person. As for getting involved with the wrong people, such as those who leave you feeling more used than cared for, it must suck, but at the same time, their behaviour does not define you either.

You won't always find everything you're looking for in a relationship, sexual or otherwise, but once you meet the right person, you can have the physical, mental and emotionall highs that come with it. Don't debase yourself over what's happened in the past; and don't let it affect your sense of self-worth. There's no reason for it. 

I hope you find that one relationship that has it all for you, and when you do, I also hope that you find it within yourself to truly believe that you deserve it.

 

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Kittens Are Jerks

Oh and one more thing. You asked at the outset whether sexual purity can ever be regained. Now that I have a better sense of where you're at, my answer is a conditional yes. Okay so I'm no psych expert or anything, but I believe that every relationship is fresh and pure at the beginning. You don't have to be a virgin, or even a saint for that matter, to experience that purity. However, and this is where the 'conditional' part comes in, it all depends on your head space.

If you enter that relationship feeling unworthy of it in any way, then no, it won't feel the way you want it to because you have already predetermined how it's going to feel. Put the past behind you. Have a warm (symbolic) shower and cleanse yourself of all that baggage and start fresh.

 

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