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Desertrat56

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Desertrat56

In the 70's my uncle was a salesman and doing well.  One day he had to go to the airport to pick up the district manager, who was from a big city.  Albuquerque still isn't a big city.  As my uncle got on the freeway after picking his boss up a green van passed them with a woman driving and 5 kids in the seats and a mule in the back looking out the window.  The district manager was so surprised, he exclaimed "did you see that?  that woman had a donkey in her van."  My uncle was too embarrassed to tell his boss that it was a mule and the woman was his sister-in-law.  

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Not Your Huckleberry

My great uncle and great aunt owned a farm. For several years in a row, terrible droughts had killed nearly all their crops and they were forced to have their property sold at auction. This is before the government really started to heavily subsidize certain crops. 

When the farm was sold, some other family members were driving and noticed my great uncle was walking on the side of the road with a couch on his back, drunk as a skunk. They stopped and asked what the hell he was doing, he replied, "We might not have a house, but goddammit, we got furniture!" 

For what it's worth, they recovered their losses quickly and sustained themselves better than they could have ever imagined despite what happened. In fact, my great aunt just passed away a couple years ago at the tender young age of 96.

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the13bats

okay bored and want to procrastinate on chores heres a great divergent.

about 25 years ago back in orlando i had a cat who insisted on living outside he would hang with me when i putzed with vehicle projects, he was a big manx tabby always sticking his nose in other cats business so a bit scared up.

one afternoon i was sitting on the ground a bit unmotivated ADD i saw a couple old raccoon tails i had hanging in the garage the kind old hot rodders hung on their antennas and wondered what would fatcat look like with a tail, so i held it to his rump and got the idea ill attach it, a couple drops of crazy glue and it stuck to his fur where his tail would be, he was a well grounded mellow cat but took off about half way across the neighbors yard then back,

he did this a few times like he didnt know if he liked the tail or not just as an enderly couple was walking their dog who took notice albeit not too deeply of fatcat, about then as he was coming right past them and the the tail fell off,

the lady freaked out yelling at her husband about that poor cats tail fell off, it needs a vet right now, i was kind of out of site didnt let them see me, im not sure but i believe the husband knew what was going on i just let them get past as she kept on about that poor cat.

 

 

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Desertrat56

When my cousin and I were about 12 he started reading about seances and decided it was a good way to scare his sisters.  He included me because I was a girl but he knew I wouldn't be scared but it would be fun to try.  He and his friend, Martin,  set up a table with some tricks to make us jump and scream, then turned the lights off and called us in to sit at the table.  He chanted "Adolf Hitler come to us." over and over and his voice was monotone and hypnotic.  It was a round table and Martin was sitting between me and my other cousin.  At one point he started kicking my leg and I just kicked back. He was trying to kick  Martin's leg to get him to unleash the plan but he was not responding.  Suddenly there was a loud bang as Martin's head hit the table.  He had fallen asleep.  My other cousin jumped up and turned on the light and we could see that they had rigged wet dish towels above the table and Martin was supposed to loosen the twine so they would swing down and hit me and my other cousin in the face. 

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Desertrat56

My junior high algebra teacher had a friend who collected snakes.  He used to stop on the highway and pick them up and put them in the back floor board.  One day he picked up a rattle snake and put it in the back floorboard, then a few miles later picked up a hitch hiker.  The hitch hiker was just looking in the back seat and saw the snake.  He said nervously, "did you know there is a rattle snake in the back seat?"  The guy said "Yes, I put him back there so he wouldn't fight with the one up front."  The hitch hiker put his feet on the seat and screamed "Stop the car and let me out!"  The guy stopped and let him out, laughing.

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Desertrat56
Posted (edited)

My cousin lives in Chile part of the year and in Albuquerque part of the year.  There is a famous opera singer who retired to Chile years ago.  He had a pond and a beautiful garden, but had a battle with the weeds.  (I think it had to do with introducing plants from another environment)  Someone told him there is a european duck that is good for getting rid of weeds so he took a trip to europe and found a batch of baby ducks.  He had to smuggle them in because Chile does not allow animals to be transported in to their country.  The opera singer was famous for wearing big fur coats so he had pockets sewn in to the inside of his coat and put the baby ducks in the pockets.  The flight was about 20 hours so he found a vet that anesthetized the ducks to sleep about 24 hours.  At one point of the journey the flight was delayed so by the time he was in line for customs the ducks started waking up.  To cover the noise of the ducks he burst into song and sang his way through the customs check.  I don't know the name of the opera singer as I don't follow opera.

Edited by Desertrat56

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Desertrat56

In the 70's when I was stationed in Germany I got to do a prisoner transport (free ride home for a visit).  We flew in a C150 cargo plane.  The seats were on a platform hanging from chains over the cargo in the middle top of the plane.  There were only the pilot and copilot as crew.  When we were all loaded and the hand cuffs and leg irons had been removed from the prisoners the copilot came out with a box containing stale unwrapped Double Bubble gum for us to use as ear protection since the plane was so noisy.   The copilot made every one take two and never mentioned what they were for until someone said, "no thank you, I don't chew gum."  Then the seargent in charge yelled "they are for your ears!", just as another prisoner was saying as he chewed on the gum, "This gum is stale!"

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Overdueleaf

this happened about 10 years back

We were all over at my parents for a Sunday dinner and we were all sharing our events of the week. My mother proceeded to tell us about how she almost got into an accident trying to avoid a big roadkill on a foggy morning. She said she almost went off the road trying to avoid a duck billed platypus that had been hit. In hearing this we all burst out into laughter and my mother was complety oblivious as to why we were laughing. We had to explain to her that this is Ohio and duck billed platypi are native to Australia, what she saw was actaully a beaver. 

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Overdueleaf

My younger brother and my father were driving to school back in the late 90s. My brother was about 16 years old. He has lived in Ohio all his life and anyone who has been through Ohio knows, Ohio has an abundance of cornfields. My brother looked at my dad and in the most serious of tones asked my father what was growing in the field they were passing. My father looks at him in disbelief and says "corn", to which my brother asked, "how do you know its not tobacco".

Same brother also mistook some all white cows for sheep.. his words " those are some really big sheep on that hill"

We tease him to this day

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Desertrat56
10 hours ago, Overdueleaf said:

My younger brother and my father were driving to school back in the late 90s. My brother was about 16 years old. He has lived in Ohio all his life and anyone who has been through Ohio knows, Ohio has an abundance of cornfields. My brother looked at my dad and in the most serious of tones asked my father what was growing in the field they were passing. My father looks at him in disbelief and says "corn", to which my brother asked, "how do you know its not tobacco".

Same brother also mistook some all white cows for sheep.. his words " those are some really big sheep on that hill"

We tease him to this day

Did someone take your brother to the eye doctor?  I did when my daughter thought a tree stump was a cow lying on the side of the road.  She was near sighted.

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Desertrat56

I grew up in New Mexico, which in the 60's and 70's was mostly rural.  When I joined the army it didn't dawn on me that there would be a language barrier.  My family spoke mostly English and at school the lessons were taught in English.  But we had different meanings of some of the slang words like "honkey".  The first pay line we stood in at basic training the drill sergeant spent 10 minutes explaining/yelling that we had to line up in alphabetical order and like everything in the army there was a lot of waiting once we got in line.  So my friend Villa and I were talking (I was the first W, she was the only V) and 3 girls from the midwest decided to mess with the "white girls".   Their names were Washington, Webb and White.  The 3 of them got between us and Villa turn around and moved as far away from them as she could.  She was not good with confrontation.  I got mad and told them "We are supposed to be in alphabetical order, if you need help with the alphabet I will be glad to help you."  Of course the response was "Shut up you honkey b****."  That really pushed my buttons and I stepped towards the leader of the bullies and told her "If I'm a honkey so are you because we are wearing the same boots!"   She was surprised (I think I was the first one to ignore her friends and go towards her and what I said made no sense).  At that point her friends said "she's crazy, leave her alone, she's crazy" and pulled her back to their correct spot in line.   Where I grew up "honkey" was an insult but it meant "fake, stupid cowboy", not white person.   Of course everyone heard about Crazy Wade and even the drill sergeants would never yell at me after that.  Finally everyone had a label they could put on me.  (I had been called a Spic once because of my accent but I had never heard that word, had to ask my friend from California what that meant, turns out it depends on what part of the country you are from).

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Desertrat56
Posted (edited)

In the 80's I drove a little Mazda 323.  I was visiting my brother, who is a mechanic, and asked if he could find why it was making a noise near the right front.  He looked at it and found that some "boot" (protective rubber cover) had been cut and was flapping when I drove.  He took a rag and tied it over the boot to keep it from getting dirt in the part it was supposed to protect and told me to get a mechanic to fix it when I got back to Texas.

I took it to the mechanic and he replaced the boot, and when I went to pick the car up he handed me the rag and asked if I wanted it back.  I told him to throw it away.  It was a pair of my sister-in-law's panties. 

I don't know why they were in my brother's rag bag and I am still wondering why the mechanic thought I would want them back.

Edited by Desertrat56
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Desertrat56

My 8 year old grandson has been arguing with Alexa about who he is.  It keeps insisting he is his mother because she is the one who set up the account and it has not heard any other voice but his.  :lol:

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Desertrat56

my daughter:  how many loads of laundry can this hold?

salesperson: Ma'am, this is a dining room table

my daughter: and?

 

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Desertrat56

One of the ghost threads reminded me of a story my friend's dad told me. 

When he was first married he and his wife lived in a trailer next to a grave yard.  One night in late fall he had to work late and it was dark and raining when he started his walk home.  He decided to take a shortcut through the graveyard.  He stumbled and fell in to a newly dug grave that would be occupied the next day and it scared the bejeezus out of him.  He said he clawed his way out of that grave so fast he doesn't even know how he did it.  He was not a tall man and being in a 6 foot hole seemed like it would have been impossible for him to climb out unassisted.  His wife was upset when he got home soaked and covered head to toe in mud.

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Desertrat56

In the 70's Albuquerque had an epidemic of purse snatchers.  My mother's aunt was put in the hospital one night when a man grabbed her purse and knocked her down.  She fell badly and could not get up.  She had gone to the hospital to visit her daughter, who had just had surgery.  So, that man got a bag full of kleenex and allergy pills.  The Aunt never kept anything important in her purse.  I am glad the reprobate did not get anything for his trouble, but it was sad that my aunt had hurt her back and had problems for years.

A few days later a young man grabbed a woman's purse in a busy parking log of a discount store in full daylight.   Two men saw him and yelled for another witness to call the police while they chased him across the street to a parking lot behind a restaurant and beat the bejeezus out of him.  When the cops arrived the story was the guy was looking at them over his shoulder and ran headlong into an RV in the parking lot.  The police let them get a way with it and my dad thought it was hilarious.  I was a teenager, but I found it shocking, though purse snatchings did diminish after that in the city.

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Desertrat56

My nephew was harassed by the teachers when he was in 8th grade because he was almost 6 feet tall and towered over most of them so they had excuses to send him to the principal's office saying he was scaring the other kids.  But it was them that he was scaring, which was crazy because he was a very nice, polite young man. 

They even tried to tell him he couldn't wear his black trench coat to school.  That was the only coat he had because his mom could only afford one per winter and he insisted on that one because of some X-Man hero he liked.  He finally asked my mother to shave his head on both sides.  His hair was very thick and kind of long then.  He wore the Mohawk hair for a few weeks, then dyed it red for a couple of weeks, then dyed it blue.  Finally when everyone quit bothering him about it he had my mom shave it off.  That got another reaction, his head shaved.  :lol: 

He was actually expelled for 6 weeks at the beginning of the year because he owned the dummy grenade that his friends got caught playing with in class.  The teacher put it on her desk but while she was out of the room the assistant principal came in to "babysit".  When he saw it on her desk he freaked out and called the bomb squad, then pulled the pin and threw it in the principals office.  Luckily it was a dummy like all the kids told him and the principal was not in.  (probably the cops would not have been called if he were).  Then at lunch my nephew was pulled out of the cafeteria to sit in the office and listen to the bomb squad shout at the assistant principal for wasting their time.  By the time the principal got back and heard about it someone had called the superintendent who insisted he make an example of the kid who brought the dummy grenade to school.  My brother made them sign a contract stating that someone would make sure my nephew got his assignments daily and he would do the work so that his grades would not reflect their idiocy.  This was in the 80's so I can't even imagine what kids and parents have to put up with now days.

Edited by Desertrat56

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Desertrat56

In the 50's and 60's when I was very young my dad had a friend, Ralph, that he hung out with a lot.  During a time when my mother was ill my brother and I went with them to the firing range, to the hardware store, etc.  Both men smoked and one day we were in his car and my dad wanted to light a cigaret but the cigaret lighter was missing.  (that is a device that was used in what we now call the power port that heated up a coil of wires that stayed hot long enough to light a cigarette)

Ralph said he thinks he knocked it out when he was cleaning the car and it got thrown out with trash.  He handed my dad some matches and my dad lit his cigarette, blew on the match and threw it out the window (yes, people were ignorant about littering back then, for some reason cigarette butts and matches were not considered litter)  Anyway, Ralph lit a cigarette and did the same thing.

A few weeks later we were in the car and my dad asked Ralph why he didn't replace the cigarette lighter.  Ralph said he thought about it but was busy.  So my dad said, "next time I go to the junk yard  I will get you one."  Which he did.

The next time we were in Ralph's car, my dad noticed there was no cigarette lighter.  He asked why and Ralph said, "Well it has been a long time that I have been using matches and the first time I used the new cigarette lighter I blew on it an threw it out the window."

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