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Fabula Omnium

How do you forgive

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Cookie Monster
15 minutes ago, Sherapy said:

Excellent point RM. 

I actually have the Attachment Theory Handbook, you should see this book. It’s huge.

And incredibly interesting. 

You would like it.

I just had a look, jeeze there are whole books on it indeed lol.

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Sherapy
11 minutes ago, RabidMongoose said:

I just had a look, jeeze there are whole books on it indeed lol.

Omg, yes, this one is intense, you will literally be an expert after reading it.

Neuropsychologists use this.  

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029b10
On 10/2/2019 at 12:35 PM, Kittens Are Jerks said:

 If they ran over my cat deliberately, I would never forgive them, not in this lifetime or the next.

Forgive them for what, letting your cat run at large on the street?  By intentionally, I take it you mean that they ran off the road to strike the cat or possibly into your house since otherwise the only deliberate act in your cat being ran over is the one where you allowed your cat to run at large. 

 

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Kittens Are Jerks
2 minutes ago, 029b10 said:

Forgive them for what, letting your cat run at large on the street?  By intentionally, I take it you mean that they ran off the road to strike the cat or possibly into your house since otherwise the only deliberate act in your cat being ran over is the one where you allowed your cat to run at large. 

Apparently, some people are psychologically hardwired to blame the victim, so I'll forgive you. But just this once.

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029b10
4 minutes ago, Kittens Are Jerks said:

Apparently, some people are psychologically hardwired to blame the victim, so I'll forgive you. But just this once.

Your the victim?  You're the one that let your pet run at large, the driver of the vehicle didn't have the choice as to whether they wanted an animal to run out in front of them or not.  

Edited by 029b10

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Kittens Are Jerks
4 minutes ago, 029b10 said:

Your the victim?  You're the one that let your pet run at large, the driver of the vehicle didn't have the choice as to whether they wanted an animal to run out in front of them or not.  

You have quite the imagination. Knock it off with the trolling.

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Guyver
On 10/2/2019 at 7:07 AM, Fabula Omnium said:

Not restricted to one school of thought

I'm posing this question to see how people can explain how to do it not why. If there is any advice to overcome one if the not the biggest downside of mankind. I've posed this question before to a more restricted forum and got vague answers if anyone has any, shoot.

When I was in recovery, my sponsor taught me about forgiveness because it was the thing I needed. It was a Hindu technique but I forget what it was called.  The essence was that to truly forgive you pray blessings upon those who’s actions you resent.

i tried it and it worked.

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029b10
2 minutes ago, Kittens Are Jerks said:

You have quite the imagination. Knock it off with the trolling.

So now you accuse me of trolling, stating a position contrary to your own does not make a person a troll.

 

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Kittens Are Jerks
10 minutes ago, 029b10 said:

So now you accuse me of trolling, stating a position contrary to your own does not make a person a troll.

You did not state a contrary position. You took a simple example and fabricated a scenario around it so that you could indulge in some victim blaming. 

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029b10
Just now, Kittens Are Jerks said:

You did not state a contrary position. You took a simple example and fabricated a scenario around it so that you could indulge in some victim blaming. 

You claimed that you couldn't forgive anyone who intentionally ran over your cat.  Since I am not going to swerve or slam on my brakes to keep from hitting your cat, then you I am sure you wouldn't have any problem accusing me of intentionally running over your cat.    I was simply pointing out if you want to blame someone for you cat getting run over then consider the fact that you would be the one who let their pet run at large and assume responsibility for your own action instead of accusing someone else.  

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RoseDancer

It looks like we forgive others more for our benefit than theirs. 

One solution could be to forgive yourself for not being able to forgive them. 

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jypsijemini

I'm going out on a limb here, but forgiveness to me is bigger than a) attempting to fix a relationship, b) making the other person feel better about hurting you and c) releasing yourself from resentment and anger.

I believe that everything is energy. Energy exists at all different frequencies but it is not separate - just simply vibrating at different frequencies. It cannot be separated but it can exist in different forms. Light, sound, form, colour - that's what makes up our reality.

Therefore, the energies that form "me" also effect the rest of existence.

If I am full of love, patience, acceptance, humility, compassion, empathy, kindness and forgiveness, my world is going to feel that. The frequency I'm emitting is going to reach far and wide. The breath I exhale will be full of my energy. The water my body loses and is consumed back into the world will have my energy. The things I touch. The people I interact with - all of it will be imprinted with my energy.

I'm highly receptive of other people's energy. I don't just read other people - I feel them. My empathy is on point. My intuition is fine tuned.

I can't control when I'm instantly attracted to someone's energy, just like I can't help but be repelled by someone who just feels "off". I didn't learn this. I don't imagine it. It just comes naturally and I can't turn it off.

Knowing how influential energy is in my own life makes me so much more aware of my own energy and influence in my own thoughts, feelings, actions and words.

I've always tried to be the best person I could be with the understanding and knowledge I had available to me at the time. I was lucky to have grown up in a home that was rich in morals and values pertaining to the treatment of others and one's own heart and mind. To treat others with kindness and gentleness. To abstain from judgement. To forgive.

But I always seemed to be left used and abused and hurt.

I always struggled with forgiveness because it was very rare that anyone would ever express their apologies. It took me years to let go of the hurtful things people had done and said to me during childhood. And even longer once I reached adulthood and people "should have known better". I never understood how people could treat me badly when I felt all I'd done was try to love them and care for them.

And then a few years ago, I found myself in a domestic. It started out fine, I let myself get completely attached and all hell broke loose after 6 months. Maybe if I just tried harder and loved him a bit more, he'd change. Maybe he'd realise he was hurting someone who only deserved to be loved in return. I held on for two years, copped a crazy amount of abuse (mental, verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, you name it) and finally called it quits. I couldn't change him. Love couldn't fix him. He'd changed me. He'd brought out my dark side. He'd caused me to spiral into uncontrollable depression and anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts. Nothing I'd attempted had worked. He was an energy vampire and narcissist who'd utterly destroyed me.

How could I possibly forgive THAT?!

He didn't deserve it. He was never sorry - he gaslighted and blamed me, saying that I'd brought it all on myself. There was no way that he'd take responsibility for everything he'd put me through.

So I didn't even try to forgive him. I wished every horrible thing upon him, hoping that he'd suffer horrendously for the things he'd done to me. I believed he deserved it. I believed that it was only right that he experience such intense pain because he was so carelessly capable and willing to inflict it on me and others. Why should he enjoy life? Why should he find anyone else that might try to love him and please him? I'd keep checking up on his profiles wanting any indication that he was suffering somehow. That Karma was doing her job. That he was getting what he rightly deserved.

It made me bitter and angry. It affected my new life that was now free of this person. It attracted other toxic people into my space because that was the energy I was putting out. I was always returning back to the memories, reliving those horrific moments and feeling sorry for myself. I held onto the victim mentality. It seemed right - that was a part of my story and part of who I'd been forced to become.

But deep down, I didn't like what it was doing to me and my life.

Combined with all the other people I was refusing to forgive, it started to weigh me down.

Change started when I realised two key things:

1. Nobody is deserving of anything. I've knowingly and unknowingly hurt people before. Who am I to rate one action against another and decide that one person's actions deserve punishment when I myself expect forgiveness and understanding when I act cruelly? I can't stand the idea that anyone would resent or hate me for something I'd done to them. I'm incredibly inclined to apologise and seek out forgiveness when I know I've wronged someone else, intentionally and unintentionally - but there are people out there who I've hurt that I have no idea about. Or I've failed to recognise that my words/actions upset them. I don't think I'm undeserving of forgiveness, so why should anyone else be? None of us are perfect. Yes, some of us do things that are inconceivably cruel and vicious - but does that earn somebody the title of "unforgivable"?

Most often, we treat the PERSON as unforgivable, not the action. Maybe yes, the action is unforgivable, but the person is not. There are plenty of things that should not and can not be pardoned and forgotten. Sometimes actions require consequences. I believe you can forgive someone and still need to punish them for their actions. Holding onto anger and resentment and hatred is completely toxic. However, experiencing anger, resentment and hatred is not. It is normal and natural. It is just a feeling. It's the commitment to keeping it that is unhealthy. It needs to be let go - forgiven. Experience it and let it pass.

2. The energy I send to others will affect them. It's not instant. It may take a while and it may not come about in the way that you envision, but consciousness is universal energy and my thoughts and feelings hold power. I started to experiment with it. It was just a fleeting thought at first - that maybe I couldn't actively use my love and care in their lives face-to-face - but I could try to do it from a distance. If the people that hurt me continued to suffer in their lives, there was little chance that they'd be compelled to become better people. The pain and suffering would most likely make them worse. They'd go on to hurt more people. That wasn't what I wanted. At the time, I still felt that they deserved the same pain that they'd inflicted or worse, but I didn't want that to cause them to hurt other innocent people. What they needed most in their lives was goodness, peace and love. Sure, they didn't 'deserve' it. But it's the thing they were most lacking at the time. Deserving or not, that's what I forced myself to send them. It didn't feel nice to begin with. My mind tried to force my heart into submission. My ego didn't want to let go. But something in me knew that it was right.

I started with the people I hadn't seen for a while: old best friends who'd betrayed me. They were nasty, toxic people who only thought about themselves. I just started there. "I hope that you find someone who loves you. I hope you learn to love others. I hope your job brings you joy and satisfaction. I hope that you learn to be grateful and kind. I hope you find peace in your life. I hope you learn to love yourself." And every time any negative thoughts would creep back into my mind like the compulsive habit that it was to hate on them, I'd recognise it, halt it and begin this new process of wishing them well. I never had to tell them what I was doing. I never had to message them. I just started to change this pattern. Then I started to test myself by looking them up on social media. Sometimes, their photos would bring back up the pangs of resentment and I'd counter it by finding a new way to think about them. "She's looking healthy. That must have been a fun day. I'm glad she's got new, close friends to be around. That outfit really suits her." Again, no contact - just a new thought pattern. I started to notice that their lives really were getting better, even just in little ways. Maybe that had something to do with the energy I was sending them, maybe it had no bearing on them whatsoever. But I believed I saw results, so I kept going until I was able to completely let them go and release them from my heart and mind altogether.

And the results were positive for me also. The anger subsided. The toxic people were easier to break away from. They stopped gravitating towards me and wiggling their way into my life. People constantly comment on my positivity and my smile, wondering why it's so consistent! Because I'm free now. Because I have fallen in love with myself, with my life and with everybody around me. They all need love just as much as I do, and love is something I will never run out of. It's never too much. It doesn't run dry. I can give it to myself and I can give it to anybody else that needs it. It calms me. It stabilises me and balances me out. It takes a lot more to anger me now because I'm far more inclined to understand and give them love instead. It's the way I want to be treated on my bad days - with unconditional kindness and understanding. So why not "do unto others"?

Thinking of those people no longer angers me. I'm so used to sending them good vibes whenever something triggers me into thinking about these people from my past. They're just another person who used to grace the pages of my story. And remembering that at one point in time, I loved them. I cared for them, They gave me reason to feel that way about them - so I challenge myself to remember more about the good I saw in them rather than the horrible ways those friendships ended.

So then it was time to do the same for my ex. It took a lot to come to the same point, but I have. He taught me to love myself - which I'm grateful for. He taught me that I'm worth more than what he offered - which I'm grateful for (it helped me to find an amazing new partner!). He showed me that I can never be destroyed - that I am so incredibly strong and resilient - and for that, I am grateful. He was a very tough lesson in my life - but that experience taught me so very much! And now, I can support and relate to others who are going through the same thing. I never used to understand why people stayed in abusive relationships. I never realised that not every day was unimaginably painful and filled with violence. Most abusers will also give you hope because there'll be good days littered amongst the bad. And I never realised that you could love someone who hurt you so much until I experienced it for myself. It changed me - and I decided that it would change me for all the right reasons.

I learned how powerful and important forgiveness really is.

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Mr Walker
On 10/2/2019 at 11:37 PM, Fabula Omnium said:

Not restricted to one school of thought

I'm posing this question to see how people can explain how to do it not why. If there is any advice to overcome one if the not the biggest downside of mankind. I've posed this question before to a more restricted forum and got vague answers if anyone has any, shoot.

You learn how to forgive

Then you make a choice to forgive

Then you apply the knowledge on how to forgive, using will and discipline 

Forgiveness, like love, hate, greed, envy, altruism etc., in human beings,  are abstract  cognitive/ psychological constructs of the mind.

First we must experience and recognise the feeling and pattern of forgiving (perhaps for a minor crime against us) or for any other emotional/intellectual response. 

We then learn how to construct the special neural pattern which represents  each feeling, so that we can recreate it on demand.

  So, once you  have learned how to forgive, and how to  construct that  specific pattern of neural firings in your mind, you can recreate it, and you  will feel forgiveness.

This applies to all human emotional responses 

It takes recognition/acceptance  that this is possible, and then just time and practice (which require some will and self  discipline over time)  At first it might take some time to reconstruct that neural pattern of forgiveness, but eventually you will be able to do it instantly, sincerely and genuinely .  

Edited by Mr Walker

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Manwon Lender
On 10/2/2019 at 11:07 PM, Fabula Omnium said:

Not restricted to one school of thought

I'm posing this question to see how people can explain how to do it not why. If there is any advice to overcome one if the not the biggest downside of mankind. I've posed this question before to a more restricted forum and got vague answers if anyone has any, shoot.

Forgivenesses first takes self evaluation, then if you are clear in your aspirations and both your heart, along with your mind are open to it you can truly forgive. If either your heart or mind can not full agree you will not be able to ever truly forgive anothers transgressions. I think in this case it's better to never tell someone they are forgiven, because doing so will not truly fix what's broken.

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Sir Wearer of Hats
On 10/3/2019 at 12:07 AM, Fabula Omnium said:

Not restricted to one school of thought

I'm posing this question to see how people can explain how to do it not why. If there is any advice to overcome one if the not the biggest downside of mankind. I've posed this question before to a more restricted forum and got vague answers if anyone has any, shoot.

Sometimes ... you don’t. You are unable to do so, so you just have to move on.

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Free99

It's not for the moment that you live it's for all the tomorrows that follow when you get old you start seeing it this way and then being able to forgive becomes a way of life. Why bother putting any negative thought into stupid stuff just keep going forward.

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Sherapy
On 12/2/2019 at 1:31 AM, jypsijemini said:

I'm going out on a limb here, but forgiveness to me is bigger than a) attempting to fix a relationship, b) making the other person feel better about hurting you and c) releasing yourself from resentment and anger.

I believe that everything is energy. Energy exists at all different frequencies but it is not separate - just simply vibrating at different frequencies. It cannot be separated but it can exist in different forms. Light, sound, form, colour - that's what makes up our reality.

Therefore, the energies that form "me" also effect the rest of existence.

If I am full of love, patience, acceptance, humility, compassion, empathy, kindness and forgiveness, my world is going to feel that. The frequency I'm emitting is going to reach far and wide. The breath I exhale will be full of my energy. The water my body loses and is consumed back into the world will have my energy. The things I touch. The people I interact with - all of it will be imprinted with my energy.

I'm highly receptive of other people's energy. I don't just read other people - I feel them. My empathy is on point. My intuition is fine tuned.

I can't control when I'm instantly attracted to someone's energy, just like I can't help but be repelled by someone who just feels "off". I didn't learn this. I don't imagine it. It just comes naturally and I can't turn it off.

Knowing how influential energy is in my own life makes me so much more aware of my own energy and influence in my own thoughts, feelings, actions and words.

I've always tried to be the best person I could be with the understanding and knowledge I had available to me at the time. I was lucky to have grown up in a home that was rich in morals and values pertaining to the treatment of others and one's own heart and mind. To treat others with kindness and gentleness. To abstain from judgement. To forgive.

But I always seemed to be left used and abused and hurt.

I always struggled with forgiveness because it was very rare that anyone would ever express their apologies. It took me years to let go of the hurtful things people had done and said to me during childhood. And even longer once I reached adulthood and people "should have known better". I never understood how people could treat me badly when I felt all I'd done was try to love them and care for them.

And then a few years ago, I found myself in a domestic. It started out fine, I let myself get completely attached and all hell broke loose after 6 months. Maybe if I just tried harder and loved him a bit more, he'd change. Maybe he'd realise he was hurting someone who only deserved to be loved in return. I held on for two years, copped a crazy amount of abuse (mental, verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, you name it) and finally called it quits. I couldn't change him. Love couldn't fix him. He'd changed me. He'd brought out my dark side. He'd caused me to spiral into uncontrollable depression and anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts. Nothing I'd attempted had worked. He was an energy vampire and narcissist who'd utterly destroyed me.

How could I possibly forgive THAT?!

He didn't deserve it. He was never sorry - he gaslighted and blamed me, saying that I'd brought it all on myself. There was no way that he'd take responsibility for everything he'd put me through.

So I didn't even try to forgive him. I wished every horrible thing upon him, hoping that he'd suffer horrendously for the things he'd done to me. I believed he deserved it. I believed that it was only right that he experience such intense pain because he was so carelessly capable and willing to inflict it on me and others. Why should he enjoy life? Why should he find anyone else that might try to love him and please him? I'd keep checking up on his profiles wanting any indication that he was suffering somehow. That Karma was doing her job. That he was getting what he rightly deserved.

It made me bitter and angry. It affected my new life that was now free of this person. It attracted other toxic people into my space because that was the energy I was putting out. I was always returning back to the memories, reliving those horrific moments and feeling sorry for myself. I held onto the victim mentality. It seemed right - that was a part of my story and part of who I'd been forced to become.

But deep down, I didn't like what it was doing to me and my life.

Combined with all the other people I was refusing to forgive, it started to weigh me down.

Change started when I realised two key things:

1. Nobody is deserving of anything. I've knowingly and unknowingly hurt people before. Who am I to rate one action against another and decide that one person's actions deserve punishment when I myself expect forgiveness and understanding when I act cruelly? I can't stand the idea that anyone would resent or hate me for something I'd done to them. I'm incredibly inclined to apologise and seek out forgiveness when I know I've wronged someone else, intentionally and unintentionally - but there are people out there who I've hurt that I have no idea about. Or I've failed to recognise that my words/actions upset them. I don't think I'm undeserving of forgiveness, so why should anyone else be? None of us are perfect. Yes, some of us do things that are inconceivably cruel and vicious - but does that earn somebody the title of "unforgivable"?

Most often, we treat the PERSON as unforgivable, not the action. Maybe yes, the action is unforgivable, but the person is not. There are plenty of things that should not and can not be pardoned and forgotten. Sometimes actions require consequences. I believe you can forgive someone and still need to punish them for their actions. Holding onto anger and resentment and hatred is completely toxic. However, experiencing anger, resentment and hatred is not. It is normal and natural. It is just a feeling. It's the commitment to keeping it that is unhealthy. It needs to be let go - forgiven. Experience it and let it pass.

2. The energy I send to others will affect them. It's not instant. It may take a while and it may not come about in the way that you envision, but consciousness is universal energy and my thoughts and feelings hold power. I started to experiment with it. It was just a fleeting thought at first - that maybe I couldn't actively use my love and care in their lives face-to-face - but I could try to do it from a distance. If the people that hurt me continued to suffer in their lives, there was little chance that they'd be compelled to become better people. The pain and suffering would most likely make them worse. They'd go on to hurt more people. That wasn't what I wanted. At the time, I still felt that they deserved the same pain that they'd inflicted or worse, but I didn't want that to cause them to hurt other innocent people. What they needed most in their lives was goodness, peace and love. Sure, they didn't 'deserve' it. But it's the thing they were most lacking at the time. Deserving or not, that's what I forced myself to send them. It didn't feel nice to begin with. My mind tried to force my heart into submission. My ego didn't want to let go. But something in me knew that it was right.

I started with the people I hadn't seen for a while: old best friends who'd betrayed me. They were nasty, toxic people who only thought about themselves. I just started there. "I hope that you find someone who loves you. I hope you learn to love others. I hope your job brings you joy and satisfaction. I hope that you learn to be grateful and kind. I hope you find peace in your life. I hope you learn to love yourself." And every time any negative thoughts would creep back into my mind like the compulsive habit that it was to hate on them, I'd recognise it, halt it and begin this new process of wishing them well. I never had to tell them what I was doing. I never had to message them. I just started to change this pattern. Then I started to test myself by looking them up on social media. Sometimes, their photos would bring back up the pangs of resentment and I'd counter it by finding a new way to think about them. "She's looking healthy. That must have been a fun day. I'm glad she's got new, close friends to be around. That outfit really suits her." Again, no contact - just a new thought pattern. I started to notice that their lives really were getting better, even just in little ways. Maybe that had something to do with the energy I was sending them, maybe it had no bearing on them whatsoever. But I believed I saw results, so I kept going until I was able to completely let them go and release them from my heart and mind altogether.

And the results were positive for me also. The anger subsided. The toxic people were easier to break away from. They stopped gravitating towards me and wiggling their way into my life. People constantly comment on my positivity and my smile, wondering why it's so consistent! Because I'm free now. Because I have fallen in love with myself, with my life and with everybody around me. They all need love just as much as I do, and love is something I will never run out of. It's never too much. It doesn't run dry. I can give it to myself and I can give it to anybody else that needs it. It calms me. It stabilises me and balances me out. It takes a lot more to anger me now because I'm far more inclined to understand and give them love instead. It's the way I want to be treated on my bad days - with unconditional kindness and understanding. So why not "do unto others"?

Thinking of those people no longer angers me. I'm so used to sending them good vibes whenever something triggers me into thinking about these people from my past. They're just another person who used to grace the pages of my story. And remembering that at one point in time, I loved them. I cared for them, They gave me reason to feel that way about them - so I challenge myself to remember more about the good I saw in them rather than the horrible ways those friendships ended.

So then it was time to do the same for my ex. It took a lot to come to the same point, but I have. He taught me to love myself - which I'm grateful for. He taught me that I'm worth more than what he offered - which I'm grateful for (it helped me to find an amazing new partner!). He showed me that I can never be destroyed - that I am so incredibly strong and resilient - and for that, I am grateful. He was a very tough lesson in my life - but that experience taught me so very much! And now, I can support and relate to others who are going through the same thing. I never used to understand why people stayed in abusive relationships. I never realised that not every day was unimaginably painful and filled with violence. Most abusers will also give you hope because there'll be good days littered amongst the bad. And I never realised that you could love someone who hurt you so much until I experienced it for myself. It changed me - and I decided that it would change me for all the right reasons.

I learned how powerful and important forgiveness really is.

Just my two cents. 
Jypsi, anger is not a bad emotion, it sounds like it got you out, it taught you boundaries. There are some things that are not ever okay or forgivable. 
He didn’t teach you how to love you, he was a monster, he wanted you to not love and respect yourself. Yet, you said no, and that is what anger does it says no, it says I will not allow anyone to disrespect me ever again. This was your doing, not his. You don’t owe him anything. You were very brave and courageous to get out and stay out. 

The reality is there are just crappy people in this world who choose and want to be this way, you don’t need to forgive these types you need to get away from them and stay away from them. Also, being darn angry for awhile would be appropriate after what you went through, you were traumatized, in time, you have let go and moved on to a life filled with the love you deserve this is the essence of forgiveness in your situation and this is owed you, not him. 

Your ex needs to stop harming women not be excused with forgiveness. He needs to hear the truth which is his behavior is unforgivable. 
 

I am so sorry you went thru that, but it seems as if you decided to grew because of it. This was your doing not his, 
 

Major kudos to you. 

Edited by Sherapy
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Captain Risky
On 10/3/2019 at 4:40 PM, Sherapy said:

Exactly! 

My fave quote is “stop with the forgiveness people know exactly what they are doing.” 

 

I don't think someone that wrongs you necessarily might know what they're doing is wrong. 

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Hammerclaw
On 12/2/2019 at 4:31 AM, jypsijemini said:

I'm going out on a limb here, but forgiveness to me is bigger than a) attempting to fix a relationship, b) making the other person feel better about hurting you and c) releasing yourself from resentment and anger.

I believe that everything is energy. Energy exists at all different frequencies but it is not separate - just simply vibrating at different frequencies. It cannot be separated but it can exist in different forms. Light, sound, form, colour - that's what makes up our reality.

Therefore, the energies that form "me" also effect the rest of existence.

If I am full of love, patience, acceptance, humility, compassion, empathy, kindness and forgiveness, my world is going to feel that. The frequency I'm emitting is going to reach far and wide. The breath I exhale will be full of my energy. The water my body loses and is consumed back into the world will have my energy. The things I touch. The people I interact with - all of it will be imprinted with my energy.

I'm highly receptive of other people's energy. I don't just read other people - I feel them. My empathy is on point. My intuition is fine tuned.

I can't control when I'm instantly attracted to someone's energy, just like I can't help but be repelled by someone who just feels "off". I didn't learn this. I don't imagine it. It just comes naturally and I can't turn it off.

Knowing how influential energy is in my own life makes me so much more aware of my own energy and influence in my own thoughts, feelings, actions and words.

I've always tried to be the best person I could be with the understanding and knowledge I had available to me at the time. I was lucky to have grown up in a home that was rich in morals and values pertaining to the treatment of others and one's own heart and mind. To treat others with kindness and gentleness. To abstain from judgement. To forgive.

But I always seemed to be left used and abused and hurt.

I always struggled with forgiveness because it was very rare that anyone would ever express their apologies. It took me years to let go of the hurtful things people had done and said to me during childhood. And even longer once I reached adulthood and people "should have known better". I never understood how people could treat me badly when I felt all I'd done was try to love them and care for them.

And then a few years ago, I found myself in a domestic. It started out fine, I let myself get completely attached and all hell broke loose after 6 months. Maybe if I just tried harder and loved him a bit more, he'd change. Maybe he'd realise he was hurting someone who only deserved to be loved in return. I held on for two years, copped a crazy amount of abuse (mental, verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, you name it) and finally called it quits. I couldn't change him. Love couldn't fix him. He'd changed me. He'd brought out my dark side. He'd caused me to spiral into uncontrollable depression and anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts. Nothing I'd attempted had worked. He was an energy vampire and narcissist who'd utterly destroyed me.

How could I possibly forgive THAT?!

He didn't deserve it. He was never sorry - he gaslighted and blamed me, saying that I'd brought it all on myself. There was no way that he'd take responsibility for everything he'd put me through.

So I didn't even try to forgive him. I wished every horrible thing upon him, hoping that he'd suffer horrendously for the things he'd done to me. I believed he deserved it. I believed that it was only right that he experience such intense pain because he was so carelessly capable and willing to inflict it on me and others. Why should he enjoy life? Why should he find anyone else that might try to love him and please him? I'd keep checking up on his profiles wanting any indication that he was suffering somehow. That Karma was doing her job. That he was getting what he rightly deserved.

It made me bitter and angry. It affected my new life that was now free of this person. It attracted other toxic people into my space because that was the energy I was putting out. I was always returning back to the memories, reliving those horrific moments and feeling sorry for myself. I held onto the victim mentality. It seemed right - that was a part of my story and part of who I'd been forced to become.

But deep down, I didn't like what it was doing to me and my life.

Combined with all the other people I was refusing to forgive, it started to weigh me down.

Change started when I realised two key things:

1. Nobody is deserving of anything. I've knowingly and unknowingly hurt people before. Who am I to rate one action against another and decide that one person's actions deserve punishment when I myself expect forgiveness and understanding when I act cruelly? I can't stand the idea that anyone would resent or hate me for something I'd done to them. I'm incredibly inclined to apologise and seek out forgiveness when I know I've wronged someone else, intentionally and unintentionally - but there are people out there who I've hurt that I have no idea about. Or I've failed to recognise that my words/actions upset them. I don't think I'm undeserving of forgiveness, so why should anyone else be? None of us are perfect. Yes, some of us do things that are inconceivably cruel and vicious - but does that earn somebody the title of "unforgivable"?

Most often, we treat the PERSON as unforgivable, not the action. Maybe yes, the action is unforgivable, but the person is not. There are plenty of things that should not and can not be pardoned and forgotten. Sometimes actions require consequences. I believe you can forgive someone and still need to punish them for their actions. Holding onto anger and resentment and hatred is completely toxic. However, experiencing anger, resentment and hatred is not. It is normal and natural. It is just a feeling. It's the commitment to keeping it that is unhealthy. It needs to be let go - forgiven. Experience it and let it pass.

2. The energy I send to others will affect them. It's not instant. It may take a while and it may not come about in the way that you envision, but consciousness is universal energy and my thoughts and feelings hold power. I started to experiment with it. It was just a fleeting thought at first - that maybe I couldn't actively use my love and care in their lives face-to-face - but I could try to do it from a distance. If the people that hurt me continued to suffer in their lives, there was little chance that they'd be compelled to become better people. The pain and suffering would most likely make them worse. They'd go on to hurt more people. That wasn't what I wanted. At the time, I still felt that they deserved the same pain that they'd inflicted or worse, but I didn't want that to cause them to hurt other innocent people. What they needed most in their lives was goodness, peace and love. Sure, they didn't 'deserve' it. But it's the thing they were most lacking at the time. Deserving or not, that's what I forced myself to send them. It didn't feel nice to begin with. My mind tried to force my heart into submission. My ego didn't want to let go. But something in me knew that it was right.

I started with the people I hadn't seen for a while: old best friends who'd betrayed me. They were nasty, toxic people who only thought about themselves. I just started there. "I hope that you find someone who loves you. I hope you learn to love others. I hope your job brings you joy and satisfaction. I hope that you learn to be grateful and kind. I hope you find peace in your life. I hope you learn to love yourself." And every time any negative thoughts would creep back into my mind like the compulsive habit that it was to hate on them, I'd recognise it, halt it and begin this new process of wishing them well. I never had to tell them what I was doing. I never had to message them. I just started to change this pattern. Then I started to test myself by looking them up on social media. Sometimes, their photos would bring back up the pangs of resentment and I'd counter it by finding a new way to think about them. "She's looking healthy. That must have been a fun day. I'm glad she's got new, close friends to be around. That outfit really suits her." Again, no contact - just a new thought pattern. I started to notice that their lives really were getting better, even just in little ways. Maybe that had something to do with the energy I was sending them, maybe it had no bearing on them whatsoever. But I believed I saw results, so I kept going until I was able to completely let them go and release them from my heart and mind altogether.

And the results were positive for me also. The anger subsided. The toxic people were easier to break away from. They stopped gravitating towards me and wiggling their way into my life. People constantly comment on my positivity and my smile, wondering why it's so consistent! Because I'm free now. Because I have fallen in love with myself, with my life and with everybody around me. They all need love just as much as I do, and love is something I will never run out of. It's never too much. It doesn't run dry. I can give it to myself and I can give it to anybody else that needs it. It calms me. It stabilises me and balances me out. It takes a lot more to anger me now because I'm far more inclined to understand and give them love instead. It's the way I want to be treated on my bad days - with unconditional kindness and understanding. So why not "do unto others"?

Thinking of those people no longer angers me. I'm so used to sending them good vibes whenever something triggers me into thinking about these people from my past. They're just another person who used to grace the pages of my story. And remembering that at one point in time, I loved them. I cared for them, They gave me reason to feel that way about them - so I challenge myself to remember more about the good I saw in them rather than the horrible ways those friendships ended.

So then it was time to do the same for my ex. It took a lot to come to the same point, but I have. He taught me to love myself - which I'm grateful for. He taught me that I'm worth more than what he offered - which I'm grateful for (it helped me to find an amazing new partner!). He showed me that I can never be destroyed - that I am so incredibly strong and resilient - and for that, I am grateful. He was a very tough lesson in my life - but that experience taught me so very much! And now, I can support and relate to others who are going through the same thing. I never used to understand why people stayed in abusive relationships. I never realised that not every day was unimaginably painful and filled with violence. Most abusers will also give you hope because there'll be good days littered amongst the bad. And I never realised that you could love someone who hurt you so much until I experienced it for myself. It changed me - and I decided that it would change me for all the right reasons.

I learned how powerful and important forgiveness really is.

You are wise and write with an eloquent flair, clear, concise and easily understood. Forgiveness does, indeed, begin with oneself. You are sweet, you are precious, you are special and you are beautiful. Anyone who has said or made you feel different is a fool. Shake their dust off your shoes and pay them no more mind.

https://youtu.be/QzkK3ZtI9SU

 

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Sherapy
6 minutes ago, Captain Risky said:

I don't think someone that wrongs you necessarily might know what they're doing is wrong. 

Or they might know exactly what they are doing, As much as it pains me to say this there are crappy people in this world that lack empathy and are abusive intentionally. 
 

A guy who knocks a woman around does not get the benefit of the doubt from me, victimization is not acceptable.

 

Edited by Sherapy
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Captain Risky
On 10/3/2019 at 3:20 PM, LightAngel said:

 

"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster" - Friedrich Nietzsche

Hmm...

Be careful that you don't cross certain lines because you might not be able to come back again if you do.

You need a monster to fight a monster. 

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Captain Risky
1 minute ago, Sherapy said:

Or they might know exactly what they are doing, As much as it pains me to say this there are crappy people in this world that lack empathy and are abusive intentionally. 

Im sure there are. But mistakes are also part of the equation. 

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Sherapy
1 minute ago, Captain Risky said:

Im sure there are. But mistakes are also part of the equation. 

So are boundaries. 

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Captain Risky
On 10/3/2019 at 1:41 AM, Kittens Are Jerks said:

Not sure what the big deal with forgiveness is. Some say forgiving is good for the soul, or whatever, but then again, so is anger. Perhaps if one allows for time to heal whatever wounds were inflicted, forgiveness might come as a matter of natural course. Bison's suggestion of utilising compassion and understanding is an excellent one, but ultimately what's important, is not how you feel about others, but, rather, how you feel about yourself. If forgiving helps you move forward, then by all means forgive. But, if you don't want to, then don't, for if you do, you'll never forgive yourself for having done so.

Ultimately, it boils down to self-respect and preservation. As I see it, to forgive someone is to compromise yourself, so in order to forgive a person who has caused you harm, grief (or whatever) in any way, take yourself down a notch, lower your standards, expectations, and self-esteem. and there you have it: the ability to forgive. And don't anyone suggest it takes a big person to forgive. As I see it, it takes and even bigger person not to.

Me too. I think this forgiveness thing is over rated. Thanking someone for ****ing up a part of your life (assuming its that bad) is ridiculous. Besides, forgiveness is your journey. Might start off horrible and unfair but if it leeds you to a better place or outcome then its easy to reevaluate the situation and "forgive". If not sharpen your knives. 

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Captain Risky
4 minutes ago, Sherapy said:

So are boundaries. 

If its an accident then yeah i can see where forgiveness can help. If its intentional and driven by evil, well...

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