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Akhu999

How Does One Really Let Go?

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Akhu999
Posted (edited)

This is a very transparent post but at this point, I don't have anything more to lose

Leaving out most details, I met this person over a year and a half ago and qe connected in a way that seemed meant to be. I didn't ask for it and wasn't looking for it (at least at that time), and it took me by quite a surprise.

Well, head-over-heels is an understatement for what happened to me. I ended up falling very deeply in love with this individual. I don't know if I'm convinced that soul-mates and twin flames are actually a real thing, so to be on the safe side, because they aren't scientifically proven, I'll just say I don't believe in them. All I know is that at some point, this connection began to feel like an obsession, and quite an unhealthy one. A lot of the external signs were there that this relationship was orchestrated bt something out of my control, but so were all of the signs that this had all the makings of a very toxic relationship.

Having been devastated by betrayal, abandonement, and heartbreak in the past, I tried, with every fiber of my being, to keep that from happening again (hence the obsessive, impulsive component). I always walked on egg shells around this person but still tried to beat my fears to the punch by bringing some questions/concerns to him maybe way before I should have, while on other aspects, putting up with things way longer than I should have...because sadly, I'm a person who wears his heart on his sleeve even after being hurt many times.

Long story short, this became the classic case of the "runner-chaser" dynamic to the point where even though he was the one who initially approached me, he ended up completely avoiding me and leaving me with no sense of completeness or closure.

There were a few times when I've walked off of my job because my anxiety over this situation was too overwhelming to function or focus on work. I've had to call the crisis hotline, many times, to get me through the night, I've been balled up in the fetal position, trembling, feeling literal coldness all over my body when it was lukewarm in the room. I've had several dreams about this individual, most of them wherein he felt like a phantom figure, have had to get an extreme amount of counseling, from many different counselors, about and behind the relationship and the breakdown thereof, eventually quit my job and now spend moat of my days lying in the bed feeling like it takes everything within me to get up and be productive and nearly impossible to motivate myself to even take a shower. A lot of addictive and self destructive behaviors have even resurfaced.

This situation has clearly brought me to ruin or triggered things within me that were very deep and the thing os I don't know how to get out of this trap I've fallen into, and I know that part of it is the inability to forgive myself for having failed, once again, at connecting to a person I love on a deeper level. Some have told me it wasn't my fault but others have been honest with me and told me it was. Although I didn't do it intentionally, I came off very needy, desperate, clingy, insecure, demanding, and overvearing, which would naturally turn anyone off. I'm angry woth myself for not having learned enough from the past to prevent this from happening no matter how hard I tried.

I'm also furious and full of rage toward him for leading me on and playing with my very real emotions and taking them so lightly. This situation is not just one thing but many layers of things overlapping. I know that. But I hate being so paralyzed by the aftermath of this situation and feeling like letting go and moving on is impossible. I'm watching my life pass me by and feel helpless to do anything about it, and also feel like I deserve it for being so stupid and allowing myself to be bamboozled. I feel overwhelmed by humiliation and regret and I know that must be a big part of what's keeping me trapped.

My question is have you ever experienced something like this and hiw can I ley go of this person? Not in a malicuous sense but in a way that I can be nuetral? I just don't want to be burdened my this attraction anymore because it's taken full control over my life. I really want to be free!

 

Edited by Akhu999
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Gwynbleidd

Thank you for sharing your experience @Akhu999 :)   I believe that all of us have felt like, and been where you are, at one time or another during our lives, no matter how much we'd like to deny it.   Sometimes it is extremely hard to let go of something and or someone due to the emotional attachment we once felt and everything that's associated with that.  It could be a song, a place, feelings of de'ja'vu which you feel like are constant reminders.  You want to be free, but feel trapped to a certain degree as you can't shake the memories and feelings to do with the entire experience.  I don't think you should blame yourself though.  We are who we are and I believe there is someone out there for everyone.  That person was obviously not the correct one, as much as you might've liked them to be initially.  I hope that kind of helps a little. :)  

Have you tried talking to someone qualified to help you put strategies in place for dealing with your emotions? 

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Habitat

Sounds like a relationship counsellor should be consulted.

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aztek
Posted (edited)

no advice given here or by so called counselors will get rid of your problem as if by magic.  in most cases time fixes things, in some nothing does,  changing environment,  does help.   i was in your shoes in my teen years,  soon after that i almost died a violent death, and it made me get over it fast, not that i  recommend it, but it did the trick for me. 

Edited by aztek
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RoseDancer

There's a belief that we meet the people we do because we have something to learn from each other. Once the lessons are learned we move on. Maybe it's time to explore what you have learned from that relationship and then let go and move on. There are many more lessons to learn in order to evolve and mature. 

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'Walt' E. Kurtz

Don't blame yourself for what happened we tend to give ourself all the blame when things go awry and we all do silly things when we're in love. Between you and this person. think like this: " if someone hurts you that bad, then do you really want them in your life ?  " And if your relationship turned into something toxic then this person was not right for you. Pamper yourself, be with your friends and do things. Exercise :-) counselling is also good.  

Edited by Impedancer
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