The worst dream of my life

[Juvator]

I'm not the best writer but I tried to put it down as I experienced it so you get the best idea of how it was for me.
I've since learned that apparently the medication Mirtazapine that I'm taking is responsible for this experience.
I'm not really looking to get anything out of this by posting it, but I don't usually have much to post about here so I figured this was an opportunity to share something.
But it is very interesting to know that this medication can actually intensify dreams and that there's a lot commonalities among other people who've taken this medication.

I'm throwing up... Why am I throwing up and why can't I stop? Oh man why do I feel so utterly sick? Am I dying? Why am I throwing up and why can't I see? Is this what dying feels like?

I'm throwing up.. and I can't stop. Why can't I see and why can't I hear? What is happening to me?
Where am I? Who am I?

I want to cry but I can't because I'm throwing up and it just won't stop.

I'm hearing faint muffled noises as if I'm underwater. Slowly I'm starting to realize things about myself. But why? Why am I throwing up and why can't I see or hear?

I can feel some sense of myself returning, enough to realize that I'm throwing up much more than I should, but I can't stop because I feel so incredibly nauseous.
I'm starting to realize that the sounds I hear are voices and there seem to be a lot of them.
But why is it so dark? I feel so utterly lonely.

I start to feel around with my hands and all I can feel are rough surfaces. My hand brushes against my leg and I notice that it hurts and that entire layers of my skin are peeling off like you've been in the water for way too long. I notice that the skin on my body is peeling off everywhere! I frantically start rubbing my body and my skin is just peeling off everywhere This is horrible!! What is happening to me?!! How much time has passed and why am I still throwing up? Am I dreaming?
I'm trying to hear what the voices are saying but it sounds so far away and muffled.

I notice that slowly sound is becoming more clear but I still can't understand what they are saying.
I wish I could just stop throwing up! Someone please help me! Please!!
I hear the voices getting louder until I think I hear someone say “I think he's starting to hear us don't try to speak yet, it will get better”

I try to speak anyway but I can't because I cannot stop throwing up, how long has it been? Hours? Days? What is happening to me?? I hear them laughing. Why? What is so funny about this, I'm dying over here! Why won't they help me?
 

After what seems to have been hours I am finally able to get some proper breaths in to try and speak. And I ask them, what is happening to me? Why can't I see? And why are you laughing?
“It will pass” they say. I realize they have a thick Russian accent. What the hell am I doing in Russia!?!
I try to ask them more questions but I hear them leave again. At least the vomiting is starting to become less violent and I have a minute to breath every now and then.

It must have been hours before they came back but I'm still vomiting and I don't understand how this is possible. I ask them, When will it stop and why can't I see? “You have been drugged” they say.
WHAT? What do you mean I have been drugged I ask them in between throwing up.

They laugh again and say “It's not your fault, it's just bad luck”

Bad luck? Was I in an accident? And is this why I'm blind? “No your vision will come back too”

Have I been in a coma? Is that what this is? They all laugh for a while and talk in Russian until one of them says “Like I said, just bad luck my friend.”

I'm starting to think to myself that something is very wrong here, how is it that I cannot remember anything about myself from before this? What kind of drugs have they given me and why?
I'm starting to get very angry! Why did they do this to me?
My thoughts were racing, trying to piece together what was going on. And still, I had to throw up regularly but at least it was no longer constantly and it did indeed seem like my vision was coming back slowly.
“We will be back in a few hours to check up on you.” I needed to find out why they did this to me but while still being mostly blind and feeling very weak there was nothing I could do and so I waited for them to come back.

After a while I hear footsteps and the door opens once more.

“You should stop rubbing your skin, it will heal eventually.” A kinder voice says.
I had not even realized that I had been constantly rubbing my body and tearing off pieces of skin.

While they were away I had made up a plan in my head, if I wanted to get out of here I had to play along. This was not easy as I was so angry at them for doing this to me! I wanted to hurt them, murder them!! AAARGH!!

But instead I said jokingly, Is this how you treat all your guests? That got a good laugh from them and they sounded genuinely impressed.
They spoke among themselves in Russian then and after some talk they asked, “How is your vision doing?” I lied and said, that I still could not see much, but I saw them very clearly now.

Their attitude towards me seemed to relax more after that and they finally told me why I was here.
“We have kept you drugged and submerged in a tank and had someone impersonate you for the last 4 years to cash your health benefit checks.”
What?! WHAT?! I thought to myself, are you kidding me!!

I did my best not to show my anger and sheer blood lust after this, I wanted to hurt them so badly!
These people were insane! But I told myself to stay calm and asked them why they had decided to let me out then. The same kind person from before told me that they actually felt bad about it and that they were going to let me go.

I felt incredible relief at hearing this and my body was able to start letting go the tension I had been feeling all this time, the vomiting was finally almost gone now and I thought maybe, I might make it out of this.
But I was still skeptic so I kept playing along, what more could I do anyways? I was still very weak and clearly this was an organization who had been doing this to others.

The same person was now addressing me again while the others talked among themselves in Russian. “Put these on please, and after you are dressed we will bring you some food”

After putting on what turned out to be a hospital gown I was indeed brought food and a spoon was put in my hand, the soup smelt really good and I gladly ate some of it.

I'm throwing up... Why am I throwing up and why can't I stop? What is happe.... NO!! NOOO! NO NO NO NO NOOOOO NOT AGAIN! THEY LIED! THOSE ****ERS LIED!

This time my awareness returned much quicker and I was able to make out people speaking in what seemed like Chinese. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream and shout! I wanted to kill them all!
But all I could do was throw up and I realized that god knows how long I had been drugged this time.
It was not going to stop, it was never going to end. This was my life now if you could even call it that. I felt so utterly hopeless, it shattered me, I could not believe that this was real.

I open my eyes and find myself in bed and realize I just had the worst dream of my life...unless I was still drugged and submerged and this was just me dreaming....
 

So if you've been able to read all the way through and hopefully can fill in the blanks of what was going on in this nightmare I would like to add some last words.
Before this I had never experienced anything like this and I'm a very vivid dreamer already and can usually remember a lot. 
But to become aware in utter darkness and silence while all you can do is vomit through every orofice almost without stopping has been the most horrifying experience of my life.
And yeah it turns out that this medication seems to induce nightmares in many people that also suffer from depression and a lot of them describe being stuck in dark rooms or basements and not being able to escape.
It is very interesting to me that this can be induced, I did not even think about it being caused by this medication because before now I did not think there were many things that could really induce more vivid dreaming.

I had several other dreams that night as well which were more pleasant and also much more vivid. I don't know if this medication is worth the nightmares though.
I purely take it to help me sleep not really for depression though I do suffer from this as well.
 

 

[+Not A Rockstar]

Yow, I would get off that, I think. What a creepy dream  

[Dejarma]

dreams are nothing= it's nothing more than the brain putting together info while you are not in control- because you're sleeping- simple as that!

if you feel a need to make more of it then have fun

[eight bits]

Maybe you should be talking this over with whoever prescribed the stuff, more so than with us here.

[Juvator]

1 hour ago, Not A Rockstar said:

Yow, I would get off that, I think. What a creepy dream  

There are good sides to it, I also had some very nice and fun dreams.
And they do say this will taper off in a few weeks.
But this was definitely a very tough experience, I don't even really have nightmares normally not since I was a child.
Now when I have a dream that I would have perceived as a nightmare as a kid I can now just deal with and it does not feel like a nightmare.
But this one was a straight up mind**** nightmare haha.
 

52 minutes ago, Dejarma said:

dreams are nothing= it's nothing more than the brain putting together info while you are not in control- because you're sleeping- simple as that!

if you feel a need to make more of it then have fun

I agree to a certain degree that I think those typical dream explanation books are nonsense.
What I do find interesting is that this medication seems to induce the same kinds of dreams for others so that it's no coincedence that people are dreaming the same kind of thing.
And I'm actually looking at this more from a scientific/psychological point of view because I've read a bunch of experiences from people on this medication and they really do all describe the same kind of things.
Sure people have the same issues the world over but I would really like to know more about how exactly this medicine is doing this and perhaps even some other people here are now thinking, hmm wait I had this medication as well.. etc etc.

 

43 minutes ago, eight bits said:

Maybe you should be talking this over with whoever prescribed the stuff, more so than with us here.

Yeah and I will but it will come down to whether I am willing to knuckle through it for the benefit of finally having a better sleeping schedule because it should become less intense.
Emotionally this kind of dream can be quite heavy and it takes a while to separate your emotions from it after you wake up. Sharing and writing it down is my way of processing it I guess.

It is known as a very mild anti depressant and sleep aid that unlike oxazepam and that type of drug does not require you to keep taking more and more for it to work.
But it does interestingly seem to have a very strong effect on our dreams which arguably makes it quite a heavy drug for some people I guess.

But I know fairly well what my doctor will say and I think he's a good one because he does not prescribe things lightly and we talk about it extensively.
 

Edited January 19, 2020 by Juvator

[Dejarma]

4 minutes ago, Juvator said:

I agree to a certain degree that I think those typical dream explanation books are nonsense.
What I do find interesting is that this medication seems to induce the same kinds of dreams for others so that it's no coincedence that people are dreaming the same kind of thing.
And I'm actually looking at this more from a scientific/psychological point of view because I've read a bunch of experiences from people on this medication and they really do all describe the same kind of things.
Sure people have the same issues the world over but I would really like to know more about how exactly this medicine is doing this and perhaps even some other people here are now thinking, hmm wait I had this medication as well.. etc etc.

all brains are the same- if a drug works in a way for one, then by default, it will have the same impact on another= if you feel a need to class this as supernatural in some way then who am I to say you can't??? Have fun & enjoy

[Juvator]

Just now, Dejarma said:

all brains are the same- if a drug works in a way for one, then by default, it will have the same impact on another= if you feel a need to class this as supernatural in some way then who am I to say you can't??? Have fun & enjoy

I agree indeed and you might misunderstand. I do not want to classify this as supernatural at all. I'm just very interested in the chemical reactions that are taking place to cause this effect in people that it makes them dream the worst things.
And it is also scary in a way that a drug like that can cause this and I wonder how far one could modify and adjust a drug like this to make that it's intended effect instead of it being a side effect.

Obviously there's no point in discussing that here, I will need to go look into the science of that drug and see what is known about it so far myself

[Dejarma]

2 minutes ago, Juvator said:

I agree indeed and you might misunderstand. I do not want to classify this as supernatural at all. I'm just very interested in the chemical reactions that are taking place to cause this effect in people that it makes them dream the worst things.

sorry but I've no idea what you're referring to== what drug?

My apologies if I've missed something here

[+Not A Rockstar]

20 minutes ago, Juvator said:

Obviously there's no point in discussing that here, I will need to go look into the science of that drug and see what is known about it so far myself

You just have to ignore those who want to ignore what you are saying and make it something else is all. I think you bring up a good concern and I suspect someone somewhere is making psychotic drugs for some application.

I remember being told by one of my Mom's doctors that Ambien is another odd one, and a percentage of users have dreams of alien abductions, laying unable to move and looking up at Grays by the descriptions. Seems to me it would be worth knowing what about the drug makes a percentage have the same dream type that exactly. It might reveal more than we know right now about how the brain works.

[Jujo-jo]

2 hours ago, Juvator said:

I'm not the best writer but I tried to put it down as I experienced it so you get the best idea of how it was for me.
I've since learned that apparently the medication Mirtazapine that I'm taking is responsible for this experience.
I'm not really looking to get anything out of this by posting it, but I don't usually have much to post about here so I figured this was an opportunity to share something.
But it is very interesting to know that this medication can actually intensify dreams and that there's a lot commonalities among other people who've taken this medication.

I'm throwing up... Why am I throwing up and why can't I stop? Oh man why do I feel so utterly sick? Am I dying? Why am I throwing up and why can't I see? Is this what dying feels like?

I'm throwing up.. and I can't stop. Why can't I see and why can't I hear? What is happening to me?
Where am I? Who am I?

I want to cry but I can't because I'm throwing up and it just won't stop.

I'm hearing faint muffled noises as if I'm underwater. Slowly I'm starting to realize things about myself. But why? Why am I throwing up and why can't I see or hear?

I can feel some sense of myself returning, enough to realize that I'm throwing up much more than I should, but I can't stop because I feel so incredibly nauseous.
I'm starting to realize that the sounds I hear are voices and there seem to be a lot of them.
But why is it so dark? I feel so utterly lonely.

I start to feel around with my hands and all I can feel are rough surfaces. My hand brushes against my leg and I notice that it hurts and that entire layers of my skin are peeling off like you've been in the water for way too long. I notice that the skin on my body is peeling off everywhere! I frantically start rubbing my body and my skin is just peeling off everywhere This is horrible!! What is happening to me?!! How much time has passed and why am I still throwing up? Am I dreaming?
I'm trying to hear what the voices are saying but it sounds so far away and muffled.

I notice that slowly sound is becoming more clear but I still can't understand what they are saying.
I wish I could just stop throwing up! Someone please help me! Please!!
I hear the voices getting louder until I think I hear someone say “I think he's starting to hear us don't try to speak yet, it will get better”

I try to speak anyway but I can't because I cannot stop throwing up, how long has it been? Hours? Days? What is happening to me?? I hear them laughing. Why? What is so funny about this, I'm dying over here! Why won't they help me?
 

After what seems to have been hours I am finally able to get some proper breaths in to try and speak. And I ask them, what is happening to me? Why can't I see? And why are you laughing?
“It will pass” they say. I realize they have a thick Russian accent. What the hell am I doing in Russia!?!
I try to ask them more questions but I hear them leave again. At least the vomiting is starting to become less violent and I have a minute to breath every now and then.

It must have been hours before they came back but I'm still vomiting and I don't understand how this is possible. I ask them, When will it stop and why can't I see? “You have been drugged” they say.
WHAT? What do you mean I have been drugged I ask them in between throwing up.

They laugh again and say “It's not your fault, it's just bad luck”

Bad luck? Was I in an accident? And is this why I'm blind? “No your vision will come back too”

Have I been in a coma? Is that what this is? They all laugh for a while and talk in Russian until one of them says “Like I said, just bad luck my friend.”

I'm starting to think to myself that something is very wrong here, how is it that I cannot remember anything about myself from before this? What kind of drugs have they given me and why?
I'm starting to get very angry! Why did they do this to me?
My thoughts were racing, trying to piece together what was going on. And still, I had to throw up regularly but at least it was no longer constantly and it did indeed seem like my vision was coming back slowly.
“We will be back in a few hours to check up on you.” I needed to find out why they did this to me but while still being mostly blind and feeling very weak there was nothing I could do and so I waited for them to come back.

After a while I hear footsteps and the door opens once more.

“You should stop rubbing your skin, it will heal eventually.” A kinder voice says.
I had not even realized that I had been constantly rubbing my body and tearing off pieces of skin.

While they were away I had made up a plan in my head, if I wanted to get out of here I had to play along. This was not easy as I was so angry at them for doing this to me! I wanted to hurt them, murder them!! AAARGH!!

But instead I said jokingly, Is this how you treat all your guests? That got a good laugh from them and they sounded genuinely impressed.
They spoke among themselves in Russian then and after some talk they asked, “How is your vision doing?” I lied and said, that I still could not see much, but I saw them very clearly now.

Their attitude towards me seemed to relax more after that and they finally told me why I was here.
“We have kept you drugged and submerged in a tank and had someone impersonate you for the last 4 years to cash your health benefit checks.”
What?! WHAT?! I thought to myself, are you kidding me!!

I did my best not to show my anger and sheer blood lust after this, I wanted to hurt them so badly!
These people were insane! But I told myself to stay calm and asked them why they had decided to let me out then. The same kind person from before told me that they actually felt bad about it and that they were going to let me go.

I felt incredible relief at hearing this and my body was able to start letting go the tension I had been feeling all this time, the vomiting was finally almost gone now and I thought maybe, I might make it out of this.
But I was still skeptic so I kept playing along, what more could I do anyways? I was still very weak and clearly this was an organization who had been doing this to others.

The same person was now addressing me again while the others talked among themselves in Russian. “Put these on please, and after you are dressed we will bring you some food”

After putting on what turned out to be a hospital gown I was indeed brought food and a spoon was put in my hand, the soup smelt really good and I gladly ate some of it.

I'm throwing up... Why am I throwing up and why can't I stop? What is happe.... NO!! NOOO! NO NO NO NO NOOOOO NOT AGAIN! THEY LIED! THOSE ****ERS LIED!

This time my awareness returned much quicker and I was able to make out people speaking in what seemed like Chinese. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream and shout! I wanted to kill them all!
But all I could do was throw up and I realized that god knows how long I had been drugged this time.
It was not going to stop, it was never going to end. This was my life now if you could even call it that. I felt so utterly hopeless, it shattered me, I could not believe that this was real.

I open my eyes and find myself in bed and realize I just had the worst dream of my life...unless I was still drugged and submerged and this was just me dreaming....
 

So if you've been able to read all the way through and hopefully can fill in the blanks of what was going on in this nightmare I would like to add some last words.
Before this I had never experienced anything like this and I'm a very vivid dreamer already and can usually remember a lot. 
But to become aware in utter darkness and silence while all you can do is vomit through every orofice almost without stopping has been the most horrifying experience of my life.
And yeah it turns out that this medication seems to induce nightmares in many people that also suffer from depression and a lot of them describe being stuck in dark rooms or basements and not being able to escape.
It is very interesting to me that this can be induced, I did not even think about it being caused by this medication because before now I did not think there were many things that could really induce more vivid dreaming.

I had several other dreams that night as well which were more pleasant and also much more vivid. I don't know if this medication is worth the nightmares though.
I purely take it to help me sleep not really for depression though I do suffer from this as well.
 

 

I also think there might be a better medication out there that you could take. Definitely talk to your dr. about that please.

I must say if this is the worse dream you e ever had then I'd trade with you any day. lol

I think that possibly, you may be feeling insecure with your every day surroundings in your life. Whether it is your neighbor hood, your neighbors themselves or even maybe the places you attend. 

Sickness in this sense to me represents trying to expell something you've ingested, whether that is the medication or something else entirely different, or maybe even both put together.

Look at the mixed cultures and nationalities around you in your life, I'd have to say there is an underlying issue there that you might not see or be aware of, whether it is your feelings or just the environment itself.

Also the water and possible tank thing... these things come to mind purifying and preserving

The rubbing of skin off the body, addiction issues or fear of.

 

Try lavendar oil drops on your pillow or warm baths before bed. Good luck!

[Juvator]

4 hours ago, Not A Rockstar said:

You just have to ignore those who want to ignore what you are saying and make it something else is all. I think you bring up a good concern and I suspect someone somewhere is making psychotic drugs for some application.

I remember being told by one of my Mom's doctors that Ambien is another odd one, and a percentage of users have dreams of alien abductions, laying unable to move and looking up at Grays by the descriptions. Seems to me it would be worth knowing what about the drug makes a percentage have the same dream type that exactly. It might reveal more than we know right now about how the brain works.

Yeah indeed and i've already noticed that on this forum. I do indeed think it could tell us A LOT about the brain and how dreams work because if we know that this drug affects the brain in a way that it amplifies someone's fears.. well that's quite a big concern indeed.

 

 

3 hours ago, Jujo-jo said:

I also think there might be a better medication out there that you could take. Definitely talk to your dr. about that please.

I must say if this is the worse dream you e ever had then I'd trade with you any day. lol

I think that possibly, you may be feeling insecure with your every day surroundings in your life. Whether it is your neighbor hood, your neighbors themselves or even maybe the places you attend. 

Sickness in this sense to me represents trying to expell something you've ingested, whether that is the medication or something else entirely different, or maybe even both put together.

Look at the mixed cultures and nationalities around you in your life, I'd have to say there is an underlying issue there that you might not see or be aware of, whether it is your feelings or just the environment itself.

Also the water and possible tank thing... these things come to mind purifying and preserving

The rubbing of skin off the body, addiction issues or fear of.

 

Try lavendar oil drops on your pillow or warm baths before bed. Good luck!

I'm going to DM you when I have the time. The things you are saying are quite interesting and scarily accurate, especially the neighbors part.
And I've tried quite a few medications already, this is actually one of the lightest ones. Even as a kid I could never fall asleep well, it always took hours.

Edited January 19, 2020 by Juvator

[Juvator]

6 hours ago, Dejarma said:

sorry but I've no idea what you're referring to== what drug?

My apologies if I've missed something here

No worries it was a lot of text and not super easy to read

This nightmare seems to have been induced by Mirtazapine. 
It's a sleeping aid that I've started using recently and after writing down my nightmare I started thinking about why I had this dream and if there was something different in my life that could be the cause.
I remembered I just upped the dosage from 15mg to 30mg (all prescribed and talked over with my doctor) And a simple google search showed me that many people have had terrible nightmares after using this drug to fall asleep.
So this explained why this dream was so much worse than anything I've experienced before. But now I'm very interested in this drug because of it's effect on people.
 

Edited January 19, 2020 by Juvator

[ant0n]

12 hours ago, Juvator said:

I'm not the best writer but I tried to put it down as I experienced it so you get the best idea of how it was for me.

Thanks for sharing. I don't know how your medication distorts your dreamed messages from yourself to yourself. I wish to bring a possibility of interpretation though. My source is dreammoods.com, a dream interpretation dictionary (which I've used for years). I focused on the main keywords of your dream then looked up their dream interpretation. I hope this helps:

 

To dream that you are vomiting indicates that you need to reject or discard an aspect of your life that is revolting. There are some emotions or concepts that you need to confront and then let go.

To see someone vomiting in your dream signifies the false pretenses of people who are trying to take advantage of you.

To dream that you are blind represents your refusal to see the truth or your lack of awareness to a problem. Perhaps you are rejecting something about yourself or your situation. Are you refusing to see any other point of view except your own? Consider the pun, "turning a blind eye".

To dream of your (sane) skin represents protection or shield of your inner self. It serves as a physical boundary and how close you let others get to you.

To dream that your skin is covered with rashes or other skin deformities signifies your fear of facing a harsh reality. You are afraid of making a wrong impression. The dream may also be a pun that you are making a rash decision.

Dreaming that your skin is melting, deteriorating, or developing holes implies that you are losing your defenses. Your guard is down.

To dream of Russian: consider your own personal associations with the country, language and inhabitants. Alternatively, the dream may be a pun on "rush". Perhaps you need to get moving on some decision or goal. You need to hurry along in some area of your life.

To dream that you have been drugged indicates that you are refusing to take responsibility for your actions. 

To dream that you have an imposter suggests that you are trying to be someone you are not. The dream may be pointing out qualities that are uncharacteristic of your personality.

To dream that you are holding or expressing anger symbolizes frustrations and disappointments in your Self. You tend to repress your negative emotions or project your anger  onto others. You need to look within yourself.  

Being angry in your dream may have been carried over from your waking life. Dreams function as a safe outlet where you can express your strong and/or negative emotions. You are suppressing your anger and aggression, instead of consciously acknowledging them.

To dream about freedom suggests that you are feeling restricted and want to break away from a current situation. Or it is time for you to move out of your comfort zone. Alternatively, the dream may serve as a reminder for you to not take your personal liberties and independence for granted.

To dream that you (want to) kill someone indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control.  Consider the person you (want to kill) and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards her or him in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person (you want to kill). Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to.

To dream that you are a slave suggests that you are not taking charge of your own life. You may be a slave to your job, to your family, to some habit, or to some obsession.

To dream about slavery indicates that you are not utilizing your power. You are putting power in someone else's hands and allowing them to make choices and decide for you. Alternatively, the dream means that you are experiencing a lack of autonomy and independence.

 

 

 

 

[Bendy Demon]

14 hours ago, Juvator said:

I purely take it to help me sleep not really for depression though I do suffer from this as well.

Juvator..I think you answered your own question per se.

This...'sleeping aid' is messing up your brain and influencing the nightmares and I suspect that your dreams may be trying to tell you that it is making you sick and will get worse as time goes by.

Not all brains work the same way and what works for one may be detrimental to another which is why we have a plethora of these things. 

Perhaps you could do your own research into addressing your issues rather than solely relying on pharmaceuticals, all they do is cover up symptoms but don't actually address the real underlying problems.

[Juvator]

@ant0nI have to say that a lot of that is actually the opposite of how I am in real life, these explanations make it sound like I'm someone who lives with his head buried in the sand and that I do not face any of my problems.
But it is quite the opposite, I feel like a lot of what happened in this dream like the anger is pretty logical if this is being done to you hehe. As well as for my skin peeling off, this is also pretty logical if they've kept you in some water tank.

Some of the other explanation are fairly generic as in everyone has these issues in their lives. 
I don't want to discredit these explanations but it does not really connect with me.

 

2 hours ago, Bendy Demon said:

Juvator..I think you answered your own question per se.

This...'sleeping aid' is messing up your brain and influencing the nightmares and I suspect that your dreams may be trying to tell you that it is making you sick and will get worse as time goes by.

Not all brains work the same way and what works for one may be detrimental to another which is why we have a plethora of these things. 

Perhaps you could do your own research into addressing your issues rather than solely relying on pharmaceuticals, all they do is cover up symptoms but don't actually address the real underlying problems.

Well I've never been someone who relies solely on medication, ofc you cannot know these things about me so I appreciate your words of advice.
There's many reason why I can't sleep, overthinking, but more importantly chronic pain this is not something I can solve or adress there's nothing to be done I've spent 15 years fighting this and it's only counterproductive because there is no solution, they don't even know what's wrong with me and they stopped trying to figure it out as well because there's nothing left to be done(at least not with my limited financial means,because that's what happens when you were never able to work because of my physical problems). At some point you have to decide for yourself if I want to have some sort of life then yeah some kind of sleeping aid is worth it.
Because if I don't sleep and don't get any rest then I will have even more pain and it becomes impossible for me to function.  And even after so many years of pain I still do not take any medication for it.

All i've done most of my life is do research into myself because in my opinion personal development is the only thing that is actually important in life.

Edited January 19, 2020 by Juvator

[ant0n]

8 minutes ago, Juvator said:

@ant0nI have to say that a lot of that is actually the opposite of how I am in real life, these explanations make it sound like I'm someone who lives with his head buried in the sand and that I do not face any of my problems.
But it is quite the opposite, I feel like a lot of what happened in this dream like the anger is pretty logical if this is being done to you hehe. As well as for my skin peeling off, this is also pretty logical if they've kept you in some water tank.

Some of the other explanation are fairly generic as in everyone has these issues in their lives. 
I don't want to discredit these explanations but it does not really connect with me.

Fair enough. I too think some of those interpretations are fairly generic. I posted them anyway. Thank you for your feedback.

[White Crane Feather]

21 hours ago, Juvator said:

I'm not the best writer but I tried to put it down as I experienced it so you get the best idea of how it was for me.
I've since learned that apparently the medication Mirtazapine that I'm taking is responsible for this experience.
I'm not really looking to get anything out of this by posting it, but I don't usually have much to post about here so I figured this was an opportunity to share something.
But it is very interesting to know that this medication can actually intensify dreams and that there's a lot commonalities among other people who've taken this medication.

I'm throwing up... Why am I throwing up and why can't I stop? Oh man why do I feel so utterly sick? Am I dying? Why am I throwing up and why can't I see? Is this what dying feels like?

I'm throwing up.. and I can't stop. Why can't I see and why can't I hear? What is happening to me?
Where am I? Who am I?

I want to cry but I can't because I'm throwing up and it just won't stop.

I'm hearing faint muffled noises as if I'm underwater. Slowly I'm starting to realize things about myself. But why? Why am I throwing up and why can't I see or hear?

I can feel some sense of myself returning, enough to realize that I'm throwing up much more than I should, but I can't stop because I feel so incredibly nauseous.
I'm starting to realize that the sounds I hear are voices and there seem to be a lot of them.
But why is it so dark? I feel so utterly lonely.

I start to feel around with my hands and all I can feel are rough surfaces. My hand brushes against my leg and I notice that it hurts and that entire layers of my skin are peeling off like you've been in the water for way too long. I notice that the skin on my body is peeling off everywhere! I frantically start rubbing my body and my skin is just peeling off everywhere This is horrible!! What is happening to me?!! How much time has passed and why am I still throwing up? Am I dreaming?
I'm trying to hear what the voices are saying but it sounds so far away and muffled.

I notice that slowly sound is becoming more clear but I still can't understand what they are saying.
I wish I could just stop throwing up! Someone please help me! Please!!
I hear the voices getting louder until I think I hear someone say “I think he's starting to hear us don't try to speak yet, it will get better”

I try to speak anyway but I can't because I cannot stop throwing up, how long has it been? Hours? Days? What is happening to me?? I hear them laughing. Why? What is so funny about this, I'm dying over here! Why won't they help me?
 

After what seems to have been hours I am finally able to get some proper breaths in to try and speak. And I ask them, what is happening to me? Why can't I see? And why are you laughing?
“It will pass” they say. I realize they have a thick Russian accent. What the hell am I doing in Russia!?!
I try to ask them more questions but I hear them leave again. At least the vomiting is starting to become less violent and I have a minute to breath every now and then.

It must have been hours before they came back but I'm still vomiting and I don't understand how this is possible. I ask them, When will it stop and why can't I see? “You have been drugged” they say.
WHAT? What do you mean I have been drugged I ask them in between throwing up.

They laugh again and say “It's not your fault, it's just bad luck”

Bad luck? Was I in an accident? And is this why I'm blind? “No your vision will come back too”

Have I been in a coma? Is that what this is? They all laugh for a while and talk in Russian until one of them says “Like I said, just bad luck my friend.”

I'm starting to think to myself that something is very wrong here, how is it that I cannot remember anything about myself from before this? What kind of drugs have they given me and why?
I'm starting to get very angry! Why did they do this to me?
My thoughts were racing, trying to piece together what was going on. And still, I had to throw up regularly but at least it was no longer constantly and it did indeed seem like my vision was coming back slowly.
“We will be back in a few hours to check up on you.” I needed to find out why they did this to me but while still being mostly blind and feeling very weak there was nothing I could do and so I waited for them to come back.

After a while I hear footsteps and the door opens once more.

“You should stop rubbing your skin, it will heal eventually.” A kinder voice says.
I had not even realized that I had been constantly rubbing my body and tearing off pieces of skin.

While they were away I had made up a plan in my head, if I wanted to get out of here I had to play along. This was not easy as I was so angry at them for doing this to me! I wanted to hurt them, murder them!! AAARGH!!

But instead I said jokingly, Is this how you treat all your guests? That got a good laugh from them and they sounded genuinely impressed.
They spoke among themselves in Russian then and after some talk they asked, “How is your vision doing?” I lied and said, that I still could not see much, but I saw them very clearly now.

Their attitude towards me seemed to relax more after that and they finally told me why I was here.
“We have kept you drugged and submerged in a tank and had someone impersonate you for the last 4 years to cash your health benefit checks.”
What?! WHAT?! I thought to myself, are you kidding me!!

I did my best not to show my anger and sheer blood lust after this, I wanted to hurt them so badly!
These people were insane! But I told myself to stay calm and asked them why they had decided to let me out then. The same kind person from before told me that they actually felt bad about it and that they were going to let me go.

I felt incredible relief at hearing this and my body was able to start letting go the tension I had been feeling all this time, the vomiting was finally almost gone now and I thought maybe, I might make it out of this.
But I was still skeptic so I kept playing along, what more could I do anyways? I was still very weak and clearly this was an organization who had been doing this to others.

The same person was now addressing me again while the others talked among themselves in Russian. “Put these on please, and after you are dressed we will bring you some food”

After putting on what turned out to be a hospital gown I was indeed brought food and a spoon was put in my hand, the soup smelt really good and I gladly ate some of it.

I'm throwing up... Why am I throwing up and why can't I stop? What is happe.... NO!! NOOO! NO NO NO NO NOOOOO NOT AGAIN! THEY LIED! THOSE ****ERS LIED!

This time my awareness returned much quicker and I was able to make out people speaking in what seemed like Chinese. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream and shout! I wanted to kill them all!
But all I could do was throw up and I realized that god knows how long I had been drugged this time.
It was not going to stop, it was never going to end. This was my life now if you could even call it that. I felt so utterly hopeless, it shattered me, I could not believe that this was real.

I open my eyes and find myself in bed and realize I just had the worst dream of my life...unless I was still drugged and submerged and this was just me dreaming....
 

So if you've been able to read all the way through and hopefully can fill in the blanks of what was going on in this nightmare I would like to add some last words.
Before this I had never experienced anything like this and I'm a very vivid dreamer already and can usually remember a lot. 
But to become aware in utter darkness and silence while all you can do is vomit through every orofice almost without stopping has been the most horrifying experience of my life.
And yeah it turns out that this medication seems to induce nightmares in many people that also suffer from depression and a lot of them describe being stuck in dark rooms or basements and not being able to escape.
It is very interesting to me that this can be induced, I did not even think about it being caused by this medication because before now I did not think there were many things that could really induce more vivid dreaming.

I had several other dreams that night as well which were more pleasant and also much more vivid. I don't know if this medication is worth the nightmares though.
I purely take it to help me sleep not really for depression though I do suffer from this as well.
 

 

I often categorize dreams. It’s just a way to keep track. This would fall in the gone to hell dream category. Lucky I have only had a couple. My thoughts are that the mind conjures these when it dealing with fisheye severe inner conflicts. Those drugs and even some herbs can intensify these things to singularity like intensity.

Look. I am a very big proponent of modern medicine, but the “doctors” prescribing a lot of these types of medication give me severe pause. With many of them there is no humanity or real skill just a flow chart on a computer. Academically I am trained as an economist, it scares me to think of what the pharmaceutical industry and medical associations could be capable of if unchecked.  I would seriously consider consulting many doctors before taking any of those meds unless you are in a dire medical situation. 

 

[Bed of chaos]

Mirtazapine is still a popular sleeping medication. At least where I live the generic is cheap (even without insurance) I've taken a low dose for years and sleep fine. It's not for everybody. I've mentioned in another post, the bureaucracy of finding that 'right' drug could take weeks/months. Ambien is in another class (controlled substance) and could create insane hallucinations (I had it prescribed for weeks) however some swear by it and sleep fine. You mentioned md doubled dose. I dont have crystal ball but would guess that's ur problem. As others mentioned, you should contact doctor. Good luck.

Edited January 20, 2020 by Bed of chaos

[Juvator]

14 hours ago, Bed of chaos said:

Mirtazapine is still a popular sleeping medication. At least where I live the generic is cheap (even without insurance) I've taken a low dose for years and sleep fine. It's not for everybody. I've mentioned in another post, the bureaucracy of finding that 'right' drug could take weeks/months. Ambien is in another class (controlled substance) and could create insane hallucinations (I had it prescribed for weeks) however some swear by it and sleep fine. You mentioned md doubled dose. I dont have crystal ball but would guess that's ur problem. As others mentioned, you should contact doctor. Good luck.

I am indeed in search of what fits for me because for the time being I could use something to help me sleep until things calm down here, which is a matter of months I think.
But I've tried a few things yeah and so far nothing really fits, I took 30mg last night and I didn't sleep at all. But I need to give it a bit more time, but it may be that I will try something else once more.
Ideally not something that's a "pam" But the idea of anti depressant sleep medication also does not make me happy. 

I took a high dose of Sertraline 250mg for like 5 years and getting off it was the worst thing, even after 6 months of fully being off it I still experienced side effects.
I have to deal with severe chronic pain without an indication which means I cannot get the help or medication I need because there's no diagnosis and this has been the situation for many many years now.

Edited January 20, 2020 by Juvator

[Bed of chaos]

Sorry to hear. I get low dose of 'pam' prescribed once or twice a year (for panic attacks). We had saying (when I worked in pharmacy) 'same church, different pew'. Anyway, yes, you definitely have to be careful with 'church'. It can be very addictive and I've seen many fall from grace. If you have good relationship with md hopefully he/she will find something that works. Peace.

[Juvator]

2 hours ago, Bed of chaos said:

Sorry to hear. I get low dose of 'pam' prescribed once or twice a year (for panic attacks). We had saying (when I worked in pharmacy) 'same church, different pew'. Anyway, yes, you definitely have to be careful with 'church'. It can be very addictive and I've seen many fall from grace. If you have good relationship with md hopefully he/she will find something that works. Peace.

Aye exactly. I've got a good relationship with my md yeah. It took some years but he's knows me best and switching would only be in my disadvantage.