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quiXilver

I'm tired, boss.

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quiXilver

Tired of people being ugly to each other.

 

Haven't read the book, or seen the film, but this quote just piercingly described the source of my youthful anger and unfolded piercingly, the still moist raw wound that clearly abides in the core of mind-heart.  I'm tired.  After the decades of effort, seeking, study, pursuit, exploration of all that arises within... reading countless books, studying with and under incredible men and women.  Abiding in nature learning from trees, insects, animals and stones...  still this pain.

 

Coupled by another dozen years of raw acceptance, baseline acknowledgement, release, relentless doubtful release and the unignorable healing, blissful, clarity and joy...

 

and yet, this one quote, reveals the familiar, intimate wound.

core of my anger.

 

love

 

still as raw, piercing, relentless and savage as the first encounter

 

how can so much sorrow arise from such love?

how many layers?...

 

i'm so tired... of people being ugly to each other.

i'm tired of all the pain i feel and hear in the world.

There's too much of it.

 

I have been peeling this onion for decades.

Relentlessly grabbed it, grappled with it and as a young man, started wrending it open.

Systematically, layer by layer.  Undeterred through innately knowing with absolute certainty that I'd pull each one away

and be left someday with the real me.

 

the truth.

the essence.

 

just the real me,

it was there... i could almost taste it!

the one I could always sense was about to arrive, just around the corner... when  I'd get it and life would start for real, click into place and i would know... I'd arrived.  This is it!

 

tomorrow at the park maybe... or in the next chapter of the book in my lap... or in the branches of the tree I'd climb later... or on the cushion in silence, with my cat kneeding biscuits on my knees...  always could I sense its impending arrival, its near presence.

 

and so I kept pulling and hacking at it and layers kept coming off

always making progress back then... progress

so much progress...

learning, gathering, relentlessly seeking... everywhere, anywhere

 

and always more layers

 

man did i freaking shred it at times

i frenzied into it

drew some folks to me through it

pushed others away

 

always more layers

 

tried to give up on it

 

bargained with it

 

begged it

layers and layers, shredded and wrent

 

 

tried to ignore it

tried to forget it

 

and then eventually

finally grown so tired, my grasp relented


and

i let it go

 

layers unfolded away then in cascade...

like petals dropping from a spent flower..

effortless, joyfully, blissfully...

is this it then?

 

the last layer?

i know damn well the core of this onion harbors no thing!

is this it?

 

 

 

and yet... these simple words, shared by a man known for making his living telling horror stories... unrelentingly reveals an undeniable reflection.  A connection to the core of real horror that we clearly share, he and i. 

 

this pain that endures yet...

even with all the healing...

this wound i somehow maintain within...

inertia of sorrowful love

 

 

*sigh*  this is it.

and the simple truth of this

another layer...

 

this truly is it... even now

as now

 

and it's ok

 

So much yet to unlearn.

 

So much yet to let go of...

 

“I'm tired, boss.

Tired of being on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain.

I'm tired of never having me a buddy to be with to tell me where we's going to, coming from, or why.

Mostly, I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world...every day.

There's too much of it!

It's like pieces of glass in my head... all the time.

Can you understand? ...”

 

Steven King ~ The Green Mile

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Scholar4Truth

Its been awhile but I remember seeing The Green Mile. John Coffee says that right before Tom Hanks takes him to the electric chair. Even Tom Hanks cried in that scene. 

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