Official Unified Jokes Thread

[mypaddedroom]

Did you hear about the new birth control mints? If you are to take them after you have sex then you are in a PREDICKA*MINT*!

haha.

[Elvis]

LOL poor guy...

As for my earlier joke about the cow I apologise fror any confusion and thank Jesus_Freak for clearing it all up!

492669[/snapback]

No need to apologise Elvis my friend, it was just me being as bright as a four watt bulb..lol..

494008[/snapback]

LOL

Why did the one-eyed chicken cross the road?

To get to the Birdseye shop

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To meet its flatmate

Why did the duck cross the road?

Because it was the chicken's day off

Why did the polar bear cross the road?

Don't be daft, you don't have roads in the Antartic!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens were't invented yet...

Hope you're all in hysterics

[mypaddedroom]

Q: Why did the blonde nurse take a red marker to work?

A: In case she had to draw blood.

[Bone_Collector]

Boy it's Dark in Here

This little boy hid in his parents bedroom closet as he wanted to see what

took place in their room when the doors were locked.

As he peeked thru the slats of the closet door he saw his mother and her

boyfriend going at it. Suddenly the boys father comes home. The wife

wisks her boyfriend off into the closet - the same closet her son is in.

After several minutes the boy says to the man, "Boy it's dark in here."

Shocked, the man just nods his head in agreement. After a few more minutes

the boy says "Wanna buy my baseball glove?" The man asks "How much?" In

reply the boy says $50. The man agrees. Several more minutes pass when

the boy asks the man if he'd like to buy his baseball bat for $50 as well.

The man reluctantly agrees.

After the father departs, the woman takes her boyfriend out of the closet,

and too upset too continue she sends him on his way.

The next morning at the breakfast table the little boy pulls out a roll

of money and begins counting it. The mother asks "Where did that come

from?, to which her son replied "Can't say." The mother asks again and

upon his refusal to tell she tells her son to get in the car.

The mother takes the boy to church and tells him to get into the confessional

and tell the priest where he got the money. When the priest slid the

door over the boy said"Boy it's dark in here, to which the priest replied,

"Don't start that sh** again!"

[Bone_Collector]

Embarassing Situations

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the

bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to

her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for

a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No,

I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at

them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and

he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see,

I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond

to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean

$200?"

[Silent-Storm]

The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip.

The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.

She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck.

He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?"

"Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."

[Silent-Storm]

Heres some one liner's..

Why is it hard to have a conversation with a goat?

It's always butting in.

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth Pics.

What did the mother buffalo say to her son before she left?

Bison.

What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails!

What is at the end of everything?

The letter g.

What do you call a pig that does karate?

Pork chop.

How do you turn soup into gold?

Add 24 carrots.

How do you spell mousetrap with three letters?

C- A- T

What do you call a computer superhero?

A screen saver.

[Silent-Storm]

This milkman sees a note on the door of one of his blonde customers. The note asks for 100 quarts of milk. Thinking this a mistake, the milkman rings her doorbell and asks about the 100 quarts.

She says, "Yes, I need 100 quarts. On the talk show I saw last night they said milk baths are good for the skin."

The milkman asks, "Do you want it PASTURIZED?".

She answers, "No...up to my shoulders will be sufficient!"...

[Silent-Storm]

Go on then, just one more..

Top 10 things to do to telemarketers!

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the h-l she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends ....would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say good bye - and Hang up.

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

1. And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

[What_the_deal?]

So...these three blondes walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender comes over to them and they order their drinks. They appear to be celebrating, so the bartender asks them what the occasion is. One of them replies, "We just finished a puzzle in three months, and the box said 'four years and up' on it!"

Sorry...the only jokes I know are blonde jokes...

[Me_Again]

Where is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

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Kids In Church

After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to set down and listen."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Money for the Preacher

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Say the Blessing

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Philosophy is to the real world as m********ion is to sex.

- Karl Marx

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

- Lucille S. Harper

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

- Woody Allen

[scipherel]

Q: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

A: Princess Diana's death.

Q: How come?

A: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is posted by a certified Internet Alien

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that use Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friend, is Globalization

[Silent-Storm]

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."..

[Elfstone810]

Here's one my friend Di told me.

A postulate went to an abbey to ask to join. The Mother Superior invited her to sit and have tea while they talked about it. They sat down and a young nun came in with the tea tray. The Mother Superior said, "this is Sister Rose. She came to us as a baby. A rose petal fell on her dear little head, so we named her Rose."

A moment later another young nun came in with a tray of tea cakes. "This is Sister Lily," Mother Superior said. "She also came to us as a baby. A lily fell on her dear little head, so we named her Lily."

Finally a third young nun came shambling into the room carrying the sugar bowl. She wandered around aimlessly, ran into the chairs, finally stumbled up to the table, dropped the sugar bowl and stood there grunting. Mother Superior said,

"Thank you, Sister Wardrobe, that will be all."

[Silent-Storm]

LMAO, i like that one Elfstone810..

I was reading threw them all last night, i had a brilliant laugh, your all fab....

...........KEEP EM CUMIN...............

[Elfstone810]

Okay, these are some of the oldest blonde jokes around, but I'm going to post them anyway in case some of you young whippersnappers haven't heard them:

Q: Why don't blondes like to bake chocolate chip cookies?

A: It takes too long to peel the M&Ms.

Two blondes were driving in the country. One said, "Hey! Look at that cow with one eye!" and the other one (covering one eye) said, "Where? Where?"

Did you hear about the two blondes who died at the drive-in? They went to see Closed For The Season and froze to death waiting for the show to start.

Last week they found a forty-year-old blonde in a closet.

She was playing hide-and-seek when she was nine and nobody found her.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair?

A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?

A: Blow in her ear. (Think about it.)

Once there was a blonde who got tired of being called dumb all the time. She dyed her hair red and was so pleased because it made her look smart that she went for a drive in the country to celebrate. Driving her convertible along a narrow dirt road, she stopped to admire a flock of sheep in a field. The farmer, seeing her stop, came over to ask if she needed directions or something.

"Oh, no," she said, "I was just admiring those beautiful sheep. Are they yours?"

The farmer admitted that they were.

"They're adorable. Say, if I can guess exactly how many sheep are in that flock, will you give me one?"

The farmer was amused and didn't think she could so he agreed. She considered.

"Well, given the acreage, and the forage, and the terrain here, I'm going to guess that you have 427 sheep in that field."

The farmer was amazed, because she was exactly right. She asked him if that meant she got one of the sheep and he shrugged and said, "Well, a deal's a deal. Go pick one out."

The woman went over and picked out the prettiest, fluffiest animal in the field, carried it back and put it in her back seat.

"Now it's my turn," the farmer said. "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using your computer.

A: By the white-out on the screen.

And finally . . .

One day a blonde walked into a bank in New York City and asked to speak to the loan officer. He introduced himself and she said, "I have to go to Europe on business and I need to borrow $500."

"Well," he said, "do you have any collatteral?"

"Yes," she replied, "I have a brand new Porsche. It's parked just outside, and here is the title. I think you'll find that it's all in order."

The loan officer blinked. "You want to use a brand new Porsche as collatteral for a $500 loan?"

"Yes, will that be all right?"

He agreed that that would work as collatteral and she took the money, handed over the car keys and left. The loan officer went out himself to put the car into the bank's underground garage and for the next few weeks they snickered at her for using such an expensive car to secure such a little loan.

A month later the blonde returned, paid the loan plus interest, which amounted to $26, and got her car keys.

"Tell me something," the loan officer said. "I checked up on you while you were gone and you're a very wealthy woman. Why would you need to use your car to get a $500 loan?"

The blonde smiled at him and said,

>

>

>

>

>

<

<

"Where else in New York City can I park a car for a month for $26 and know that it'll be there when I get back?"

[Elfstone810]

Oh, yeah, sorry. One more joke. (That last blonde joke reminded me of it.)

One day a frog walked into a bank and asked to see the loan officer. The teller directed him to a woman named Patricia Whack. The frog went into her office, hopped up on her desk and said, "how do you do, Ms. Whack? My name is Kermit Jagger and I'd like to borrow $20,000 to go on holiday."

Patricia said, "wha . . . huh?????"

"But it's okay," the frog continued. "My father is Mick Jagger and I know your bank president personally."

Patricia pulled herself together a bit, shuffled some papers around and said, "um, well, uh, we'd need some collateral . . ."

"Certainly," the frog said. "Here you are." He handed her a miniature porcelaine elephant the size of a thimble.

Patricia said, "ohhhh-KAY! I'm just going to have to talk to the bank president about this first."

"Of course," the frog said easily.

Patricia backed out of her office and scurried down the hall to the bank president's office. "Sir," she said, "you won't believe this! There's a frog in my office and he says he knows you and his name is Kermit Jagger and Mick Jagger's his father and he wants to borrow $20,000 to go on holiday and this is what he gave me for collateral! Would you look at this? I mean, what is this, anyway???"

The bank president sighed and shook his head and said,

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack! Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

[scipherel]

Don't know if this one will passed the board.

I cancelled this one, how come it is posted ?

Edited February 24, 2005 by scipherel

[*MoG*]

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, which part of

the human body increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should

not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up looking around nervously, and said, "The

body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of

the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy."

Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind,Second, you didn't read your homework, And Third, one day you are going to be very disappointed !!"

[scipherel]

A sales rep, an administration clerk

and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says,

"I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.

"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,

without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.

"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,

an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always let your boss have the first say!!!

[AliceCoopersGirl]

Reasons to Drink at Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

[AliceCoopersGirl]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well,? Is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice.

"No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well,? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesman."

"A battery salesman?", cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied, "She sells 'C' cells by the sea shore.

[Silent-Storm]

LOL, i liked that one ACG, brill..

[Me_Again]

red hot pickup lines

Excuse me, is that a space suit you're wearing, because your a** is out of this world.

Do you believe in love at first sight?.....Or do I have to walk by again

Did you know that Jesus loves you? And if you want my second name, I'm right over there by the bar.

Do you sleep on your stomach?..... No?.....Can I ?

Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cuz I can easily see myself in your pants.

Do you have a quarter? Cuz I promised I would call my mother as soon as I fell in love.

Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

Your legs must be tired cuz you've been running through my mind all night.

Excuse me, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?

If I follow you home, will you keep me?

Have you ever been licked until tears rolled from your eyes?

Pardon me, but may I attempt to seduce you?

Lick finger, and rub it on the clothing of the person, then rub it on yours. Just a light touch will do. "So, what do you say we get out of these wet clothes..."

I like every bone in your body, especially mine.

You're too sweet and innocent. Here, let me help you get rid of some of it.

I'd crawl on my hands and knees over broken glass to here you fart through a walkie-talkie.

Hey, I may not be Fred Filnstone but I could make your bed rock.

You know what I like about you? My arms.

With one touch I could make you make sounds only a dog could hear.

If I gave you a negligee for your birthday, would there be anything in it for me?

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

(Grab his/her tush.) Pardon me, is this seat taken?

If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

[mypaddedroom]

One day the toothbrush was in the bathroom complaining about his job. He said,"Dang I just hate it I have the worst job ever!"

"That's what you think." Says he toilet paper.