Official Unified Jokes Thread

[Murdison]

I was strapped for cash at the time so I went to the local sperm bank to make a quick buck. When I got there I said to the nurse "Do I get paid now or later?" To which she replied, "No! You must work a week in hand?".

[mypaddedroom]

I must be dumb I don't get it^

[Murdison]

I must be dumb I don't get it^

502540[/snapback]

Well I sure aint gonna draw you any diagrams?..........

[scipherel]

A sign in the toilet.

" No job is finished till the paper work is done "

[scipherel]

Telephone answering machine message, "If you want to buy marijuana,

press the hash key."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he

couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "You're right,

the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli after he was pulled in by a

strong currant.

A man woke up in hospital after a serious accident. He

shouted, "Doctor, doctor. I can't feel my legs!" The doctor

replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were cold. They lit a fire in the

craft, it sank, proving once and for all you can't have your kayak

and heat it too.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc

says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is

there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's

have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,

then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put

him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's

really heavy".

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5

people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum

or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-

Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round."

The other one says, "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the

other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other

replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,

the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Blonde overheard saying, "You know, somebody actually complimented

me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.

It said, "Parking Fine". So that was nice."

[scipherel]

A Chassidic Jew walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer.

He explains that he is going to Europe on business for two weeks

and needs to borrow $2,000.

The bank officer says, "We will need some kind of security for such a loan."

The Chassid hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked in front of the bank.

The Bank does a registration check with NYDIV.

Everything checks out.

The Officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

While the Chassid is away the Bank realizes their client is a multimillionaire.

So several weeks later when the Chassid returns,

repays the $2,000 and the interest which comes to $5.41, the loan officer questions,

"Why would you bother to borrow $2,000? You are very wealthy."

The Chassid replies,

"Parking. Where can you park in midtown Manhattan for two weeks for only five dollars plus change?"

Scipherel! That's my blonde joke, just changed a little!

sorry, don't know.

Edited March 3, 2005 by scipherel

[Elfstone810]

!

Scipheral! That's my blonde joke, just changed a little!

[Werewolf of Doom]

I wanna get or make a sign for my room that says:

Pets welcome

Children must be leashed

[Werewolf of Doom]

What is male and felmale, black and white, and walks backwards and forwards at the same time?

Michael Jackson

[mypaddedroom]

I heard Michael Jackson was at wal mart today. ALL THE KIDS CLOTHES WERE HALF OFF!

[cor_raven]

good one tu pac

[antiaging]

LMAO, brilliant, there all brill, keep em coming..

491314[/snapback]

Philosophical Thoughts:

To do is to be. --Descartes

To be is to do. --Jean Paul Sartre

Do be do be do. -- Frank Sinatra

Definition of a farmer:

A person outstanding in his field.

Edited March 1, 2005 by antiaging

[Snowbaby]

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer.

One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was

drinking an extremely large glass of milk.

The young man said "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says "it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."

The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have

a bull!"

[Bone_Collector]

[Subtemperate]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in africa. He tok with him his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering around, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund things...OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

hearing this, the leopard halts his attack mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "whew" says the leopard "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him going after the leopard with great speed and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of, and says "here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on its back, and thinks "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Moral of the story: Sometimes if you cant dazzle them with brilliance, or stun them with science...then baffle them with bull****

[mypaddedroom]

Nice that was good one props hahah!

[mypaddedroom]

How do psychiatrists say hello to each other?

"You are fine, how am I?"

[AliceCoopersGirl]

A very heavy blonde went to the clinic to lose weight. The Doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days, then skip a day. Come back in four weeks and you will have lost at least 4 pounds.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The Doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now"?

I'm so sore and tired. My muscles ache all over!

Doctor: From not eating?

"No...from skipping"

Edited March 8, 2005 by AliceCoopersGirl

[AliceCoopersGirl]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter

dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey!

Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t

pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I’m a PANDA!

Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the

following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by

distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

[AliceCoopersGirl]

What is the difference between a dog and a cat?

A dog lives in your house and sees that you give it food and water and says to itself, "Wow, these beings give me food and water without my having to do anything. They must be gods!"

A cat lives in your house and sees that you give it food and water and says to itself, "Wow, these beings give me food and water without my having to do anything. I must be a god!"

[The Roswell Man]

Countdown

After months of ill-health, a man goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. ‘I'm afraid I have some very bad news,’ says the physician. ‘You're dying, and you don't have much time left.’ ‘Oh, that's terrible!’ says the man. ‘How long have I got?’ ‘Ten,’ the doctor replies, shaking his head. ‘Ten?’ the man asks. ‘Ten what? Months? Weeks? What do you mean?’ The doctor looks at him sadly. ‘Nine …’

[mypaddedroom]

I don't get it ^

[Elvis]

I don't get it ^

516344[/snapback]

*sigh*

The guy had 10 seconds to live.

Geddit now?

[Scorpius]

Good one, The Roswell Man.

I had a good joke... forgot what it was now... I'll come back to tell it later on.

[Elfstone810]

Okay, here's some I stole from some old BC cartoons.

Our town was so small, the truck stop was a nail!

Our town was so small, the town square was a triangle.

Our town was so dull, the police department had an unlisted number.

Our town was so small, the Burma Shave sign had to rhyme with the speed limit.

Q: What do you get if you cross a seamstress with a donkey?

A: A person who hems and haws.

Q: What do you get if you cross a beagle with a mortician?

A: An animal that hounds you to death.

Q: What do you get if you cross a wolf with a donkey?

A: An animal that eats a path to your door.