Official Unified Jokes Thread

[Doctor_Strangelove]

An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks," the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; do not, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it, somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak:

"Tag! You're it!"

[TheCrow]

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob, if we don't get support soon people are gonna think we're nuts.

[tigger]

How to Get Time Off work when you have no leave left.

I urgently needed a few days holiday, but because I didn't have any

leave due to me, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take any time off. I

thought that maybe if I acted 'Mad' then he would tell me to take a few

days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending

to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'Mad' and give me a

few days off.

A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What are

you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "'You are mad - take a few days off". I jumped down and walked

out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her "...

and where are you going?"

She said "I can't work in the dark!!"

boom boom

[pinkngold]

Ok...I will tell my original one first....Why does the Avon lady walk so slow? Her lipstick.

[pinkngold]

What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor? Where the hell is my tractor! Two blondes were walking down the street when one noticed a compact on the ground. She picked it up, opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hey! I know her!" The other one grabbed the compact, looked and replied, "Thats me, stupid!"

Edited March 31, 2005 by pinkngold

[Elfstone810]

Ok...I will tell my original one first....Why does the Avon lady walk so slow?  Her lipstick.

549773[/snapback]

Ummmm, do you mean talk so slow?

(Are you a blonde??? )

[TheCrow]

If a blonde girl and a stone are thrown from a bridge which one lands first?

The stone because the blonde girl stops to ask directions...

[TheCrow]

A man walked in to the doctors with a steering wheel down his pants. The doctor said, "Jesus, what's wrong with you?" and he replied "I don't know but it's driving me nuts"

A man walked into his local butchers and and asked,

"What happened to your assistant?"

"He kept putting his **** in the bacon slicer so I sacked him"

"What happened to the bacon slicer?"

"I sacked her aswell"

[Deathbadger11]

A man was in a car accident yesterday the next morning he woke up and said Doctor doctor I cant feel my legs and the doctor said Of course not I had to cut off your arms.

[Yona]

Make a joke about two balls? Are you nuts? I'd get sacked!

[warden]

What do you call a chinese taxi driver

loup in

[Gabriel]

Ok...I will tell my original one first....Why does the Avon lady walk so slow? Her lipstick.

Ummmm, do you mean talk so slow?

(Are you a blonde??? )

I dont know i think that one freakin greatif u think about it. i cant stop laughing.LOL sorry i dont mean to be bad.

[Fox Lupine]

A blone gets off of the phone and is extremaly annoyed, as a freind on the other end has made more than her fair share of blond jokes at her already this morning. As she leaves the house she see's another blond trying to paddle through the field opposite in a rowing boat. The first blond runs up to the gate and leans over, completely livid.

"Hey! Bimbo! Whats wrong with you? It's blonds like you who give us a bad name" she snarled "If I could swim I'd come over there and drown you!"

[Elfstone810]

A biker was on his way home when his Harley broke down, so he wheeled it into a shop. Unfortunately it needed a part and they said it'd be the next day before they could fix it. He said that was okay, as he lived close, he'd just walk home.

A couple blocks from his house there was a street market, so he stopped to look around and wound up buying a bucket, an anvil, a goose and two chickens. Then he remembered he was walking and groaned. "Oh, great! How am I going to carry all this?"

The guy selling the livestock suggested, "well, you could put the anvil in the bucket and carry it in your left hand, tuck a chicken under each arm and pick up the goose in your right hand."

The biker tried it and agreed that it would work, since he lived close. He turned away and started for home, but then a little old lady came up to him and said, "excuse me, but can you tell me how to find 1602 Lincoln Street?"

The biker said, "Yes, ma'am. In fact, I live at 1608 Lincoln, so if you come with me I can point it out to you. We just need to cut through this alley."

The old lady hesitated. "I don't know, young man. I'm just a lonely old widow lady with no husband to protect me. If we go in the alley, what's to stop you from pushing me up against the wall and having your way with me?"

The biker said, "Oh, for cripe's sake! Lady, look at me! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose! How am I supposed to push you up against the wall and have my way with you?"

"Well," the old lady replied, "you put the goose on the ground, turn the bucket upside down over it, weight it down with the anvil and I'll hold the chickens!"

Edited April 20, 2005 by Elfstone810

[Deathbadger11]

There was two cows in a field and one said to another"What do you think of the mad cow disease" The other said"It dont bother me im a tractor

[_Nyx_]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and said, "I can't sweetie, I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by the boy's shaky little voice, "The big sissy."

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake. "Sweetheart," the barber says, "you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." "I know", replies the little girl, "and I'm gonna get boobs, too."

[AliceCoopersGirl]

Satan's souls

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled

up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began

dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"

said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he

thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to

investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for

you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my goodness!" he shuddered, "It's Satan

and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St.

Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said,

"Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for

you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've

been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see

anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for

me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the

fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

[AliceCoopersGirl]

Would You Kill My Wife

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was

her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make

$50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and

the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a

couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

[roo21]

Because he's a man...

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.

AA/RAC is not an option. I will win!

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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.

If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start."

We will then drink beer as a form of holy communion.

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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator) ....applies to engineers mainly.

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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either women, cars, or sport. I have to make up something else when you ask and that is hard, so don't ask.

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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

______________________________________________

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men

[Bone_Collector]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that ???" asked the surprised bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish - just one."

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks !"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ??? "

[warden]

Three men get caught with indians and are told they are going to die ,but just before their death they are allowed one last request

The first man ask`s for a ciggaret ,smokes it then thud an arrow right through the heart

The second man ask`s for a bottle of whisky,he drinks it and thud an arrow right through the heart

The third man ask`s for a sqaw to out his penis and place a slice of bread on either side of his penismhe then ask`s the sqaw to jump up and down while holding the bread,confused the chief comes over and ask`s the guy what he is doing, the guy replies`white man come in peace`

[mypaddedroom]

haha THat's a nice one!

[+Paranoid Android]

Here's a shortish one...

Two blonde's were standing on opposite sides of a river. There was no bridge and seemed to be no way to get across. So one blonde yells to the other - "HEY, HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE", to which a reply comes back from the other one - "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE".

[+Paranoid Android]

Three men walk into a bar - a priest, a rabbi, and a monk.

The bartender looks at the three of them, and says - "What's this, some sort of joke?"

[+Paranoid Android]

I copied this joke from Funny.com - it's fairly long, but well worth the read.

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."