Official Unified Jokes Thread

[Kryso]

A man walks into a bar with a sandwich on his shoulder.

The bartender turns, looks at him and says, ''Sorry sir, we don't serve food here!!''

Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.

8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

[AliceCoopersGirl]

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl.

The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

[Me_Again]

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. *Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

16. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And a woman's gotta do what he can't.

[Snowbaby]

Two drunks were staggering home along a railway line.

“This is the longest staircase I’ve ever climbed, moaned one.

“It certainly is,” slurred his body. “And the banister’s so low; my back’s killing me.”

[mypaddedroom]

That's a good one! ^

[_Nyx_]

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state:

Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from

her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at

them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag

and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at

them!"

Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and PUSHED the New Yorker

out.

[Mr. Fahrenheit]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[GoddessWhispers]

One afternoon a blonde was driving her convertible corvette through the countryside when she happened to see another blond sitting in a row boat in the middle of a fallow field, rowing for her life.

The blonde in the car was outraged and immediately pulled onto the shoulder and jumped out of her car, screaming; "Hey you in the row boat!"

The rowing blonde turned, looking quite perplexed, never missing a stroke and stared at the screaming woman.

The outraged blonde continued her tirade; "It's women like you that help create all those stupid blonde jokes! And if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

[girty1600]

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: The fish

[final flight]

2 guys walk into a bar...

You think the second guy would see it

[djdodo]

Men Vs. Women Jokes

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[darkninja]

Little Billy woke up one Saturday morning on the farm and his mother sent him out to do his chores. Billy did not want to do his chores but obeyed his mother and headed out the door. While he was feeding the pigs, though, Billy, ticked off about having to do these chores, kicked one of the pigs. While feeding the chickens, he also kicked a chicken. And then when he was feeding the cows, he went and kicked one of them too. He then headed inside to eat his breakfast, but sat down at the table only to find a slice of toast and a bowl of dry cereal. "Mom,"he asked "Where are my bacon and eggs? And the milk for my cereal???" "Well," his mother replied "While you were feeding the pigs I saw that you kicked one so you will not get any bacon for a week. When you fed the chickens you kicked one of them so you are not getting eggs for a week. And then you kicked a cow so you won't be having any milk for a week". Just at that moment Billy's father came down the stairs and after almost tripping over the family cat, he kicked her across the room. Billy, smiling, turned to his mother and asked "Do you want to tell him or should I?"

[cerberus]

A hungry Duck walks into a bar.

The Duck asks the bartender, got any bread mate?

Bartender says 'no'.

The Duck again says, got any bread mate?

Bartender says 'no, sorry'.

The Duck asks the bartender again, got any bread mate?

Bartender says 'For the final time, no. If you don't pi*s off right now, i'm going to nail your beak to the bar, you annoying irritating bast*rd bird!!!'

The Duck says, got any nails?

Bartender says '****'.

[GoddessWhispers]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the kock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the kock went missing! The priest knew that kock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a kock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a kock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a kock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY kock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When animals attack:

Edited May 14, 2005 by GoddessWhispers

[mypaddedroom]

I hope this joke ain't to bad... I found it on a website.

What do you do when a darn male dog is humping your leg?

WACK HIM OFF!

[darkninja]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the kock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the kock went missing!  The priest knew that kock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a kock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a kock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a kock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY kock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

622194[/snapback]

This is one of the best ever...

[mypaddedroom]

Question: Where do you guys get your jokes from?

[Ria]

David Beckham is on top of the main stand at Old Trafford ready to jump off after a nightmare first half of the Premiership and World Cup campaign. He's lost the World Cup for England by getting himself sent off and everyone and his dog hates him, Posh spice has dumped him for Michael Owen and Man United have put him on the transfer market for ten quid because he's playing rubbish.

As he's about to jump off Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder and asks "Are you OK David?"

David explains how his life is a mess and gets ready to jump!

"STOP!" shouts father Christmas. "I'll grant you any three wishes on the understanding that you do me a favour."

"That would be top!" says Beckham. "Cheers Father Christmas, thank you, thankyou."

So Beckham lists his three wishes which are:

1) In the Argentina match he didn't kick the argy but shoots from the freekick and scores. ENGLAND go on to win the World Cup and he is a National Hero.

2) He marries posh spice and lives in happiness for evermore.

3) He is made best footballer in the world by FIFA and his wages go up to a million a week.

Father Christmas says OK all your wishes are granted. "Oh thank you thank you!!!" says Beckham. "What do I have to do?"

Father Christmas tells Beckham to drop his pants and bend over.

After a brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks Beckham how old he is.

"24" replies Beckham.

"You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!!" laughs the fat gay Man City fan.

[mypaddedroom]

Bee Jokes for the Pollen in You

What is the clumsiest insect?

The Bumbling Bee.

What did the Bee say when he returned to the hive?

"Honey, I'm Home!"

What is a bee's favorite band?

The Bee Gees.

What was their #1 song?

"Stay in the Hive."

CURRENT RATING: You rated this joke a "1". This joke has been rated 127 times. Its new rating is 2.42 (out of 5)

[cerberus]

A young Iraqi striker is spotted by scouts and signs for Liverpool for £5m.

In his first game, he scores an amazing hat-trick in 15 minutes, to cap a remarkable game in which Liverpool were 3-0 down, and won 4-3.

The Iraqi guy calls his mum to tell her the great news..

She isn't very impressed.

The young Iraqi asks whats wrong.

The mum says, 'Well, while you were out having fun, your dad got shot in a fly-by incident, your sister sold her body for money and your brother joined a gang of looters.'

The young Iraqi guy says 'I'm sorry, mum.. i don't know what to say'..

So the mum replies.. 'Well, you are the one who suggested the family move to Liverpool..'

[cerberus]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .

12) The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

[mypaddedroom]

^ haha That's some good 1's

[djdodo]

A Dog and A Cat!!

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a

nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a

nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

[mypaddedroom]

^haha that was good! I gotta remember that one haha

[Dr1273]

The Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead

sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat

down,

but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket

towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the

theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest

dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her

place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The

guy

is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to

every

guy you meet? "

"No," she replies. . . . .

Wait for it.

It's coming. . .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye."