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Saru

Official Unified Jokes Thread

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zudo

nice one fox

I never got that one socrates...

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justcallmefox

I really do love this country, but...

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

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mypaddedroom

Dogpile.com

This is onw of the stupidest jokes I ever heard via Dogpile.com.

I am not offended by dumb blonde jokes says the blonde girl who died her hair black. I am not dumb and no longer blonde... unsure.gif

Well this is my last post for the day goodnight at 3:30Am here sleepy.gif

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merlinhoot

Well it is 536am here and I'm just getting started. grin2.gif

I've saved these over the years in a text file on D:/ drive

Soup Ladle

Karl invited his mother over for dinner. During

the meal, his mother eyed his beautiful roommate,

suspicious that there was more than just a "roommate"

situation going on.

Karl saw her staring at Ellen. "I know what you're

thinking, mom, but Ellen and I are just friends."

A week later, Ellen said, "Karl, ever since your

mother came to dinner, I can't find the silver soup

ladle. Surely she wouldn't have taken it, would she?"

"I really don't think so," Karl replied. "I'll write

her a letter to ask, though." He got a sheet of paper,

sat down, and wrote, "Dear Mom, I'm not saying you took

our silver soup ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't

take it. But our soup ladle has been missing ever since

you came to dinner."

A few days later, he received a reply from his mother.

"Dear son, I'm not saying that you're sleeping with

Ellen, and I'm not saying that you're not sleeping with

Ellen. But if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would

have found the soup ladle by now. Love, Mom."

========================================

What does a guy named Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

===============================

25 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th

anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife

asked the husband,

"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through

your mind?"

The husband replied,

"All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

=================================

"Animals have rights. Animals have rights to garlic, butter and cooking

on both sides." - Ted Nugent

=======================================

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad

attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth

was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to

change the bird's attitude by consistently saying polite words, playing soft

music, and anything he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John got fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The bird yelled back.

John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. John threw his

hands up in desperation, grabbed the bird and put it in the

refrigerator freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked

and screamed, and then suddenly there was quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the bird,

John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped

out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended

you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do every

thing I can do to correct my rude behavior."

John was stunned at the bird's change in attitude. As he was about to ask

the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird

continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Office Memo

Subject: Merry Christmas

I received this and thought that this shows how far the majority has caved

in to the vocal minorities.

This sums it up. . . . this is what we have become, nothing is simple

anymore! !

December 1st

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place

on

December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked

eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols. . . feel free to sing

along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus

to

light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done

at

that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis

Human Resources Director

December 2nd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We

recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with

Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're

calling it our "Holiday Party. " The same policy applies to employees who

are

celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no

Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis

Human Resources Director

December 3rd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics

Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this

request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA

Only, " you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the

gifts

exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is

too much money.

Patty Lewis

Human Researchers Director

December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the

dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are

allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay

men; each will have their table.

Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy

now?

Patty Lewis Human

Racehorses Director

December 9th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play

Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan, "

there

is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit. "

Patty Lewis

Human Ratraces

December 10th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians-I've had it with you people! ! We're going to hold this party

at

Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table

farthest from the "grill of death, " as you put it, and you'll get salad

bar

only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have

feelings,

too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm

hearing

them right now. . . Ha!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

December 14th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery

from

her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at

the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our

Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full

pay.

Happy Holidays!

Terri Bishop

Acting Human Resources Director

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word

from the

dictionary,

alter

it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,

and supply a new

definition. Here are some recent winners:

1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,

which lasts

until you

realize it was your money to start with.

2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a

hillbilly.

3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself

for the

purpose of getting laid.

4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very

high.

5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of

sarcastic wit and

the person who doesn't get it.

6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you

are running

late.

7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one

got extra credit)

9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending

off all

these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,

the Earth explodes and

it's like, a serious bummer.

10) Glibido: All talk and no action.

11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to

seem smarter

when they come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the literature:

12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an

*******.

----------------------------------------------

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came

upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the

following symbols, in this order of appearance:

A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at

least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of

stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from

all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a

huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they

could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of

their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said:

"This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family-

oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they

were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they

were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The

next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they

even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high

intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the

earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea

for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which

means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled

and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement

with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old man stood up in

the back of the room and said, "Idiots! You are all wrong about

what the writings say. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrew

is not read from left to right, but from right to left. Look

again. ... It now says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That

Woman!"

Subject: ADVICE FROM KIDS

"Never trust a dog to watch your food. "

-Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid? ' Don't answer. "

-Hannah, age 9

"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working. "

-Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes. "

-Randy, age 9

"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. "

-Emily, age 10

"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. "

-Taylia, age 11

"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school

assignment. "

-Traci, age 14

"A puppy always has bad breath-even after eating a Tic-Tac. "

- Andrew, age 9

"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. "

- Kyoyo, age 11

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. "

-Amir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. "

-Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. "

-Naomi, age 15

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick. "

-Lauren, age 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. "

-Joel, age 10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the

phone. "

-Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat. "

-Eileen, age 8

Four Dads went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first

tee while the fourth went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons: The

first man told the others: "My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said: "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a

multiline dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new

Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be out done, bragged: "My son is a

stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of

taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons, how is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied: "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay

bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.

Jimi Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the $50.

Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the

trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up the $50.

Then Jim, a Scotsman, plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus

fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused

look. Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to f ... it as

soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."

The convict-------------

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25

years of his life sentence in prison. He escaped, and while on

the run, broke into a house at midnight and tied up a young couple who

had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side

of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the

woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and

left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the

room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy

hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he

left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to

have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.

Whatever you do, don't fight him or make ! ! ! ! him mad. Our lives depend

on it! Be

strong and I love you. " After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the

half-naked wife replied, "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're

right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck . . .

He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and

asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Here he comes. . . Be

strong and I love you too. " --------------------------

Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with

Nookie Green every week for the last month--Nookie Green seems to be very

popular with my male parishioners, the Priest thinks. He tells the sinner,

"you are forgiven. Go out and Say three Hail Mary's" The priest ask, "Who is

Nookie Green? " "A new woman in the neighborhood, " the sinner replies.

The next morning in Church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon,

when suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon

her, and she sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and

way to short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and alter boys gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and

dress, sits with her legs slightly spread apart revealing the lack of

undergarments. The priest turns to the alter boy and ask, "Is that Nookie

Green? " The alter boy's eyes are popping out of his head, as he replies. "NO

FATHER, I THINK IT'S THE REFLECTION OFF HER SHOES"

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. One

70 year-old says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven at

it takes me 20 minutes to pee".

An 80 year-old says. "My case is worse. I get up at 8 and sit there and

grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement".

The 90 year-old says "At seven I pee like a horse. At eight I crap like a

cow".

"So what's your problem? asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9".

--------------------------------------------

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow

$5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for

the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car

is

parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything

checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as

collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde

for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee

of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground

garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,

which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business,

and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little

puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a

multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow

$5,000?"

The blonde replies..."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two

weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

-----------------------------

One of the city's top cardiac specialist died. At his funeral, the

coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made up of red

flowers.

When the pastor finished with his sermon, and after everyone said their

good-byes, the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the

heart closed again.

At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a very loud fit of

laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to him asked. "This is a

Funeral mate, why in the hell are you laughing?"

Trying to hold his laughter for a moment, the man replied, "I was just

thinking about my own funeral, I'm a gynaecologist."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of

milk, a carton of eggs, some juice, and a package of bacon. As the woman was

placing her items on the belt to check out, a drunk who was standing behind

her watched.

The drunk said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt and seeing

nothing particularly unusual about her

selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know

that?"

The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n sh**."

===================================================

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the

recent death of her husband, Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over

with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to

shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden

someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where

the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound

to her knee.

=============================================================

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get

there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step

on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all

over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although

they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on

one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter

chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to

spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes

St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly

man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first

woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained

for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.

Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I

wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

============================================

"Ode to the Spell Checker! "

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.

============================

Wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on

those little

bottles

of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like

making a peeing

section in a swimming pool?

OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the

"Jags" and the

Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what

does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that

mean that one

enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader

of the Christian

faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor

store or at

Hooters

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a

whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy

adultery?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a

broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't

they just stale

bread

to begin with?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,

doesn't it follow

that

electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,

cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons

debarked, and dry

cleaners depressed?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post

Office? What are

we

supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just

put their pictures

on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them

while they

deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then

what exactly are the

others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

================================

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?\Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

=======================================

The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait til you see the last one!)

George Bush:

When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore

Dormitory:

When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist:

When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation:

When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code:

When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines:

When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em

Animosity:

When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law:

When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms:

When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point:

When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes:

When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two:

When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

And for the grand finale:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

It can be rearranged (With no letters left over, and

using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERN

======================================

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

Ho'kD On foNeX wOrk'D 4 mE

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

"Dam!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree

would kill you?

A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

===============================

PINOCCHIO

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes

complain about splinters when they were having sex.

Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if

he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little

sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away

enlightened A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw

Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him,

"How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs

a girlfriend?"

CINDERELLA

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked

stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in

the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises

to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go

to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you

must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's

the second condition?" "You must be home by 2a.m. Any

later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed

hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up looking

love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?"

demands the! Fairy g godmother. "Your diaphragm was

supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I

met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of

everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of

power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember,

exactly...Peter Peter, something or other..."

MICKEY MOUSE

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court

and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your

wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was

crazy, I said she's ****ing Goofy."

DONALD DUCK

Donald went into the local Pharmacy to purchase some

condoms. He took them up to the cashier who asked "

Would you like me to put them on your bill"? Donald

became irate and screamed "What do you think I am a

pervert"?

RED RIDING HOOD

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods

when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind

a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red,

I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little

Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket

and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and

said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just

like it says in the book.

=============================

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have

taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider

freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,

but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have

bigger houses and smaller families, more

conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees

but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,

more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but

less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too

recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get

too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read

too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our

values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate

too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years. We've

been all the way to the moon and back, but have

trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've

done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We

write more, but learn less. We plan more, but

accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to

wait. We build more computers to hold more

information, to produce more copies than ever, but

we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow

digestion, big men and small character, steep

profits and shallow relationships. These are the

days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier

houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick

trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one

night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do

everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a

time when there is much in the showroom window and

nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can

bring this letter to you, and a time when you can

choose either to share this insight, or to just hit

delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,

because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to

you in awe, because that little person soon will

grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you,

because that is the only treasure you can give with

your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and

your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and

an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep

inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for

someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time

to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we

take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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eveningsky339

wow...that's a lot of jokes...

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

********************************************************************

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

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MaNgO_gIrL_hErE

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

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MaNgO_gIrL_hErE

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died.

They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment.

They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live?.

The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

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_Nyx_

Three ducks walked into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the

first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of

puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said

Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to

the second duck, "Hi,

and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and

out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck

want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So,

you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is

Puddles."

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Bizeebutt

rotflmao... heard it before, but its still hysterical original.gif

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mypaddedroom

Question= How do you get a blone to laught at a joke on a Saturday?

Answer- You tell her the joke on a Sunday. w00t.giflaugh.gif

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eveningsky339

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

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mypaddedroom

A blind man is drinking at a bar it's very quiet. He decides to strike a conversation with the man besides him.

He says "Hey buddy how'd you like to hear a blonde joke?"

The man said with a very mad attitude " Well since your blind I'll warn you Buddy I'm blonde. So is the guy on the other side of you and the whole table behinde you has blonde guys! Are you sure you still want to say that joke punk?"

The blind man says " Nah

I don't want to tell the joke 1,000 times."

GET IT! hahahaha

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eveningsky339

lol you guys are sick

Three guys walk into a bar.

You'd think the last two would see it.

GET IT?! laugh.gif

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mystery-man

Here's a few I've found and heard. Sorry if this sounds a bit racist or offensive but I hear the rudest jokes sometimes.

1. A coloured/black man walks into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder and goes up to the bar. When the bar tender sees the man he says "Thats nice where'd you get it?" The parrot replies "Africa theres loads of them"

2. How do you find a worms a*se? Put it in some flour and wait for it to fart.

3. Three grannies were on a park bench when a flasher came past and flashed his c*ck at them...... two had a stroke....the other couldn't reach.

4. A man says to his wife "I got my olympic condoms today, I'm going to wear the gold one tonight" his wife replies "Can't you come second for a change"

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Ria

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all

these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,

so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are

smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is

going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets

down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and

smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living

room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at

the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks

what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him

that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by

painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket

over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the

directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

David Beckham is on top of the main stand at Old Trafford ready to jump off after a nightmare first half of the Premiership and World Cup campaign. He's lost the World Cup for England by getting himself sent off and everyone and his dog hates him, Posh spice has dumped him for Michael Owen and Man United have put him on the transfer market for ten quid because he's playing rubbish.

As he's about to jump off Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder and asks "Are you OK David?"

David explains how his life is a mess and gets ready to jump!

"STOP!" shouts father Christmas. "I'll grant you any three wishes on the understanding that you do me a favour."

"That would be top!" says Beckham. "Cheers Father Christmas, thank you, thankyou."

So Beckham lists his three wishes which are:

1) In the Argentina match he didn't kick the argy but shoots from the freekick and scores. ENGLAND go on to win the World Cup and he is a National Hero.

2) He marries posh spice and lives in happiness for evermore.

3) He is made best footballer in the world by FIFA and his wages go up to a million a week.

Father Christmas says OK all your wishes are granted. "Oh thank you thank you!!!" says Beckham. "What do I have to do?"

Father Christmas tells Beckham to drop his pants and bend over.

After a brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks Beckham how old he is.

"24" replies Beckham.

"You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!!" laughs the fat gay Man City fan.

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The Original Chupa King

Here's one....

There's a Canadian, an American, and a European traveling in a boat. The boat sinks. The European and the American get eaten by sharks. One shark comes up to the Canadian and swerves away. The Canadian says " Oh Lord, why did you save me?"

The shark answers " I ate one of you last year and my **** is still burning."

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The Original Chupa King

Here's another........

What do call a Canadian Lawyer?

As If.

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mystery-man

How come everones stopped posting jokes here? dontgetit.gif

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merlinhoot

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my

door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor

store and a bass boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh**!

Amen

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Ziggy Stardust

Why is everyone so mean to Canadians? I met some once and they were very nice people.

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_hAiLO_

courtesy: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/index2.shtml

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

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Bone_Collector
FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my

door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor

store and a bass boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh**!

Amen

707047[/snapback]

That was funny merlinhoot! grin2.gif

Here's one more...

This married couple were sitting in a fine

restaurant when the wife looks

over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken

stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching

that man for some time now.

Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has

been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I

wouldn't think anybody could

celebrate that long."

laugh.gif

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eveningsky339

lol

What's the number one thing not to do with a unicorn? (other than **** it)

Play leapfrog. OUCH!

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Pinowawa1
Why is everyone so mean to Canadians? I met some once and they were very nice people.

I did too .. but doesnt mean you can generalise it for all Canadians.. fact is .. (Typically) The way Canadians are is represented through *what use to be* the popular T.V program- 'South Park' - the characters from this programe as you all probably know are dumb stupid *d*o*s that eat garbage, speak garbage and have annoying accents.

From the two months i spent in Canada last year .. I realised Canadians are very ignorant, they tend to be quite confrontational, they dont seem to have much general knowledge; they only know the things they have been tought at school. They eat *rap.. The most popular dish for them is called 'Poutine' which is basically chips with fattening gravy and lots of cheese. One of the most annoying things about them I found is that .. they have a very poor sense of humour .. Its a bit Comical .. and usually perverted..

Oh yeah .. And their phrases are the most bizzare .. for example 'Bout' means probably.. 'loony' is a term or name, given to a one dollar, and toony .. as for two dollars.. Also .. they call a Couch a 'Chesterfield'.. I can go on .. there are ALOT! laugh.gif

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Demonic Angel

all these jokes r so funny! and i haven't any of them before so they even funnier tongue.giflaugh.gif

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