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Saru

Official Unified Jokes Thread

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Silent-Storm

LOL, one try's... tongue.gif

Any way here is another realy stupid one.....

One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields. The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Bill's land just down the road!"

The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn't affect us chickens!"

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Silent-Storm

And yet another one wink2.gif

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight

around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to

place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the

dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and

froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his

head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score,

then clicked the light back on and began searching for more

valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,

clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking

for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his

flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."

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Elvis

Yeah that first one defintiely funny to Brits since BSE ran riot here years ago!

Second one great!

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Silent-Storm

There only jokes ElvisHendrx0, there not ment to offend any one in any way..

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Elvis

This didn't come across very well, but I meant that I thought they were really funny!

Soz about that

Edited by ElvisHendrx0

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Silent-Storm

No problem mate, my fault for jumping the gun... thumbsup.gif

Now let's get these jokes rolling..

Edited by Silent-Storm

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Silent-Storm

This one is for ElvisHendrx0. thumbsup.gif

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.".... grin2.gif

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Jesus_Freak

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

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Jesus_Freak

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

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mypaddedroom

Nice one haha^ I gotta get some more jokes so I can be the funiet guy here! Now I got competition!

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Bone_Collector

Competition begins... grin2.gif

Math Class

---------------

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems

when his teacher picked him to answer a question..

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and

you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly

away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like

the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If

there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one

licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the

third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one

sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring

on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking..

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Bone_Collector

On the 8's

-------------

What is the difference between girls

aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

grin2.gif

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Bone_Collector

Don't mess with women !

------------------------------

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

You'll love the answer...

.......

........

.........

........

.........

.........

.........

.........

The wife replied,

"I did... THEY'RE IN UR FISHING BOX............. "

laugh.gif

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Bone_Collector

One more...

Two guys were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...

One of the two guys suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered. "How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his

boss. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and

hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a

metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the boss emerged from the Branch Head's office at the

far end of the floor. He saw the guy hanging from the ceiling,

and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing. "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," barked the boss.

"Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back

here for at least another two days! You understand me?" "Yes sir", the guy answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second guy was hot on his heels. "Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked. "Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

grin2.gif

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Silent-Storm

LMAO, brilliant, there all brill, keep em coming.. grin2.gif

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Jesus_Freak

maybe i'm just dumb, but the one about the fish and the pajamas went right over my head.... huh.gifhuh.gif

Edited by Jesus_Freak

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Elvis

LOL Jesus_Freak, perhpas it's not your day thumbsup.gif

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Elvis

One-liners off the top of my head:

How do you know your mother-in-law is at the door?

Because the mice hurl themselves on the traps... dontgetit.gif

What did KFC say when the chicken crossed the road?

"Dammit, we missed one! " tongue.gif

What did George Bush say when the chicken crossed the road?

"The chicken obviously misunderuninterpreted the road as being clear when it was clearly not clear. Clear?" grin2.gif

What has four legs and flies?

A cow. ohmy.gif Keep thinking... w00t.giflaugh.gif

If your friend happens to say to you "God, I could murder a bowl of cornflakes right about now," then you should stay well away from her in the future.

Why?

Because she's a serial killer sleepy.gifhmm.gif

Well, I sincerely hope they were the worst jokes you've ever read. As I said before, right off the top of my head. And my head isn't exactly Einstein material.

That's my excuse and I'm stickin to it thumbsup.gif

Well its 20 past 11 at nite here and I need rest. sleepy.gif

G'nite all (Brits anyway)

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Silent-Storm

Good night Elvis, enjoyed ya jokes. thumbsup.gif

So here is another....

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.

Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"... laugh.gif

Edited by Silent-Storm

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Silent-Storm

And another.. tongue.gif

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?".... yes.gifno.gif

Edited by Silent-Storm

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Silent-Storm

Elvis, i don't get this one.. blink.gif

What has four legs and flies?

A cow. Keep thinking...

Please explain, put me out of my misery PLEASE!!! tongue.gif

Edited by Silent-Storm

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Silent-Storm

Sorry i promise this might be the last one for now... grin2.gif

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company.

One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

laugh.giflaugh.gif

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Jesus_Freak
Elvis, i don't get this one.. blink.gif 

What has four legs and flies?

A cow.  Keep thinking...

Please explain, put me out of my misery PLEASE!!! tongue.gif

491923[/snapback]

Think of an insect that likes smelly things... such as cows.

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mypaddedroom

You might have heard this before.

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a gernade at you? happy.gif

A: Pull the pin out and throw it back! tongue.gif

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Jesus_Freak

haha nice... but why kill a dumb blonde? that's just mean haha

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