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Saru

Official Unified Jokes Thread

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Silent-Storm

Elvis, i don't get this one.. blink.gif 

 

What has four legs and flies? 

A cow.  Keep thinking... 

 

Please explain, put me out of my misery PLEASE!!! tongue.gif

491923[/snapback]

Think of an insect that likes smelly things... such as cows.

492061[/snapback]

Derrrrrrrr, do i feel stupid or what...lol... rolleyes.gif

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Jesus_Freak

haha... quite alright... that one has confused me before too

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Bone_Collector

Good job Silent-Storm! You keep em coming too...

Here's another one...

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

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Bone_Collector

This is a BAD one... grin2.gif

Four animals a Snake, a c***, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "c***, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the c***, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room.

The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"

When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"

"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.

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Bone_Collector

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part in it. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drank the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

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Bone_Collector

Evolotion of Agassi & Gates.... laugh.gif

post-10488-1108702739.jpg

post-10488-1108702756.jpg

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mypaddedroom

OK here's a ok one.

A man at the bar is drinking it's very obvious he's drunk, because he can't speak clearly. So the bartender says you should take him home to another winO at the bar. The drunk man is laying on the floor he's so drunk. So the man who is suppose to take the drunk man home scoops the drunk man in his hands and carries him to the car. So when they both arrive to the drunk mans house the man helps the drunk man outta the car. So he helps him and the man continues to FALL OVER AND OVER off his feet. So the man just carries the drunk to the house and rings the doorbell.

The wife answers and says well thank you. And the man who took the drunk home says he can't walk at all!

And the wife says well yeah...where's hi wheelchair?

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Elvis

LOL poor guy...

As for my earlier joke about the cow I apologise fror any confusion and thank Jesus_Freak for clearing it all up! thumbsup.gif

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mypaddedroom

Here's a kinda old one...

Knock Knock

Who's there?

How do you spell...

How do you spell who?

w.h.o. who get it? laugh.gif

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DarkSinister

A woman standing naked in front of a bedroom mirror says to her husband, "honey, I look fat, ugly, and pale. Give me a compliment to cheer me up." The husband thinks for a second and replies, "At least there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

grin2.gif

Edited by DarkSinister

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mypaddedroom

A girl on a blind date with 3 guys compliments when she asks them for favors at the dinner table. She says to the first guy "Can you pass the sugar, sugar?"

Later in the date she says to the second guy "Can you pass the honey, honey?"

Then later in the date to the man she dislikes she says "Can you pass the bacon pig?"

Haha I found this pretty funny if you don't get it read it again! tongue.gif

Edited by 2PAC4LIFE

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Elvis
Here's a kinda old one...

Knock Knock

Who's there?

How do you spell...

How do you spell who?

w.h.o.    who   get it? laugh.gif

492847[/snapback]

Some more like that one include:

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Doctor

Doctor Who?

Yes, got it in one! (Brits may get that one more than anyone else!)

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Boo

Boo Who?

Well, I'm sorry if I scared you, but seriously, you don't have to cry...

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Ash

Ash who?

Bless you.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Woo

Woo who?

Why the celebrations?...

Et cetera Et cetera

Hope you like thumbsup.gif

Edited by ElvisHendrx0

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Elfstone810

Loved the "Jesus is watching you" joke, Silent Storm! thumbsup.gif

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scipherel

NURSING HOME

One evening a family brings their frail,

elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her,

hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her,

feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair

at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK,

but after a while she slowly starts to lean

over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up

to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems OK,

but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives

to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here?

Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

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scipherel

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates

when an Angel asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes while he took a break.

Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach.

This man was OLD! He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.

When Jesus asked, "Could I help?"

The old man said in a shaky voice, "Yes! I'm looking for my son.

Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people in Heaven.

The old man continued, "I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet,"

Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?"

The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

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Silent-Storm
Loved the "Jesus is watching you" joke, Silent Storm! thumbsup.gif

493885[/snapback]

Thank you.... thumbsup.gif

So heres a one for you...

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter

dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey!

Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t

pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I’m a PANDA!

Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the

following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by

distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

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Silent-Storm

LOL poor guy...

As for my earlier joke about the cow I apologise fror any confusion and thank Jesus_Freak for clearing it all up! thumbsup.gif

492669[/snapback]

No need to apologise Elvis my friend, it was just me being as bright as a four watt bulb..lol.. laugh.gif

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Silent-Storm

Any way i have had a brilliant laugh on this thread, so keep em rolling guy's.... thumbsup.gif

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scipherel

[attachmentid=11957]

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scipherel

Only A Jamaican....

There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London;

a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.

However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan.

The Trinidadian went in first.

After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine.

When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque.

"But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted.

The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid,

but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave.

Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine.

When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food.

"But I paid you!" The Barbadian shouted.

This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan,

and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go.

Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette,

and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers.

After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it,

the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it.

Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me

but I don't remember getting any money from them, so........

Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly

"Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"

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scipherel

[attachmentid=11958]

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scipherel

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep,

but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across,

held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said:

"Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across,

gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said:

"Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

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scipherel

In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says,

"The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation.

Make one observation about this man."

The first applicant enters and says, "This man has just one ear."

"Get out!!" screams the interviewer.

The second applicant enters and says, "This man has one ear."

"Get out!!" screams the interviewer again.

Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview.

The first two guys are out there and they tell him,

"The guy that's giving the interview doesn't like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear."

"Thanks for the tip" says the third applicant.

So the third applicant enters,

stares at the picture for a while and finally he says,

"This man wears contact lenses."

The interviewer is impressed and says,

"Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?"

So the guy says, "Well, this man has just one ear,

how could he wear glasses?"

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scipherel

After Noah built the Ark and survived the Great Flood,

God appeared to him and asked him to build another Ark seven decks high.

"Another Ark, my Lord? Am I to fill it with 2 of every creature again?".

God replied "No, you will fill it with fish". "Ah", said Noah "a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

Two fish in a tank one turns to the other and says

"how do you drive this thing"?

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? "

"It's not unusual

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought "This is unusual". And the dentist said to me

"Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing.

I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?"

And a voice said "You are."

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",

He said "Not you again".

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

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scipherel

[attachmentid=11961]

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