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Official Unified Jokes Thread


Saru

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Hope this joke hasnt been posted already =P

A white man, a black man, and a mexican have been stuck on an island for a few days without food. The third day there, a slice of bologna washes up shore. Before any of them grabs it to eat, the white man says, "We should wait till morning to see who can eat it. Who ever has the best dream gets it." The other two agree.

The next morning the white man wakes up and says, "I dreamt I was surrounded by riches."

The black man wakes up and says, "I dreamt I was surrounded by riches and women."

The mexican wakes up and starts singing "Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony, Two pendejos went to sleep and I ate the bologna!"

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Whats a Hindu?

It lays eggs.

Theres my two cents

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- Mom! Mom! Daddy is puking on the table!

- Don't argue kids.

- But big brother is taking all the best bits.

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Three blondes are walking in the woods and they wander upon some tracks.

The first ones says "These are deer tracks", the second one says "No, these are badger tracks", the third one says "No these are fox tracks".

Sadly,whilst arguing they were all killed by the train.

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Its 1945 and Hitler has just blown his brains out in his bunker.

He knows his chances are low when it comes to getting into heaven but he decides to give it a try anyway.

So off he goes and when he arrives at the Pearly Gates he discovers St Peter has taken the day off and Jesus is covering him with some overtime.

Hitler: Hi there Jesus I was thinking whats the chance of me getting into heaven?

Jesus: You've got no chance. You're evil and killed all those people.

Hitler: Oh go on, I'll let you have my pointy Prussian helmet if you let me in.

Jesus thinks to himself that he quite likes the military helmet so he says wait here and off he goes to ask God if they can make an exception. God says no and tells Jesus to go back and send Hitler to hell because he's evil.

Jesus: Sorry Hitler man. I like your helmet and really want it but my dad says I have to send you to hell because you're evil.

Hitler: Oh go on. I'll tell you what if you let me in not only will I give you my pointy helmet I'll let you have my leather SS boots too.

Jesus now thinks this is an excellant deal so he says wait here and he goes off to ask God again if they can make an exception. God gets quite angry with Jesus and again tells him to go back and send Hitler to hell.

Jesus: Sorry Hitler man. I quite like your offer but my dad is adament I have to send you to hell.

Hitler: Oh go on. I tell you what I'll make you a final offer. If you fix it for me so I can get into heaven not only will I give you my pointy helmet, not only will I give you my leather SS boots but I'll even let you have my Iron Cross.

Jesus is excited at the offer as he always wanted an Iron Cross so he goes off to ask God if he can let Hitler in one final time. He explains how he really really wants the Iron Cross and with that God turns around and says -

WTF do you want with an iron Cross for you fool you couldnt even carry a wooden one.

Edited by Alien Being
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Knock knock

who's there?

ta wit ta

ta wit ta who?

LOL.

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Jesus, God and St Peter are having a debate in heaven about the disgusting amount of polution on Earth. The converstaion strays onto the ****ty waters off the coast of Blackpool and its decided that Jesus and St Peter will go on a fact finding mission to access how bad it is. Jesus and St Peter arrive on Blackpool beach and immediately start to wade out into the water to get a better look.

Before long St peter is upto his knees in ****ty water and as he watches Jesus walk across the surface he feels a little displeased at the Messiah for not helping him.

A little while passes and now St Peter is upto his waste in ****ty water and again he looks at Jesus walking across the surface and begins to feel a little angry that the Messiah hasnt considered him.

Finally after a few minutes St Peter is upto his neck in ****ty water and decides enough is enough. He needs to say something now otherwise he's going to get a mouth full of ****ty water.

He complains to Jesus at which point Jesus turns around and says 'why dont you get out the water and walk along the sewage pipe like me then you stupid b*****d'

Edited by Alien Being
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “That's terrible, you go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey”.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “That's terrible, you go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey”.

lol thats quite funny.

A man gets called off to the hospital as his wife has gone into labour. He gets there and the nurses inform him its too late and the baby has already been delivered. He goes to see his wife and the doctor is in her room waiting for him. His wife looks upset so he asks the doctor whats wrong and the doctor informs him that his son has been born horribly deformed.

The man starts to cry and after a few mintues decides he needs to be strong for his family. He pulls himself together and says it doesnt matter he'll love his son anyway and asks to see him. The doctor takes him down the corridor in the maturnity ward until they come across a glass window. The man peers into the window and sees a baby in there with no arms. He starts to cry again and the doctor says 'no, no' your baby is further down the corridor.

They walk further down the corridor to the next window and again the man peers in. This time he sees a baby with four legs and its brain pretruding out of its forhead. He starts to cry again and the doctor again says 'no, no' your child is further down the corridor.

They walk a little further until they reach the last glass window and the man peers in. All he can see is an empty incubator so says to the doctor 'I dont get it, wheres my son?' The doctor tells him to look a little closer and with that the man notices one eyeball lying in the incubator blinking away.

He starts crying and after a few minutes he decides he needs to be strong for his family so he pulls himself together. He then raises his arm and starts to wave at his son in the incubator. With that the doctor turns around and says 'its a waste of time doing that sir, its blind'

Edited by Alien Being
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  • 3 weeks later...

Here are 3 small jokes I know of to share:

How come the numbers aren't too happy among each other?

It's from 7 8s (hates) 9. :P

Why did the Chicken (Rooster) crossed the road?

Because he seen a hot chick. :wub:

Anyone want to hear a "dirty" joke?

The Horse fell in the mud ! :devil:

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Two farmers bragging:

- Our farmhand has got such a tall d**k that if three normally sized hens sit really close together they can perch upon it.

- Surely now you are exaggerating?

- Nooo, ah well, maybe they don't have to sit all that close together.

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Once upon a time, there was a convent, and in the convent there lived 100 nuns. Every day, half of the nuns would go out to cut roses in the nearby field where they grew.

One day, the 50 nuns left to cut roses. They spent all day cutting them, and then returned to the convent for the evening meal.

However, when they returned, they found carnage. The 50 nuns who had stayed behind had all been brutally slaughtered and lay mutilated in pools of blood.

One of the nuns ran to the window for fresh air because she felt sickened at the sight and saw, on a hill in the distance, a black knight on a black horse waving his bloodied sword and laughing. She called to her sisters to come and see but the knight turned his horse and galloped away, still laughing like a madman.

After a period of mourning for their sisters, the nuns decided to go back to their daily lives. Half of the 50 remaining nuns went to cut roses. After their hard day's work, they returned to the convent.

Once again, carnage greeted them. The nun who had seen the black knight on his black horse the first time ran to the window to see if he was once again there and, sure enough, on the distant hill, the black knight sat astride his black horse, waving his bloodied sword and laughing.

Again, after grieving for a time, the nuns returned to their usual schedule. As there were 25 nuns and 25 could not be divided equally, it was agreed that 12 nuns would go and 13 would stay, as more nuns had a better chance of survival.

So the 12 nuns went to pick roses. They feared for their sisters who remained behind, but they went nonetheless.

When they returned to the convent, it was as they had feared. The 13 had been ruthlessly murdered and, once more, the black knight was sitting on his black horse on the hill, waving his gore-encrusted sword and laughing.

The nuns decided that they had mourned enough recently, and went straight back to their normal routine. 6 nuns went to cut roses while 6 stayed behind.

When the 6 who had left came home, although they had expected it and resigned themselves to it, they were still horrified by the carnage that awaited them and enraged by the callousness of the murderous black knight sitting on his horse on the hill, waving his sword and laughing.

The next day, 3 nuns went to cut the roses, saying their final goodbyes to their sisters who remained behind. Sure enough, they returned to find their sisters murdered and the black knight one the hill with his horse, waving his sword and laughing.

The following day, one of the last three nuns went to cut roses and returned to find the other two dead. Looking out of the window at the black knight, she was filled with such rage that she ran outside, jumped onto one of the convent's horses and gave chase.

However, the black knight had a head start and his black horse was as swift as the wind. The nun desperately prayed for help from God, and in a flash of light her horse became a motorcycle.

But the motorcycle was still unable to catch the black knight's black horse. The nun prayed again, and was granted a car. But still she could not catch the knight. She prayed once more, begging the Lord for help in catching this monstrous killer.

Although God was by now getting fed up of answering so many prayers, he obliged and POOF, the car became a jet-powered rocket car. The nun raced ahead of the knight's black horse and blocked its path.

The horse collided with the car and the knight was thrown from its back, landing several metres away.

Before he could get to his feet, the nun had dashed over, picked up his sword and now held it to his vile throat.

"Tell me truthfully," she said to the knight, "Did you kill my 99 sisters?"

"Very well," said the knight, who was honour bound to tell the truth under all circumstances and would never break that code.

"No, I didn't," he said.

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Did you hear the one about the tuna and the chef? A tuna walks into a sushi restaurant, says to the chef, "Hey, you killed my father.". Chef says to the tuna, "That's my business, fish.". Tuna thinks about it and says, "Then I challenge you to a game of chess. If I win, you stop being a chef forever.".

"And if I win?", asks the chef. "You can feed me to your costumers.", Tuna replies. So the chef and tuna play chess. Tunas love to play chess, so in a few moves the chef was checkmated. "Well, looks like I win.", says the tuna. Chef nods and plunges his knife into the fish's belly.

"But I won.", says the tuna as he feels the knife wiggling into his guts. "So did your father.", says the chef.

Edited by Fernand0
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Paddy goes into the chapel and sits down quietly in an empty booth.

After about five minutes silence he hears a knock on the wall.

He shouts out, "No use knocking mate, there's no paper in here either."

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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre.

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This is something that happened to me in real life.

I was fishing at Dania Peer in North Miami. No one was catching anything that day, but I was catching one crab after another. After filling three buckets I said, "I'm the master at catching crabs!". The redneck drinking a beer next to me said, "Yeah well, stay away from my sister.". :lol:

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Joke told by an Irish guy...yep. It's a "genie in a lamp joke" don't kill me.

So a Mexican, an African American, and an Irishman got done drinking out on the town. Stumbling home talking, the mexican trips over an old oil lamp. Just for fun, he rubs it, and a genie pops out to their drunken amazement. "I will grant you all two wishes each for freeing me" the genie says. The mexican sees this as an opportunity, and goes first.

"Ok genie, I wish that all of my Mexican brothers could be sent back to Mexico, and feel a peace like no other country without any need to leave our native soil!"

The Genie claps his hands and the Mexican man dissipates into thin air.

The African and the Irishman look at each other as to ask "who's next" and the Irishman just smiles, and gestures that his friend should go next.

"My Mexican friend's wish was so inspiring, I would have to ask the same thing of my people. Both wishes the same." The African said with a smile that could light up the heavens.

The Genie clapped his hands, and the man was gone as well.

"Well now Irishman, seeing as you're the last who have freed me, what would your wishes be?" the Genie asked happily.

"Alright," the Irishman says as he takes out a whiskey flask and gulps a swig. "My friends have been selfless in their wishes, and cared for nothing but the best interests for their people. I think I'll do the same..." He said with a laugh.

The Genie nodded.

"I want a wall built ALLLLLL the way around England, as high as the sky, leaving no exit."

"But that is only one wish sir, you still have one more." said the clearly confused Genie.

"I know," said the Irishman. "My second wish....Fill the interior with water."

Edited by TwilightSilver
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  • 2 weeks later...

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy cow," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I

wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with

reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics , religion, sports,

physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants

me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational!! He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, is insightful. It even watches the footie with him!!! The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst,"

and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie….got down on his knees and began kissing her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Fu*kd if I know…I got an erecti*n and fell off my perch!"

<!--emo&:blush:--><img src='http://www.unexplained-mysteries.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blush.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='blush.gif' /><!--endemo-->

hahaha this one is great !

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  • 2 weeks later...

How many babies does it take to pain the broad side of a barn?

Depends how hard you throw them.

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How many babies does it take to pain the broad side of a barn?

Depends how hard you throw them.

Hmm it won't let me edit, and it should be paint, not pain in that post.

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Too gay guys flying on a plane over the Atlantic.

GGuy 1: Hey, you wanna try it at that height?

GGuy 2: Well, yeah. But I don't want anyone to find out what's going on

GGuy 1: Ok, we'll wait when everyone turns their light off and then you'll ask for a Coke to see if the plane crew is asleep too.

Everybody turns the light off.

GGuy 2: Can I have a Coke, please?

Silence. The flight crew are asleep too. And the GGuys engage in some nasty stuff. Morning comes.

Stewardess: Good morning, passengers! Did you sleep well? Why didn't anyone ask for something during the night?

Nervous passenger: Well, miss, a guy asked for a coke last night and he got ****ed all night long.

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A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

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