Official Unified Jokes Thread

[BiffSplitkins 4,534]

A daughter walks up to her mom and says "Why'd you name me Rose?"

Her mom said "When you were born, a rose fell on your head."

A second daughter come over and said "Why'd you name me Daisy?"

Her mom said "When you were born, a daisy fell on your head."

The third daughter came over and said "heilslkwkquaooiupapjspn" and

her mom said "SHUT UP REFRIGERATOR!"

[Ealdwita 6,769]

I always know when my mother-in-law is coming to stay - My Rottweiler hides under the kitchen table!

[NightReaper 1]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[itsnotoutthere 1,669]

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?".

The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist. "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric, a Man United supporter, an MP, and anything French!"

[The Unseen 156]

Whats the last thing going through a bugs mind when he hit's your windshield?

His a$$.

[Keel M. 6,992]

A blind man, thirsty, walks into an unfamiliar bar. Unknown to him, it's Lady Biker Night.

He approaches the bar, and orders an ale. After a sip, he asks, "Hey barkeep! Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

Every head turns.

"Listen, pal," she tells the blind man, "I'm blonde, 115 kilos and six feet tall. There is a blonde martial arts instructor sitting to your right. The blonde to your left just got out of prison. The blonde standing behind you is a professional wrestler with anger management issues. The bouncer you walked past, blonde, hates smart **** men."

She edged close to his face and growled, "Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke?"

"Are you crazy? I'm not explaining a joke five times!"

[Old Man Waffles 1,204]

A blind man, thirsty, walks into an unfamiliar bar. Unknown to him, it's Lady Biker Night.

He approaches the bar, and orders an ale. After a sip, he asks, "Hey barkeep! Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

Every head turns.

"Listen, pal," she tells the blind man, "I'm blonde, 115 kilos and six feet tall. There is a blonde martial arts instructor sitting to your right. The blonde to your left just got out of prison. The blonde standing behind you is a professional wrestler with anger management issues. The bouncer you walked past, blonde, hates smart **** men."

She edged close to his face and growled, "Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke?"

"Are you crazy? I'm not explaining a joke five times!"

Roses are red, violets are blue, but that's what they tell me, because im blind.

[Old Man Waffles 1,204]

whats the difference between a ginger and a brick?

a brick gets laid xP

[White Crane Feather 5,270]

Jesus a deciple and a Hindu guru were all fishing together off the shores of Galalie. They were having philosophical discussions, multiplying fish, and drinking the wine Jesus made from water.

Then Jesus stands up and says

"well I have got to go pee" he walks across the water does the deed. Comes back.

A few minutes latter the deciple says

"my turn, lord Jesus may I be granted safe passage"

Jesus says, "it is done"

The deciple walks across the water does the deed comes back.

When the Gurus turn came to relieve himself, he looked nervously at the water. Surely I am as enlightened as these two he thought. He steps off the boat. His last thought before sinking was I am one with the water.

The deciple, looking over the side of the boat in concern, turns to Jesus.

" do you think we should have told him about the rocks ?"

Jesus shrugs.

Edited May 22, 2012 by Seeker79

[BiffSplitkins 4,534]

I just read a thread from Karlis that made me remember this joke:

A penguin had to take his car for engine repair.

The mechanic told the penguin to leave his car with him for about two hours, to find out whats wrong.

The penguin goes across the street to a grocery store, he sees a freezer full of vanilla ice cream.

Vanilla ice cream is this penguins favorite ice cream of all time.

He climbs into a freezer and ate all of the vanilla ice cream.

When the two hours was up the penguin went back to the garage to find out what happened to his car.

When the penguin entered the garage, the mechanic looked at him and said, "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replied, "NO way, that's vanilla ice-cream!"

Edited July 31, 2012 by BiffSplitkins

[Miss Shadows 471]

I took my wife to dinner the other night and when the waiter asked me how I'd like my steak, I told him medium-rare, so he asked me "But, aren't you worried about the mad cow?" and I told him "Nah, she can order for herself."

[Three 64]

Two guys walk into a bar, and one of em falls down.