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Saru

Official Unified Jokes Thread

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The Roswell Man

Is it malignant?

A man walks into a bar with a big green bullfrog on his head. ‘Where did you get that?’ the barman asks. ‘Would you believe,’ the bullfrog replies, ‘it started out as a tiny little wart on my ****?’

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The Roswell Man

Loaded for bear

An extremely wealthy 80-year-old man arrived for his annual check-up and smiled when the doctor enquired about his health. ‘Never better,’ he announced proudly. ‘I’ve taken an 18-year-old bride, and she’s pregnant. What do you think of that?’ The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ‘I once knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he slept late and in the subsequent rush, he dashed out with his umbrella instead of his rifle.’ ‘Go on, doc,’ says the old-timer. ‘Deep in the woods, he faced a huge, angry bear, raised his umbrella, pointed it at the animal and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?’ Dumbfounded, the old codger shook his head. ‘The bear fell dead in front of him.’ ‘That’s impossible,’ exclaimed the old man. ‘Someone else must have been doing the shooting.’ Sighing, the doctor gave his patient a friendly pat on the back. ‘That’s what I’m getting at.’

tongue.gif

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Vallheru
Thought it might be a good idea to start a single 'official' thread for posting jokes. If you have a joke to post, feel free to post it here, one joke per post, but try to keep them clean  wink2.gif

Feedback on jokes in this thread is also welcome.

I'll start us off with a famous joke which everyone's probably heard before - but here it is again anyway  laugh.gif

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feeling the need for relaxation after the events of "The Red-Headed League", Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson," he said, "look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Sleepily, Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?"

Watson pondered this a moment. "Astronomically," he said, "it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."

Taking Holmes's silence as approval, Watson continued with growing confidence, "Theologically I can see that the Lord is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

He paused, and looked over at the Great Detective. "So, Holmes, what does it tell you?"

Holmes shook his head in disgust. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

483733[/snapback]

Gee, that made my day man....thanks!!!!!!

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vulturetotem

Old couple in bed:

she: In all the years we've been married, dear, have you

ever been unfaithfull?

he: Yes, one time, years ago I was unfaithfull.

she: -sighs- sure could use that one time now...

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and sez:

I'm looking for son-of-a-b**** what shot my paw.

I believe:

women are from venus, men invented telescopes.

A womans body is like a temple, I like to attend services

as often as possible.

Sex is the most pure, wholesome thing that money can buy.

Women should be placed on a pedestal... high enough to

see up their skirts.

Jus' trying to walk the fine line between

chivalry and chauvinist cool.gif

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Daughter of the Nine Moons

Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention 2005

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really,"he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba...."

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TheCrow

A man walks into a bar...

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

What do you get if you cross a Giraffe with a Hedgehog?

...

A very tall toothbrush

hmm.giflaugh.gif

Edited by TheCrow

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jeceris

a few scientists, one from the czech republic, one polish, and one who's russian, come to canada to study bears.

they are told to head in to algonquin park, in ontario as there are lots of bears to be obseved.

a park ranger flies the three scientists deep into the bush, and drops them off at the side of a remote lake, as they are setting up camp, the ranger tells them how to take care of themselves if they see a bear, what to expect as far as other hazards go, then tells them he'll be back in a week.

a week later the ranger flies back in, and with another ranger goes to the scientists camp.

when they reach the camp they are shocked at what they see, tents are torn to pieces, clothes ripped up and all over the place, coolers torn open and bits of food everywhere, and no sign of the scientists.

then as they explore the sight a bit more, they come up on two bears, still chewing on something, the bears turn and charge the rangers. the rangers have no choice but to shoot both bears.

the rangers approach the two dead bears, and they see they have a female and male bear. one ranger gets down and cuts open the female bear, inside he is able to identify the remains of the polish and russian scientist.

he gets up, scratches his head and looks a the other ranger and says,

"i guess the czech's in the male"

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BurnSide

I was told this yesterday by my lady.

It was so simple, but it really made me laugh, for some reason.

Two peanuts were walking down the street.

One was asalted!

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TheCrow

These next 3 jokes come courtesy of British comedian Dave Spikey, of Phoenix nights fame. People in the UK, if you haven't seen his DVD, check it out, it's great!

So I'm from the North and I'm down in London, in a flash hotel and I'm bored. I got some money in my pocket so I got this card from a phonebox... Have you seen them? Ladies... massage... oh yes, lovely... So I dial the number and this girl goes "Hello" so I say,

"Listen, I want the massage, the reflexology, the indian head thing, I want it all... I'm not talking 1 hour, I'm not talking 2 hours, listen, I'm talking all night - I'm talking rampant sex... Bring implement, bring what you want, just all night rampant sex. How does that sound"

She said,

"Fantastic... but for a outside line if you want to press 9"

--------

My grandad died recently and he died making love to my granny on a Sunday morning. What a way to go... 93 and on the job and his heart went. My grandma told us at the funeral that they were making love on a Sunday 'cos he needed the church bells to pace him... He just needed that, ding...... dong..... She said he'd still be alive if the Ice Cream Van hadn't gone past.

-------

My wife left me and I got rid of all her stuff and re-decorated. So I got my mum to come round and inspect it, because that's where mum's are for, it's in the job description. She headed straight to the bathroom and came back down with a face like thunder,

"David, you've not got a lavatory brush"

"I'm a bloke, I don't even know what your talking about"

"What on earth will the neighbours think?"

"How the **** should I know?"

Listen... I've been using a toilet brush for a week now and **** it I'm going back to paper. Is there some sort of technique to using these things cos it hurts me.. and with the bristles, the **** goes everywhere. I've pebble-dashed my bathroom walls. I've got to keep a jar of paint now incase someone comes round so I can nip up and give the walls a quick paint... It's not bad, it looks like woodchip. But mums are obsessed with bathrooms aren't they... She wants me to get a toilet duck next... Now that's just cruel.

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HowdyDoo

Ernest and Gertrude had been married 65 years and were both well into their 80's and neither had ever been to the doctor. Their children, convinced that something has to be wrong with them somewhere, persuaded them to get a physical.

The doctor first examined Gertrude, who was amazingly healthy for a woman her age. He sat her down and asked, "Ma'am, I have to ask you--how have you lived so long and been so healthy without ever seeing a doctor?"

Gertrude replied, "Well, I eat right, work hard, get enough sleep and the good Lord takes care of the rest."

The doctor nodded, thinking there must be something more to it than that.

Then it was Ernest's turn. Just like Gertrude, Ernest was in amazing condition for a man in his 80's. The doctor sits Ernest down and asks the same question he asked Gertrude.

Ernest thinks a moment and says, "Well, I eat right, work hard, get enough sleep, and the Lord takes good care of me."

The doctor says, "Surely it must be something more than that...what's your secret?"

"Doctor, it's just that simple. But the Lord does take special care of me. Just last night, when I got up to go to the bathroom, I opened the door, and He turned the light on for me!"

Now the doc thinks the old man has gone wacko. He sends Ernest out of his office and calls in Gertrude. The doctor says, "Gertrude, have you had trouble with Ernest being confused or disoriented lately? He just told me that when he went to the bathroom last night, God turned on the light for him."

"Damn it!" Gertrude grumbled, "The old fool pee'd in the refrigerator again!"

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Dowdy

What long hard and full of seamen?

A SUBMARINE

hehehe, almost had you pushing the report button, didn't i? grin2.gif

Edited by Dowdy

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hyuugaNeji

A joke by eddie griffen from "Dysfunktional Family"

about osama bin laden

I cant understand how they cant find a m/f, he worth half a billion dollars, look for the cave with the sattellite hook up, if a rools royce is parked in front of the cave, i think he in there, if u go in the cave and he got velvet paintings of saddam huessien, i think he in there.

dude is 6 foot 6, a nappy beard and towel around his head,

but they could find my cousin 4 foot 11 in compton.

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Snowbaby

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

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Snowbaby

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

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Snowbaby

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms.

For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.

"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"

An eager student gave his answer.

"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

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Snowbaby

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."

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Orro

Jokes to groan by

A guy walks into a bar holding a handful of dog dung, and says "Hey, look what I almost stepped in!"

Two men walk into a bar. They should have looked where they were going.

A man owed his friend $300 and wouldn't pay up. Finally, he came to his friend's house with the money, only he wasn't home and his wife was in the shower. So his wife heard the doorbell and came to answer it wearing only a towel. Then the man sees the attractive wife and says "I'll give you $100 dollars to drop that towel". So she turns her back to him and drops the towel. Then he says "I'll give you $200 more if you turn around".

When I die, I want to pass away peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not like the passengers of his car.

A man was fooling around with another woman when his wife wasn't home. Unbeknownst to him, his wife was fooling around with his friend at the same time. The man left his room for a minute, and told the woman that if anyone called while he was gone, to tell them he was out playing cards with his friend. His wife leaves her room for a minute and calls asking where her husband is, and the woman answers "Oh, he's out playing cards with his friend."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Amish

Amish who?

That's strange, you don't look like a shoe!

Ever heard of the person who had the "Run Hillary, Run" bumper sticker? They put it on the front bumper.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Things to do in an elevator: Glue a quarter to the floor.

True story-

Police were sure they had the right man when the suspect charged with a string of vending machine robberies paid for his four-hundred-dollar bail entirely in quarters.

Edited by Orro

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Scorpius

Those were hilarious Snowbaby! laugh.gif

-------

Every afternoon, the police officer in his parked cruiser, would notice a young lady screaming and flailing her arms as she ran around the corner of a well-known desolate street. She would then stop and look behind her, to then continue to casually jog away.

The police officer, didn't think as much about it but was confused as to why she was screaming for no reason, and with no one chasing her.

The police officer decided to confront her the next day. He stood himself at the corner of the street, waiting for her screaming self to appear. And within a few seconds police officer sees the flailing-screaming lady runnig towards him.

The police officer yells towards her "Why are you screaming when no one is chasing you!".

The lady screams back, "THE DOG BEHIND ME IS ON A VERY LONG LEASH!"

--------

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HowdyDoo

Not sure if this will get by the moderators...but here it goes anyway:

Three American anthropologists (one is from San Francisco, one from New York City, and the last one is from New Orleans) decide to go into the deepest jungle in search of the elusive and mysterious Boo Foo tribe which is comprised mostly of gay men.

After a month of searching, they are actually captured by natives who take them to the great Boo Foo chief.

The Chief has the men brought before him and says, "You have trespassed on our ancient tribal grounds and must be punished. However, being a civilized society, we will give you a choice of punishment. You may choose Boo Foo, or death."

The New Yorker is the first one in line and must make his choice. He figures anything must be better than death so he says, "I'll take Boo Foo."

Seven rather large natives take the New Yorker over by a tree, bend him over and have their way with him. Then they let him go.

The guy from San Francisco is next. He figures Boo Foo is a lot better than death, so he say bravely, "I choose Boo Foo!" The same seven warriors take the man over to the tree, bend him over and have their way with him. Afterwards, they set him free.

Now, the man from New Orleans is your regular southern gentlemen. There is no way he's going to let them do that to him!

The chief looks at him and asks, "So, what is your decision? Death or Boo Foo?"

The southerner pulls himself up to his full height and says proudly, "I would rather die than submit to Boo Foo!"

The entire village is stunned. No one has ever chosen death over Boo Foo before!

The chief doesn't know what to do. "Hm...no one has ever chosen death before. I must consult with the elders."

The chief and several other older tribesmen huddle together, just occassionally glancing up at the man. The southerner starts getting hopeful--maybe they will let him go, after all!

Finally, the chief returns to face the southerner.

"After much consideration, we have agreed to your request. You have chosen death, so death it shall be...death by Boo Foo."

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AliceCoopersGirl

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.

Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.

For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

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gollum

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large

metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter

what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take

your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun

and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came

out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and

go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,

to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging

on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and

there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to

death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

Pass on this advice !!

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Yona

An irish man walked into a bar one day, sat down, and ordered a martini. After drinking it, he would take out the olive, put it inside of a jar, and ask for another.

This continued for awhile, the man drinking and putting the olive in the jar untill finally the jar was filled.

He was walking out when a man asked what he was doing.

"Oh, my wife sent me out for a jar of olives!"

Happy St.Patricks day!

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Snowbaby

Working Together

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

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mypaddedroom
What long hard and full of seamen?

A SUBMARINE

hehehe, almost had you pushing the report button, didn't i? grin2.gif

521641[/snapback]

Hah That was a good one! Keep me laughing! Nice!!!

clap.gifclap.gif

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Otacon

A bus full of ugly people(including the driver) get into a horrible accident and they all die. Once they all reach the gates of heaven, God approaches and says that he will grant them all one wish since they are so hideously ugly.

God asks the first woman in the line what her wish is and she replies with "I'd would like to be beautiful." With a snap of his fingers the woman's wish is granted and she is beautiful. From the back of the line someone can be heard laughing but no one knows what he is laughing about. The next couple of people in the line get up to God and they all wish to be beautiful as well and in turn God does grant them their wish.

By this time the man at the end of the line is rolling around on the floor laughing his butt off and God, nor anyone else know why he is.

Ten more people get their wishes granted and sure enough it is the same wish until God approaches the laughing man at the end of the line asking him "What is so funny sir...?"

The man replies with "You know all those people who asked to be beautiful, I wanna make them all ugly again!"

Edited by Otacon

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