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Saru

Official Unified Jokes Thread

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greattenchim

Conan: Britney Spears had to get rid of her dog because it didn’t get along with her husband Kevin Federline. Apparently he just sat around all day licking himself – the same as the dog.

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djdodo

How Can I?

"How can I stop these other men from following me," Maria asked Tonyo, her boyfriend. Tonyo, showing signs of jealousy, answered: "Act natural."

Too Heavy

"Let me help you," Tonyo addressed a young boy. "Who told you to carry that pail of water? That's too heavy for your age." The boy responded: "It was my uncle who asked me to. He said I should not worry because I would find an old fool to help me carry this."

Noise

"Stop the noise," the speaker told the crowd. Tonyo who was among the listeners yelled, "But you started it!"

Mind

"You are making me lose my mind," Maria told Tonyo. "Really?" Tonyo remarked. "But you should lose your mouth first."

Male or Female

"Is that monkey a male or a female?" Maria asked Tonyo who invited her to Manila Zoo. Annoyed by the question, Tonyo said: "Why are you asking? Would that male monkey be interested in knowing that you are a female?"

Secret

"Can you keep a secret?" Tonyo asked Maria. "Of course," remarked Maria who was shivering in excitement. "So can I," Tonyo said.

Do You Mind?

"You don't mind my smoking, do you?" a passenger in the jeepney asked Tonyo who was seated next to him. "No," Tonyo said. "You don't mind my being sick, do you?"

Confidence

"Do you have the confidence in lending me a thousand pesos?" Tonyo asked Goryo, his kumpadre. "Yes, of course. I have the confidence in you," Goryo said. "But I don't have a thousand pesos."

Ugly

It's another classic Filipino joke that has been told many times again. Dondon and Dina are having a quarrel. At a loss for words to sustain the argument, Dondon cries "Pangit!" Of course, Dina is offended but fights back with the word, "Sinungaling!"

Gloria and Erap

Isang araw, nakasalubong daw ni Gloria si Erap na lasing. Dahil di magkasundo ang dalawa, nauwi ang pagtatagpo sa asaran. Erap: "Pandak! Pandak! Pandak!" Gloria: "Lasing! Lasing! Lasing!" Erap: "Di bale, bukas di na ako lasing, eh ikaw pag gising mo, pandak ka pa rin."

Names

Three men were introduced to a lady. The first man said: "Hi! I'm Peter, but not the saint." The second man said: "I'm Paul, but not the pope." The third man said: "I'm John but not the baptist." After the three men were introduced, the pretty lady said: "Hi to all of you! I'm Mary, but not a virgin."

Father

Three boys were bragging about their fathers. "I have the most famous father," the first boy said. "He is the town engineer." The second boy was not to be outsmarted. "Your father reports to my father. My father is the town mayor," he said. The third boy stood up and said: "Both of your fathers kneel before my father. He is the Parish priest."

Proposed Bill

A new congressman, who used to become an actor, received his baptism of fire at the Plenary Hall. Many of the congressmen who were present were jealous of the popularity of the new congressman. So, when the new solon delivered his first speech, a lot of questions were thrown at him. To the surprise of everyone, the new solon managed to answer all the questions. Finally, someone asked: "How do you differentiate a proposal from a proposed bill?" The newcomer, pausing for a while, stunned everyone when he said: "A proposal is what you say to a GRO while a proposed bill is what she gets afterwards."

Together Finally

Maria is a devout Catholic. She was married with 17 children when her first husband died. Soon, she was married again and had five more children. Her second husband died and later on she followed. At the funeral, a neighbor looked skyward and said: "Finally, they are together." A mourner who was sitting on the front row said: "Excuse me, but what do you mean? Are you referring to Maria's first husband or second husband?" The neighbor answered without turning her head: "I mean her legs."

Where did I come from?

"Nanay, where did I come from?" the pretty seven-year-old daughter asks.

It is a moment of truth for the mother who is not yet prepared for the situation. She takes her into the living room, shows the encyclopedia and several other books, and explains all she thinks her daughter should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mothers asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "My friend Nene said she came from Cebu. I want to know where I came from."

Hearsays

Pedro, an OCW received mails from his neighbors informing him that his wife was playing with fire. So he decided to go home and upon arrival went directly to the municipal judge to file an adultery case against his wife.

Pedro: Honorable Judge, I came here to file a case against my infidel wife.

Judge: What do you mean?

Pedro: She is playing with fire. She got another lover.

Judge: Do you have proof for this?

Pedro: No but that is what I heard from my neighbors.

Judge: Pedro you better go home. Hearsays are not accepted in court.

Upon turning his back, Pedro released some bad air from his stomach and this did not pass without bothering the judge.

Judge: Pedro, you farted inside my courthouse. That is very disrespectful.

Pedro: Judge, you are accusing me. Have you seen it?

Judge: No, but I've heard it.

Pedro: Judge, you better go home and plant camote. Hearsays are not acceptable in court.

Bridge

A group of congressmen were deliberating on a solon's proposal of building a concrete bridge in his district. The other lawmakers showed reluctance over the bill, explaining that money should be spent in building schools instead. To this, the proponent of the bill accused his detractors of not considering the interests of his constituents. The bridge, he said, will promote commerce and trade between localities in his district. He even showed a map and indicated that the entire area will benefit from the project. To show that they are listening to the speaker, the other congressmen took a peek at the map. As they closely scrutinized the map, one solon asked: "There is no river in the area. Where will you build the bridge?" The proponent paused for a while before responding. "That is not a problem. We can build the river as soon as the bridge is completed."

Double Vision

Among Filipinos, it is a common belief that a "duling" or a crosseyed person has double vision. At one time, Tonyo, who is a shrewd passenger, boarded a bus bound for Monumento. Tonyo, judging from the countenance of the kundoktor, concluded that the latter must be "duling". When the konduktor was collecting the fares of the passengers, a smart idea entered Tonyo's mind. The minimum fare at public buses was eight pesos. With the belief that the konduktor had two visions, Tonyo inferred that the coins he would pay would appear double the amount in the eyes of the kundoktor. So instead of paying the minimum fare of eight pesos, Tonyo handed four one-peso coins to the konduktor. Tonyo thought that with four pesos in his hands, the konduktor would count them as eight pesos, since the latter had double vision. But to Tonyo's surprise, the konduktor said "Kulang ang bayad mo, pare." Tonyo, who would not easily give up hope for any of his scheme, engaged the konduktor in a heated discussion. "I think I have paid enough. Didn't I give you eight pesos?" asked Tonyo, without showing hesitation. "Yes, you did. Pero kulang pa rin ang bayad mo," responded the konduktor. "But Why?" asked Tonyo. The konduktor, who began pointing finger at Tonyo, said: "It is only good for one passenger. E yung sa kakambal mo?" Tonyo almost fell out of his seat.

Imagination

Lola Tale was on a bus bound for Manila. The bus was speeding along the North Luzon Tollway in Bulacan when Lola Tale screamed on top of her lungs. "Para," cried Lola Tale. But the bus driver would not stop the bus just because somebody at the back was screaming. Of course, the driver was aware that it is prohibited to park the bus along the tollway. The driver sent his assistant or konduktor to attend to the troubled passenger. "Why were you screaming, lola?" asked the konduktor. "I could not stand it anymore," said Lola Tale. "I have to pee." After controlling his laughter, the konduktor tried to calm the old passenger. Knowing that the bus could not be parked at the tollway and that Manila was just minutes away, the konduktor tried a trick on Lola Tale. "Please, remain seated Lola. It's just your imagination." Lola Tale, showing signs she could not control her system, urged the konduktor to stop the bus. But the konduktor was even more firm and was happily teasing Lola Tale with the words: "It's just your imagination." When all things failed for Lola Tale, her control system also failed. In other words, she peed on the bus. This did not pass without bothering the other passengers, and of course the konduktor. The konduktor immediately confronted Lola Tale who at this time showed signs of relief. "You peed on the bus," remarked the angry konduktor. Lola Tale, without expressing any guilt, responded with the words. "Apo, it's just your imagination."

Morality

In a meeting of the House committee on ethics, a congressman was summoned to respond to accusations that he had shown immoral acts. The chairman of the committee explained that as public officials, they are supposed to uphold morality and set a good example to their constituents. The congressman, whose dignity was in question, said he had not done anything wrong. He claimed that since he was a child, he had been taught all the good manners by his parents. He was about to deliver a long speech about his moral standards when the committee chairman showed him a picture. "It is clearly you who appear with two prostitutes in the picture," said the committee chairman. "The picture shows that you are kissing the two prostitutes. That is unbecoming of a public official." The accused congressman spoke out. "Truly, kissing prostitutes is unbecoming of my position. But I am not guilty of this. You must be mistaken, gentlemen. That picture shows it's the prostitutes who are kissing me."

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Darkfire Angel
Gloria and Erap

Isang araw, nakasalubong daw ni Gloria si Erap na lasing. Dahil di magkasundo ang dalawa, nauwi ang pagtatagpo sa asaran. Erap: "Pandak! Pandak! Pandak!" Gloria: "Lasing! Lasing! Lasing!" Erap: "Di bale, bukas di na ako lasing, eh ikaw pag gising mo, pandak ka pa rin."

646479[/snapback]

wtf? what does this mean??? wacko.gifhmm.gif

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djdodo

^ lol sorry .. i took it from a Philipino website .. tongue.gif

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

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cerberus

An American man visits Israel with his family, and his Mother in Law, whom he dislikes passionately.

The Mother in Law, falls ill and dies very quickly from some strange illness, and the American man has to try to sort out some funeral arrangements.

He goes to a local undertakers, and asks what are the options. The Undertaker says.. 'well, we can ship her home to Wisconsin for $1000, or she can have a much cheaper, but just as nice funeral here, in Israel.'

The Man says.. '$1000.. oh well.. i can't afford it, but it's the least i can do..'

Some the Undertaker says, 'so be it.. but may i ask why you declined her burial here..?'

The Man says.. 'Well, as Jesus Christ was buried here, and he was resurrected 3 days later.. With the Mother in Law.. hmm, i just can't take that chance..'

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Mr. Fahrenheit

Lol cerberus.

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AliceCoopersGirl

Burned Ear

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..."

"But how the heck did you burn the other ear?" The doctor asked.

"How do you think I called you people?"

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Silent-Storm

laugh.giflaugh.giflaugh.giflaugh.gif

Thats a brilliant joke ACG...

There all brilliant.. thumbsup.gif

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Mr. Fahrenheit

Where it says Fred, Put in the name of whoever you don't like, I'll use the name for the joke.

Quasimodo, Aphrodite and Zeus were at a coffee shop talking.

Aphrodite says " I bet I'm the prettiest girl in the world"

Zeus laughs and says "I bet I'm the strongest in the world"

Quasimodo says proudly: " I bet I'm the ugliest person in the world."

The next day, they all ask everyone about their bets and they come back the next day to the same coffee shop.

Aphrodite laughs and says "I'm right", and so does Zeus. Quasimodo looks deppressed and they ask him if his bet was right.

Quasimodo says "I thought I was the ugliest person in the world! Who's this Fred guy?"

It's a stupid joke I know but I sort of like it.

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nou

LITTLE BILLY ON....PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

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V for Vanity

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

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justcallmefox

Actually, MissPirate, that was the first joke posted. But thats OK. original.gif

Here's mine:

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

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V for Vanity

Are you serious? disgust.gif God what's wrong with me?

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V for Vanity

Here's one I hope nobody posted yet....

[rainbow:6 reasons to never mess with kids]

1. A girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The

teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied,

"Then you ask him".

2.A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

3.One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

4.The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

5.A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

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Snowbaby

Why I Fired My Secretary...

Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That Morning. I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant And Say, "Happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me. As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "Happy Birthday."

I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember. My Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.

As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered. I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me."

I Said, "Thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!" We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously

On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day... We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"

I Responded, "I Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"

She Said, "Let's Go To My Apartment."

After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "Boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."

"Ok." I Nervously Replied.

She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My Friends And Co-Workers, All Singing "Happy Birthday".

And I Just Sat There...

On The Couch...

Naked.

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justcallmefox

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

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sheila12
Ok here's  a bad joke.

(hope it's ok)

Ok a man walks into a bar.  He walks in with a ostrich and a cat. He asks the bartender 1beer for me. He asks ostrich what do you want? Ostrich says beer. He ask cat and you?

CAT says beer, but I'm not payin. So the man bartender says. $6.12 so the man pulls out EXACTLY $6.12.

Next day the the same thing happens again.

So one day he walks in with the ostrich and cat. Instead they all order 2beers each. So the total is $12.24 and once again the cat says IM NOT PAYNING! So the bartender asks How do you always have the exact amound when you come in?

The man says oh when my grandmother died. I got all her belongings in a will. Adn th bartender says lucky you, but how do you always have the exact total when you pay? The man says in here house she had a  geenie in a bottle it granted me 3 wishes. The bartender said oh whats those wishes.

The man said A bird with long legs and a tight ***** and every time i have a buy something I'll have the exact change.

And I got 1 for 3. The others came different then I wanted....

486453[/snapback]

that's funny

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Dr1273

> Deathbed Confession

>

> Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil

> by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

>

> Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale

> lips began to move sli

>

> "Becky my darling" he whispered.

>

> "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

>

> He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have

> something that I must confess."

>

> "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,

> "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

>

> "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .. I slept with your sister,

> your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

>

> "I know, sweetheart;" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

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eveningsky339

There was a 15 year old boy from the suburbs who had a crush on a really hot rich girl. So he decided to ask her over to his house. To his joy she accepted.

The boy spent a week getting prepared for the day she would come. He asked his mom about manners and how to be propper. He took four showers a day. And he stopped eating steak and beans, because it wasn't fancy enough. He cleaned up his room and disposed of anything that might not be fancy or proper enough.

Finally the day came.

The boy's heart was in his throat as he answered the door. There she was, the hottest and most popular girl in school. What's more, she brought her little poodle with her. The young man did his best to make her feel comfortable in his humble suburban home.

After about an hour of flirting, the girl decides to show off by playing the boy's piano. She gets up and as she is walking to the piano, the boy experienced a worst nightmare come true.

He had gas.

There it was, snaking its way through his bowels, approaching his butt hole. He had to hold it in...somehow...

But he couldn't hold it for long. This was huge.

Suddenly an idea popped in his head. He should wait until she was playing the piano. She might not notice. If she does, the reputation he had scraped together all these years would be ruined.

She proceeded to begin playing a symphony composed by Beethoven. The boy decided it was now or never. He lifted his leg up just a little and ripped one.

The girl stopped playing, looked up and said "Fido!" She resumed playing.

The boy looked down and noticed the dog sitting by his foot. She thought it was the dog...he might be able to get away with a few more, as more gas was moving through his intestines.

Another one made its way to freedom. The boy prayed she would think it was the dog again. He barely lifted his leg and ripped another one.

The girl stopped playing, looked up and said "Fido!" She smiled and resumed playing.

One more remained...just one more fart...

He was sweating bullets; his heart was in his throat. If he could get by with one more he might have a chance with this girl...

He closed his eyes, said a quick prayer, lifted his leg just a little, and ripped the final (and loudest) fart of the day.

The girl stopped playing, looked up and said "FIDO!!! MOVE OR HE'LL **** ON YOU!"

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mystery-man
Burned Ear

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..."

"But how the heck did you burn the other ear?" The doctor asked.

"How do you think I called you people?"

660722[/snapback]

I have one similar to that.

A Lady is in hospital after having a fanny tuck, with three bouquets by her bed. One from her husband saying get well soon, one from the priest with a blessing and a third one from the man in the burns unit thanking her for his new ears.

and I have a few more here.

Animal Big Brother

Three frogs are taking part in animal big brother when they are called to the big brother chair. First one is called in and asked what his name is "Frog" he says, then he is asked what he has been doing he says "Blowing bubbles". Another frog is called in and asked his name "frog frog" he replies and then asked what he was doing "blowing bubbles" he says.

A third frog is called in and asked his name the frog replies, "My name is bubbles"

----------------------------------

Why is a lady like a public toilet?

Soemtimes, available, sometimes engaged and always full of $h*t.

------------------------------------

Three grannies are on a park bench when a flasher runs and flashes his c*ck at them.... Two had a stroke...... the other couldn't reach.

------------------------

Q. What car does Luke Skywalker drive?

A. A toyoda laugh.gif

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eveningsky339

What did they teddy bear say when he was offered more food?....

......wait for it........

......wait for it........

"No thanks, I'm stuffed!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA laugh.giflaugh.giflaugh.gifbounce.gifbounce.gif

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_Nyx_

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited

about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the

wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes

for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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eveningsky339

LOL laugh.gif

Once three women were stranded on an island; a redhead, a blonde, and a burnett. (sp) After spending eight harrowing days attempting to fix their stupid motor boat, they decide there is no way of getting off and sit down in the sand, broken and tired.

Miraculously, a genie suddenly appears in front of them. "Who rubbed the lamp?" the blonde asked. "You, idiot, you're sitting on it." said the genie. "Now down to business. I will grant you each one wish before I go back in the stupid lamp."

The women huddle together and decide that they should each wish to be back on the boat dock from where they came from, then they could be off this island for good.

The redhead spoke first. "I wish I was back on the boat dock." Suddenly she disappeared and was back on the boat dock.

Then the burnett. "I wish I was back on the boat dock." She disappeared and reappeared on the boat dock with her redheaded friend.

The blonde was going to wish, but she couldn't because she broke down crying. "Well," said the genie. "Hurry up and make a wish."

With tears in her eyes, lips trembling, the blonde looked up and said quietly, "I wish I had my friends back."

Edited by eveningsky339

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Ziggy Stardust

A man walks into a bar.

Ouch.

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justcallmefox

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

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