Official Unified Jokes Thread

[eveningsky339]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side, you retard.

[Pinowawa1]

eveningsky339, I see that You think its funny telling an old pathetic joke .. being the funny part .. but even that idea is old! lol .. Your profile quote is also old .. duuuuuuuudee .. *what the hell is going on in your head*?!? You have this tendency to say the things that have been said over and over again that almost everyone on the entire planet is sick of hearing.. Your like Tim Hennman.. His mouth is full of cleche's.. whats up with the old quotes and jokes? Why -what -what the hell?

[eveningsky339]

eveningsky339, I see that You think its funny telling an old pathetic joke .. being the funny part .. but even that idea is old! lol .. Your profile quote is also old .. duuuuuuuudee .. *what the hell is going on in your head*?!? You have this tendency to say the things that have been said over and over again that almost everyone on the entire planet is sick of hearing.. Your like Tim Hennman.. His mouth is full of cleche's.. whats up with the old quotes and jokes? Why -what -what the hell?

Tim Hennman is my new hero.

[Pinowawa1]

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOODD!!! Your full of it arnt you .. How could you say that!?!?!?!? ****Cries**** -- THERE IS NO GOD!!!!!!!!! WHYY WHYYY WHYYY!! TIM HENMANN?? YOUR HERO???? --((((THERE IS NO EMOTICON FOR WHAT I AM FEELING RITE NOW)))) --

[eveningsky339]

Well someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Breathe, man. Only joking. Breath.

Good grief...

[TheSpecter]

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

[nick_fury]

this one tickled me a bit:

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."

[TheSpecter]

You Know You're Out Of College When...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. Your potted plants stay alive.

3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.

6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

8. 8:00a.m. is not early.

9. You have to file for your own taxes.

10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

11. You're not carded anymore.

12. You carry an umbrella.

13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.

14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.

15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.

16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.

17. You start watching the weather channel.

18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.

19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.

22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.

23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.

24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.

25. Your car insurance goes down.

26. You refer to college students as kids.

27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

[eveningsky339]

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

********************************************************************

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

********************************************************************

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

Old people jokes...gotta love em...

[mystery-man]

Here's one for all you smokers.

Cigarette Warnings

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment."

Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information.

How about something like this:

* Warning: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?

* Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.

* Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

* Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

* Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not.

* Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any.

* Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.

* Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?

* Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

* Warning: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.

[eveningsky339]

And cigarette sales plummet.

[evilpiggiesandhammonsters]

i have a joke

these two muffins are in an oven and one turns to the other and says is it hot in here to you and the other muffin screams AHHHHHHHHH talking muffin!! i love that joke

[DEATHBOT 2000]

Linford Christie got arrested at an airport the other day.

He had a suspicious package.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two orcs walk into a Middle Earth bar one evening. One of the orcs is carrying a halfling under his arm, and he goes to sit at a table. The other orc goes to the bar and gets some drinks. The barman serves the orc, then says 'what's with your buddy over there, why is he carrying a halfling around with him?'. 'Well' the orc says, 'he collects them. Everyboy has to have a hobbit to keep them occupied don't they?'

[__Kratos__]

Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.

[eveningsky339]

...?

[djdodo]

1)Teacher tells a student

a=b, b=c implies a=c. Tell me an example.

Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your

daughter.

2) Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged

marriage"

It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or

"shoot himself".

3) What is a girl friend?

Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of

enemies & division of friends.

4) A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength,

Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.

He said, my strength is my wife.

My weakness is my neighbours wife.

Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out.

Threat comes when I myself go out

5)Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's

largest

waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high,

even 20

supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.

Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the

Niagara

Falls?"

[merlinhoot]

WalMart Diagnostic Computer

===========================

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong

and

what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a

doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the

urine

sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis

elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.

It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack

began

wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples

from his

wife and daughter, and m********ed into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the

results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant.

Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get

better.

Thank you for shopping at WalMart.

[The Original Chupa King]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Yule.

Yule who?

Yule never know until you open the door.

[The Original Chupa King]

A Canadian, an American, and a Hindi are floating in the ocean.

Sharks suddenly surround them.

They eat the Hindi and the American.

THE CANADIAN: "Oh, Lord, why did you spare me?"

THE SHARK: "I ate one of you last year, and my **** is still burning!"

[Walken]

That elbow one is fantastic!

[justcallmefox]

For those of you in England- (and anyone else who would get it)

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure, son. What's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?

Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.

Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?

Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of sh**.

[Bizeebutt]

I love it !!

[justcallmefox]

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?

Wife #2: Well, everytime he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?'

Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out?

Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.

[iac_tracker]

ok theres this blonde a brunette and a redhead there all in a race and thhey got to do the breast stroke so the red head comes in first and the brunette comes next 5 hours later the blonde gets to the finish line and the judge says "wut took u s o long and she says "thats not fair they used there hands!!"

[justcallmefox]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."