Official Unified Jokes Thread

[ships-cat]

This joke probably makes more sense if you are British, have lived in any of our major cities, and happen to know that Gordon Brown is the prime-minister of Britain. (something that many of us are desperately trying to forget).

President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100

years into the future.

>

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

>

President Obama goes first:

"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"?

>

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a

printout, he reads it out:

>

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is

non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no

worries"

>

Gordon Brown thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of

that" so he asks:

>

"What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"

>

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

>

But he just stares at it.

>

"Come on Gordon" says Obama, "Tell us what it says"

>

"I can't! It's all in Arabic!"

[bveeman]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word..

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word

'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

[adrenochromevortex]

a rabbi a midget and a pdiddy dancer walk into a bar. the bartender looks at tem and says "what is this a joke?"

[acidhead]

Are holocaust or 911 jokes allowed?

How about jokes about mohammed? or Jesus?.. religion..?

Gays..?... Lesbians..?...How about straight people?

What is allowed and what is not?

How does a person know what will or will not offend emotional people?

[Barnacle Battlefront]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its

strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer

resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

[richey100]

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.

He replied "I still love Vista, baby".

[War Eagle]

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.

He replied "I still love Vista, baby".

lol!

'Look it's a frickin' elephant!'

What kind is it?

'It's a frickin' elephant!!'

Yes, but what kind of elephant?!

''A f r i c a n Elephant!!!''

[Dan Dare]

lol!

'Look it's a frickin' elephant!'

What kind is it?

'It's a frickin' elephant!!'

Yes, but what kind of elephant?!

''A f r i c a n Elephant!!!''

Is that an African Bush Elephant or the African Forest Elephant? Or is it the imported one from India?

Dan Dare

[adrenochromevortex]

A man escapes form prison one day. still in his orange jump suit, he meanders to the suburbs via sewer and finds a promising house to knock on in broad daylight. A woman answers the door and invites him in, strangely. As He explains the situation he looks up and notices steeple-like beams going across the ceiling. she goes into her bedroom to get some of her husband's clothes for the escaped con. Just then a loud cop-knock hits the frontdoor. BANG BANG BANG!ANd the man jumps into the rafters whilst totally naked. All anyone could see of him is his enormous set of berries hanging down. The woman answers the door and the fuzz explains the situation. She says "no one has come by here." SO the cop points to the man's berries and says "wow are those chinese steeple balls? ive always wanted to hear them ring!" so he goes over to the set and clubs them hard with his truncheon; nothing. So he decides to let loose a powerful swing. "TING-A-LING YOU S.O.B.!"

[BiffSplitkins]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,

when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've

somethin' to tell ya".

" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,

Tim. But where's my husband?"

" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

" I must, Brenda.. Your husband Shamus is dead

and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"

" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of

Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,

Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Edited November 11, 2009 by BiffSplitkins

[Fitter]

Police and rescue services were called to a pub in Belfast today where they found 17 people stuck to the inside walls and ceilings of the bar room..

Police believe it is the IRA's first no-more-nails bomb.

F

[+DieChecker]

An Engineer here at Intel told me this one...

I once knew a Russian busdriver, who lived near where your from.

What was his name?

Pickup Andropov. (Pick Up And Drop Off)

[karl 12]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.” “I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. ”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a *******g brick wall!"

[Barnacle Battlefront]

Two men are sitting in a bar, at the top of a highrise building. One of the men has a shot of Tequila, walks onto the balcony, and jumps over the edge. A couple of minutes later, he steps out of the lift, and walks back to the bar. He has another shot of Tequila, walks onto the balcony, and once more, he jumps off the balcony. As he walks out of the lift a second time, the other man says to him

"How do you keep doing that?" The first man responds with:

" Well, the Tequila shot gives you enough bouyancy to float down to the bottom. Then you just come back up the lift, and do it all again." The second man is amazed by this, so he orders a shot of Tequila, then walks out to the balcony and jumps off. He plummets to the bottom and hits the pavement with a loud splat. The barman turns to the first man and says...

"Superman, you're a real prick when you're drunk!"

[bveeman]

CA NA DUH

Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.

Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Norway )

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )

A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[karl 12]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your **** and go as a toffee apple.

[Dimension_X]

10 fruits.

3 explorers were looking in the forest when they were captured by Indians. They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits. The first guy comes back with 10 bananas, and the chief says, shove them all up your butt without making a sound.

So the 1st guy gets 2 bananas in when he starts screaming, so the indians kill him. The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the indians killed him too.

Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies and into heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says 'Hey dude why did you laugh you could've gone back and told out families what had happened'.

The 2nd explorer replies, 'Sorry I just couldn't stop when I saw fred comin down the hill with 10 pineapples.

Edited November 25, 2009 by Dimension_X

[DevilDogPratt]

Whats the difference between a golf ball and an Escalade?

Tiger Woods can drive a golfball 300 yards

[+DieChecker]

I heard Tiger Woods was going to change his name, from Tiger to Cheetah.

I'm not sure, but I think initially he was Lion.

[BiffSplitkins]

 It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

                              Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

                              Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

                              Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

                              Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln ."

                              Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

                              Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

                              Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

                              Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

                              Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

                              Johnny is even madder than before.

                Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

                              Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

                              Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."                   

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.                    

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b*tch*s would keep their mouths shut!"                

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"  

                      

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[Belial]

WARNING - RISKY JOKE -

Two women walking home alone after a night out on the town, decide to stop and hop over the fence into the local cemetry for a quick piddle, the first women finishes first and wipes her lady garden with her knickers and throws them away, the second women does her piddle but uses a wreath to wipe her lady garden on.

The next day at the pub, the husbands of the two women say to each other, hey mick, i think my wifes having it away, she came home with no knickers last night...the other man said, thats nothing john, my wife had a card stuck in her backside and it said, we will never forget you, all our love from the rugby club

Edited February 24, 2010 by belial

[Leonardo]

The constipated accountant despaired when his calculator ran out of battery.

.

.

.

So he worked it out with a pencil, instead.

[_Nyx_]

Best pick-up line I've heard in a long time!

My friends over there bet me that I wouldn't talk to the most beautiful woman in the room. Wanna go buy some drinks with their money?

Not the best, I admit, but it did make me lol

[Professor Buzzkill]

Three men are waiting at the pearly gates to get into heaven.

St Peter comes out and tells them "Heaven is getting pretty full these days, you need to have died in a particualrly bad way to get in"

The first man stated that he was working out on his 10th floor balcony when he slipped over the edge. "But i managed to grab hold of a balcony a couple of floors down," he explained "then a man came running at me and started hitting my hands, and i fell!"

"Go on" said st peter.

"well i landed in some bushes, and just when i was thanking god i saw the same man on the balcony throwing a fridge. The fridge landed on me and i died!"

"well come in my child" St peter replied.

The second man steps up and says "Well, i thought my wife was cheating on me, so i came home early from work to my apartment on the 8th floor and found another car in my carpark. I ran up the stairs and burst in the frount door, and my wife was in her nightie!"

"go on" said st peter

"I went looking for the man she was with and eventually saw him holding onto the edge of the balcony like he was hiding. I hit at his hands to make him fall, but he fell into some bushes and was unhurt, so i pushed my fridge onto him. It was then that i had a heart attack due to stress and over exertion"

"Come in my child" St Peter replied.

The third man stepped up, and St Peter asked, "what happend to you?"

"I was in the fridge"

[Agent Darkbootie]

Last night I was playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.