Alzheimer

[bmk1245]

And another thing, when she gets overanxious (nothing else works), I slapped her in the cheek (just snap off it). I know, its abuse, but it works till extreme pills (bromazepam) start to work... And yet another thing, spraying water calms her down...

Its abuse, 100%, but it works, in this case. What is the better way to calm down? Pills? Physical?

PS yeah, I'm terrible human, I know it, but  I'm honest 'bout whats happening.

PPS I'm racing my dad to die...

[+ouija ouija]

1 hour ago, bmk1245 said:

And another thing, when she gets overanxious (nothing else works), I slapped her in the cheek (just snap off it). I know, its abuse, but it works till extreme pills (bromazepam) start to work... And yet another thing, spraying water calms her down...

Its abuse, 100%, but it works, in this case. What is the better way to calm down? Pills? Physical?

PS yeah, I'm terrible human, I know it, but  I'm honest 'bout whats happening.

PPS I'm racing my dad to die...

No, you are most certainly not a terrible human! The water spraying and even the slap, are not abuse if they are tightly controlled and not indiscriminate or used because it makes you feel better. Perhaps don't let these things become your 'go to' solutions. Maybe keep looking for alternate ways to calm her down . . . there's nothing wrong with medication if it makes her feel relaxed and comfortable. It sounds like you're doing a great job keeping her amused . . . keep up the good work! And like Sherapy said, make as much time as you can for yourself, get as much help as you can. Good Luck!

[bmk1245]

2 hours ago, ouija ouija said:

No, you are most certainly not a terrible human! The water spraying and even the slap, are not abuse if they are tightly controlled and not indiscriminate or used because it makes you feel better. Perhaps don't let these things become your 'go to' solutions. Maybe keep looking for alternate ways to calm her down . . . there's nothing wrong with medication if it makes her feel relaxed and comfortable. It sounds like you're doing a great job keeping her amused . . . keep up the good work! And like Sherapy said, make as much time as you can for yourself, get as much help as you can. Good Luck!

ouija, I am terrible human, I admitted that to myself, that counts.

Thank you for kind words.

[bmk1245]

Heh, she got on the rant "God gave me you" on the loop, I responded with "Devil created us both" on the loop.... Took some time to swallow it ))))

Putting yt video with funny animals with soothing music... And here we go again "I'm idiot, you are hungry, let me check what I have in the fridge"...  Heh, I respond with "I haven't eating for 10 years" on the loop... *****... have to come up with new (and repeating old ones) bs everyday)))

 Edit to add video:

 

Edited October 31, 2024 by bmk1245

[Claira]

2 hours ago, bmk1245 said:

I am terrible human, I admitted that to myself, that counts.

Yes that counts, but what will count even more is putting a stop to that abuse — and yes, it is abuse.

Caring for someone with Alzheimer's is extremely challenging and it's not uncommon for caregivers to get frustrated, impatient, even angry. Those feelings are also likely to be compounded when caring for someone you bear additional, unrelated, resentment towards.

I don't know what resources are available, but contacting your local Alzheimer's Association might be a good place to start. It's very important that you understand your limits and not hesitate to ask for help as it is near impossible for you to meet your mother's complex and ever-changing care needs on your own. Furthermore, in trying to do so, you run the risk of burn out, not to mention depression and/or other illnesses.

You mentioned having looked into care homes, and I urge you to continue doing so, as there will come a time, if it hasn't already, where your mother's condition will warrant specialized, round the clock, care.

I wish you both the best.

[bmk1245]

14 minutes ago, Claira said:

Yes that counts, but what will count even more is putting a stop to that abuse — and yes, it is abuse.

Caring for someone with Alzheimer's is extremely challenging and it's not uncommon for caregivers to get frustrated, impatient, even angry. Those feelings are also likely to be compounded when caring for someone you bear additional, unrelated, resentment towards.

I don't know what resources are available, but contacting your local Alzheimer's Association might be a good place to start. It's very important that you understand your limits and not hesitate to ask for help as it is near impossible for you to meet your mother's complex and ever-changing care needs on your own. Furthermore, in trying to do so, you run the risk of burn out, not to mention depression and/or other illnesses.

You mentioned having looked into care homes, and I urge you to continue doing so, as there will come a time, if it hasn't already, where your mother's condition will warrant specialized, round the clock, care.

I wish you both the best.

Thank you for suggestions, Claira. And I hate myself for abuse... Maybe its unconscious revenge for bloody beatings, don't know. Consciously, she was good mother, despite her despotism.

Christ, at least, I'll see bin Laden in hell...

Nevertheless, I'll go to the grave much sooner... Genetics plus other things... After me... Thats for my sister to decide.

Wish you well.

[CrimsonKing]

17 minutes ago, bmk1245 said:

Thank you for suggestions, Claira. And I hate myself for abuse... Maybe its unconscious revenge for bloody beatings, don't know. Consciously, she was good mother, despite her despotism.

Christ, at least, I'll see bin Laden in hell...

Nevertheless, I'll go to the grave much sooner... Genetics plus other things... After me... Thats for my sister to decide.

Wish you well.

Hate to hear of your situation,I got to watch my great grandfather have his mind taken in the early 90's from Alzheimer's,and it's something I wouldn't wish on anyone or anyone who has to care for them...

One of his daughters my grandmother passed earlier this week in late stage dementia, it's creepy as hell seeing it at work,and for your own sanity it sounds as if it may be time to put her in a place where people are trained to deal with her illness.

No matter the past,she is in no way able to make amends,and shouldn't be mistreated in her condition.

All the best man.

 

[Claira]

12 minutes ago, bmk1245 said:

Thank you for suggestions, Claira. And I hate myself for abuse... Maybe its unconscious revenge for bloody beatings, don't know. Consciously, she was good mother, despite her despotism.

Christ, at least, I'll see bin Laden in hell...

Nevertheless, I'll go to the grave much sooner... Genetics plus other things... After me... Thats for my sister to decide.

Wish you well.

Don't be hard on yourself. Your emotions are understandable, which is why I stressed the importance of self-care. You're in a difficult and demanding situation and I'm sorry you're facing it alone. What you must strive for now is providing your mother with the best quality of life you are able to give her, and you must also do the same for yourself.

[bmk1245]

Somebody really "loves" me... I efing managed to spray ankle on the efing flat surface... My luck just got funnier...

[Bed of chaos]

On 10/30/2024 at 3:18 PM, bmk1245 said:

Thank you.

Main problem is... How to say it... I'd describe it as 'food fetish' (it was way back when she was still in full brain capacity). That ****e multiplied by 10 drives me crazy... She constantly (with 5 minute intervals) insists for me to eat something 'cause "You are hungry", "You haven't eaten all day", "Your fridge is empty". Even if we eat together (I show her how massive pile of food is in my bowl), doesn't matter to her, several minutes and "You are hungry, eat something".

I'm trying to distract her with 3+ puzzles (20 pieces), game with cubes, even chess (yes, she still have it), works for several minutes .. And... "Oh, you are hungry, let me check my fridge"... Fridge of hers is running 24/7, 'cause she constantly checks what she has in it.

Another thing, her memory flips 180 degrees, for example, we go for the walk, after returning, several minutes and "We haven't went for the walk today" schtick comes in, though, when someone calls (on my phone) later, she describes events almost to perfection "We had ice cream, went to shop, saw swan, etc". Same with mood...

There are many more quirks...

BTW, physically, shes strong as hell (despite her nearing 92), can walk mile/two per day, In bad weather, she makes that run in her flat)))

My father has dementia. He's also partially disabled (trouble walking) and prone to (incontinent) accidents. Any nursing home would probably kick him out. Count ur blessings, it doesn't get worse. I deal w the same issues. Lately, he gets up at 3-4am hunting in kitchen for food. Which is dangerous (walking alone). I'd get used to the same questions. You might consider leaving a big notepad next to her. I've done this multiple times. With reminders like "you ate dinner at 6pm". Or leave snacks out.

In regards to bureaucracy of MD's and medication? Yeah, it sucks. Roll with the punches. Or check into a part time mental health aid. Figure out available resources. Sorry for bad situation and good luck.

Edited October 31, 2024 by Bed of chaos

[bmk1245]

9 hours ago, Bed of chaos said:

My father has dementia. He's also partially disabled (trouble walking) and prone to (incontinent) accidents. Any nursing home would probably kick him out. Count ur blessings, it doesn't get worse. I deal w the same issues. Lately, he gets up at 3-4am hunting in kitchen for food. Which is dangerous (walking alone). I'd get used to the same questions. You might consider leaving a big notepad next to her. I've done this multiple times. With reminders like "you ate dinner at 6pm". Or leave snacks out.

In regards to bureaucracy of MD's and medication? Yeah, it sucks. Roll with the punches. Or check into a part time mental health aid. Figure out available resources. Sorry for bad situation and good luck.

Thank you for suggestions, I'll try that.

Don't know if it will help, my mum walks with walking sticks, without sticks she was walking like zombie, stiff hands, hunching forwards. Maybe walking sticks could help your dad with motorics.

[psyche101]

23 hours ago, bmk1245 said:

And another thing, when she gets overanxious (nothing else works), I slapped her in the cheek (just snap off it). I know, its abuse, but it works till extreme pills (bromazepam) start to work... And yet another thing, spraying water calms her down...

Its abuse, 100%, but it works, in this case. What is the better way to calm down? Pills? Physical?

PS yeah, I'm terrible human, I know it, but  I'm honest 'bout whats happening.

Everyone has a breaking point bro, don't beat yourself up over being human. 

My dad passed with Alzheimer's and dementia some time ago now. It was a tough time. Hopefully your mother still has control over her bodily functions. It's nasty when that goes. My older sister and I ended up sharing caring. I was crushed for weeks when he went though, hit me hard. As expected as it can be, it's always unexpected. It hurts. Take as many good moments while you can. My parents were WWII era, it was a different world and I get there are bad memories from generational conflict, make some good memories if you can while you can.

Can I ask why you are so against pills. If you are caring for her, it's for you as well as her quality of life. With you in the picture it doesn't have to be a pill for everything. Just when it's really necessary. Suffering as your mother is, she has brain imbalances causing the issues. Pills can assist with that if your doctor is helpful and understands your concerns. I would think of it more like taking aspirin for a headache. 

23 hours ago, bmk1245 said:

PPS I'm racing my dad to die...

Dude. WTF? You have to give me a hard time in the political forums, and an ali in the UFO forums, so you can't go anywhere for a while ok. I need the challenge and support from you so don't let me down bro. Stick around. How long has it been now? 15 years?

Edited November 1, 2024 by psyche101

[bmk1245]

2 hours ago, psyche101 said:

Everyone has a breaking point bro, don't beat yourself up over being human. 

My dad passed with Alzheimer's and dementia some time ago now. It was a tough time. Hopefully your mother still has control over her bodily functions. It's nasty when that goes. My older sister and I ended up sharing caring. I was crushed for weeks when he went though, hit me hard. As expected as it can be, it's always unexpected. It hurts. Take as many good moments while you can. My parents were WWII era, it was a different world and I get there are bad memories from generational conflict, make some good memories if you can while you can.

Can I ask why you are so against pills. If you are caring for her, it's for you as well as her quality of life. With you in the picture it doesn't have to be a pill for everything. Just when it's really necessary. Suffering as your mother is, she has brain imbalances causing the issues. Pills can assist with that if your doctor is helpful and understands your concerns. I would think of it more like taking aspirin for a headache. 

Dude. WTF? You have to give me a hard time in the political forums, and an ali in the UFO forums, so you can't go anywhere for a while ok. I need the challenge and support from you so don't let me down bro. Stick around. How long has it been now? 15 years?

Well. I may be a bit stronger than my dad... She drove him to overindulgence of alcohol, and untimely death... Constant nagging, then playing victim... Thats why I Ieft at 16 to live with grandpa. Thats why sister left to UK... Despotic mind (as her mothers') caused many curfuffles through years....

And yeah, as you, I joined UM back in 2008... Damn... I'm freakin' old.... Fun goes with the consequences...

[psyche101]

9 minutes ago, bmk1245 said:

Well. I may be a bit stronger than my dad... She drove him to overindulgence of alcohol, and untimely death... Constant nagging, then playing victim... Thats why I Ieft at 16 to live with grandpa. Thats why sister left to UK... Despotic mind (as her mothers') caused many curfuffles through years....

I get it. My mother showed up at my dad's funeral dressed poorly and made it all about her. I was pretty disappointed. 

I'm still in her corner though. We probably have a lot in common actually. 

9 minutes ago, bmk1245 said:

And yeah, as you, I joined UM back in 2008... Damn... I'm freakin' old.... Fun goes with the consequences...

LoL, getting old isn't for the feint hearted. Were probably a similar vintage. They built things to last back then lol. You got this bro. It will be over when it's over and life will be completely different again. 

You're doing the right thing. Bad people don't ask if they are bad people mate. You are not a horrible person. Even I like you and you know how difficult I can be

[bmk1245]

5 hours ago, psyche101 said:

I get it. My mother showed up at my dad's funeral dressed poorly and made it all about her. I was pretty disappointed. 

[...]

Heh, we might be brothers)))) Good grief... From "I hate you, moron" to "How I'll live without you",... Don't know about your mother, but mine needs attention, for all to see her victimhood, pain, suffering...

We talked with sister a lot... Came to the conclusion - mum is (was) physiological vampire, drains your psyche till you "I'm out, good bye". Even my steel-nerves grandpa would f away to the garden to make few grams of vodka...

[bmk1245]

Heh, soviets. probably, made this animation based on my mums behaviour (autotranslation kinda sucks), but couple of minutes paints the picture.

 

[+Sherapy]

On 10/30/2024 at 12:18 PM, bmk1245 said:

Thank you.

Main problem is... How to say it... I'd describe it as 'food fetish' (it was way back when she was still in full brain capacity). That ****e multiplied by 10 drives me crazy... She constantly (with 5 minute intervals) insists for me to eat something 'cause "You are hungry", "You haven't eaten all day", "Your fridge is empty". Even if we eat together (I show her how massive pile of food is in my bowl), doesn't matter to her, several minutes and "You are hungry, eat something".

I'm trying to distract her with 3+ puzzles (20 pieces), game with cubes, even chess (yes, she still have it), works for several minutes .. And... "Oh, you are hungry, let me check my fridge"... Fridge of hers is running 24/7, 'cause she constantly checks what she has in it.

Another thing, her memory flips 180 degrees, for example, we go for the walk, after returning, several minutes and "We haven't went for the walk today" schtick comes in, though, when someone calls (on my phone) later, she describes events almost to perfection "We had ice cream, went to shop, saw swan, etc". Same with mood...

There are many more quirks...

BTW, physically, shes strong as hell (despite her nearing 92), can walk mile/two per day, In bad weather, she makes that run in her flat)))

Sounds to me like you are guiding her with empathy and compassion. Well done💖

[Kenemet]

On 10/31/2024 at 3:02 AM, bmk1245 said:

And another thing, when she gets overanxious (nothing else works), I slapped her in the cheek (just snap off it). I know, its abuse, but it works till extreme pills (bromazepam) start to work... And yet another thing, spraying water calms her down...

Its abuse, 100%, but it works, in this case. What is the better way to calm down? Pills? Physical?

PS yeah, I'm terrible human, I know it, but  I'm honest 'bout whats happening.

PPS I'm racing my dad to die...

Look for an online support group (I have one for Parkinson's) -- they will give you an idea of what's coming, what things work, what you can do, and they can tell you about their solutions.  I have seen a number of suggestions on how to handle dementia (because it goes hand in hand with Parkinsons)... I'm sure a group could give you some options.

My group's a Facebook group.  Tried several before I found the perfect one.

 

[bmk1245]

9 hours ago, Sherapy said:

Sounds to me like you are guiding her with empathy and compassion. Well done💖

Well, don't know what drives me...

BTW, have to persuade her to drink water, otherwise she would barely drink ~0.5 liter per day...

Cut her coffee intake, various tees instead, noticed better sleep.

[bmk1245]

8 hours ago, Kenemet said:

Look for an online support group (I have one for Parkinson's) -- they will give you an idea of what's coming, what things work, what you can do, and they can tell you about their solutions.  I have seen a number of suggestions on how to handle dementia (because it goes hand in hand with Parkinsons)... I'm sure a group could give you some options.

My group's a Facebook group.  Tried several before I found the perfect one.

 

Thank God, she doesn't display Parkinson's signs.

 

PS I hate FB on other social media kinds...

[psyche101]

2 hours ago, bmk1245 said:

Thank God, she doesn't display Parkinson's signs.

 

PS I hate FB on other social media kinds...

My dad had that at the end too. Used a straw to drink. I think it's what bothered him most to be honest. Losing that control.

[psyche101]

15 hours ago, bmk1245 said:

Heh, we might be brothers)))) Good grief... From "I hate you, moron" to "How I'll live without you",... Don't know about your mother, but mine needs attention, for all to see her victimhood, pain, suffering...

We talked with sister a lot... Came to the conclusion - mum is (was) physiological vampire, drains your psyche till you "I'm out, good bye". Even my steel-nerves grandpa would f away to the garden to make few grams of vodka...

Hey brother, my dad did live in Belgium for awhile, maybe we are loosely related lol. He visited many places in his life. 

Yes, same traits. Look at me, I deserve more. Do you ever get the feeling you were born as an old age investment? My father never made me feel that way and I was kept away from him most of my life. 

[Claira]

17 hours ago, bmk1245 said:

Heh, we might be brothers)))) Good grief... From "I hate you, moron" to "How I'll live without you",... Don't know about your mother, but mine needs attention, for all to see her victimhood, pain, suffering...

We talked with sister a lot... Came to the conclusion - mum is (was) physiological vampire, drains your psyche till you "I'm out, good bye". Even my steel-nerves grandpa would f away to the garden to make few grams of vodka...

One of the challenges we all face is seeing our parents not as parents but as people. One of my great grandmothers was cold, aloof and seemingly uncaring. Those icy blue eyes of hers could burn a hole through a person. It wasn't until I learned what she went through during the Holocaust that I understood how her traumatic life experience shaped her as a person. People are who they are for a reason.

Perhaps your mother's life also wasn't the greatest, which is why she may have been as difficult as she was. And whilst she may or may not deserve your compassion, she needs it — you know that as I believe it's what drives you. You are now doing what you can to ensure that her remaining years are as good as they can possibly be under the most trying of circumstances. So whatever you do moving forward, do it in such a way that you remain guilt-free and at peace with yourself and your relationship with her.

[bmk1245]

On 11/2/2024 at 10:51 AM, psyche101 said:

My dad had that at the end too. Used a straw to drink. I think it's what bothered him most to be honest. Losing that control.

My dad was making his own beverages, i.e. wine (~80 liters per year), and "whisky" from some of that wine ))) Oooofff, naaasty stuff...

[bmk1245]

On 11/2/2024 at 12:34 PM, Claira said:

One of the challenges we all face is seeing our parents not as parents but as people. One of my great grandmothers was cold, aloof and seemingly uncaring. Those icy blue eyes of hers could burn a hole through a person. It wasn't until I learned what she went through during the Holocaust that I understood how her traumatic life experience shaped her as a person. People are who they are for a reason.

[...]

She experienced some hunger during WWII, so, her sick obsession with the food may stem from her childhood, and, maybe. her mother being despot played the role in it as well.

 

On 11/2/2024 at 12:34 PM, Claira said:

[...]

Perhaps your mother's life also wasn't the greatest, which is why she may have been as difficult as she was. And whilst she may or may not deserve your compassion, she needs it — you know that as I believe it's what drives you. You are now doing what you can to ensure that her remaining years are as good as they can possibly be under the most trying of circumstances. So whatever you do moving forward, do it in such a way that you remain guilt-free and at peace with yourself and your relationship with her.

She was great mother, except her perverse sense of what "good" is/means... Stuffing your throat with "goodness" up to the gills ain't good thing.

Anyway, found optimal way to deal with her bs, though don't know how long it will last: once she is starting to wind herself up with usual bs, I excuse myself, and leave "to attend some business" for couple hours. .  Alone she calms down, and upon my return she almost normal. Basically, I'm with her 2 to 4 hours in the morning (depends on when she wakes up) up to 12:00, then taking the break till 14:00, then spending 2,3 hours together, then again the break, and spending time with her from 18:00 till she goes to sleep (latest 21:00). As there is almost winter, days are short, so she tends to go to sleep earlier (couple of days even at ~19:00).

Edited November 11, 2024 by bmk1245