Worst Opening Paragraph You Can Write

[Maelstrom5]

OMG - these were hilarious! I sense some serious contenders for the next Bulwer-Lytton writing contest...

[RamboIII]

Once upon a time... and they lived happily ever after. I WIN!

[artymoon]

It was a dark and crusty night in the little town of Hellppamee....a night I won't forget...a night when all heck broke loose. There wasn't one hellppameein in town that wouldn't be effected....that wouldn't feel the wrath. It pains me to relive this time in my life, as I was once a hellppammeein....but I know I must continue onward and occassionally scratch the scars that will itch in my soul......... FOREVER.

[MrVelvet]

mmm

Edited August 13, 2006 by MrVelvet

[MrVelvet]

mmm

Edited August 13, 2006 by MrVelvet

[Matches]

Mary was no ordinary girl. Sure, she had friends and enemies and knew all the name brands like a normal girl, but Mary had a little secret. Little did the rest of the world know that little Mary has split personalities. One of these personalities, Tammy, is EVIL! When Mary is asleep, Tammy takes over and wreaks havoc, murdering small children, destroying relationships, and smoking cigarettes. While Tammy has taken over the body, Mary doesn't know what's happening at night, and everybody blames HER for it! What a tragedy! Tammy is wrecking her life, but darn does she look good in bad-girl leather.

(Eh, I tried.)

[FrankBlunt]

The smell of Summer is in the air: power lines blooming with unkempt, gamy sneakers bound together haphazardly by local youths in need of a swift back stroke from the immaculately groomed hand of Martha Stewart. Like baby's breath during the annual chili cook-off between vigilantly challenged parents and guardians, the heat is intolerable. Industrious black ants devour the slimy remains of sidewalk crossing snails that fell victim to the 'grass is always greener' proverb under that big yellow mucous evaporator in the sky. Shells remain undisturbed for wayward slugs who prefer to take evolution into their own hands, or wormy lack thereof. What coastal dwelling slugs fear most are the legendary casts of miniature hermit crabs who prowl the city streets bent on inheriting brittle and tawdry models of that which they could otherwise seek and claim in open waters.

[MrVelvet]

[q

Edited August 13, 2006 by MrVelvet

[Mario.........]

BEHOLD! THE WORST OPENING PARAGRAPH THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN!

Edit; Mario, don't post uninterrupted periods in your message, it distorts the main viewing window.

Edited August 12, 2006 by Magikman

[FrankBlunt]

BEHOLD! THE WORST OPENING PARAGRAPH THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN!

..................................................................................................................................

May I refer to you as Dr. Mario Infinity Dot, The Magnificent Margin Manipulator?

[MrVelvet]

Wh

Edited August 13, 2006 by MrVelvet

[FrankBlunt]

I asked the mods to remove the exorbitant quantity of periods. Too bad contiguous text can't wrap when it exceeds the margins.

Edited August 12, 2006 by Magikman

[FrankBlunt]

During an impromptu ceremony at the store this afternoon, Keith received a merit award for corporate excellence in manual collation by an employee formerly distinguished for keen awareness of elementary copier menu options. The trophy doesn't fit on his desk, now occupied by cardboard boxes to house his personal effects. Having taken account of his colleagues' sullen expressions and unforeseen, patronizing claps on the shoulder, he opted to announce publicly that Quick Copy, Inc. had selected him for a prestigious field assignment in freelance occupational acquisition.

Edited August 12, 2006 by FrankBlunt

[artymoon]

During an impromptu ceremony at the store this afternoon, Keith received a merit award for corporate excellence in manual collation by an employee formerly distinguished for keen awareness of elementary copier menu options. The trophy doesn't fit on his desk, now occupied by cardboard boxes to house his personal effects. Having taken account of his colleagues' sullen expressions and unforeseen, patronizing claps on the shoulder, he opted to announce publicly that Quick Copy, Inc. had selected him for a prestigious field assignment in freelance occupational acquisition.

I have a feeling this thread is right up your alley You crack me up.

--Many, many moons ago, in a town far away, there lived a man named Hector. Hector was loved by all who knew him. The people used to listen to him play three nights a week, at Los Tacos Cafe, a favorite hangout in town...where Hector played guitar while laying down.

[Magikman]

Mr. Velvet,

Removing moderator notes from your post is a suspendable offense, you'll want to keep that in mind the next time you are admonished for an inappropriate comment. You may have gotten the message, but it is put there so anyone else participating will also understand how to conduct themselves, its intent was lost when you removed it.

MM

[FrankBlunt]

I'm glad you're enjoying the material Arty.

Mr. Velvet,

You deleted most all of your entries today. How come? You have a rare talent, my friend. I hope you saved the copies and will consider reposting them. I got your Al Kayda joke, but was too busy brewing and uploading my own byproducts of dementia onto UM to comment. At the very least, you need to replace your paragraph with the meterological jargon so that my request to Ol Drippy will make sense again.

Anyway, below is my new contribution.

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Historically, cruise lines have navigated as the crow flies whenever feasible, so Ward and June had no reason to conceive of a differing itinerary on their romantic sojourn, replete with twin beds in the hopes of convincing the travel agent that Wally and Theodore were created by the process of mitosis. The ship's frequent stops, sudden revolutions, unscheduled backtracking, and horn bellowing repeatedly at anything mobile stressed an emphasis upon travel as the duck floats. It came as no surprise when the captain announced the ship's return to America would be delayed until March of the following year.

Edited August 13, 2006 by FrankBlunt

[Matches]

After reading some of the worst tween angst I've ever seen, I've decided to make another contribution to the society of the amused.

If ever there was a time to be afraid, it was the day that Amelia was finally rejected by a member of the opposite gender. The reason the absolute pandemonium in the break room broke out was because Marcus completely ignored her pleas for attention. It was about time she got returned to sender for inappropriate packaging, but Marcus didn't have to tell the newest member of the mailroom team she was violating dress code in such a harsh manner. After an angry display, Amelia finally decided to get revenge, and thus begins our story.

[FrankBlunt]

Dale was previously employed as a lobbyist with Fruit Sticker Consumption Prevention Alliance, a non-profit organization with a mission to educate supermarket clerks across the nation in produce identification. He'd been met with fierce opposition from unions fighting diligently to retain mediocrity, and chemical manufacturers responsible for adhesive production. After years of courtroom battles, addresses to Congress, and taxpayer subsidized seminars in Las Vegas, Dale encountered an insurmountable obstacle. Union representatives succeeded in silencing Dale and his cohorts once and for all. Following the introduction of organic produce, clerks working at supermarket locations that had complied with F.S.C.P.A.'s sticker-free demands had filed grievances concerning the policy of licking fruit skins at check-out to determine pesticide content. But Dale was not born a quitter, and hopes to continue his crusade by visiting kindergarten classrooms, teaching his revolutionary "2 R Technique", Revolve and Remove.

[kaknelson]

Dale was previously employed as a lobbyist with Fruit Sticker Consumption Prevention Alliance, a non-profit organization with a mission to educate supermarket clerks across the nation in produce identification. He'd been met with fierce opposition from unions fighting diligently to retain mediocrity, and chemical manufacturers responsible for adhesive production. After years of courtroom battles, addresses to Congress, and taxpayer subsidized seminars in Las Vegas, Dale encountered an insurmountable obstacle. Union representatives succeeded in silencing Dale and his cohorts once and for all. Following the introduction of organic produce, clerks working at supermarket locations that had complied with F.S.C.P.A.'s sticker-free demands had filed grievances concerning the policy of licking fruit skins at check-out to determine pesticide content. But Dale was not born a quitter, and hopes to continue his crusade by visiting kindergarten classrooms, teaching his revolutionary "2 R Technique", Revolve and Remove.

Blunt, you deserve a trophy for that masterpiece. I was shaking my head and laughing at the same time. :

[FrankBlunt]

Blunt, you deserve a trophy for that masterpiece. I was shaking my head and laughing at the same time. :

Hey, Kak,

It's nice to know my work is appreciated and also a source of astonished bewilderment. I'll give you a little inside line on the insanity that inspired my latest submission. First, I hate it when organic apples are mistakenly placed in the pesticide bin, and clerks never fail to find the highest valued sticker at the time of purchase. Hence, I hate organic produce. Second, years ago I wondered, with the collective fruit sticker peeling time of the entire world (It being unnecessary if only clerks were trained to identify fruit properly and organic farmers had found something better to do with their lives), how much time passes before the equivalent of a human life is lost?

In case you were thrown by my earlier paragraph and my decision to refer to the collective of crabs as a cast, below is a link with the most comprehensive animal groupings I've ever seen. This type of information is a wonderful writing tool, especially when composing dumb paragraphs. Some of the group names are hysterical: Orchestra of crickets, troubling of goldfish, bloat of hippopotami, smack of jellyfish, buffoonery of orangutans, etc.

Animal Groupings

[FrankBlunt]

Independent contractors in the field of tight rope walking always dreaded the circus coming to town. It meant a two week slump in business retrieving laundry between highrise apartments for arthritic housewives lacking the strength to operate the cranks. The walkers are able-bodied, but 'Clothesline Yanker' lacks luster. Circus performers are known to broker deals with residents where accomodations are provided in exchange for their unique talents. While men who jam their heads into lions' mouths easily find lodging with rural veterinarians or dentists with irresponsible patients, unicyclist jugglers are normally left to fend for themselves: deviants on account of their peculiar mingling of career pursuits. They've been known to conspire with local tight rope walkers, familiar with citizens' routines, to pilfer clothing later sold at second hand shops. One job they have planned for Pittsburgh in five days would otherwise require a crane for placement upon the cycles, but circus folk are inherently suspicious of outsiders, so the unicyclists are in the process of cross-training with their colleague, Ashy Britches, The Human Cannonball.

Edited August 21, 2006 by FrankBlunt

[+Link of Hyrule]

The worst opening paragraph to a novel has to be filled with every cliche in the book. Foreboding weather. A writer, with an oldstyle typewriter. Abandoned house. Middle of nowhere. Dark name for characters. Hints to supernatural phenomena. This paragraph has them all.

It was a dark and stormy winter evening. As Paul Raven sat at his typewriter, he pondered the calamatous turn of events that led him to the attic of this abandoned house in the foothills of Scotland. Lightning flashed, painting the rafters in a white-blue glow that dissipated quickly. If only the spectres that had haunted him would vanish so quickly, Raven thought bitterly. The ordeal was over, but his horror had only just begun. Raven adjusted the snow-white paper in his typewriter, and struck the first key. The clickety-clack as the key depressed reverberated through the attic. Again he pressed another key, and another. Thus were the chronicles of Paul Raven documented......

[Saint]

The clouds pressed ominously against the leaden sky. Storm Burke, a beautiful blonde with stunning blue eyes, an hour glass figure, and curves in all the right places was a touch worried. Her butterfly fingers touched her silken curls in an indecisive gesture. Should she phone her handsome husband or should she wait to see if he could ride out the storm and come home to her, his hulky reassuring figure a comfort and an ease?

[Kryso]

The worst opening paragraph to a novel has to be filled with every cliche in the book. Foreboding weather. A writer, with an oldstyle typewriter. Abandoned house. Middle of nowhere. Dark name for characters. Hints to supernatural phenomena. This paragraph has them all.

It was a dark and stormy winter evening. As Paul Raven sat at his typewriter, he pondered the calamatous turn of events that led him to the attic of this abandoned house in the foothills of Scotland. Lightning flashed, painting the rafters in a white-blue glow that dissipated quickly. If only the spectres that had haunted him would vanish so quickly, Raven thought bitterly. The ordeal was over, but his horror had only just begun. Raven adjusted the snow-white paper in his typewriter, and struck the first key. The clickety-clack as the key depressed reverberated through the attic. Again he pressed another key, and another. Thus were the chronicles of Paul Raven documented......

That was good? Perfectly sets up the rest of the book.

[hippiegirl]

She looked down into his cold eyes. Fresh blood drying on her bottom lip. She had told him not to look at her that way. Lust rolling behind his eyes. Now he was dead and it was her fault. Oh well she shrugged, turning on her heel she picked up the phone reciver... And ordered a pizza. The End