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some more funnies


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Just a few more funnies i got mailed today(Highly edited i might add).

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and


associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt


knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he


his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against



4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet


I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the


6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife

tripped and

fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the

walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain


8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath



Michael was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his


friend Robert. As Robert stood beside the bed, Michael's frail


grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.


lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Michael used his last

ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.

Robert thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped


into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Robert was

visting Michael's family. He realized that he was wearing the same


that he'd worn the day Michael died.

"You know," he said, "Michael handed me a note just before he died. I

haven't read it, but knowing Michael, I'm sure there's a word of


there for us all. "

He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen




A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was

1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.


invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the


and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next

morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire


polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this

system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of


"WOW !!! That's great. What happened next", said the young man.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.", said the





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  • Kira


  • crosis


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  • cerberus


Dear Employees:

                         It has been brought to management's attention


some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language

during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to

complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,


type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do  however, realize


critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings


communicating wiith  co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING"  new phrases has been provided so


proper exchange of  ideas and information can continue in an effective

manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING:  Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF:  And when the **** do you expect me to do this?


TRY SAYING:  I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF:  No ****ing way.


TRY SAYING:  Really?

INSTEAD OF:  You've got to be sh***ing me!


TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a ****.


TRY SAYING:  I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:  It's not my ****ing problem.


TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF:  What the ****?


TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This **** won't work.


TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:  He's got his head up his ass.


TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat **** and die.


TRY SAYING:  So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:  Kiss my ass.


TRY SAYING:  I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:  **** it, I'm on salary.


TRY SAYING:  I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF:  This job sucks.


TRY SAYING:  You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF:  Who the hell died and made you boss?



INSTEAD OF:  Blow me.


TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a pr**k.


TRY SAYING:  I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:  You don't know what the **** you're doing.


Thank You,  Human Resources



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:st  :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2

Very funny another to print off and take to work

                  thanx crosis

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           I liked the 'management memo'!   :s2  :s2

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:s2I second that KC:s2

TRY SAYING:  Really?

INSTEAD OF:  You've got to be sh***ing me! (<---I say that one a lot myself)  :s2

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:s2 very funny :s2

I like the managements memo also

As far as the rich guy goes, provided he didn't need to live off his apple money for the first week, he would be the richest person in the world just by doubling his money each day for the month. But I don't mean to ruin the humor, and it is very funny ;D

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:s2Thank you, they really made me laugh out loud.

Only I burnt the inside of my nose as I was drinking HOT Tea at the time, and it shot out mt nose while laughing :s07

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::) Halo? U ok........?

Can I just point out something..................................

      u r not supposed to snort tea ;D :s01

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Yes I realise that NOW :s2

And I just need to sayOUCH :o

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:s2 :s2 :s2 :s2

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  • 1 month later...

try www.b3ta.com/buffyswear/ its great if your stressed out! here is an animation website.takes a few minutes to load..be patient! it's nuts! just watch! www.verylowsodium.com/fanimutation/dash.swf             and finally... recreate your very own cyber town a la star trek! www.citycreator.com

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try this link for some great tips on how to cook your favourite aliens.... www.users.bigpond.net.au/wanglese/alien_recipes.html#types

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