Mark Dohle

The inner ocean

July 6, 2009 |  15 comments
Image Credit: sxc.hu I had the honor of attending a talk by Wm. Paul Young yesterday, who is the author of the book "The Shack". At first glance there is nothing about him that would attract anyone's attention. He is a normal looking man, shorter than average, a little overweight, and balding. In fact he is a lot like me, though I am a little taller. Yet appearances can be deceiving, for his book is something truly extraordinary in the way that it has touched people's hearts and minds.

There is one thing that struck me about his man, which is most likely, a lot of projection on my part, but I will mention it any way. He talks about the great sadness that the main character is afflicted with, and this hit a deep cord in me. I also perceived that there was still great sadness in him; yet it had a quality that led him from self absorption, which is what pain does, to a great deal of empathy and compassion for others. It felt like the whole book in the way it was written, was an act of fathering, or mothering, and when he talked, his gentleness and humility helped to convey that feeling deeply. In other words, he is a wounded healer.

What is this great sadness that I think affects more people than would be supposed? For years I was afraid to look below my inner rage, a primordial ball of energy that has been with me for as far back as I can remember. It is something that feels reptilian, cold, wanting to strike out at times for no reason, but just to express the inner feeling, of what? Well I think it comes from being placed somewhere when very young, that I did not want to be. So a two year old can only feel; but not be able to work things out with the mind as a mediator. So it is still with me, prodding me on to seek healing and answers. So yes for the major part of my life, I guess you can say I feared that below the rage, was well, even more rage. My experience of the effects of my far past is so common that it is actually boring I am sure, for we each have something to carry. Yet I would have it no other way, for this inner conflict, conversation, or if you wish debate; has led me where I am today. A gourd, that kept me on the path, pushing me and at the same time calling me to go ever deeper and to not be afraid, or if that, to face it. This process has ever so slowly, led me to an ever deepening trust in God's love and presence in my life. For no matter how dark it got, in the end the healing touch of grace was felt. Often so gentle that it is heartbreaking to even think about it.

I had some sessions with EMDR, whose main function is to take the person back to a time when they got stuck. Where the mind got caught in a loop and could not find any resolution to a problem. For me it would be the rage. One of the things I discovered is that below the rage is not more of the same, not a cauldron of seething lava wanting to be expelled, but something else. I found out that the rage was in fact something that sought to protect me until I was ready to face what was in fact always there, waiting for me to discover it. I am not sure I have not faced it completely, for part of me is still afraid of drowning, so I still skirt around it, yet I at least know it is there. What seems to be there, when I have put my foot in the cool dark water is, an underground, seemingly bottomless ocean of sadness that is just as primordial as the rage and a fear of being annihilated if felt fully, it is as if I am afraid of my heart exploding.

I think one of the reasons that I love music; is at certain times it allows the door to safely open so that I can feel, for the song ends, and then the door closes again. The experience can be very powerful and leads me to identify with all of my brothers and sister, not only in my immediate family, but for everyone. Movies can do it, as well as literature; for they all catch me unawares, for the door that opens is often the back one. I think I am still hyper vigilant, a habit acquired way back, that is so much a part of me that it most likely will never go away. Yet for a short time when the vigilantes is breached, it is seems to me a foretaste of heaven. The good side is that it has in fact expanded my heart to become more compassionate and empathetic. Perhaps what I have to deal with, and perhaps what most of us have to deal with, is in the end a gift. Not a pleasant one to be sure, but perhaps it is the chisel that God uses to make us all into works of art. For I truly believe that we are all truly wonderfully made in God's image and likeness. In the book, God the Father is also seen to bear the wounds of Christ. A powerful picture of the central message of my faith, which is, God with us, for God is love. Love means relationship between one Thou with another. The deeper the love, the closer the union, so the God as revealed through Christ Jesus is no stranger to our sufferings, for God who again is love, bears all things. The closest human experience to this, is the sufferings that parents go through for their children. I guess that is why when Jesus tried to express the inexpressible, he used human analogy, what better than the most loving of fathers.

So Wm. Paul Young's deep inner sadness has led him to become a healer, a tool used by God to reach many of his children. The mercy we receive is the same mercy given to others. Our sufferings can bring us to a deep compassionate union with others. Empathy leads us to a place were instead of looking down on our brothers and sisters, we can see them as fellow travelers, and with whom we are united with, not only in helping, but also in prayer. To love others as ourselves, indeed to learn to love ourselves (perhaps the most difficult thing of all), to learn to reach out to the marginalized, to embrace and accept, it seems is a lesson very few can learn without suffering. I really wish this was not so, but God did not confer with me when the whole long process of creation started. Probably a good thing, no a very good thing indeed, at least in my opinion, for if I had a hand in it, I don't think we would be here. I would want a world were freedom was limited, no suffering, just a placid existence like cows in a field…….not human is it?

No I am thankful for my existence as well as for those of all of mankind in spite of our failures, ignorance and propensity towards the self destructive. For that is not the only picture. There is a lot of good, kindness and love out there as well. No, I think the yeast of God's kingdom is still in its beginning stages. I don't follow those who want Jesus to come so that this suffering world will end, no I don't want that at all.

In spite of this, the reality of pain, the suffering of the innocent still tears at my heart, yet it is just another gourd to spur me onwards, as it is I guess for most. I am a normal, average human being, and for that I am thankful, just trying to make sense of a troubling world. Yet what my faith points me to, is the realization that all of it is loved and moving towards a point when the full glory of Christ will be revealed. Though I have a suspicion that we are still in the early Church, for I fear that we just don't get it yet; well I don't that is for sure. For me, one step forward, two steps back, fits me to a tee. I am not sure I would have it any other way. Perhaps the backward steps are just as important as the ones forward.

Mark Dohle Comments (15)

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