Mark Dohle

The underneath

June 27, 2010 |  9 comments
Image Credit: sxc.hu It was one of those nights. I woke up very early, about 10 PM and was not able to go back to sleep. At times, this waking up corresponds to an inner state that is much like the darkness that surrounds me in my room. Suddenly waking up, all there is in ones inner awareness. The different mask or personas that are worn during the day are no longer there, only me, with me, is present. It is a type of inner nakedness that I am sure many experience at certain times in their lives, that make our facile personas seem like some kind of vaporous mist with no actual reality. There are times when I think I am nothing but falseness, hypocrisy, an inner nothingness, with no true sense of who I am, as seen from the underneath. By that I mean what lives and thrives under rocks, where the sun is not allowed to shine, or if the rock is removed, then the critters scattered seeking again the darkness, a hiding place. However if all is darkness, then that is the time when what is often hidden can come out to play, since there is no light to frightened them into hiding.

There are aspects of me that are un-loving, vengeful and even sociopathic, which at times scares me no end. I wake up and there they are, lined up like the Rockettes on stage doing their dance, mocking me seeking to drag me under the rock and become what they are saying I really am. Yes at times the inner voices can be strong. I am kind of used to it of course, yet it is still unpleasant and at times fearful. So I rolled over on my back and just place myself before God’s presence and let him into my heart to see the circus that was going on. Some of these voices remind me of a Stephen King novel called “it”. A dark thing that lives in my inner cave or unconscious and at times demands my attention. And no it is not demonic. To say such a thing is a copout, it is just part of what for me, it means to be human. “Jaws” and the movie “Alien” also remind me of these inner parts of myself, living, powerful, yet they need not as in the movies win by destroying their victims or host. In the end they are all whinny children, filled with primordial emotions that cannot be subdued by rational thought or even by therapy, they just are. A lot of energy would be needed to totally repress these inner voices, yet I am not sure the effort is worth it, for they will be heard sooner or later. I think it is better to have an ongoing relationship with them, and from time to time have my nightly visitations.

Inner darkness can lead to an ever deepening source of prayer and trust in God’s grace and love. For it is when this happens that the saying of Christ; “To love our neighbor as ourselves” shows it true richness and its ability to bring healing for oneself and the fruit of that, healing for others as well. Compassion is the fruit of prayer, since it is an opening of the heart and mind to God. Words are not necessary, for what is there to say? Just being with the darkness in prayer is probably the only thing that can be done. Thoughts lead to self judgment, which is not needed in this circumstance, since the revelation of this inner realm is a great gift that is presented so that we can grow in the truth, which will really set one free…..humility allows deep roots take hold that will allow the ability to weather any inner storm. The only failure is not to keep trying no matter what is shown. Or allowing the set backs one thinks they are going through to have the last word. The seed grows on its own, our growth continues, how, well that is what grace is all about. It is like the rain that falls on the thankful and well as those who never give thanks. It just is, freely given, and the more one knows the need, the deeper the drenching.

Fear is useless, what is needed is trust.[!gad]It was one of those nights. I woke up very early, about 10 PM and was not able to go back to sleep. At times, this waking up corresponds to an inner state that is much like the darkness that surrounds me in my room. Suddenly waking up, all there is in ones inner awareness. The different mask or personas that are worn during the day are no longer there, only me, with me, is present. It is a type of inner nakedness that I am sure many experience at certain times in their lives, that make our facile personas seem like some kind of vaporous mist with no actual reality. There are times when I think I am nothing but falseness, hypocrisy, an inner nothingness, with no true sense of who I am, as seen from the underneath. By that I mean what lives and thrives under rocks, where the sun is not allowed to shine, or if the rock is removed, then the critters scattered seeking again the darkness, a hiding place. However if all is darkness, then that is the time when what is often hidden can come out to play, since there is no light to frightened them into hiding.

There are aspects of me that are un-loving, vengeful and even sociopathic, which at times scares me no end. I wake up and there they are, lined up like the Rockettes on stage doing their dance, mocking me seeking to drag me under the rock and become what they are saying I really am. Yes at times the inner voices can be strong. I am kind of used to it of course, yet it is still unpleasant and at times fearful. So I rolled over on my back and just place myself before God’s presence and let him into my heart to see the circus that was going on. Some of these voices remind me of a Stephen King novel called “it”. A dark thing that lives in my inner cave or unconscious and at times demands my attention. And no it is not demonic. To say such a thing is a copout, it is just part of what for me, it means to be human. “Jaws” and the movie “Alien” also remind me of these inner parts of myself, living, powerful, yet they need not as in the movies win by destroying their victims or host. In the end they are all whinny children, filled with primordial emotions that cannot be subdued by rational thought or even by therapy, they just are. A lot of energy would be needed to totally repress these inner voices, yet I am not sure the effort is worth it, for they will be heard sooner or later. I think it is better to have an ongoing relationship with them, and from time to time have my nightly visitations.

Inner darkness can lead to an ever deepening source of prayer and trust in God’s grace and love. For it is when this happens that the saying of Christ; “To love our neighbor as ourselves” shows it true richness and its ability to bring healing for oneself and the fruit of that, healing for others as well. Compassion is the fruit of prayer, since it is an opening of the heart and mind to God. Words are not necessary, for what is there to say? Just being with the darkness in prayer is probably the only thing that can be done. Thoughts lead to self judgment, which is not needed in this circumstance, since the revelation of this inner realm is a great gift that is presented so that we can grow in the truth, which will really set one free…..humility allows deep roots take hold that will allow the ability to weather any inner storm. The only failure is not to keep trying no matter what is shown. Or allowing the set backs one thinks they are going through to have the last word. The seed grows on its own, our growth continues, how, well that is what grace is all about. It is like the rain that falls on the thankful and well as those who never give thanks. It just is, freely given, and the more one knows the need, the deeper the drenching.

Fear is useless, what is needed is trust. Comments (9)

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