Mark Dohle

Allowing

January 28, 2010 |  6 comments
Image Credit: sxc.hu One of the biggest ‘why’s’ about life is the one on suffering, not only in our human world, but also in the world in general where all living things seem to suffer and die, often as food, just part of the food chain. Also as human beings, being the inward creatures that we are, there is also a host of psychological and emotional problems that often besets most of us during our lives. Then there is loneliness that can strike at anytime, a feeling of being outside looking in with no connection with anyone. For some, sad to say this is a permanent state, for others it just strikes, even in the midst of family and friends. There is also sadness, loss, mourning, and along with that there can be anger and rage…. that much of the time has no real target which it can be directed towards; well unless we find others to scape-goat, but that seldom helps. In fact it will for the most part only increase suffering for all involved. The biggest ‘why’s’ are the ones that really don’t have an answer that can really satisfy, at least not while it is being lived through.

On an emotional level, I have never been that good at handling things. Especially anxiety, it makes me feel like a caged beast waiting for something horrible to happen, something that I cannot name or even anticipate, it is just something approaching towards me from a dark, mist filled landscape. Sort of like the dreams that I had the first ten years of my life. I get restless, afraid to sit, can’t read, or pray, at least in calm and collected manner. Perhaps it is an inner scream heard by no one, not even me….feeding the anxiety. I can’t grab at it, fight it, it can only be endured until it passes. Fear and anger are different; they can be directed and hopefully controlled, or at least directed in ways that are not destructive. Can’t do that with anxiety; it is like being nailed to the wall by implements that can’t be seen or really felt, yet there none the less do their work. The feelings of suffocation being hidden from view by those around me. Being thrown back upon myself; well it seems that way. Insight can help in the living through it, but it does not alleviate the experience, it just has to be lived through.

Yet it passes, like every other inward state that I experience, both the pleasant and the unpleasant, to the downright hellish and also the transcendent. I suppose this understanding that all of my inward states are temporary is the one thing that does keep some semblance of balance in my life. Just wait, be patient and something else will come along and replace it. Like the song by Led Zeppelin stated: “good days, bad day, you know I have had my share”, is a universal experience, well it is as far as I can see. Also I have had my share of good days, really happy ones as well. Seesawing, back and forth, yet knowing this helps me to keep some perspective on the whole process.

I belong to a large family, ten living siblings, so there is that also. One of us, among that number will have to endure the death of the other nine, the rest will have to go through it in varying degrees, it depends on when they are called to enter that dark door leading into the greatest mystery of all…. death. I think that is something that is hidden away in a trunk deeply buried in a back room, locked down, in my unconscious. I can think about it, but the experience, well that is something that will simply appear as if all the safe guards are not there, only naked sorrow and mourning will be felt. Yet that is also a part of life, perhaps which is what keeps us human, allowing us to feel compassion for others who have to go through it sooner or later. Very few are spared that experience, perhaps for a reason.

Perhaps the trick is to allow this whole process to simply happen. The messiness, the chaos, the feeling of being in a dream, when in fact it is a wake up call to reality as it really is; enlightenment without the sugar coating often given it, no just a disorientating kick in the ass that for a time makes a shambles of our shallow structures that we build to get us through the day. Though they certainly have their place, for denial is also important, it just needs to be shaken up once in awhile, or so it seems. It all becomes so personal when we become a statistic for others.

Life can’t be escaped, no matter what we do. There are pathologies that perhaps most people have to soften the blows that have happened in the past; however they don’t do much to prepare us for what will happen today, or tomorrow, or next year. Just getting through the day can be helpful at times, but in end they must all be put away. We either do it freely, or with time they will be taken from us. I guess in death, everything is taken and we are left totally naked and vulnerable before the greatest mystery of all, which if truth be told gets more opaque as I get older. Yet my roots seem deeper, so again perhaps grace works in ways that me in my pious shallow ‘thinking’s’ can’t even being to understand or comprehend what it is all about.

We each have a system wherein we try to make some sense of this slow stripping that we call life. One by one our things are taken from us. Our youth, our parents, our strength, our brothers and sisters and friends, our independence and then our life, we die a thousand deaths before the big one. Yes most of us are slowly backed into a corner, until perhaps we have no choice but to surrender. Maybe the small deaths are just rehearsals leading up to the big one, helping us to either accept our passing or not. Of all the things almost impossible to conceive is our own death and passing, to simply become a part of history, and to one day to be totally forgotten. Just an old grave marker in an old unkempt cemetery, all that is left if anyone wants or cares to see.

My faith gives me some ways to handle this and I guess we each have our own beliefs to help us cope. However no matter what we believe, we have a choice to fight this whole process and become bitter and hard, or allow it to form us, making us soft, loving and compassionate. Life works on us, forms us, not taking into account our wishes or desires; no it is like a train out of control, or so it seems, making a shamble out of our lives and at the most unexpected moments. Yes denial is good at times, but then there is the wake up call, painful true, horribly so, yet perhaps life is not supposed to be easy, though we would wish it otherwise.

Trust the process. [!gad]One of the biggest ‘why’s’ about life is the one on suffering, not only in our human world, but also in the world in general where all living things seem to suffer and die, often as food, just part of the food chain. Also as human beings, being the inward creatures that we are, there is also a host of psychological and emotional problems that often besets most of us during our lives. Then there is loneliness that can strike at anytime, a feeling of being outside looking in with no connection with anyone. For some, sad to say this is a permanent state, for others it just strikes, even in the midst of family and friends. There is also sadness, loss, mourning, and along with that there can be anger and rage…. that much of the time has no real target which it can be directed towards; well unless we find others to scape-goat, but that seldom helps. In fact it will for the most part only increase suffering for all involved. The biggest ‘why’s’ are the ones that really don’t have an answer that can really satisfy, at least not while it is being lived through.

On an emotional level, I have never been that good at handling things. Especially anxiety, it makes me feel like a caged beast waiting for something horrible to happen, something that I cannot name or even anticipate, it is just something approaching towards me from a dark, mist filled landscape. Sort of like the dreams that I had the first ten years of my life. I get restless, afraid to sit, can’t read, or pray, at least in calm and collected manner. Perhaps it is an inner scream heard by no one, not even me….feeding the anxiety. I can’t grab at it, fight it, it can only be endured until it passes. Fear and anger are different; they can be directed and hopefully controlled, or at least directed in ways that are not destructive. Can’t do that with anxiety; it is like being nailed to the wall by implements that can’t be seen or really felt, yet there none the less do their work. The feelings of suffocation being hidden from view by those around me. Being thrown back upon myself; well it seems that way. Insight can help in the living through it, but it does not alleviate the experience, it just has to be lived through.

Yet it passes, like every other inward state that I experience, both the pleasant and the unpleasant, to the downright hellish and also the transcendent. I suppose this understanding that all of my inward states are temporary is the one thing that does keep some semblance of balance in my life. Just wait, be patient and something else will come along and replace it. Like the song by Led Zeppelin stated: “good days, bad day, you know I have had my share”, is a universal experience, well it is as far as I can see. Also I have had my share of good days, really happy ones as well. Seesawing, back and forth, yet knowing this helps me to keep some perspective on the whole process.

I belong to a large family, ten living siblings, so there is that also. One of us, among that number will have to endure the death of the other nine, the rest will have to go through it in varying degrees, it depends on when they are called to enter that dark door leading into the greatest mystery of all…. death. I think that is something that is hidden away in a trunk deeply buried in a back room, locked down, in my unconscious. I can think about it, but the experience, well that is something that will simply appear as if all the safe guards are not there, only naked sorrow and mourning will be felt. Yet that is also a part of life, perhaps which is what keeps us human, allowing us to feel compassion for others who have to go through it sooner or later. Very few are spared that experience, perhaps for a reason.

Perhaps the trick is to allow this whole process to simply happen. The messiness, the chaos, the feeling of being in a dream, when in fact it is a wake up call to reality as it really is; enlightenment without the sugar coating often given it, no just a disorientating kick in the ass that for a time makes a shambles of our shallow structures that we build to get us through the day. Though they certainly have their place, for denial is also important, it just needs to be shaken up once in awhile, or so it seems. It all becomes so personal when we become a statistic for others.

Life can’t be escaped, no matter what we do. There are pathologies that perhaps most people have to soften the blows that have happened in the past; however they don’t do much to prepare us for what will happen today, or tomorrow, or next year. Just getting through the day can be helpful at times, but in end they must all be put away. We either do it freely, or with time they will be taken from us. I guess in death, everything is taken and we are left totally naked and vulnerable before the greatest mystery of all, which if truth be told gets more opaque as I get older. Yet my roots seem deeper, so again perhaps grace works in ways that me in my pious shallow ‘thinking’s’ can’t even being to understand or comprehend what it is all about.

We each have a system wherein we try to make some sense of this slow stripping that we call life. One by one our things are taken from us. Our youth, our parents, our strength, our brothers and sisters and friends, our independence and then our life, we die a thousand deaths before the big one. Yes most of us are slowly backed into a corner, until perhaps we have no choice but to surrender. Maybe the small deaths are just rehearsals leading up to the big one, helping us to either accept our passing or not. Of all the things almost impossible to conceive is our own death and passing, to simply become a part of history, and to one day to be totally forgotten. Just an old grave marker in an old unkempt cemetery, all that is left if anyone wants or cares to see.

My faith gives me some ways to handle this and I guess we each have our own beliefs to help us cope. However no matter what we believe, we have a choice to fight this whole process and become bitter and hard, or allow it to form us, making us soft, loving and compassionate. Life works on us, forms us, not taking into account our wishes or desires; no it is like a train out of control, or so it seems, making a shamble out of our lives and at the most unexpected moments. Yes denial is good at times, but then there is the wake up call, painful true, horribly so, yet perhaps life is not supposed to be easy, though we would wish it otherwise.

Trust the process. Comments (6)

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