Mark Dohle

Community ( it is all about the fight )

May 13, 2010 |  3 comments
Image Credit: sxc.hu I remember the moment opened up Scott Peck's book "The road less travelled" and read the beginning. It said "Life is difficult", or something to that effect. I found that phrase strangely comforting. It made me feel normal, whatever that means. Further along he made another point which has also stayed with me for the past two decades going on three and I guess it stuck because it was another obvious statement, something we all know, though perhaps wished it were otherwise. The other point more or less is this: we join up with others (in community) in order to fight". Of course this is my take on the statement.

‘To fight', well that is not very consoling. There seems to be enough fighting in the world, why in the world would yet more struggle be needed when we join with others; whether in marriage, or community, or yes in our work places.... anywhere actually were we are interacting with others on a regular basis. Of course the statement is true, for if struggle is not present in a relationship then something is wrong. A group of people live or work together, of different ages and backgrounds and belief systems; in some communities, the thought of being thrown together would be a better word. Even if they belong to the same ‘faith' or follow the same ‘ideology', there will always be a left, center and right wing to the group. So some kind of struggle will be inevitable in order for communication to take place. Without some form of give and take then it will fall apart and the community or relationship will end. Some people can't give at all and in end they become isolated and alone, even within a vibrant establishment, for they simply can't live with anyone else or learn from them. So perhaps they simply exist, at war with just about everyone and often left alone in their isolation. Some doors can't be opened; it is part of the human condition. Communities of whatever size; be it religious or secular, or marriage, are all in the end just a microcosm of the overall human plight, which can often be chaotic and unpleasant.

Two people sit down to talk. One is 60 the other 40. Two different generations meeting, between them 100 years of experience.....each in more ways than consciously adverted to, being controlled by unconscious experiences from the past. So actual communication takes a lot of effort once the surface superficial ‘stuff' is done away with. The more one is aware of the ‘unconscious stuff' the less likely they are of being controlled by it and the easier to gage their inner emotional reactions if they do come up. It is easier to build walls than to tear them down; or even more difficult yet to not even allow the building of these fortifications to begin. This takes at times a great deal of effort and humility, since self knowledge is based on being able to learn from the reactions that others have with us. This can be a painful and anxiety filled process, often masked by defensiveness fueled by anger. Well at least from my own experience.

It would seem that we are either made or broken by our relationships. In fact some people are destroyed by them, at least until some way can be found to break away from the prison that their past relationships have forged for them. Parents have almost god like powers over their children, and sad to say a great deal of pain and suffering is passed on from one generation to another, until someone is able to break the cycle and become free. If not then they are continued not only in their married lives, but also in the work place and in other communities that they may find themselves a part of. It can only be stopped when the cycle is identified and disempowered.

It is easy to make others into ‘its', ‘things', chess pieces that need to be moved around so that some kind of personal comfort can be reached. This is of course impossible, since not being an ‘it', or a ‘thing', people tend to for the most part to fight being used and abused. The illusion of being the center of the universe is normal, it is when it is believed and others are reduced to mere objects that the real problems start. I suppose if some reflection on how actually one wants to be treated were undertaken and insight developed, I feel it would help in lessening this tendency to objectify others a bit.

However, from my own experience it is a life long process, though one well worth taking, even if progression is slow, arduous and often thankless. The golden rule is easy to quote, but to live it out takes a lot of reflection on how one wants to be treated. I find it amazing how I can treat those around me in ways that would infuriate me if the tables were turned. Yes I can often be very insensitive towards others, until the tables are turned and I can actually learn from it. If not, well another round will be needed until the message sinks in. Those who cannot learn, for indeed some are incapable of it, often through no fault of their own, have very difficult lives. Though they can be the best teachers for those who live with them in community, marriage, or in the work place....for our spontaneous reactions, if taken responsibility for, can lead to deep reflection and healing. Humility allows the luxury of becoming a victim highly unlikely.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, I don't like what I see at all. Life in community, no matter how large or small, draws out our inner reflection. Other members are the shinning, often unpleasant images, which are perceived. We either learn, or discriminate against those who carry for us, what in the end other members of the community already see. It can be quite a dance, a waltz or a chaotic polka; it depends on perception and the ability to grow in the often misunderstood virtue of humility.

Many years ago a good friend of mine (a priest), who passed in 07 came to me and asked me to list his faults. I told him to read his homilies and he would find out all that he needed to know. For just like him, I often write about my own struggles, not those of others, it can't be helped. For our greatest teacher is not only those who touch us the deepest for good or ill, but in the end, it is our reactions that can give us pause to think and ponder the simple ‘why', and how to free ourselves of its domination.

In the end it is all about love. For even in the most dysfunctional of communities, there is still love, compassion and empathy that are always present and growing, as the members themselves mature in insight and self love. That perhaps being the most difficult; self love. Narcissism is not love of self, but a protection from pain that others can cause, but it is often the pain, anger, rage and heartbreak that open up the gates so that love can grow. Suffering is calling us forward, it throws us back on ourselves and will not let go of its grip until we learn. In the end, we are made for love and mercy and to also bestow it on one another. To arrive at that point could take a lifetime......

In the end, as the saying goes.....'It is all grace'. [!gad]I remember the moment opened up Scott Peck's book "The road less travelled" and read the beginning. It said "Life is difficult", or something to that effect. I found that phrase strangely comforting. It made me feel normal, whatever that means. Further along he made another point which has also stayed with me for the past two decades going on three and I guess it stuck because it was another obvious statement, something we all know, though perhaps wished it were otherwise. The other point more or less is this: we join up with others (in community) in order to fight". Of course this is my take on the statement.

‘To fight', well that is not very consoling. There seems to be enough fighting in the world, why in the world would yet more struggle be needed when we join with others; whether in marriage, or community, or yes in our work places.... anywhere actually were we are interacting with others on a regular basis. Of course the statement is true, for if struggle is not present in a relationship then something is wrong. A group of people live or work together, of different ages and backgrounds and belief systems; in some communities, the thought of being thrown together would be a better word. Even if they belong to the same ‘faith' or follow the same ‘ideology', there will always be a left, center and right wing to the group. So some kind of struggle will be inevitable in order for communication to take place. Without some form of give and take then it will fall apart and the community or relationship will end. Some people can't give at all and in end they become isolated and alone, even within a vibrant establishment, for they simply can't live with anyone else or learn from them. So perhaps they simply exist, at war with just about everyone and often left alone in their isolation. Some doors can't be opened; it is part of the human condition. Communities of whatever size; be it religious or secular, or marriage, are all in the end just a microcosm of the overall human plight, which can often be chaotic and unpleasant.

Two people sit down to talk. One is 60 the other 40. Two different generations meeting, between them 100 years of experience.....each in more ways than consciously adverted to, being controlled by unconscious experiences from the past. So actual communication takes a lot of effort once the surface superficial ‘stuff' is done away with. The more one is aware of the ‘unconscious stuff' the less likely they are of being controlled by it and the easier to gage their inner emotional reactions if they do come up. It is easier to build walls than to tear them down; or even more difficult yet to not even allow the building of these fortifications to begin. This takes at times a great deal of effort and humility, since self knowledge is based on being able to learn from the reactions that others have with us. This can be a painful and anxiety filled process, often masked by defensiveness fueled by anger. Well at least from my own experience.

It would seem that we are either made or broken by our relationships. In fact some people are destroyed by them, at least until some way can be found to break away from the prison that their past relationships have forged for them. Parents have almost god like powers over their children, and sad to say a great deal of pain and suffering is passed on from one generation to another, until someone is able to break the cycle and become free. If not then they are continued not only in their married lives, but also in the work place and in other communities that they may find themselves a part of. It can only be stopped when the cycle is identified and disempowered.

It is easy to make others into ‘its', ‘things', chess pieces that need to be moved around so that some kind of personal comfort can be reached. This is of course impossible, since not being an ‘it', or a ‘thing', people tend to for the most part to fight being used and abused. The illusion of being the center of the universe is normal, it is when it is believed and others are reduced to mere objects that the real problems start. I suppose if some reflection on how actually one wants to be treated were undertaken and insight developed, I feel it would help in lessening this tendency to objectify others a bit.

However, from my own experience it is a life long process, though one well worth taking, even if progression is slow, arduous and often thankless. The golden rule is easy to quote, but to live it out takes a lot of reflection on how one wants to be treated. I find it amazing how I can treat those around me in ways that would infuriate me if the tables were turned. Yes I can often be very insensitive towards others, until the tables are turned and I can actually learn from it. If not, well another round will be needed until the message sinks in. Those who cannot learn, for indeed some are incapable of it, often through no fault of their own, have very difficult lives. Though they can be the best teachers for those who live with them in community, marriage, or in the work place....for our spontaneous reactions, if taken responsibility for, can lead to deep reflection and healing. Humility allows the luxury of becoming a victim highly unlikely.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, I don't like what I see at all. Life in community, no matter how large or small, draws out our inner reflection. Other members are the shinning, often unpleasant images, which are perceived. We either learn, or discriminate against those who carry for us, what in the end other members of the community already see. It can be quite a dance, a waltz or a chaotic polka; it depends on perception and the ability to grow in the often misunderstood virtue of humility.

Many years ago a good friend of mine (a priest), who passed in 07 came to me and asked me to list his faults. I told him to read his homilies and he would find out all that he needed to know. For just like him, I often write about my own struggles, not those of others, it can't be helped. For our greatest teacher is not only those who touch us the deepest for good or ill, but in the end, it is our reactions that can give us pause to think and ponder the simple ‘why', and how to free ourselves of its domination.

In the end it is all about love. For even in the most dysfunctional of communities, there is still love, compassion and empathy that are always present and growing, as the members themselves mature in insight and self love. That perhaps being the most difficult; self love. Narcissism is not love of self, but a protection from pain that others can cause, but it is often the pain, anger, rage and heartbreak that open up the gates so that love can grow. Suffering is calling us forward, it throws us back on ourselves and will not let go of its grip until we learn. In the end, we are made for love and mercy and to also bestow it on one another. To arrive at that point could take a lifetime......

In the end, as the saying goes.....'It is all grace'. Comments (3)

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