By: KmT29 | Location: England
Image Credit: sxc.hu
Hi guys... I'm kinda new to this website so please bare with me... I needed to put this out there, for my own sanity if nothing else. I think this is an appropriate place - because it's to do with my best friend who died last Summer.
A bit of back story.
My best friend of 15 years, Matthew, he died really suddenly and quite violently. He had suffered from mental health issues for quite some time, but ironically it wasn't that what killed him. A freak accident caused him to fall from his flat window and he suffered pretty severe head trauma. His parents decided to turn his life support off a day later as he would never recover, and that was the end of it.
It's taken me a long time to come to terms with it all, because I was the last person he spoke to.
Growing up we always said whichever one of us died first, we would come back and haunt the other. And at first I was angry with him, because I just didn't 'feel' him around, it was like he was just gone, like he never existed. And I've always been one to believe that when you die, you go 'somewhere', a person like him just couldn't disappear into nothing, you know?
So I guess you could say in some ways I've been looking for it, or reading into things,because I desperately miss him. However recently I read up about something called "Automatic writing", which is basically calling out to whomever be there, explaining your intentions, that you want to try to talk through pen and paper, closing your eyes, holding the pen, maybe try to meditate whilst thinking of that person, and seeing what happens.
Today I finally plucked up the courage to try, I played some of his favorite music, sat on my bed and told him my intentions. I immediately went absolutely freezing cold, and in my mind I could see him, smiling, brushing my hair behind my ear. I could feel his fingers, and his breath. I began to cry, because I wished it was real. After what felt like hours but in reality was only 5 minutes, I opened my eyes and found that I had written something on my notepad "through" him. Or him through me?
Once I can figure out how to upload photos I will post it, but it looks to me like he wrote 'Love', or 'Leave' ?
I know how crazy this sounds.... I feel bonkers just writing it down. But it felt so real. Was it really him or just grief? Can anybody relate?